Monday, March 30, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 30, 2009

monday morning has rolled around again. the students and the working stiffs are shaking off the cobwebs and becoming busy bees again. the crack smokers are still smoking crack, like they do on every day that ends in y. again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • you're a crack smoker. congratulations. i hope you enjoy your crack, and i hope you can find some friends with whom you can share your crack smoking joy, and whom you trust enough to not steal your stash or turn you in to the cops. finding such people is a tall order, but maybe you can succeed in finding them. until then, keep your crack to yourself. specifically, as a crack smoker, you do not have the right to blow your crack smoke into someone else's lungs while they are sleeping. just because you love your crack does not mean that they love your crack. even if they were a crack smoker, this does not mean that they love your secondhand crack smoke mixed with your germs. that's just gross. if you want to share the gift of crack, i suggest doing it the normal way: by letting them take a hit off your crackpipe. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this bit of News!]
  • i've generally stopped posting articles about eating crack: crack smokers and crack dealers alike all seem to think it's a great way to get rid of crack, despite the plethora of News features to the contrary. however, every week i see more articles about crack smokers and crack dealers who eat crack in order to try to get rid of it. seriously, guys...if you are desperate enough to evade the cops that you are eating your crack, you are already screwed. this screweditude holdes especially true if the police are already talking to you. if you're being questioned, give it up. don't say anything...but don't tempt them any further by taking out your crack and eating it while Officer Friendly is questioning you. cut your losses.
  • speaking of bad things to do when the police are breathing down your necks...if the police are about to enter your crack house, find a very, very quiet way to hide your crack. it will probably be discovered during the search, but there's no harm in trying. however, despite the fact that flushing drugs down the toilet has become canonical, it's an extremely bad idea--and you should never, never, never try it. think about it: toilet flush noises are loud. police officers have ears. if police are coming to bust you for drugs, and they hear a loud noise which they associate with a last-ditch effort to get rid of drugs, they'll know where to look first. since most newer toilets are wimpy, and since toilet pipes are not made to accommodate crack rocks, you're just admitting defeat.
  • the secret to being a successful crack smoker is to operate under the radar. to ensure a long and happy crack smoking career, you should draw as little attention to yourself as possible. don't tell your local constabulary that you're going to "fuck them up" if you're carrying crack rocks. don't tell the cops you're going to the movies when you're dealing crack in a town without a movie theatre. don't pass out drunk in your car in the courthouse parking lot if your car's ashtray is full of crack. don't blast loud music from your crack house. in short...if you try to annoy or confuse as few people as possible, you'll increase your likelihood of smoking your crack in peace.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or bake me a cake with the story painted on it in brightly coloured icing.

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