Tuesday, December 14, 2010


dear mainstream media, FDA, law enforcement, and everyone else:

will you please shut up about four loko, already? i'm sick of hearing about it. railing against it is going to do absolutely nothing. banning it is going to do absolutely nothing. and, the fact that the FDA is just now trying to declare caffeine in alcoholic beverages an "unsafe food additive" is laughable.

four loko is nothing new. there have been plenty of caffeinated malt beverages over the years: Sparks, Joose, Tilt, Natty Up...there have been a handful over the years. four loko has just been the most popular, for some reason. i've never had it, so i don't know if it tastes any better than its foul-tasting caffeinated alcopop predecessors...but it's the same thing.

and, even more popular (and more delicious) than purchasing caffeinated booze? rolling your own. think about it: jager and red bull. rum and coke. irish coffee. there are a million different caffeinated alcoholic beverages that people have been mixing themselves for years, and there's nothing that the FDA can say or do to make us stop making them. what are they going to do: stop selling liquor and/or caffeinated beverages for fear that we're going to mix the two? get real.

in other words, focus your energy on something that actually matters.

no love,

P.S.: criminals, if you're reading this, don't blame your idiotic actions on four loko. the only reason it's even notable that you said this is because you blamed your actions on the scapegoat du jour. if you blamed the fact that you stole stuff on the fact that you had one too many vodka-and-red-bull drinks, people would have just laughed at you and continued the arrest. but, since you invoked the latest Big Moral Panic, stupid people are going to get even more up in arms about it. so, take it from me: i don't care if you drink four loko, beer, whiskey, or club soda -- just don't be a dumbass and rob people, okay? and, if you do rob people, don't blame it on what you're drinking.

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