Wednesday, April 22, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: April 22, 2009

never fear...i have not forsaken you, my dear crack smokers. between certain non-cracky entertainments of the weekend and the ensuing con plague, i have been delayed. however, i have not been stopped altogther...and, again, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • being a gang intervention specialist means you have to have some credibility with the local crack dealers. you need to know them, not play down to them, and be someone they can feel comfortable turning to when they decide to stop selling crack and start living life on the right side of the law. however, it undermines your credibility as a gang intervention specialist if you spend your spare time selling crack. sure, you're technically intervening with gangs by either cooperating with them or providing their drug peddling operations with a little competition; either way, something tells me that's not what the boys and girls club had in mind when they hired you.
  • wal-mart is not the flea market. you can't just go to wal-mart, bring your wares, and expect to be able to sell them without being ejected from the premises for trespassing. this applies in the case of perfectly legal things to sell. this also applies in the case of crack. then again, if you're silly enough to think you can sell your drugs at wal-mart, you are also very likely to be careless enough to draw the attention of the local constabulary on the way over. the moral of the story? home is where the heart is, and it's also where your crack should be.
  • if you're a crack smoker, the first thing you should invest in is a crackpipe. the crackpipe is the one necessary accoutrement for any crack smoker...it's the thing in which you can smoke your crack. it's cheap, it's easy, and it's safer than other alternatives. if you're really that averse to getting a crackpipe, get your hands on some spark plugs; they're supposed to be useful for the purpose. however, if you don't want to burn things down and get caught, please refrain from smoking crack out of a plastic bottle full of rubbing alcohol. you're just asking for trouble, doing that.
  • picking up hitchhikers is generally a bad idea in this day and age. sure, the person you pick up could be perfectly legit, but he could also be armed and dangerous. picking up hitchhikers is especially a bad idea when you are a crack smoker who is already on probation, and not allowed to be more than 100 feet away from your home. if you had already broken that rule earlier in the day, and Officer Friendly was nice enough to let you off, you should cut your losses. you shold not get in your car, drive more than 100 feet away from home, give a ride to a guy who pays for it in crack, and expect not to get sent to the slammer. that's pressing your luck way too far.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or print it on your shirt and walk around wrigleyville until you run into a chick with blue hair and an eyebrow piercing.

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