Monday, January 19, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 19, 2009

another week has passed, which means i have again scoured the depths of the interwebstubes. as usual, those seedy depths contain plenty of Don't Be This Guy stories involving crack smokers. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • if you are a crack smoker, i would normally give you kudos for not having crack in plain view in your car when the cops pull you over. however, this goes for other illegal substances, too: any benefit you give yourself by hiding your crack is going to be severely curtailed if your glove compartment is hanging wide open, and there's weed in your glove compartment. weed is also illegal. even so, the punishment for weed is generally not as bad as it is for crack. you can still salvage yourself. you can keep your crack hidden. if you weren't smart enough to keep your crack at home in the first place, you can at least refrain from telling a cop that "I just ate some crack. I'm really high."...and then throwing a bag of crack out of the car. Officer Friendly is probably not going to allow you to go home and smoke the rest of your crack in peace. then again...there's probably not much hope, in the first place, for a crackhead who doesn't know how to use crack in the first place. there's a reason i often refer to crackheads as crack smokers--you are supposed to smoke crack. you are not supposed to eat it. if you eat it, you are probably just going to throw it up, and that takes all the fun out of being a crackhead.
  • for most crack dealers, selling crack is enough. crack doesn't need a brand identity. word gets out among the local crack smokers that you're a crack dealer, and they come around to buy it. it's that simple. however, there are a lot of people peddling their wares on the south side of chicago, and one enterprising gangster decided that he'd get a bigger piece of the crack dealing pie by peddling his Karma Brand Crack. he should have thought a little harder in coming up with a name: a crack dealer's karma isn't usually very good, and this guy got his karmic reward of twenty-seven years behind bars.
  • it takes a certain level of motivation to graduate from crack smoker to crack maker. you have to take the initiative to make your own crack instead of just buying it from someone on the street, and you have to take the time to learn how to get the right proportions of cocaine, baking soda, and water to produce the most exquisitely smokable crack. however, leave your cocaine at home when you are going out to buy baking soda and measuring equipment. since you can't cook crack in your car on the way home from wal-mart, it's not worth the risk to bring it with you. if a member of your local constabulary pulls you over and see baking soda and measuring equipment in your car, they will think you are going home to make a cake, or maybe some tasty biscuits. if they see baking soda, measuring equipment, and cocaine in your car, they will know that you are going home to make some crack.
  • the tradition of flushing the drugs down the toilet when the cops arrive is older than crack itself. however, proper care and maintenance of your toilet will assure that you will be able to flush your crack as soon as the police arrive, without being delayed by any clogs. case in point: do not flush cell phones and cash down the toilet. a few crack rocks here and there are fine; they're not very big. but, putting anything else in there may lead to the cops seeing you with a hand down the toilet, trying to unclog it. they'll know something is up.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or send me a singing telegram.

1 comment:

Eric Allix Rogers said...

Wow, Karma brand crack - that's great!