Monday, May 04, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: May 4, 2009

usually i do about four stories a week. however, april showers bring may flowers, and this may, the true stupidity of the crack smoking public is flowering like never before. the seedy depths of the interwebstubes have provided a bumper crop of stupid things people have done this week in the name of crack, and i'm passing the savings [and edification!] on to you. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • a recurring theme in the News is the fact that having or selling crack is illegal. it's a basic legal principle that if something is illegal, and Officer Friendly sees you doing that particular thing, he can put you under arrest and haul you to jail. [in fact, he doesn't even need that much--but probable cause is a little more complicated, and this is Criminal Law 101 For Crack Smokers.] this is why it is so crucial to smoke or sell your crack covertly--so the cops don't see you. in short...it doesn't take a "Supercop" to end your crack dealing career if you're selling it in the parking lot of the local police station. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this tip!]
  • being the victim of an armed robbery sucks, whether you are a crack smoker or not. however, you may want to think twice about involving the local constabulary in the case if you were using that robbed house as a large-scale crack cooking operation. keep in mind that if the police know you were robbed, they'll probably want to search the house for evidence. if you don't let them search the house for evidence, they'll think something's fishy. if they notice people carrying bags of crack from the house to a known crack house, they'll *know* something's fishy. so, if your crack factory is robbed...either let it slide, or remove all traces of your crack factory before even thinking about telling the cops.
  • "it's not my crack" is a pretty weak defense as it is. usually, if you're at the point where the police have found a cigarette pack full of crack rolled up in your pants, you're sunk. if you tell the police that it's not your crack, it won't negate the fact that you were carrying it, and you're in trouble. this week, we learn that even if it was counterfeit crack you were carrying in your pants, "it's not my crack" will never work. why? most crack smokers aren't aware, but it's a crime in most places to carry counterfeit crack. so, despite your protestations, the police will test it...and if they find that it's not real crack, you're in trouble even though your claim that it wasn't your crack was technically correct. [a big persecuted crack smoker thanks to Taryn for this tip!]
  • i know that many people find pez dispensers to be kitschy and awesome. some people may find them so interesting that you want to see how it feels like to be one. however, if you ever feel the need to channel your inner pez dispenser, i suggest you try it with pez candies, jolly ranchers, plastic toys, or something else that's legal. if you're a crack dealer, and you're standing out on the street popping crack out of your mouth like you're a pez dispenser...that might arouse a little suspicion.
  • paying for medical care is far more difficult than it should be nowadays, and doctors who try to make it easier for their clients to get the care that they need should generally be applauded. however, there's a difference between flexible payment schemes and leveraging your position as a doctor to get free crack. i know it sounds easy and painless to go to the local crack house and trade pain pill prescriptions for your precious crack rocks, but there may be repercussions. doctors are in a position of trust, and you're not going to gain a lot of business if your clients find out that you're smoking crack in your spare time. sure, you get free crack for a couple of weeks, but then you're just going to lose your job and go to jail.
  • if you're drinking beer, don't drink natty ice. if you put a picture of yourself on your cell phone wallpaper, don't hold up a big chunk of weed in the picture. if you're carrying crack, don't tell the cops you're not carrying anything illegal, but then consent to a search. if you're carrying crack in a cigar tube, don't tell the policeman who is searching you that all you're carrying is a cigar tube. at least this walking Don't Be This Guy got two things right: he's stupid, and his grandma definitely won't be pleased.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or corner me at the happiest place on earth.

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