Saturday, January 07, 2012

Vogue: Crack Smoker Edition

dearest crack smokers,

i am aware that you are generally more focused on your crack smoking than you are on your fashion choices. however, you must at times exercise a bit of discretion when choosing your outfit for the day. for example, let us consider this jacket:

this jacket lays out, in friendly pictorial form, how to make your beloved crack. as such, it has probably made its way onto the fashion plates at all of the local crack houses. you probably either have one already, or envy some fellow crack smoker who has this hot, new winter style. it is a lot of fun to wear when you are smoking crack in the privacy of your own home, or possibly even the privacy of your friend's crack den, depending on how much you actually trust them.

however, when you have been haled into court for drug trafficking, we may suggest a slightly more conservative fashion choice. a suit is best, although if you do not own a suit, try wearing to court any kind of clothing that does not reference crack. keep in mind that even though you are guaranteed a jury of your peers, the law defines "peers" as a group with slightly broader scope than "fellow crack smokers". there is a high chance that most (if not all) members of a jury will frown upon a jacket that demonstrates how to cook crack, especially because your fellow crack smokers are likely to be too busy smoking crack to show up for jury duty.

for this fashion faux pas, our as-yet-anonymous drug trafficking defendant must join the roster of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. please, dear readers, if you must ever go to court, please put your crackpipe down long enough to choose an outfit that does not immediately single you out as a crack aficionado. this will increase your chances of going home afterwards to smoke your crack in peace.

the persecuted crack smoker