Monday, January 26, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 26, 2009

i've peeled seven more pages off of my Wicked Sweet Crack Cookie Of The Day calendar, which makes it time again to delve through the depths of the interwebstubes to find the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • when the city attorney calls part of your gang's turf a "safety zone," that does not mean that it's safe to sell crack there. remember, the city attorney's job is to prosecute crack dealers like you, and his idea of a "safety zone" involves keeping local residents safe from your crack dealing. i know you don't see eye to eye on this, but you'll have a far more fruitful crack dealing career if you mark your map with the prosecutor's "safety zones," and then sell crack everywhere but there.
  • a few weeks ago, we covered the rather fundamental precept that even in this bad economy, it is a bad idea to trade your truck for a crack rock. if you have smoked so much crack that you can't figure this out yourself, i'll lay it out for you: this idea also applies to vans, cars, and any other kind of motor vehicles. if you let someone borrow your van in return for some crack, they probably will not return it. if you get lucky and ever do see your van again, it will probably be crashed beyond recognition, and the crack smoker more clever than you--who took your car in payment for a little rock--will be long gone.
  • if you are a lawyer, you should probably not be a crack smoker. not only is crack illegal, but being a lawyer requires analytical skills beyond the level of the vast majority of crack smokers. however, if you are blessed with such amazing analytical skills that you can be a lawyer and a crack smoker at the same time, surely you can figure out that you should not bring your crack to the courthouse. at the very least, if you can't stay away from your precious crack for that long, you should at least be able to figure out that it is a bad idea to bring both your crack and your coke to the courthouse, snort coke in a conference room before your hearing, and leave a trail of white powder. as a lawyer, you should know that not even Johnnie Cochrane would have been able to come up with an argument why you won't be sent to jail--and to the list of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this one!]
  • keep in mind: crack is called "crack" because it makes a crackling noise when you cook it. crack is not called "crack" because it is a good idea to hide crack rocks in your, ummmm, buttocks area. yes, we know, we have told you many times here at News Crack Smokers Can Use that you need to hide your crack, but that's just not a good place to do it. your crack will fall out of your crack when you try to evade the local constabulary.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or test out your anything but ethernet entry for notacon.

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