Thursday, February 19, 2009

another letter to my faithful googlers

dear googlers,

you've outdone yourselves this week. i'm still getting plenty of you who ask if you can eat crack, and i believe that i have done the most thorough job of any site on the web of making the point that eating crack is a terrible idea. i can't fault you for being curious. i'm glad that you find this place when you make that popular search, and i hope you find the answer that you need: specifically, that crack is for smoking and not eating.

however, a few of your searches over the last day or two have succeeded in confounding the persecuted crack smoker. that takes skill:
  • "people will sell everything for crack": it's not too weird, i guess, but i'm a little confused about why you're googling it. crack is extremely addictive, and if a crack smoker doesn't have cash lying around, they often will sell things in order to get just a little more of that wonderful crack. in other words, googling "people will sell everything for crack" is like googling "the sun rises in the east" or "entropy increases." it is a basic truism of life.
  • most crack ever smoked: did you want to know the most crack ever smoked in what period--an hour? a day? a lifetime? either way, i have no idea. you'll have to take this one up with guinness...although something tells me that they won't be too excited about recognising any records for crack smoking. still, you can always ask. furthermore, i don't really care what the most crack ever smoked was. you can do really stupid stuff after smoking only a little bit of crack. the point of the News is not to tempt crack smokers with records like this...it's to warn people of the dumb things that people do when they're on crack, and give crack smokers a little bit of advice on what not to do.
  • shove crack up my ass to get high: in the ever-wise words of Rob: "ass crack: you're doing it wrong." i can only hope that this google search was not legitimate, and that it was the result of a bunch of people with a case of the sillies who were trying to out-do each other for the most ridiculous google search ever. however, somehow i doubt it--since this blog was not in the first six hundred results for that search. [finally, i got so sick of seeing nothing but bad porn site links that i stopped looking.] we've covered the fact plenty of times that hiding your crack between your butt-cheeks is a futile endeavour. however, the idea of putting crack in your ass to get high is the stupidest thing i have ever heard. first of all, the crack rock would poke at the senstive tissues in there, and that would hurt. second, i doubt it would be absorbed by your system to get you high before you had to go to the bathroom and get that foreign object out of your rectum...by which point your crack rocks will be smelly and icky and not very smokable. please, my dear crackheads, for the sake of good taste...keep your crack rocks out of your bungholes. you'll be much happier if you just smoke your crack to get high.
love,
the persecuted crack smoker

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