Monday, April 06, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: April 6, 2009

we have not yet reached the day when we have a widely available technology to make crack completely unpalatable to crack smokers. since we have not yet reached this pinnacle of science, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • if you learn one thing from the News Crack Smokers Can Use, it's that anything crack-related must be done sneakily. smoke crack in the comfort of your own home. sell crack far away from busy areas populated by people who don't smoke crack. and, if you don't remember anything else, please remember that it's a bad idea to stand on a busy street in Brooklyn and scream into your cell phone about how you shot a rival crack dealer. the local constabulary won't just laugh and submit it to Overheard In New York. they'll arrest you, and your crack dealing career will grind to a screeching halt.
  • on that same note, it's also a pretty bad idea to make a youtube video in which you rap about your crack dealing exploits. people might see it. in fact, it's also bad to be in cahoots with a crack dealer who is rapping about his exploits on youtube. he'll drag you all down with him...it's not a good situation. crack dealing should be a sole proprietorship. if you can't adhere to that rule, at least put your colleagues through a strict vetting process and make sure that they are just as committed to secrecy and sneakiness as you are. otherwise, things like this will happen, and it's just not worth it.
  • i can't blame you for cooking crack. someone's got to do it, and cooking crack gives you the pleasure of making something yourself. however, make sure to clean up after yourself...that means if your pans of crack boil over, you may want to scrub all the crack off of your cooktop. otherwise, not only will Officer Friendly be hauling you off to the police station, but he'll also be hauling your oven there. that can't do much to enhance your reputation with local crack smokers.
  • sure, technically you're right in saying that you're coming back from the drug store when you're coming back from buying some crack. crack is a drug, and i guess any location where you buy things is a store of sorts. however, this excuse is not likely to keep you out of trouble when the police see you walking out of a known crackhouse. it's especially likely to fail if you consent to a search, but then hold your hat on your head and tell the cops that they can't search your hat. clearly, that means your hat contains crack instead of a brain.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or hang a poster with your tip outside my window.

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