Monday, March 08, 2010

News Crack Smokers Can Use: EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT!

despite the fact that i have been remiss in my advice to crack smokers over the last few months, nothing has actually changed. the sun still rises in the east, it still sets in the west, and crack smokers are still doing really stupid things.

case in point? this unsavoury situation.

first of all: do not buy your crack with monopoly money. ever. it's a terrible idea. if your crack dealer placed an inordinate amount of value on utterly worthless monopoly money, he would not make his living selling crack. he would make his living on the professional monopoly-playing circuit. however, you did not see him in the news winning the national monopoly championship. you met him because he is a crack dealer, and you are a crack smoker. he's in it to make money: united states currency, legal tender, which he can give to the guy one step above him on the crack-dealing chain, in exchange for more of that crack you love so much. just buy your crack with cold, hard, non-counterfeit cash. it will cause fewer problems in the long run.

second of all: do not expect the local constabulary to take pity on you if you are stupid enough to buy crack with monopoly money. if you're pulled over while driving, and you're bleeding from your head, it is bound to raise some questions. i guess i can give you two points for honesty for admitting your screw-up to the policeman, but why do you think the police will just forget about it if you're uncooperative, and not actually try to find your crack dealer?1 choose a strategy and run with it whole hog: either admit your mistake to Officer Friendly and help him find that crack dealer who beat you up, or don't reveal the circumstances behind why your head is bleeding.

finally: if you are selling crack, why in the world would you give a crack smoker some crack if all he gave you in return was monopoly money? don't even take that crack out of your pocket until your crack smoking customer gives you cold, hard cash for it! the only explanation i can think of for actually accepting monopoly money in return for crack would be a blatant violation of the fourth crack commandment: specifically, getting high on one's own supply. you've got to be smoking crack in order to take monopoly money in return for crack--lay off the crackpipe. not only will your business be a lot more lucrative, but you won't have to deal with the cops finding your shiftless customers who you beat in an angry rage when you suddenly realised that the US Government does not offer little blue fifty dollar bills.

congratulations: for the first time ever, we have both a crack dealer and his client who have simultaneously qualified as crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.

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1 answer: because that requires a bit more reasoning capacity than a crack smoker who buys crack with monopoly money probably has.

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