Tuesday, February 10, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: February 10, 2009

thanks to certain non-crack-related entertainments, i was a little late in getting this week's News up. however, while i was busy hacking, lockpicking, and hanging out with Firefly and friends, crack smokers were busy smoking crack and doing colossally silly things as a result. i am a day late, but still i have scoured the depths of the interwebstubes to bring those things to light. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • hits on a crackpipe do not qualify as aromatherapy, no matter how many people love the sweet, burning-plastic smell of warm crack rocks in the evening. you should probably stick to selling legal aromatherapeutic implements like candles...but, please remember to call it "candles" and not "crack".
  • we have covered many, many times here on the News that eating crack is a terrible idea. if the police are approaching you, and you neglected to leave your crack at home like a smart crack smoker, it's probably sneakier to either drop your crack rock somewhere thickly hidden or hope you get off with a ticket or warning without getting searched. if the police have patted you down and confiscated your crack, the damage has been done. it is not going to help your case if you pluck your crack rock off the hood of the police cruiser and eat it. sure, you may get one last hit if you don't throw up before the crack kicks in, but you'll also be tossed into the metal clink--locked away from your precious crack--for longer than you would be had you not eaten the state's evidence.
  • if some guys with guns are watching you, it is probably a good idea to call 911. they're more likely to pick your stalkers up and carry them away than most other people you can call. however, you're best advised to refrain from doing illegal things until you are done dealing with the emergency services personnel. in this spirit, if you are a crack smoker who deals a little heroin in his spare time, it's better to wait to make that drug deal until after you're off the phone with 911. if you're really desperate to sell heroin while you're on the phone with 911, at least use the hold button on the phone. if all you do is cover the microphone, they can still hear you talking about heroin--and they'll still send the local constabulary to scoop you up. even though being behind bars solves the problem of the guys with guns who were watching you, it makes it a lot harder for you to go home and smoke that crack rock in your pocket.
  • there's no such thing as a good excuse for selling crack. however, if you are going to try, you should really come up with something better than noting that you sell crack, but not heroin. i'm glad you know that heroin is illegal. that's a step in the right direction. however, crack is no less illegal, and saying you sell crack but not heroin is kind of like saying that you robbed a bank, took the $100 bills, but left the $50 bills with the teller. you're still in big trouble.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or go rappelling down from the top of my office building and knock on my window.

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