Thursday, March 31, 2011

bring me...a shrubbery!

if News Crack Smokers Can Use has a mantra, it's this: Hide Your Crack! if you keep your crack in a place where other people can easily find it, someone is going to find it. and, when someone finds it, at least one of two things will happen: they will steal it, or they will trace it to you and have you busted for being a crack smoker. therefore, it is key that you keep your crack in a place where you -- and only you -- have access to it.

secondly, if you are a crack smoker, it is a bad idea to also be a crack dealer. first of all, both selling and smoking crack would make it far too tempting to break Biggie's infinitely wise Fourth Crack Commandment: never get high on your own supply. furthermore, running a successful business is difficult, and doubly so if you not only have to worry about the difficulties of the market, but also about continuously staying one step ahead of Officer Friendly.

what is the moral of this story? basically, it's a terrible idea to stash tens of thousands of dollars worth of crack and cash in the communal shrubbery at your flat.

although, this may explain why The Knights Who Say Ni are so insistent that people bring them shrubberies.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

lamentations on the lack of women in information technology

whenever a ticket comes into our support queue in the middle of the night, and the sender's name is a female name that i don't recognize as belonging to a customer who often sends tickets at such an hour, i always end up muttering to myself, "ugh, this is probably another spam email in our queue."

and, every single time, i'm right.

i don't know which of these two things is worse.

Friday, March 25, 2011

"crack prosecutor" doesn't mean what you think it means.

here at News Crack Smokers Can Use, we've suggested several times that it might not be a good idea for lawyers to smoke crack. competent legal work requires critical thinking, a sharp intellect, and an ability to put your job first in your life. all of these are capacities that crack smoking tends to hinder. if you enjoy law-talking, awesome. if you enjoy crack smoking, awesome. but, your life will be far less complicated if you choose at most one of those two pursuits.

imagine you're a prosecutor. if you aren't a crack smoker, you'd probably notice a pattern in the cases you've worked on, and the evidence you've used. you'd have picked up by now that the local departments of law and order are quite enamoured with finding and prosecuting local crackheads. when someone is identified as a crack dealer, the police like to keep tabs on them in the future, because it can not only lead them to further evidence against the dealer, but also in the general direction of crack smokers they can arrest.

what i'm trying to say is...if you prosecute high-profile drug cases, you should really know better than to smoke crack. and, even if you insist on smoking a little crack once in a while, it may be a good idea not to take your crack dealer for a ride in your Beemer.

otherwise, you may become the laughingstock of crack smokers and prosecutors alike. and, that's never a good thing.

Friday, March 18, 2011

say no to crack

dear crack smokers,

i love you, and am trying to be patient and cordial with you, but sometimes continuously providing the same common-sense piece of advice and seeing it go unheeded gets a little frustrating. i've made this particular point several times in here already.

this is the last time i will say this, so please pay attention:

just because it's called your crack does not make it a good place to hide your crack.

it's not as sneaky as your crack-addled brain has convinced you that it is. if you give the nice person in blue permission to search your person, he's going to look. if Officer Friendly sees you walking a little funny because you're a little uncomfortable around the cheeks, he's going to look. if you get booked into jail, you're going to get strip-searched, and the corrections officers are going to look.

i know they call it "where the sun don't shine", and that it's not a particularly appealing place for anyone to search, but unfortunately so many of your fellow crack smokers have been caught with their goods in or around their butts that the cops will always look. seriously, crack smokers, it's cliche.

please, for the sake of your own happy crack-smoking future, stop hiding your crack in your butt crack. it's best not to take your crack out of your residence at all, but if you do, it would behoove you to find a more clever place to stash it.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

***

(hat tip to Rob T Firefly for the news article!)

Thursday, March 10, 2011

whose cuisine reigns supreme?

part of the reason that Iron Chef is such a fun show to watch is to see what kinds of interesting things the chefs do with the secret ingredients. sometimes the secret ingredient is something fairly common, such as egg, crab, cucumber, or curry powder. sometimes it's a little more esoteric: they've used things like oatmeal, coffee beans, eggnog, and ice sculptures. however, the there are two things that all Iron Chef secret ingredients have had in common: they're all edible, and they're all legal.

i'm sure you all know where this is going.

never has the secret ingredient in iron chef been cocaine powder, and never has an intrepid chef served the judging panel a steaming plate of crack rocks on national television.

some Cleveland-area entrepreneurs should have taken a hint from the show, and stuck to concocting creations based on a secret ingredient other than cocaine. seriously...if they're that gung-ho about cooking something and then selling their wares on the street, they could have devised some interesting food, set up a food truck business, and gotten into a whole lot less trouble than they did for their crack operation.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

SCOTUS gets it right, for once

i'm glad the Supreme Court ruled the way they did in the Westboro Baptist Church case.

there, i said it.

does that mean i approve of Westboro's message? no. i disagree entirely with their message of pure homophobia cloaked in religious garb.

does that mean i approve of Westboro's tactics? no. their tactics are obnoxious, and thoroughly inconsiderate to the decedents, and all of their families and friends who have come to mourn their deaths and celebrate their lives.

but, i can't get behind the people that say that the Supreme Court should have ruled against Westboro because it's disgusting that they're waving their "thank God for dead soldiers" signs at military funeral. those are two completely different issues.

am i saying that there shouldn't be any limits whatsoever to freedom of speech? no. there are fringe cases, like yelling "fire" in a crowded movie theatre, that are likely enough to lead directly to bodily harm that they shouldn't be constitutionally protected. but, i'm saying there really shouldn't be much more limit than that. as much as we don't like to face that fact, freedom of speech exists to protect our right to say things that people--even the vast majority of people--find incorrect, or even appalling.

this applies even more strongly when people are making commentary on issues of public concern. even though most of us think they are total wingnuts for celebrating the deaths of soldiers as a part of God's revenge for the country being too tolerant of homosexuality...the Supreme Court is right in assessing that this is a commentary on a matter of public concern. look at it this way...if it were anyone else talking about how tolerant or intolerant this country is of a particular group of its citizens is something that concerns the public. the fact that it's Westboro Baptist doesn't make them special: it neither gives them extra protection, nor gives them lowered protection to speak about issues of public concern.

the fact that they organize protests at funerals? that makes them asshats, to be sure. but, it doesn't make them immune from Constitutional protection for speaking their message in public. just as the Constitution protects you and the people you like, it also protects your worst enemy, and protects the people you can't stand.