Tuesday, May 26, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: May 26, 2009

memorial day weekend is finally over. if you're like me, you celebrated the holiday with lots of tasty beer and meat. however, if you're like the target audience of this little feature, you probably paired your memorial day goodies with a fine crack rock. however, the weekend is over, and it's important to remember how to stay out of trouble. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i understand. the economy stinks, and it's kind of hard to get a job. this makes it difficult if you're a crack smoker, since crack isn't particularly cheap. this also makes it difficult if you have children, since child care, food, and diapers are also rather expensive. my suggestion, if you are a crack smoker who has had the poor foresight to breed, is to set aside the crack until all of your children are eighteen. you need the money, the consciousness, and the energy to keep your kids well-cared-for...it takes a lot. what i don't suggest is that you take your kids in the car with you while you turn tricks for crack money. yes, i understand that you want your crack, and i understand your kids are going to need to learn a trade one of these days. however, it's not a particularly bright idea to combine the two, and it only means you're going to get in bigger trouble when you get caught. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this tip!]
  • don't trust crack dealers. just...don't. sometimes they're going to sell you fake crack. sometimes they won't even make a pretense of it...and just snatch your money, shove you down to the ground, and drive off. that just hurts...you're $100 poorer, with no crack to show for it and no meaningful legal recourse.
  • if you're going to smoke crack in someone else's house, make sure that they're okay with you smoking crack there. make sure they're not going to let Officer Friendly into the house to search it while you've got some crack in your hand...otherwise, it's better to smoke your crack at your own residence, or at the residence of someone you can trust not to let the cops in. furthermore, if Officer Friendly sees that crack in your hand, you're sunk. just let it go. don't drop it on the floor and start stepping on it. unless you've invented magic anti-cocaine shoes1, stepping on crack doesn't magically turn it back from highly illegal crack to perfectly legal baking soda.
  • if the local constabulary has done their job when they arrest you, they have already informed you that you have a right to remain silent. silent does not mean talking about your stash in the back of the squad car. silent does not mean discussing your plans to lie and say you didn't know what was in the car. silent does not mean discussing how you need a flat-blade screwdriver to get to the crack and crack pipes hidden under the passenger seat of your recently-impounded car. police often have these things called "cameras" in the car, and these new-fangled devices are equipped to capture both video and sound. anything you say can and will be used against you, and you just managed to bust yourselves for crack possession.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or send it via a test of the emergency broadcasting system.

1 if you have invented those shoes, please let me know! that would definitely be some News Crack Smokers Can Use!

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