Thursday, October 28, 2010

LJ Idol Week 0: The Introduction

LJ Idol Week 0: The Introduction

my name is nicolle. that's right, nicolle...with a lowercase n. i decided long ago that it made no sense to capitalise my name. that thing over there is a table, that other thing over there is a phone, and that thing right here is a nicolle. i capitalise other people's names out of respect for them, but as for mine, it's not quite right to me unless it's lowercase.

then again, in my own mind, i think of myself as adalia at least as often as i think of myself as nicolle. that name was taken from the song "adalia" by madina lake...a song about a girl who people find intriguing for some ridiculous reason, although she really wants them to just forget about her, and let her withdraw completely into her own head. i feel that way often, probably more than i should. i thought that feeling would possibly fade as i left my angsty teens, and then as i left my angsty early i'm kissing my mid-twenties goodbye in less than a month, and that feeling is still as strong as ever.

i've thought a lot about changing my name to adalia anderson ward. anderson is for Scott Anderson, the lead singer of Finger Eleven. ward is for Scooter Ward, the lead singer of Cold. they've been my two favourite bands for years now, and i could write a pretty good description of my life using quotes from just those two bands. i've never had the guts to actually go through with it. to this day, the only time i regularly go by the name adalia in public is when i sing karaoke.

it's a shame, really. one of the things i most resent about being "nicolle" (or even its derivative "nicky") to everyone is the fact that i didn't pick that moniker for myself. it's something that nags at me to look back toward a past that i spend every day of my life trying to get as far away from as i possibly can. i've been able to get away from some really big things in life that made it intolerable, like the suffocating town i grew up in as well as a horrifyingly bad career choice. however, i haven't been able to shed the name i was born with, and as much as i hate to admit it, the fact that i still have it is a mark of my inertia and cowardice.

No comments: