Tuesday, March 10, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: March 10, 2009

i apologise for being remiss in my duties as a news provider. i am not dead, and crack smokers have not stopped smoking crack. [if you must know, i was inhaling noxious fumes of a non-crack sort: specifically, solder fumes, in the process of building an extremely shiny theremin.] despite my life away from crack, i have not abandoned my responsibility to provide useful information to the crack smoking public. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i know the TSA constantly warns travellers about not bringing knives, guns, and bottles of liquid through security at the airport. rants about security theatre aside, the reason they have these reminders is because these items are perfectly legal to have with you in most places other than airplanes. the reason they don't post signs about not bringing crack on planes is because you're not supposed to have crack anywhere. but, if i have to spell it out for you, i will: do not try to bring crack on an airplane. if the TSA person bothers to notice your crack rocks, they may also bother to give the local police a ring and have you arrested. and, before you ask...this advice holds true even if you have a silly name like Coolio. in this case, you are NOT the kind of G the little homies want to be like.
  • it is a bad idea for crack smokers to have kids. the cycle of smoking crack, riding the effects of crack, finding more money for crack, and arranging for a crack dealer to sell you some crack is pretty time-consuming. caring for a screaming, squirming baby is also quite time-consuming...in fact, it's a twenty-four-hour-a-day job. if you're interested in both crack and kids, you would be best served to choose one or the other. otherwise, you may end up with neither. just ask the woman who pilfered a purse from another woman in the maternity ward and tried to hock the phone and camera inside for crack money. of course, like most cases of crack smokers failing to prioritize correctly, it didn't end well. instead of being happy at home with her kid, or happy at home with her crack...she's sad in jail, away from both her kid and her crack. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to Rob for this one!]
  • people often call personal digital assistants "Crackberries." they call them such because they are extremely addictive. they do not call them Crackberries because it is a good idea to use them to organize your crack trafficking operation. in fact, it is a terrible idea. if the local constabulary gets wind of your little enterprise, they can and will use the information they find on that Crackberry against you in order to put you away for selling crack. i know computer technology is exciting, and enterprising crack dealers everywhere are trying to bring their operations into the 21st century...but, unless you are willing to learn all about metadata, computer memory, internet archiving, and data recovery, it's better to make your crack dealing operation a strictly analog enterprise.
  • if you're being sent to jail, they should let you have your medicine. however, they reserve the right to check your medicine, make sure that it is real medicine, and make sure that it is something your doctor has prescribed for you. in short, Corrections Officer Friendly is not going to let you bring your medicine bottle into jail with you if it contains a crackpipe and some crack rocks. this crack smoker gets points for creativity...but loses far more points for actually thinking that stuffing his crack in a bottle and calling it "medicine" was going to pass muster.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or start tossing paper airplanes with your message on it in my general direction.

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