Monday, January 05, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 5, 2009

the world is still turning, the sun is still shining, and crack smokers are still smoking crack. so, yet again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

  • if you are a crackhead with a car, the day may come when you decide you want crack more than you want your car. that's perfectly understandable--cars cost a lot to maintain, and it's more fun to spend your money on crack than it is to spend it on gasoline, insurance, and auto repairs. however, if you want to get rid of your car, i suggest selling your car. there are many ways you can do this: go on craigslist, go to a used car dealer, post signs around the neighbourhood. resist the urge to trade your truck for a $20 crack rock. yes, i know you just want crack. but, selling your car through more legitimate means will provide you with a lot of money, with which you can buy a lot of $20 crack rocks. do you need me to explain how? well, money can be exchanged for goods and services--including crack. in fact, you may even end up with enough money after selling your car to buy yourself a shiny new crackpipe, and become the envy of your crack smoking friends. by instead sacrificing a valuable truck for one measly crack rock, you join george allen ward and frances platt as the third member of the club of colossally stupid crack smokers who are too dumb to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.
  • the economy stinks, and cold, hard cash is getting harder and harder to come by. legitimate businesspeople are responding to this by slashing prices, providing attractive financing terms, or hearkening back to the days of layaway in order to get people to spend money. in fact, the economy is so bad that creative financing has even spread to the crack industry. at least one crack dealer is accepting gift cards instead of cash in return for his wares. in a sense, this is pretty smart...gift cards are as good as cash at stores that sell food, clothes, electronics, and many other consumer goods necessary for maintaining the high standard of living enjoyed by the successful crack dealer. however, i'd really like to know if this crack dealer carried some sort of gift card scanner with him, or if he ever got scammed when some enterprising crack smoker gave him empty gift cards in return for the good stuff. it's a moot point for this particular crack dealer since he has been busted, but i've got a bit of friendly advice for anyone who is intent on accepting store-specific currency for crack--move to canada and sell your crack for canadian tire money instead. it's paper, so you know what you're getting...and, unlike gift cards, it's accepted at places other than canadian tire. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to sabrebutt for this bit of news!]
  • what could be more wholesome than a little white barn that sells candy and pop to the children in the neighbourhood? very little, really...unless the candy house is also the crack house. my dear crack smokers, you should know better than to sell crack out of an establishment popular with the children. the local constabulary takes the thought of Protecting The Children almost too seriously at times, and they are bound to investigate any complaint that the rock candy being sold is not exactly candy. however, if the police visit your little shop, you must remember something that has become somewhat of a mantra here in News Crack Smokers Can Use: hide your crack. sure, throwing it out the window when the police arrive is a risky maneuver because there are probably more police outside who may see it, but it's probably too late anyway because the cops are there. however, in a pinch, it may work if you have a window overlooking a dumpster, a thickly wooded area, or any other place where there's half a chance that your crack will get lost in the shuffle. however, when your building is surrounded by a vacant lot where vagrants come and go, you really need a Crack Hiding Plan B. sure, your mother can whine to the police that it could have been anyone's crack tossed out there, but think about it--if the area is full of drug users, wouldn't one of the local crack smokers have picked up the crack and smoked it by then? the cops will never believe that the crack was sitting out there for much longer than it took you to toss it.

that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or put up a smoke signal somewhere in the vicinity of the north side of Chicago.

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