Monday, March 02, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 2, 2009

it's march, and everyone's ready for spring. no dice: it's still snowing. most people take shelter at home, hide under a cozy blanket, and watch tv. however, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes to find the stories of certain silly souls who have instead taken refuge in their local crackhouse and fended off the cold by firing up some crack rocks. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • how many times do i have to tell you crack dealers that you should be careful about your street name? if your street name is something really idiotic, and you get arrested, then everyone in town [and on the internet] is going to know it, and they will laugh at you! that being said, the only excuse for having a street name like butterhead is if you are such a Beavis and Butt-Head fan that you knew off the top of your head that Dr. Leibowitz called Butt-Head "Butterhead" in "Impotence," the episode where they go and get a doctor to address their problem of not scoring. then again, if you're really that much of a beavis and butt-head fan, you should be smart and well-versed enough to call yourself buffcoat instead.
  • over the last few years, there has been a resurgence of interest in old-school bartering. instead of the impersonality of giving and receiving money for goods and services, people are starting to cut out the middleman and just trade what they have for what they want. this is often advantageous for both parties. however, you should remember that most successful barters involve trading a legal good or service for another legal good or service. for example, trading a bottle of mad dog 20/20 for a box of baking soda would be a perfectly good barter. trading crack for murder-for-hire service, on the other hand, might bring your crack smoking career to an unwelcome halt: especially when your chosen hitman is actually a member of the fbi. [a big persecuted crack smoker thank you to proto_zombie for this one!]
  • smoking crack is illegal. therefore, if you are a crack smoker, it would make sense to minimize the possibility of getting busted by trying to obtain your crack money by legal means. this means that robbing a restaurant at knifepoint for crack money is not a good idea. if it's too late, and you do obtain your crack money for armed robbery, it would at least make sense to get out of town for a while and make it slightly more difficult for the local constabulary to find you. in other words: you're doing something wrong if you hold up a restaurant for crack money and then go straight back to your home right around the corner from the restaurant to smoke crack.
  • if you are driving, and you suddenly get the urge to smoke some crack, you'll be well-advised to wait to smoke your crack until you get home. if you can't wait that long, at least have the sense to pull your car into a somewhat hidden area, put your car into park, smoke your crack, and wait for the high to subside before you go on your merry way. at all costs, you should avoid smoking crack while you are still driving. the cops will probably catch you...but only if the tree on the opposite side of the road does not put an end to your drive first.
  • i get it: if you grew up listening to Motley Crue [or Brownsville Station, for that matter...], you probably think smokin' in the boys' room is really cool. however, they were singing about cigarettes--not crack. crack has a strong smell, so going to the local convenience store and smoking crack in the bathroom means that you are just begging to get arrested, especially if Officer Friendly is in line to use the toilet after you. if you're that intent on misinterpreting Motley Crue and smoking crack in the boys' room, do that in the privacy of your own home.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or fly an airplane with your tip on a banner behind it through chicago.

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