Friday, October 15, 2010

nom nom nope.

dear crack smokers,

am i going to have to spell everything out for you? i realise that's a rhetorical question, since you are crack smokers, and therefore not very likely to retain your logical reasoning faculties to any discernible extent.

that said, i apologise for my frustration. i'm really just trying to help. i know i've told you a million times here already that eating your crack is a bad way to get rid of the evidence. it's probably just going to make you sick...but i know it seems like a good idea under pressure. finding some way to get it into your system is tempting, since you want that last hit of cracktastic goodness before you're thrown in the [ostensibly crack-free] pokey for a while. i understand your thought process here.

however, i never dreamed in a million years that i would have to make the following suggestion:

for the love of crack, do not eat your crackpipe!

crackpipes are not delicious. crackpipes are made of glass. they will shatter into a million pieces, and you'll be spending the rest of your life plucking the little bits of your crackpipe out of your tongue, gums, and cheeks. if you swallow it, you will either die or be sent to the hospital for them to try and get the shards of your favourite crackpipe out of your esophagus and your stomach. i can only imagine that the hospital bills alone will amount to enough money to pay for all the crack you could ever want for the rest of your life. there's no way you will be able to eat a crackpipe without Officer Friendly seeing what you did there.

this is not a worthwhile trade for what little crack residue may still be on your pipe. even a crack-addled brain should be able to understand this...and, for not quite getting it, our friend in Oklahoma has found a place in the list of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker.

in other words, don't be this guy. don't eat your crackpipe.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

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