Monday, February 23, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: February 23, 2009

based on what i have found while scouring the seedy depths of the interwebstubes...there are still people smoking and dealing crack. thus, the News is back. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i've never smoked crack. as far as i know, blocking a public street with your truck may sound like a good idea after smoking a rock or two. i don't know. either way, it is not actually a good idea, and the local constabulary might get a little annoyed. they will ask you to move your car, and then they will probably ask to search you to find out why you were stupid enough to block the street with your truck. if, during that search, some crack rocks fall out of your hat when you take it off, you're screwed. let it go. Officer Friendly is not going to believe you if you say the crack rocks are not yours. think about it for a second: is anyone else really going to want to smoke those crack rocks that have been sitting between your smelly, sweaty baseball cap and your smelly, sweaty head?
  • if you're a crack dealer, you need to make sure that your crack dealing nickname is something that sounds cool. newspapers these days are very frequently printing street names in addition to legal names when people are arrested. therefore, if your name is something that's really silly, and you get caught, everyone's going to know about it. this being said, i really want to know the story behind why a male crack dealer got the name "boobie." would anyone take a crack dealer with a name like that seriously? with a name like boobie, he must have been the butt of all the crackheads' jokes. maybe in prison he'll learn a lesson or two about choosing a more bad-ass nickname, in case he is still itching for some crack dealing adventures when he gets back on the outside.
  • if you dropped your crack-laden coat into a garden while you were running from the police, it's a reasonable expectation that the police picked up the coat. just let it slide. do your best to get out of town or at least stay under the radar until the police forget about you and your jacket. that way, you can smoke your crack in peace. whatever you do, try not to send a ton of text messages to the phone you left in your coat, demanding your crack back and threatening to burn down the house where you left your coat. that's just asking to be busted. furthermore, if you are arrested for crack dealing and sending threatening text messages and then let out on bail, you should probably behave. you should stay away from crack, or at least confine your crack involvement to the private walls of your own home. whatever you do, do not sell crack at a private bus stop. that's a sure way to get slapped with a few more crack dealing charges, and be sent away to prison (and away from your beloved crack) for a very long time.
  • there is no such thing as free crack. if you hear from your local community of crackheads that someone is giving out free crack, let it go. it's a trap. at best, they are going to charge you for crack. at worst, it's a cop, or a vengeful crack dealer with a gun. however, if you are taken in by a free crack scam, and your friend points out that you really can't complain about not getting free crack, let it slide. chalk it up as a lesson in getting what you pay for, and be glad that you are still free to smoke crack. don't go home, get a gun, and shoot the friend who tried to help make your expectations a little more realistic. that's one sure way to bring your crack smoking career to a grinding halt.
  • it's time for Basic Math For Crack Smokers. 1 man + 3 crack rocks + 4 crack pipes = not efficient. why in the world would one person need four crack pipes? you only had three crack rocks, and you only have one mouth. unless you do some kind of act in the Crack Smoker Circus where you smoke four crackpipes at once, you really only need one good crack pipe.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or spell out your tip with plastic cups along the highway.

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