Saturday, September 25, 2010

News Crack Smokers Can Use: September 25, 2010

if one phrase deserves to be crowned the refrain for this little corner of the internet, it's this one: hide your crack. crack is illegal, and the whole secret of happy crack smoking is not getting caught by the authorities, or by anyone who will turn you in to the authorities. however, there are good places to hide your crack, and bad places to hide your crack. Since this is News Crack Smokers Can Use and not Thickly Veiled Profiles Of Successful Crack Smokers Who Have Been Smoking Crack For Twenty Years But Never Arrested, however, we know what category all of these locations fall into. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this installment of News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • Kinder Eggs are awesome, or so i've heard. they're not legal here in these United States, because some silly federal law prohibits the introduction of "non-nutritive items" into dubiously nutritive candy. however, crack smoking is a global pastime, and after growing up finding toys hidden in your chocolate eggs in Merry Old England, it may make sense to you that stashing crack in the beloved yellow plastic shell from your Kinder Eggs might be a good idea. however, the constable and his trusty drug dog probably love Kinder Eggs as much as you do, and will find your hidden surprise.
  • contrary to what you may believe, placing crack rocks next to something legal does not qualify at all as hiding your crack. it will not fool people into thinking that the crack rocks are also legal, unless the people are too dumb or too inexperienced to know better. for example, it's probably not such a good idea to set your crack rocks on a plate next to your toddlers' snack food. your toddlers probably don't even know what crack is yet, and are still at an age of experimenting the bounds of what is food, and what is not. the police, however, are a few years older...and will probably not only slap you with crack charges, but also with child endangerment charges.
  • choosing a place to hide your crack requires a sophisticated balancing analysis. sure, you need to put it in a place where police are unlikely to find it, but that is not the only consideration. you also want to put it in a place where you can retrieve it later in prime smoking condition. otherwise, even though you had crack at one point, your attempts to hide it from the authorities have made it unfit to provide you with crack-smoking pleasure: and you'd be better off not having bought it in the first place. what does this mean? in short, you should probably refrain from hiding eleven pounds of crack in the gas tank of your automobile, and then actually trying to fill the tank. sure, Officer Friendly is probably not going to rifle through your gas tank, even for such a stupendous amount of crack. however...your crack might go boom. your car might go boom. you might go boom. congratulations, anonymous couple in Brazil: you have made it onto the roster of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at The Last Refuge of the Persecuted Crack Smoker. i hope you're happy.
that's it for this round of News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or post it on the big light-up sign outside of the United Center.

No comments: