Tuesday, June 29, 2010

my kingdom for...

the hell with a good night's sleep.

the hell with an okay night's sleep.

is it too much to ask to get a marginally decent night of sleep around here? apparently so, because i don't remember the last time i slept anything but poorly.

this is not helping.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


dear security guard,

i walked into the data centre this morning. of course, it's not the location i normally work in, so i had an authorization code instead of a badge. it took me a minute or two to get it, because it was on my phone, and my phone was off. you treated me very rudely at that point...instead of going back to your work, letting me step aside to find it, and helping me in a few minutes, you kept badgering me for other information. you were loud and you were demanding.

"what's the phone number? you need to give me the phone number of the place you're going." "just a moment...::rifles through wallet, finds card:: here it is." "i can't call up there! you have to do it!"

(never mind the fact that the whole thing slowing me down was my phone booting up--at which point i'd have the stupid authorization code anyway.)

as soon as my phone booted and i had the authorization code, i gave it to you. it was like flipping the magic switch that turned you from one kind of asshat into another.

i gave you the number, and you immediately shifted from pushy and brusque to patronising and accommodating. it was a welcome change, briefly, as you called that number that you claimed before that you couldn't call, and got someone to come down and bring me upstairs. then, you got off the phone, leered at me, and started hitting on me.

you leaned forward. "so, what do you like to do in your spare time?"

i wanted you off my back. "i work, and i sleep. that's about it. i'm boring." the sad thing is, this answer, while not completely true, is not very far from the truth. i've pretty much dropped off the face of the earth, this hot summer weather is killing me, and working and sleeping are about all i have the energy to do anymore.
you didn't get the hint. you kept leering. "that can't be true. you've got all those bracelets. you're wearing a matchbox20 shirt. you've got to be more interesting than that."

"nope. the bracelets are from computer conferences." sure, i was implying something technically not true. yes, most of my bracelets are from hacker cons, but of course they aren't ones i've gone to for work. i hope to have a job someday that sends me to cons, but i'm nowhere near that level in my career yet.

"you're not telling me everything. i know you're more interesting than that."

of course i am. and, i'm a terrible liar. i don't hide things well. but, i'd still rather lie than actually get into a conversation with you, the person who two minutes ago was treating me like the dirt on the bottom of your shoes. i'd still rather at least try to play the part of the boring workaholic than divulge much of my personality to you, the person who is clearly trying to butter me up and pry things out of me that i really don't feel like discussing with you.

i'm willing to deal with you on a business level because i have to. i can't get to my job if i don't. but, i don't want to deal with you on a personal level, and i'm going to do everything in my power to keep you behind that wall.

glad i have my badge and won't have to deal with you anymore,

Sunday, June 13, 2010

News Crack Smokers Can Use: June 13, 2010

dear crack smokers,

i know you think crack is the bee's knees, and you enjoy smoking it at any opportunity. you may even like it so much that you become a crack evangelist...trying to convince everyone you know that crack makes you feel awesome, and that they should try it.

however, if the person you're talking to does not feel like smoking crack, don't do anything rash. don't force crack on them. don't throw a fit. don't beat them up because they won't smoke crack.

keep in the front of your mind that crack is illegal. if Officer Friendly finds out that you're smoking crack, he might take you to jail. going to jail is going to put a serious damper on your crack smoking life; it's a lot easier to get away with smoking crack in the privacy of your own home than it is to get away with smoking it in the slammer. the last thing you want to do if you are a crack smoker is cause a scene that attracts the attention of the local constabulary. unfortunately, beating someone up because they won't smoke crack might just bring attention to you. i know it confuses you a lot that someone doesn't quite see the allure of smoking crack, but rest assured that people can figure out how to live perfectly happy lives without it.

finally, if this all seems silly or bizarre, just look at it this way: if one fewer person is smoking crack, it leaves more crack for you.


intent never makes a sound

i heard this song for the first time a few days ago, and was shocked at how well it described the mood i've been in lately.



by anberlin

there's someone inside me that softly kills everyone around
they don't know they're dead to me cause intent never makes a sound
all along they found i strangled lovers who've learned from slower hands
with these eleven minutes i could teach you what i am

you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

there's an art in seclusion
production in depression
if a stranger turns up missing this song is my confession
tell the tales of the trail of dead
lovers learn from slower hands
losing self in myself
inner demons make demands

you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

you're suffocating me
so very hard to breathe
my mask is growing heavy but i've forgotten who's beneath

you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide
you're sick
sick as all the secrets that you deny
sins like skeletons are so very hard to hide

Tuesday, June 01, 2010


i am all over the place tonight. my brain is bouncing around at a mile a minute, and i'm not quite sure how much sleep i'll actually get tonight.


i've pretty much recovered from DEMF this weekend. it was worth being there for, but not in the way i expected. the festival itself was not quite my thing. that's not to say the music wasn't good...the sets i heard were enjoyable, especially Plastikman's to close out the main stage on Friday night. but...the bad things about being in the festival outweighed the good. it was ridiculously expensive to get a ticket into the festival. the plaza was extremely crowded, and i am not a huge fan of being in very crowded areas. the weather was hot, which i don't tolerate very well. and, worst of all, the security guards were royal, powertripping jerks.

what was worth attending, and generally full of awesome? the side parties. the Bang Tech 12 preparty on friday night was a lot of fun. the music was sweet (especially DJ Psycho's set...), and the rooftop porch was breezy, with a good view of Detroit. saturday night after the festival, we went to the Detroit Techno Militia party...and even though the music wasn't really doing it for me the way i'd hoped (i think they had the bass turned WAY too high...), the venue was this random gallery in a run-down section of town, and there was a good feeling there.

monday morning was the highlight of the weekend. Dethlab threw an early-morning (8am-noon) parking lot party, and it was sweet. the music was my favourite out of any of the music i heard all weekend...seriously, i must see them spin again. (hear that, niteshad? keep an eye out for shows! *grin*) it was really low-key...lots of random chatting, sipping tasty Motor City Ghetto Blaster beer, and having a good time. there was also a really fun interlude around 10:30 or 11, when people noticed that someone had left a cooler full of water balloons in the parking lot. i hadn't been in a water balloon fight in forever, but for a while six or eight of us were laughing, carrying on, and attacking each other with water balloons. we left the party around noon because we were tired (8am party = very little sleep beforehand!) and the heat was starting to get to me, but i wish that party could have lasted all day.


i found out this afternoon that my talk proposal for The Next HOPE has been accepted! i'll be giving a reworked version of my Notacon talk, about how to make the hacker community more welcoming to new people. i'll be working in content from the post-talk Q and A at Notacon into my talk, and i'm looking forward to having an equally interesting conversation about it with everyone at HOPE.


also, i start my new job tomorrow! *eek* i'm excited about it, but also a bit nervous given that it's a new situation, a new group of people, and a new career. i doubt i'll be sharing many specifics about it, given the utterly public nature of this blog and the utter stupidity of talking too much about one's work on such a forum, but needless to say it's a topic that has been spending more and more time at the front of my mind as tomorrow draws closer.

Mister Coke

i know this is the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker, but every so often something so silly comes up that doesn't relate to crack that i still find it worth mentioning. this is one of those times.

if your name is Mr. Coke, don't grow up to be a drug lord.

in general, growing up to be a drug lord is a bad idea. sure, rolling in cash can be a lot of fun, and there are probably plenty of good-looking women who are still stupid enough to think it's cool to show their breasts to the rich drug lord in town. you might even get a bit of a power trip from convincing people that you're a legitimate businessman and a good guy.

however, making it that far in drug-lord-dom is difficult. unless mommy and daddy were drug lords before you and passed on the family business, making it that far requires a lot of wheeling, dealing, and potentially pissing off other drug lords and wanna-be drug lords who would rather kill you than give up their businesses. that's a pretty big risk to take.

even if you're lucky, and you become a drug lord superstar with a big house and five cars, it's eventually going to come crashing down anyway. when you're on top, rival drug lords will still want to kill you and take your business, so you still have a target on your head. living with armed guards 24/7 can't be fun.

drug running is also illegal. eventually people may trace the supply to you, and the local constabulary will eventually start knocking on the door. if you don't answer, they'll probably start getting a little more insistent, and their desire to kill you may rise to rival the other drug lords'. that doesn't sound like a relaxing way to enjoy the fruits of your labour.

and, if your name is Coke, people will clown on you for entering such an ominously fitting profession. if you're that desperate to match your job and your name, maybe going into the steel profession or the caffeinated beverage profession would be slightly less fraught with peril.

you're welcome.