Monday, February 16, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: February 16, 2009

it is monday. i have drank coffee, i have drank some more coffee, and now i am finally awake enough to scour the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to discover the stupidest things people did this week in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • i appreciate the fact that you're a clever crack smoker who will explain to anyone who will listen that you smoke crack out of a beer can when your friends come over. it's harder to smoke with than a real crackpipe, and means that your friends will smoke less of your crack when they visit. i can understand that--the economy sucks, and budget-minded crack smokers need to be careful with their supply. however, you can't be such a skinflint that you can delude yourself into thinking you'll ever get a refund if your crack turns out to be fake. i know they don't teach a lot of latin in crack smoking school, but if you smoke crack, there are two little latin words that you should know: caveat emptor. it means, let the buyer beware...your crack comes with no implied warranty of smokability, and if your crack dealer sells you fake crack, the best you can do is find a better crack dealer. now, if you're buying legal goods, you can call the authorities and get them to help enforce the consumer protection laws. you don't get to call the cops to complain about your fake crack. even if you are dim enough to do that, don't show the cops your beer-can crackpipe and your weed supply. you're taking a big enough risk giving the cops your "fake" crack...if it's not fake, you're in trouble. don't open yourself up to getting busted even worse by giving Officer Friendly a guided tour of your personal drug supply. they may not find the crack dealer who cheated you--but you paved a yellow brick road right to your contraband, and you'll be hauled off.
  • if the police have already noticed that you pulled a gun on them, you're sunk. fine, so you dropped the gun before you got out of the car. you're not off the hook, and the police are going to arrest you as soon as you get out of the car. it's too late to toss your bag of crack into a throng of onlookers and convince someone to grab it. sure, there's some possibility that someone in the crowd will be stupid enough to pick up a bag that you threw just before you're handcuffed, given that these people were stupid enough to be watching an armed scuffle between cops and crackheads. however, the police saw you throw it, they saw it land, and they will retrieve it. in fact, only someone with superhuman powers would be able to throw their crack so far that the cops won't be able to see it land. just because you are a delusional crack smoker does not mean that you are actually superhuman--your arm is not a cannon that can throw crack miles away.
  • how many times do i have to say that eating crack is a terrible, terrible idea? you should not eat it near or far. you should not eat it on a car. eating crack might make you puke, or open you to swift rebuke. there is a reason that this blog is called "the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker" and not "the last refuge of the persecuted crack eater." if my previous admonitions have not been enough, then this should be: eating crack can kill you. keep in mind that being dead brings your crack smoking career to an end. if you are hauled off by the local constabulary you may have to spend a few years in prison, but you can always go back to smoking crack when you are released. however, if you eat all of your crack to avoid going to jail, and you die of a crack overdose, you are never going to be able to smoke crack again. it's not worth the risk.
  • 42 may be the answer to life, the universe, and everything, but there is at least one thing to which #42 is not the answer: specifically, the question of good Seattle Metrobus routes for selling crack. seriously: you are a bus driver. you should be paying attention to traffic, greeting customers, and driving the bus. nowhere in your job description does it tell you that one of your assigned tasks is selling crack while you drive the bus. if your bus driving salary doesn't pay enough, you have several choices. you can get a new job, or you can lobby the government to pay bus drivers more. supplementing your income by crack dealing is generally not a good idea. however, if you really, really need to sell crack, do it in a slightly more shielded environment than the public bus.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or message me on what can only be described as internet crack.

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