Monday, February 02, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: February 2, 2009

every week, as i scour the seedy depths of the intertubes to bring you the week's stupidest crack smokers, i think i've seen it all. every week, i am proven wrong. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

  • remember when i warned you on monday, january 26 that hiding your crack in your butt-crack is a bad idea? clearly, one crack smoker in pennyslvania didn't log on and read the News last week, since he was arrested on thursday, january 29 with...a bag of crack between his buttocks. seriously, my dearest crack smokers. i don't call this News Crack Smokers Can Use because it's a catchy little rhyme. i call this News Crack Smokers Can Use because it points out news relevant to you crack smokers out there. i point out stupid mistakes that other crack smokers and crack dealers make, so you don't do the same thing and get busted. of course, the best lesson to take out of this is to stay away from crack, but if you can't stay away from that wonderful crack, reading the News will at least help you stay out of the ever-watchful eyes of law enforcement. as such, it makes me sad when i spend all this time trying to provide useful information, and you crack smokers keep repeating the same old mistakes.
  • speaking of paying attention to the news, it is a good idea for a crack smoker to read the local police blotter, and keep an ear out for any gossip among the other local crack smokers about which crack dealers have been hauled off to jail. it may seem like a lot of work now, but it's minuscule compared to the jail time that you might be serving after you call your dealer's phone number after he has been arrested, and show up at the crackhouse only to face Officer Friendly instead of your friendly crack peddler.
  • we all understand: whacking off is a lot of fun. everyone needs to do it every so often, even crack smokers. it's probably best to touch yourself in the privacy of your own home, or the privacy of someone else's home who either enjoys seeing you play with yourself or at least doesn't care that you're doing it under their roof. however, if you really need to get your jollies in your car, you need to make sure that you're doing your best to expose yourself to as few criminal charges as possible. it's inevitable that you're taking a risk of being busted for indecent exposure and lewd conduct, but don't open yourself up to get busted for anything else. specifically, leave your crack at home if you think you are going to be masturbating in your car.
  • actually, that last article contains a good tip, whether you are a crack smoker or not: some excuses are so half-baked that nobody will believe them. for example, the police will never believe that you were "just trying to get a little sun" if your pants were around your buttocks and your shirt is off your back and covering your private parts. for another example, if you are on trial for dealing crack, no one is going to believe that the police officer who is buying drugs from you in a drug sting is in your phone because he had seen you and your girlfriend kissing at the bar and wanted to contact you for a three-way. i'm sure plenty of police officers are into threesomes, but i doubt they would be looking for partners at the same bar where they were doing a undercover drug the same time they were doing the sting...and looking to hook up with the same people from whom they were buying crack in the sting. if this is the best excuse that you and your crack-addled brain can come up with, you are probably best advised not to take the stand in your own defense. it will only lead to you being laughed out of the courtroom and into jail for a long sentence for crack dealing.
  • if you are a crack dealer, and you're a little down on your luck, you may have to cut corners sometimes. it's not a happy thing, but sometimes it's necessary. however, the normal way to cut corners is to put a little more baking soda than usual in your mixture when you're cooking the crack. sure, it still requires the capital outlay of buying some cocaine, but it means your crack will still get your buyers high, and you'll be able to stay in business. this is a far more feasible plan than, to choose a cost-cutting measure at random, trying to pass flour tortillas off as crack cookies. remember your clientele: you are selling crack to crack smokers. the one thing most crack smokers care about is crack. they know the difference between their beloved cocaine concoction and...a thing you'd use to make a taco. this will not get you repeat customers. this will not stop you from getting busted by the local constabulary. this will, however, win you a place on the hallowed roll call of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or plunk your message in a bottle into lake michigan.

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