Monday, April 27, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: April 27, 2009

the first heat waves of summer are descending upon us. that's the funny thing about's not seasonal. as much as crack smokers love to stay warm in the winter by smoking crack, the crack also helps keep them cool [or, at least, high...] in the summer. knowing this, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • hiding your crack in a coffee cup is not very clever. crack rocks are hard, and they're going to make a clinking noise when you walk around with the coffee cup. the local constabulary will probably hear the clink-clink-clink and get the feeling that those probably aren't sugar cubes in there. the local constabulary will definitely get that feeling if you shoplift while you're carrying the crack rocks in your coffee cup. a free pair of socks is seriously not worth forfeiting your crack rocks.
  • i'm with you there...being alone can suck sometimes. it's really easy to get in an antisocial rut, and you have to think of something interesting and creative to shake up your social life and meet more people. you can always join a club or a sports team if you need something platonic, or try a speed dating night or a pickup bar if you're into something a little friskier. however, since this is News Crack Smokers Can Use, i hope you can see where this is going. specifically, if you're carrying crack around and you tell Officer Friendly that you're using it to get companionship, he's not going to feel sorry for you, hug you, and let you go home. he will take your crack away, and you'll be in jail, lonelier than ever. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this tip!]
  • gift cards are a fantastic invention: they're a lot easier to carry around than paper gift certificates, and they provide the ability to give someone a gift tailored to an interest of theirs, while still giving the recipient flexibility in what exactly they buy at their favourite store. however, they haven't quite made their way to the crack industry yet. your friendly neighbourhood crack dealer is probably not yet issuing his own gift cards...and, for good reason, since it would be expensive to start issuing them, a lot of hassle to keep the Crack Rewards Gift Card Program going, and detrimental to the business if the police found any of these gift cards lying around and traced them back. these same traceability problems that make crack-specific gift cards a bad currency for crack dealing also make them a suboptimal barter material. please, crack smokers...don't steal someone else's credit card number, buy gift cards with it, and use these gift cards to buy crack. stick to buying that crack in cash...even if you paid the exorbitant fees for cash advances on that stolen credit card, they don't write down the serial numbers, so it's just a bit safer.
  • finally, i have a happy [and--gasp--non-sarcastic!] story about one of our dear readers. he wrote to let me know that he was pulled over, cuffed, searched, and accused of buying crack. however, thanks to the common-sense advice he has received from being a regular reader of News Crack Smokers Can Use, he knew that it was a bad idea to be driving around town and carrying crack. he took that advice to heart, and did not have any crack on him that fateful day. so, this story has a happy ending: since our loyal reader knew not to stash any crack in his car or on his person when he was out on the town, he could go on his merry way, and he is at home and [hopefully] reading yet another installment of the News! ♥
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or corner me at the happiest place on earth.

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