Monday, May 18, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: May 18, 2009

i failed at life last week, and was so tired from scavhunt and other non crack-related shenanigans that i did not provide the crack smokers of the world with any News. for that, i am sorry. however, i am back, and i have a few new suggestions for how to stay out of trouble. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • colour televisions with remote controls are all the rage. they're new, they're hip, and everybody wants them. so, it's no surprise if someone is willing to trade you something valuable for your paragon of cutting-edge technology. however...if you plan to profit from your ownership of such a fantastic contraption, i suggest that you trade it for money, or for some other contraption that does not run afoul of the law. please refrain from trading that television for crack. any crack smoker worth his salt should know by now that if a crack dealer wanted a new-fangled colour television, he would either steal it (if he were extra-sneaky or extra-stupid) or purchase it with all of that money that he is making from his crack dealing operation. giving anything more traceable than cash money to a crack dealer is only asking for trouble.
  • speaking of the hottest new trends, the year is now 1995, and some people have discovered that baggy pants are cool. however, if you're carrying crack in your baggy jeans, wearing a belt may be a good idea. otherwise, if the police see you leaving a crackhouse and take a little interest in you, your pants may fall down when you raise your arms during the search. not only might it be a little embarrassing for the cops to see your drawers, but that crack you just bought in the crackhouse may fall out of your pockets for all the world to see. take it from me: this is a stiff price to pay for the privilege of being on board with the hottest decade-and-a-half-year-old fashion trend.
  • part of being a crack dealer is actually selling the crack that you have offered up for sale. in fact, that is the very thing that makes you a crack dealer. you are providing a valuable service to the crack-smoking public, and you're doing the world no good if you run away as soon as your customer has shown up to the door. it's irrelevant whether you get bad vibes from your new client or not--you have nothing to lose by going through with the deal. if you think your customer is a member of your local constabulary, and you're right, he already knows your location and your cracktastic vocation, and will haul you off to jail whether you sell the crack to him or run away. if you are wrong, and the customer is just a run-of-the-mill crack smoker, the crack smoker will either bust a cap in your ass, tell his crack smoking friends that you don't actually sell crack [thus eviscerating your business's reputation], or both. you have nothing to lose by selling the crack--and everything to lose by running away.
  • frequent readers of the News should know that it's usually a futile endeavour to run from the cops after they have caught you with crack. unless you're extremely sneaky and a champion runner, you're probably going to get caught. however, if you eschew most common sense and decide to run from Officer Friendly, at least try to run along a route with relatively few obstructions, or with obstructions that you know well but may slow down the police just a bit. whatever you do, try to avoid getting clotheslined by an honest-to-God clothesline. if you do that, you're not only going to get arrested, but you're going to look like a charter member of the Keystone Krack-smokers.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or print it on a sign and wave it near the corner of addison and southport later this afternoon.

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