Sunday, March 15, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 16, 2009

spring is coming. the weather is getting warmer, and more people are coming outside. some people celebrate by taking a walk in a park. some people celebrate by getting together a rousing game of baseball. some people celebrate by wearing one less layer of clothing when they stroll out to the local alley to buy or sell some crack. so, again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • certain dishwashing liquids bill themselves as "tough on grease, soft on hands." crack, on the other hand, is not soft on hands. you can get some telltale blisters on your hands from firing up that crackpipe on a regular basis. why does this matter? because, if you're driving your bike on the wrong side of the road with no brakes and no headlights, and a member of your local constabulary notices that you have crack hands, they may put two and two together. moral of the story? environmentally friendly crack smokers who ride bikes instead of cars should invest in a pair of gloves, and possibly make an effort to refrain from biking while high on crack.
  • you probably saw the same seat-belt public service announcements that we all saw back in the day: "click it or ticket." now that you're older, though, the stakes are a little higher. what am i trying to get at? if you've just been released from jail on a drug charge, and you have the audacity to be carrying some crack...click it, or get busted on another set of crack charges. that may be somewhat less catchy than the old slogan, but if you remember that, you're more likely to get home and get back to your crack smoking before the police pull you over.
  • if the police have caught you, and you're running away, don't think that you're being clever if you toss your "pack of cigarettes" and hide in an alley. cigarettes are addictive, and the police won't take it at face value that you're tossing away some perfectly legal cigarettes in order to make yourself slightly lighter and more aerodynamic as you flee. if there are twenty-two individually wrapped crack rocks in that pack, the police will find them, shake their heads, make their way to crack dealer alley, and arrest you for being a crack dealer.
  • take it from me: stay home when you are high on crack. it does you no good to draw attention to yourself by walking around town while under the influence. however, if you seriously feel the need to go out while you are high, leave all of your drugs behind. finally, if Officer Friendly apprehends you while you're high on crack and carrying a stash of weed, think of something slightly less silly to say to him than, "i did nothing wrong. all i did was smoke a little crack."
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or engrave your message on the back of a regal slice of bread.

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