Thursday, January 22, 2009

an open letter to bank robbers

dear bank robbers,

one of the most important steps to planning a successful bank robbery is the getaway. after you rob a bank, you need to get away from that bank as quickly as possible. of course, you can't overdo that. your getaway driver, be it yourself or somebody else, has to drive the getaway car fast enough so that you're far from the premises by the time the police arrive, but not so recklessly that you get pulled over for a moving violation before you hide the loot. there's a fine line, and you need to be smart about it.

and, sure, your goal is to take your money and soon fade into the populace as if there is nothing specific about you, but that is not your first concern. your first concern is to get far enough away from the bank that your local constabulary will not be able to get your description from the bank, know where you went, and apprehend you just minutes after you leave the bank. this requires you to plan your getaway accordingly.

in short, leaving the scene of your bank robbery on a public bus is an extremely bad idea. not only do buses go rather slowly because they stop every block or so, but thanks to CTA's convenient Bus Tracker service, the police can easily figure out when your bus picked you up, where your bus is now, and when they can arrange for Officer Friendly to apprehend you.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

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