Tuesday, January 13, 2009


dear penis pill spammers:

i know that there are a million different penis pill spams that are clogging the interwebstubes right now. it's easy for yours to get lost in the shuffle, and you need to come up with a snappy subject headline to entice gullible folks to order penis enlargement pills from your email and not someone else's. i understand that. however, my dear spammers, take a look at these subject lines i harvested from my spam today, and please tell me whether any of them evoke an image of sexual pleasure:
  • My crotch area is too tight now
  • Let your zip feel tension
  • So massive it scared her
  • This will bring fire to her crotch
  • 9 inches of steel in her

lesson? not all attempts to imply masculine size and strength are sexy. i understand that stealing lines from pornographic stories may be a little too long-winded. however, if you're sick of the cookie-cutter "gain inches now" or "get a bigger pen15", you can at least draw a little attention to your emails by eschewing the painful for the amusingly weird:
  • Put your sword in her scabbard
  • This will beat diamonds any day
  • Your rocket will fly higher
  • Make your hose's radius great

please remember this for the next time that you try to sell me penis enlargement pills.

the persecuted crack smoker

p.s.: we'll leave alone for now the fact that i don't have a penis in the first place, and discuss that another day. if, between now and then, you are that desperate for me to have a penis, you can always buy me a packy as a present.

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