Saturday, September 18, 2010

News (Possible) Crack Smokers Can Use

this week in Metro Detroit, there has been the invasion of the stupid criminals.

Confidential to my friend in Ferndale: i get the allure of the party store1. really, i do. it's a magic emporium in which you can purchase all sorts of delicious beer, liquor, and related paraphernalia. however, in order to leave the party store with libations instead of another line on your rap sheet, it is generally recommended that you bring money to exchange for the goods. failing that, you are most likely to avoid that line on your rap sheet if you hide your identity before entering the store. yes...this means you should have put on that Darth Vader mask *before* walking into the store and having your moment under the lenses of the security camera. otherwise, you just make it far too easy for Officer Friendly to find you

Confidential to my friend in Royal Oak: we're all human beings here. when you've got to go, you've got to go. sometimes it's hard to hold it. and, if you're a guy, you have the advantage of being able to find a secluded corner, whip it out, and relieve yourself with a minimum of fuss. however, the key words there are "secluded corner." the side of the police station is not a secluded corner. and, even if you've gone that far, your next course of action after peeing on the side of the police station should be getting as far away from the police station as possible, as quickly as possible. it should not be wandering into the police station to report something.

i don't know if either of these guys were on crack, but i wouldn't be surprised if they were. if they weren't, though...they can consider themselves honourary crack smokers, for going above and beyond the call of duty for non-crack-addled stupid people.

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1 what i don't quite get, however, is why Michiganders uniformly call liquor stores "party stores".

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