Monday, March 23, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 23, 2009

another week has passed. a + b still equals b + a, each angle of an equilateral triangle still measures sixty degrees, and crack smokers are still smoking lots of crack. so, again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • when you hear Jesus and crack in the same sentence, it's usually in the context of people finding religion and letting it be a force to turn them away from crack. one usher at the Miracle Outreach and Deliverance Church didn't quite understand this. instead, he got the idea that the church was the perfect place to perform the miraculous deliverance of crack to the faithful local crack smokers. he hid his crack in the church, and hid the money in a bible. of course, Taryn has it exactly right: even if you give it all to Jesus, it's still a crime. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
  • it's good to confine your crack smoking to the inside of your home. as long as you pull the blinds, it's very unlikely that anyone will see you smoke the crack. you can enjoy your favourite pastime in peace, let your crackpipe cool on the table or the counter, and then go along with your day. however, letting your crackpipe cool is an essential part of any good after-crack-smoking ritual. what you don't do is put your still-hot crackpipe in the pocket of your flannel shirt, and place the crackpipe-laden shirt in a closet full of paper goods. this will probably cause a fire, and it's not very nice to set your whole apartment building on fire and force an evacuation at two thirty in the morning because you didn't just let your crackpipe cool off. basic etiquette, crack smokers...basic etiquette. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
  • getting busted for possession of crack means you're not very good at hiding your crack. getting busted for possession of crack twice within six years means you're both bad at hiding your crack and bad at realising that you are bad at hiding your crack. if you are an attorney who has been busted for crack possession twice within six years, it means you should wave the white flag with respect to both your law talking and your crack smoking. it also means that you have joined the elite ranks of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.
  • if you are going to run around town acting like a dog, growling, eating dog food, and eating mud, that's your business. sure, it's probably going to lead to problems if such behaviour resulted from a bad drug trip, but there are ways to minimize the damage. specifically: take your crack out of your pocket before you get extremely high on hallucinogens. if you can't shoulder this responsibility on your own, have a friend help you. why is this important? because, if you're running around acting like a dog, the local constabulary won't be all that confused. in fact, they'll know for a fact that you're on something, and take away all of that crack in your pocket. you won't be able to go back home and smoke it when you're feeling a little more human...and that's no fun, is it? [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn and Sabrebutt for tipping me off to this one!]
  • speaking of dog food, a bag of dog food isn't a terrible place to hide your crack. dog food is common, it's wholesome, it's perfectly legal, and it's pretty easy to hide a baggie with a few grams of crack in twenty pounds of kibbles and bits. such a ruse gains extra credibility when you've actually got a dog in the car with you, as well as the dog food. however, you're doing it wrong if Officer Friendly actually sees your plastic baggie of crack amidst the dog food. that either means the bag was ripped, the bag was poorly reclosed after you put the crack in there, or you tried to hide the crack in a clear bag of dog food. either way, you took a perfectly promising way of hiding your crack, and managed to screw it up. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this article!]
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or write it in huge letters, with brightly coloured sidewalk chalk, along the streets by my office.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

I think you should turn this weekly news segment into a weekly podcast. You might get syndicated by NPR or something.

nicolle said...

hmmmm...a podcast?

*schemes*