Tuesday, April 14, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: April 13, 2009

everyone says we can depend on two things: death and taxes. News Crack Smokers Can Use is here to tell you that there is a third thing we can all depend on: the silly exploits of the crack-consuming population. as proof ofthis, i have again scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i can understand inviting your dealer over to your house to smoke a little crack: your dealer is the one who keeps your crack supply well stocked, and sometimes it's nice to share the pleasure with such a benevolent soul. however, letting your dealer come over to smoke a little crack with you won't necessarily be enough to settle the debt if you haven't been paying your crack dealer. seriously, that's even stupider than inviting the repo man over for a beer when you're five months behind on car payments. at least there are a few legal constraints to what a repo man can and can't take. since the crack trade operates completely under the law, there's nothing stopping your dealer from taking your television to pay off your crack debt. the local constabulary is not going to be likely to try and recover your television when they realise that they could instead just bust you for being a crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Rob for this article!]
  • it's a good idea to be an otherwise conscientious citizen if you're a crack smoker. if you make sure that you're otherwise out of trouble, the police will be less likely to be on your tail and notice that you smoke crack in your spare time. that means, if you owe a small-potatoes fine, it's a good idea to pay it. however, leave the crack and the crackpipes at home when you go to the police station and pay it. if you can't bear to be away from your crack for that long, though, at least remember to take your crackpipe off the dashboard when you're parking at the police station. call it...common sense for crack smokers.
  • we've talked quite a bit about making sure to avoid a silly street name, in order to avoid getting mocked when you get caught and your moniker appears in the paper. however, just as important is making sure that you can live up to your nickname if it implies that you are somehow desirable or competent. specifically, if you're known as "Magic" on the street, it may be a good idea to avoid selling $3,000 worth of crack to Officer Friendly. it also may be a good idea to make sure that your co-conspirator is not found with a few hundred dollars inside his derriere, since people may wonder what kind of spell you cast to put it there.
  • what ever happened to old-school craftsmanship? say what you will about the guy from last week who had so much crack residue on his stove that it got confiscated...at least he didn't try to take short-cuts, and lovingly cooked his crack over a real stove. some crack makers just don't care anymore. seriously? cooking crack in a microwave? how are you going to keep the crack over the heat while you press out the bubbles? how are you going to make sure the crack cooks evenly, so each hit is as cracktastic as the last? all i know is, if you're going to cook your crack in the microwave, make sure you don't get caught, or else you're going to be the laughingstock of every hoity toity cocaine chef in the neighbourhood. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to Taryn for this article!]
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or wave a sign from the crowd at the next white sox game.

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