Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Monday, March 30, 2009

opera in a nutshell

i have a general policy of not publicizing youtube contests or the like...but there's an exception to every rule. this is it.

the Chicago Opera Theatre is doing a contest, where people can make youtube videos about opera, and the one who gets the most people to favourite it will win a season pass to the opera. the video that my friend Sacha made with one of his friends is hilarious:



:D

so, if you found that as funny as i did...please favourite it, and help Sacha win opera tickets! thank you! <3

is that really the best you can do, scammers?

the subject of one of my spam emails today said "Facebook changes coming."

the text of the email contained three links that said "Subscribe to Men's Health today!"

the email links all point to a website called moraltangy.com.

it's like the phishing scammers don't even try anymore.

it flies! it drives! i want one!

i want one of these. it's a car...that turns into a plane...that you can park in your own garage.

i have not been tempted to get any kind of license to operate a motor vehicle since i gave up my driver's license as a teenager. however...the terrafugia transition has brought such temptation. the thought of having my own little car-plane, and being able to fly from point A to point B on a whim, would be such a dream come true that i would get licenses to drive and to fly, just to have one of these.

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 30, 2009

monday morning has rolled around again. the students and the working stiffs are shaking off the cobwebs and becoming busy bees again. the crack smokers are still smoking crack, like they do on every day that ends in y. again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • you're a crack smoker. congratulations. i hope you enjoy your crack, and i hope you can find some friends with whom you can share your crack smoking joy, and whom you trust enough to not steal your stash or turn you in to the cops. finding such people is a tall order, but maybe you can succeed in finding them. until then, keep your crack to yourself. specifically, as a crack smoker, you do not have the right to blow your crack smoke into someone else's lungs while they are sleeping. just because you love your crack does not mean that they love your crack. even if they were a crack smoker, this does not mean that they love your secondhand crack smoke mixed with your germs. that's just gross. if you want to share the gift of crack, i suggest doing it the normal way: by letting them take a hit off your crackpipe. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this bit of News!]
  • i've generally stopped posting articles about eating crack: crack smokers and crack dealers alike all seem to think it's a great way to get rid of crack, despite the plethora of News features to the contrary. however, every week i see more articles about crack smokers and crack dealers who eat crack in order to try to get rid of it. seriously, guys...if you are desperate enough to evade the cops that you are eating your crack, you are already screwed. this screweditude holdes especially true if the police are already talking to you. if you're being questioned, give it up. don't say anything...but don't tempt them any further by taking out your crack and eating it while Officer Friendly is questioning you. cut your losses.
  • speaking of bad things to do when the police are breathing down your necks...if the police are about to enter your crack house, find a very, very quiet way to hide your crack. it will probably be discovered during the search, but there's no harm in trying. however, despite the fact that flushing drugs down the toilet has become canonical, it's an extremely bad idea--and you should never, never, never try it. think about it: toilet flush noises are loud. police officers have ears. if police are coming to bust you for drugs, and they hear a loud noise which they associate with a last-ditch effort to get rid of drugs, they'll know where to look first. since most newer toilets are wimpy, and since toilet pipes are not made to accommodate crack rocks, you're just admitting defeat.
  • the secret to being a successful crack smoker is to operate under the radar. to ensure a long and happy crack smoking career, you should draw as little attention to yourself as possible. don't tell your local constabulary that you're going to "fuck them up" if you're carrying crack rocks. don't tell the cops you're going to the movies when you're dealing crack in a town without a movie theatre. don't pass out drunk in your car in the courthouse parking lot if your car's ashtray is full of crack. don't blast loud music from your crack house. in short...if you try to annoy or confuse as few people as possible, you'll increase your likelihood of smoking your crack in peace.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or bake me a cake with the story painted on it in brightly coloured icing.

weird.

"drift" by forty foot echo has been ringing in my head all morning.

i loaded up my favourite station on pandora this morning, and what was the first song to start playing?

that one.

Friday, March 27, 2009

&:oD

this article says that every clown gets their day, since governors are so happy to make proclamations.

this leads me to ask the question: if every clown gets a day, when is RogueClown going to get hers?

the cream of the crap

this song is so silly...and i love it.



yes, i'll be singing it all day now. why do you ask?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

more google searches crack smokers have used

one of the best things about having a blog that talks about crack so much, other than talking about crack so much, is seeing what people google to get here. this week, i got a few more humdingers:
  • is crack legal anywhere in 2009: it depends if you're talking about selling crack or smoking it. as far as i know, selling crack is illegal everywhere. if you want to sell crack, you've got to be smart and sneaky, or you're going to risk going to the slammer. however, if you just want to possess it and smoke it, your best bet is colombia. in colombia, it's legal to possess up to a gram of cocaine for personal use. so, if you're willing to deal with the ridiculously high crime rate and the warring drug lords...go to colombia, produce your own coke a gram at a time, cook some crack, and smoke it secure in the knowledge that it's actually legal. of course, i can't promise that the local cocaine lords won't get a little shoot-y or stabby when they find out that you're circumventing them, but that's not the question you asked.
  • crack for pirates: no such thing exists. pirates don't need crack. they're too busy plundering, pillaging, and generally being awesome.
  • happy weekend crack: whether crack will help you have a happy weekend is up to you. if you hide your crack, smoke it in the privacy of your own home, and refrain from going out and arousing the suspicion of your local constabulary, you may have a happy crack smoking weekend. if not...you're likely to be locked up, and it'll be a while before you can have another suitably cracktastic weekend.
  • cracksmokers in action videos: i generally don't post videos of crack smokers smoking crack. that's not the main focus of this blog: instead, it's the ancillary stupidity that accompanies the least competent crack smokers everywhere they go. furthermore, most of the videos of crack smoking involve celebrities. i'm not averse to mentioning a celebrity if they do something so stupid that it would have been equally funny if Joe Crackhead were busted for doing it, but otherwise, what's the point? this isn't yeeeah.com...it's the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. however, just for you, i'll post the one crack smoking video that's actually worth posting here, courtesy of baitcar.com:


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

seven months of fraudulent bagels?

dear Bank of America,

i've been buying a bagel at the Cosi by my office several times a week since i started my job in September, and you just now decided to freeze my card, make me call you, and confirm that those transactions were fraudulent?

way to be quick on the uptake, bank. way to be quick on the uptake.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker

>:-[

what does it say about your life when you get profoundly entertained by the fact that a SRS BSNS newsletter uses the word "swag" in a headline?

Monday, March 23, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 23, 2009

another week has passed. a + b still equals b + a, each angle of an equilateral triangle still measures sixty degrees, and crack smokers are still smoking lots of crack. so, again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • when you hear Jesus and crack in the same sentence, it's usually in the context of people finding religion and letting it be a force to turn them away from crack. one usher at the Miracle Outreach and Deliverance Church didn't quite understand this. instead, he got the idea that the church was the perfect place to perform the miraculous deliverance of crack to the faithful local crack smokers. he hid his crack in the church, and hid the money in a bible. of course, Taryn has it exactly right: even if you give it all to Jesus, it's still a crime. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
  • it's good to confine your crack smoking to the inside of your home. as long as you pull the blinds, it's very unlikely that anyone will see you smoke the crack. you can enjoy your favourite pastime in peace, let your crackpipe cool on the table or the counter, and then go along with your day. however, letting your crackpipe cool is an essential part of any good after-crack-smoking ritual. what you don't do is put your still-hot crackpipe in the pocket of your flannel shirt, and place the crackpipe-laden shirt in a closet full of paper goods. this will probably cause a fire, and it's not very nice to set your whole apartment building on fire and force an evacuation at two thirty in the morning because you didn't just let your crackpipe cool off. basic etiquette, crack smokers...basic etiquette. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
  • getting busted for possession of crack means you're not very good at hiding your crack. getting busted for possession of crack twice within six years means you're both bad at hiding your crack and bad at realising that you are bad at hiding your crack. if you are an attorney who has been busted for crack possession twice within six years, it means you should wave the white flag with respect to both your law talking and your crack smoking. it also means that you have joined the elite ranks of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.
  • if you are going to run around town acting like a dog, growling, eating dog food, and eating mud, that's your business. sure, it's probably going to lead to problems if such behaviour resulted from a bad drug trip, but there are ways to minimize the damage. specifically: take your crack out of your pocket before you get extremely high on hallucinogens. if you can't shoulder this responsibility on your own, have a friend help you. why is this important? because, if you're running around acting like a dog, the local constabulary won't be all that confused. in fact, they'll know for a fact that you're on something, and take away all of that crack in your pocket. you won't be able to go back home and smoke it when you're feeling a little more human...and that's no fun, is it? [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn and Sabrebutt for tipping me off to this one!]
  • speaking of dog food, a bag of dog food isn't a terrible place to hide your crack. dog food is common, it's wholesome, it's perfectly legal, and it's pretty easy to hide a baggie with a few grams of crack in twenty pounds of kibbles and bits. such a ruse gains extra credibility when you've actually got a dog in the car with you, as well as the dog food. however, you're doing it wrong if Officer Friendly actually sees your plastic baggie of crack amidst the dog food. that either means the bag was ripped, the bag was poorly reclosed after you put the crack in there, or you tried to hide the crack in a clear bag of dog food. either way, you took a perfectly promising way of hiding your crack, and managed to screw it up. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or write it in huge letters, with brightly coloured sidewalk chalk, along the streets by my office.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

i love my roomies.

Foofy: hey, want some cake?
Shaph and i each eat a bite of cake.
Shaph: hey, why do i feel the sudden urge to suck a dick?
me no, no...he didn't have to put that stuff in there. he's baking it for a gay party. they're already gay.
Shaph: true, true.
me: now, if he was baking it for the First Annual Convention of Turning Straight Frat Boys Into Gay Boys...
Shaph: hey, who are you calling a frat boy?
Foofy: my secret ingredient: bi-curious of soda.

Friday, March 20, 2009

boring quiz?

seen in my google ads:

Am I Boring?
Maybe. Take The Quiz & See If You Are Boring Or Not. Free Online!


if you actually need to click on an ad like this to figure out whether or not you are boring, then i think you've already answered the question.

my spam folder has officially devolved into dada.

i was just clearing out my spam folder, and harvesting a few more phone numbers for advance fee fraudsters to prank call in what little spare time i have. i came across this rather short bit of junk mail:

subject: [SPAM:#] Sex Tips for People Who Don't Like Their Spouse
what is a pier.


if anyone can explain to me how a pier can help me screw someone i don't like, i'm all ears.

stephen f. austin is okay.

stephen f. austin is about to tip off against syracuse. stephen f. austin should win, just because they have the coolest team name i've seen in a while:

the lumberjacks.

you're not the first girl I've blurred into something beautiful...but you're the only one who keeps coming back

i'm so excited!!! shooting blanks! and after the fight are playing at the mutiny tonight at 9. if you're in chicago, you (yes! you! reading this right now!) should come! there's no cover to get into the show, and it'll be a night full of crazy punk rock and beer. how can you go wrong?

and, in honour of the show tonight, i'll resurrect one of my favourite pictures i've ever taken...a picture i took at Shooting Blanks' last show, way back in november of 2007, of Hoffman and his awesome guitar:

Thursday, March 19, 2009

this should bring any crack smoker to their knees.

A Crackhead's Prayer
by Taryn

Our dealer, who's in the alley
and his hallowed crack cocaine.
Thy rocks are fun
Even when crumbs
and my pipe is a piece of heaven.
Give me this day my daily fix
Forgive me my sins,
but I can't forgive that asshole that stole my stash.
Lead us not to baking soda
and deliver us from the slammer
for thine is the crack, the crackwhore, and the crackhead,
forever and ever.
Amen.

really?

i saw today's post on the vintage web...and can't shake the memory of using that exact same font, colour, and wavy text when i was in high school.

of course, i was using it on powerpoint presentations i made when i was bored, and not on websites that i was getting paid to develop. that's my excuse, and i'm sticking to it.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

tasty, tasty notacon goodness

i bought my plane tickets for notacon today! i'm arriving Thursday night, April 16, a little after 10pm, and i'll be in Cleveland until a little after 6pm on Monday, April 20.

so, if any of you happen to either live in Cleveland or have plans to attend notacon...let me know, and we shall hang out! :)

meta-scam

i was reading through my spam folder this morning, and i stumbled across the ultimate meta-scam:

AFRI-BANK PLC
UNITED NATIONS SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATIONS PAYMENTS.
DIRECTOR
SIR/MADAM,
REF/PAYMENTS CODE: AFB/06654 $100,000 USD.

This is to bring to your notice that we are delegated from the UNITED NATIONS in Central Bank to pay 150 victims of scam $100,000 USD each. You are listed and approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount, get back to this office as soon as possible for the immediate payments of your $100,000 USD compensations funds.
SCAMMED VICTIM/REF/PAYMENTS CODE:
AFB/06654 $100,000 USD.
Email:afri2009bknigplc@yahoo.com.hk
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs.Julian Mena


let me get this straight...scammers are now perpetrating fake scam victim compensation payment scams? i'm really, really sad that this email didn't have a phone number on it. i could have had a lot of fun with this one.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

this is not how you promote your studies.

i now present to you the most disturbing gmail "sponsored link" i've ever seen:

Unemployed Toddlers? - babylab.uchicago.edu - Put them to work at the Center for Early Childhood Research!

ummmmm...no. i can only hope that they are trying to insinuate that toddlers can do something useful in this study. they picked the wrong way to say it. it doesn't matter how bad the economy gets; no economy is so bad that people should be encouraged to think of their small children as unemployed and put their toddlers to work.

someone is saying something colossally stupid in the name of my alma mater, and i do not approve.

happy weekend...

this past weekend was awesome. i haven't really had the chance to come down from it, since i got back sunday night and then had an epically long day at the office yesterday...but i *was* in new york this past weekend, hanging out with some Rob guy that i seem to enjoy hanging out with. ;-)

i got into town thursday night...and friday involved watching lots of beavis and butt-head and snoozing a lot. :) my week had been pretty tiresome up to that point, so it was nice to have a day to just unwind with Rob. we walked around lindenhurst that night, and went to the music store on the main street. i was THISCLOSE to buying a flute that was on the clearance table, but Rob successfully convinced me that buying another loud, noisy thing that i don't know how to play might be a bad idea, since i was already in the process of making a loud, noisy thing that i don't know how to play.

saturday involved lots of adventures. we spent the afternoon eating tasty foods at an artsy little cafe in babylon, and i finally got to meet Rob's sister Jo and his nephew Liam. i had heard so much about them over the last...months and months, so it was a lot of fun to finally meet them! after lunch, Rob and i meandered around Babylon for a while. we stopped in this toy store, and i finally picked up my own copy of Phase 10, a card game that my friend Hilary had taught me a long time ago, but that i hadn't played since i left st. louis. we then walked around a little lake in a little park not too far from the train station, and then caught the long island rail road into new york city.

it's not like we had any plans going into town...i just really wanted to go into the city. turns out, no plans were the best plans of all. first, we took a nighttime ride on the ferry, to staten island and back. i love the staten island ferry so much...i just can't get tired of it. there's just something really fun about standing on the front of the boat with Rob and geeking out about transit, urban scenery, and everything else. after the boat ride, we confused the heck out of a security guard [and, likely, several passers-by] by rhythmically poking around at the talking kiosk map of the ferry station. all we needed was a beatbox, and we would have had a complete bundle of super geeky club music...note to self, bring phat beatz next time.

then, we just started walking. i didn't know where. Rob didn't know where. we started at south ferry and just walked north...then around city hall for a bit...and then north again. we stopped at a bookstore by NYU for a while, and then kept walking. we saw a sushi place by union square, and stopped in. after dinner, we kept walking. we popped into a comic book store...where Rob bought a 2009 calendar (finally! hehe...) and i bought a beavis and butt-head magnet. then, we just kept walking north, until we hit Grand Central Station. i had never approached Grand Central coming north on Park Avenue before...wow. it was breathtaking. we hung out in Grand Central Station for a bit, and then walked back south to Penn Station. all in all, we walked between five and a half and six miles around Manhattan that night...and it was awesome. i just wish i had brought my camera, so i could have taken pictures of the city and the scenery and the buildings.

the train ride was special. of course, since we took a train that left Penn around 1:30am, it was a Drunk Train® full of loud, smelly people. that was perfectly expected, and the drunks eventually filed off the train. what i was not expecting, however, was the large crowd of dillholes who hopped the train at Wantagh: about twenty loud, inebriated, typical long islanders all got on our car. they were exactly what you'd expect from a large group of people who would decide to hang out in some town on Long Island despite one of the world's best places to go out at night being less than an hour away. they carried themselves like they thought they were the coolest people on earth, and then betrayed themselves as wannabes by doing such things as trying to justify their coolness by saying such things as "i'm twenty, and i got into the bar!" of course, a ton of them hopped off the train at lindenhurst. as we got off the train there, i told Rob how glad i was that he managed to grow up there without becoming...that.

sunday was another low-key day of sleeping in, eating a tasty breakfast that Rob made, watching game shows...and then going to the airport. :( that's always the worst part about going to new york, the fact that it's so hard to leave. hopefully, though, i'll get to see him again soon.

notacon, maybe? <3

Monday, March 16, 2009

wall of shame

i love this song. i love this song. i love this song.

suck.

i just reached into my inbox and got a fingerful of cactus spines instead.

yeah, today's a great day. :-P

Sunday, March 15, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 16, 2009

spring is coming. the weather is getting warmer, and more people are coming outside. some people celebrate by taking a walk in a park. some people celebrate by getting together a rousing game of baseball. some people celebrate by wearing one less layer of clothing when they stroll out to the local alley to buy or sell some crack. so, again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • certain dishwashing liquids bill themselves as "tough on grease, soft on hands." crack, on the other hand, is not soft on hands. you can get some telltale blisters on your hands from firing up that crackpipe on a regular basis. why does this matter? because, if you're driving your bike on the wrong side of the road with no brakes and no headlights, and a member of your local constabulary notices that you have crack hands, they may put two and two together. moral of the story? environmentally friendly crack smokers who ride bikes instead of cars should invest in a pair of gloves, and possibly make an effort to refrain from biking while high on crack.
  • you probably saw the same seat-belt public service announcements that we all saw back in the day: "click it or ticket." now that you're older, though, the stakes are a little higher. what am i trying to get at? if you've just been released from jail on a drug charge, and you have the audacity to be carrying some crack...click it, or get busted on another set of crack charges. that may be somewhat less catchy than the old slogan, but if you remember that, you're more likely to get home and get back to your crack smoking before the police pull you over.
  • if the police have caught you, and you're running away, don't think that you're being clever if you toss your "pack of cigarettes" and hide in an alley. cigarettes are addictive, and the police won't take it at face value that you're tossing away some perfectly legal cigarettes in order to make yourself slightly lighter and more aerodynamic as you flee. if there are twenty-two individually wrapped crack rocks in that pack, the police will find them, shake their heads, make their way to crack dealer alley, and arrest you for being a crack dealer.
  • take it from me: stay home when you are high on crack. it does you no good to draw attention to yourself by walking around town while under the influence. however, if you seriously feel the need to go out while you are high, leave all of your drugs behind. finally, if Officer Friendly apprehends you while you're high on crack and carrying a stash of weed, think of something slightly less silly to say to him than, "i did nothing wrong. all i did was smoke a little crack."
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or engrave your message on the back of a regal slice of bread.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

making lemonade

alpha delt: 1. westboro baptist: 0.



U of C frat boys still can't dance, but at least they're trying...and doing a darn good job of making a mockery of those mockeries from the lunatic fringe.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

lock picking video

this video was posted on the ccckc email list. as a beginning lockpicker...this is definitely something for me to aspire to:



some of those kinds of locks i've been able to pick. some of them, not so much. eight locks of any kind that quickly? not yet.

sleeps rants

i really need to start going to bed at a reasonable hour. my sleep schedule is completely out of whack. i stayed up until 4am saturday, thanks to daylight savings time rearing its ugly head. i got to bed at a decent hour on sunday, but then stayed up until 1am or so on monday night, since i was working on my theremin. then, last night, i ended up going out after the pumping station: one meeting, and not getting home until almost 2am. oopsy.

i'm such a square...if i am not in bed by midnight on a work-night, the next morning really sucks. thank goodness for coffee, though, because otherwise i'd be completely dead in the water.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 10, 2009

i apologise for being remiss in my duties as a news provider. i am not dead, and crack smokers have not stopped smoking crack. [if you must know, i was inhaling noxious fumes of a non-crack sort: specifically, solder fumes, in the process of building an extremely shiny theremin.] despite my life away from crack, i have not abandoned my responsibility to provide useful information to the crack smoking public. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i know the TSA constantly warns travellers about not bringing knives, guns, and bottles of liquid through security at the airport. rants about security theatre aside, the reason they have these reminders is because these items are perfectly legal to have with you in most places other than airplanes. the reason they don't post signs about not bringing crack on planes is because you're not supposed to have crack anywhere. but, if i have to spell it out for you, i will: do not try to bring crack on an airplane. if the TSA person bothers to notice your crack rocks, they may also bother to give the local police a ring and have you arrested. and, before you ask...this advice holds true even if you have a silly name like Coolio. in this case, you are NOT the kind of G the little homies want to be like.
  • it is a bad idea for crack smokers to have kids. the cycle of smoking crack, riding the effects of crack, finding more money for crack, and arranging for a crack dealer to sell you some crack is pretty time-consuming. caring for a screaming, squirming baby is also quite time-consuming...in fact, it's a twenty-four-hour-a-day job. if you're interested in both crack and kids, you would be best served to choose one or the other. otherwise, you may end up with neither. just ask the woman who pilfered a purse from another woman in the maternity ward and tried to hock the phone and camera inside for crack money. of course, like most cases of crack smokers failing to prioritize correctly, it didn't end well. instead of being happy at home with her kid, or happy at home with her crack...she's sad in jail, away from both her kid and her crack. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to Rob for this one!]
  • people often call personal digital assistants "Crackberries." they call them such because they are extremely addictive. they do not call them Crackberries because it is a good idea to use them to organize your crack trafficking operation. in fact, it is a terrible idea. if the local constabulary gets wind of your little enterprise, they can and will use the information they find on that Crackberry against you in order to put you away for selling crack. i know computer technology is exciting, and enterprising crack dealers everywhere are trying to bring their operations into the 21st century...but, unless you are willing to learn all about metadata, computer memory, internet archiving, and data recovery, it's better to make your crack dealing operation a strictly analog enterprise.
  • if you're being sent to jail, they should let you have your medicine. however, they reserve the right to check your medicine, make sure that it is real medicine, and make sure that it is something your doctor has prescribed for you. in short, Corrections Officer Friendly is not going to let you bring your medicine bottle into jail with you if it contains a crackpipe and some crack rocks. this crack smoker gets points for creativity...but loses far more points for actually thinking that stuffing his crack in a bottle and calling it "medicine" was going to pass muster.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or start tossing paper airplanes with your message on it in my general direction.

Monday, March 09, 2009

*thwack*

danny donkey usually has it right...and this is no exception.

Friday, March 06, 2009

is this what passes for "respecting life" nowadays?

the catholic church keeps admonishing people to respect life. sometimes i want to give them the benefit of the doubt and think that this mantra extends somewhere past banning abortions and preventing the terminally ill from dying with dignity. then, i read things like this...and any desire i have to give the catholic church the benefit of the doubt goes away.

it blows my mind. a nine-year-old girl's stepfather has been sexually abusing her since she was six. she gets stomach pains one day. her mother takes her to the hospital, and the doctors find out that this nine-year-old girl is pregnant with twins as a result of this vicious sexual abuse. this girl, being nine, is not big enough to carry a baby to term--having one baby in there, much less two, would rip her uterus to shreds and probably kill her. the only way to save her life is to terminate the pregnancy.

did the catholic church respect this girl's life enough to realise that an abortion was the only way to save her life? no. in fact, they didn't even give her the respect of being quiet about it and letting her go through this traumatic time in privacy. they made a big, public stink and tried to shame the doctors into denying her the abortion that would save her life.

the doctors stood their ground, and gave her the abortion on wednesday.

now, the archbishop is excommunicating the doctors as well as the girl's mother, for being the people who allowed that abortion to happen.

this makes me so mad. after having the gall to make this already difficult time of this girl's life even more difficult on her, her mother, and the doctors who saved her life...now they're very publicly kicking the mother and the doctors out of the church? unbelievable. are we supposed to give them a medal for compassion because they're not kicking the girl out of the church too, due to her age?

i think the church could learn a thing or two about respecting life from these doctors and the girl's mother. in the face of the heavy pressure put on them by the catholic church to throw the girl's life away for the sake of a political crusade, they instead went through with the one medical procedure that was going to save her life and give her a chance to grow up, hopefully work through her abuse at the hands of her stepfather, and live a happy life someday.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

are you kidding me?

dear dillhole,

this letter had better be a joke. if you actually thought that you were not actually risking spending your life at work by taking a job in new york city biglaw, you must be the stupidest person ever. i'm sure people warned you of that when you were in law school. that information is all over the internet--on atl, on a million other blogs, and in a million news articles. any of your classmates could have told you that. any of your professors could have told you that. any of the people in career services could have told you that.

in fact, you probably worked as a summer associate. remember all of those people who were still slaving away in their offices when you were leaving for this, that, or the other hard-drinking summer associate event? you're one of them now.

if you don't want to have to work a lot, quit your job. you are not entitled to a big, fat severance package because you ignored all of the information that was out there, took a job in new york city biglaw, and decided that you didn't ever want to work long hours. in fact, you're entitled to a swift kick in the nuts.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker

squee!

today's awesome so far. i had my favourite el driver this morning...i hadn't seen her in a while, so it was awesome to know that she's still on my route during the morning rush hour. then, while i was reading fark, i read the best headline i've ever read in my roughly four and a half years of reading that site:

"Moran arrested for child porn. Good. Good arrested for looking at kid's johnson. Johnson arrested with pics of kid in leathers. Leathers arrested with more, I see. Morici arrested too. Moran"

today rules.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

old school.

i'm sick of seeing blowhards like rush limbaugh in the news. so, to counteract that with a megadose of awesome, i resurrect one of the most entertaining things that the foofy attorney has ever devised:



i feel better now.

:-(

suddenly, the story of the minor leaguer who got traded for ten bats isn't all that funny anymore.

free legal advice on the web? yeah, right.

i stumbled across the answers and advice section on avvo.com today.

it's like yahoo answers, but for legal questions. i'm seriously bothered by it, since it has a disingenuous premise, and is ultimately useless.

first of all, the site markets itself as "free legal advice from lawyers", but there appears to be no screening process to make sure that people who are answering the questions are actually lawyers. it looks like you can answer questions as long as you're registered for the site, and you don't have to be a licensed lawyer [much less a licensed lawyer in any given asker's jurisdiction] to start answering questions. that sounds like unauthorized practice of law to me.

secondly, there's something i find useless about people asking their legal questions online for all to see, other people answering them, and then allowing joe and jane blow to rate the answers. it's too cursory. a quick yahoo answers-style question, without any kind of ensuing conversation, is not going to unpack all the complexity that lurks in a legal question, and it's not going to provide any helpful legal advice. furthermore, assuming that the person answering is actually a lawyer, it's not going to give anyone the basis to make an educated assessment of the quality of the answerer's legal services.

the CTA is officially on notice.

the "the moving walkway is now ending" woman is now the new voice of the CTA?

i hate those airport moving walkway announcements. they're obnoxious. i'll try and reserve judgment until i hear her work for the CTA...maybe she's got some nice voice-actress chops and can make the CTA announcements sound different from the airport ones. still, i'm apprehensive...and i will be really, really sad if my CTA rides start to sound like my long waits in airports.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

election day!

do you live in the 5th congressional district of illinois? (it includes parts of the north side of chicago. if you don't know your congressional district, find out here.)

if so--it's election day!

the democrats, the greens, and the republicans are all having their primary today to decide who runs in next month's general election to fill rahm emanuel's old congressional seat. the turnout at these things is usually more than depressing, and there's no excuse for it. this is just as big a deal as a regularly timed primary or general election, and the congressional seat is just as legit and just as powerful. so, please take some time to read the candidates' platforms if you haven't already, get out to the polling place, and vote!

Monday, March 02, 2009

less eggs, more spam

an especially fortuitous mad lib? an excerpt from the Great American Novel? you decide:

For example, an oil filter about the anomaly indicates that the hole puncher over a squid often has a change of heart about the short order cook inside a fire hydrant. When you see the flavored hell, it means that a fruit cake leaves. An industrial complex related to another formless void starts reminiscing about lost glory, and a nearest food stamp trembles; however, the chestnut sells a slow pig pen to the abstraction inside a jersey cow. Now and then, the hydrogen atom from a chess board lazily tries to seduce the cocker spaniel.

i don't know how the spammer came up with this one, but it's brilliant.

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 2, 2009

it's march, and everyone's ready for spring. no dice: it's still snowing. most people take shelter at home, hide under a cozy blanket, and watch tv. however, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes to find the stories of certain silly souls who have instead taken refuge in their local crackhouse and fended off the cold by firing up some crack rocks. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • how many times do i have to tell you crack dealers that you should be careful about your street name? if your street name is something really idiotic, and you get arrested, then everyone in town [and on the internet] is going to know it, and they will laugh at you! that being said, the only excuse for having a street name like butterhead is if you are such a Beavis and Butt-Head fan that you knew off the top of your head that Dr. Leibowitz called Butt-Head "Butterhead" in "Impotence," the episode where they go and get a doctor to address their problem of not scoring. then again, if you're really that much of a beavis and butt-head fan, you should be smart and well-versed enough to call yourself buffcoat instead.
  • over the last few years, there has been a resurgence of interest in old-school bartering. instead of the impersonality of giving and receiving money for goods and services, people are starting to cut out the middleman and just trade what they have for what they want. this is often advantageous for both parties. however, you should remember that most successful barters involve trading a legal good or service for another legal good or service. for example, trading a bottle of mad dog 20/20 for a box of baking soda would be a perfectly good barter. trading crack for murder-for-hire service, on the other hand, might bring your crack smoking career to an unwelcome halt: especially when your chosen hitman is actually a member of the fbi. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to proto_zombie for this one!]
  • smoking crack is illegal. therefore, if you are a crack smoker, it would make sense to minimize the possibility of getting busted by trying to obtain your crack money by legal means. this means that robbing a restaurant at knifepoint for crack money is not a good idea. if it's too late, and you do obtain your crack money for armed robbery, it would at least make sense to get out of town for a while and make it slightly more difficult for the local constabulary to find you. in other words: you're doing something wrong if you hold up a restaurant for crack money and then go straight back to your home right around the corner from the restaurant to smoke crack.
  • if you are driving, and you suddenly get the urge to smoke some crack, you'll be well-advised to wait to smoke your crack until you get home. if you can't wait that long, at least have the sense to pull your car into a somewhat hidden area, put your car into park, smoke your crack, and wait for the high to subside before you go on your merry way. at all costs, you should avoid smoking crack while you are still driving. the cops will probably catch you...but only if the tree on the opposite side of the road does not put an end to your drive first.
  • i get it: if you grew up listening to Motley Crue [or Brownsville Station, for that matter...], you probably think smokin' in the boys' room is really cool. however, they were singing about cigarettes--not crack. crack has a strong smell, so going to the local convenience store and smoking crack in the bathroom means that you are just begging to get arrested, especially if Officer Friendly is in line to use the toilet after you. if you're that intent on misinterpreting Motley Crue and smoking crack in the boys' room, do that in the privacy of your own home.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or fly an airplane with your tip on a banner behind it through chicago.

the grammar vote

i'm wading through the massive candidate overload of tomorrow's congressional primary election, reading through each democrat's platform and trying to figure out who i am going to vote for. i haven't made that decision yet, obviously, since i haven't read everyone's platforms yet, but i have figured out one thing:

if your campaign website is grammatically lacking, with a dearth of commas and an abundance of run-on sentences, i am probably not voting for you.

...the awesome power of the word clean!...

this is what happens when the Coen Brothers start doing public service announcements:



win.

adblock

there's something oddly therapeutic about updating the filters on a fresh install of adblock. sure, i put the filterset on there, but it's not perfect. as i flit from news site to news site, i see different ads, and have more url patterns to block. sure, it's not particularly brain-stimulating, but i feel like i'm doing a good deed every time i click "add filters." i know it's not that big a deal, since i'm only blocking the ads for myself and not the entire internet...but it still feels like i'm flicking off the advertisers every time i block their url pattern.

but...if anyone does want some awesome adblock filters, let me know. i'll happily share--i have a very long-term adblock install on my other computer, and i don't remember the last time i saw an ad on there. :D

Sunday, March 01, 2009