Monday, January 12, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 12, 2009

until people all stop smoking crack, or human evolution has reached a point that the brain has become immune to the effects of crack cocaine, there will always be crack smokers doing foolish things. none of this has happened in the last week, so i yet again have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:


  • if you don't smoke crack, you should probably not lend your crack smoking friend your debit card. if your favourite crackhead needs something from the store, you'll save yourself a lot of headaches if you go to the store, buy the desired merchandise, and give the merchandise to the crack smoker. however, if you are a crack smoker, you will save yourself a friend as well as some serious legal repercussions if you only buy the items from the store that your friend has entrusted you to buy. you should not use the debit card to get $1400 cash back for prostitutes, booze, and crack.
  • imagine that you and your friend are running a little crack dealing business. the cops come into your apartment. they bust your friend and charge him with being a crack dealer. however, the cops simply question you and let you go. few crack dealers are ever this lucky, but if you one of the rare ones who the authorities decide not to pursue, i have a suggestion: stop dealing crack. you got lucky once, and there is no way you are ever going to get that lucky again. find an honest profession, lie low, and appreciate the fact that you're not behind bars. don't immediately go back to selling crack. you'll go from the luckiest crack dealer alive to one of the stupidest, in no time at all.
  • if your life's calling is selling crack, do it as quietly as possible to reduce the risk of police attention. if you think the police are onto you, your best course of action is to stop selling crack, at least for a while. live on your recent crack-selling income, or find something legitimate to do (at least until the police attention blows over). on the other hand, a sure way to bring your local constabulary to your doorstep is to call an investigator and tell him that you are stalking him, and that he cannot catch you. he'll probably catch you and bring your crack dealing career to an abrupt end.
  • we already know that it's a bad idea to be a crackhead if your name is Newby or Head. to this list, add the name Crooks. if you're that desperate to choose a profession for which your surname is an aptonym, Mr. or Ms. Crooks, i suggest you move to a rural area and become a shepherd. being a shepherd is perfectly legal, and you can boss sheep around all day and amass a collection of bad-ass shepherding sticks. this is a far better idea than selling crack and keeping a machine gun under your christmas tree.
  • smoking crack is an expensive hobby. i understand that. still, it is also an illegal one, and it draws less attention to yourself if you find a legal way to earn money to buy your crack. it will make it a lot easier to hide from the authorities if you have a legitimate job. however, i understand--the economy sucks, and it may be hard to find a job doing something on the up-and-up nowadays. however, if you are going to resort to prostitution as a way of making the money you need to buy crack, do not advertise on craigslist. sure, plenty of local customers troll craigslist for prostitutes--but so does your local constabulary. a cursory google search of news articles provides ninety reasons you do not want to advertise on craigslist--in the last month alone. still, if it's so hard to prostitute yourself by word-of-mouth or street-walking that you have to risk using the internet to peddle your services, do not bring your crack and crack smoking paraphernalia with you when you turn your tricks. if you're just busted for prostitution, there's a good shot they'll let you out on a very low bail, and you can go back home to smoke your crack in peace. if you're busted for crack possession, you're going to have to buy some new crack and a new crackpipe when you get out of jail, and that's just a hassle.
  • going to the grocery store is a good idea for crack smokers, especially in these economically trying times. every dollar you save by cooking your own food is a dollar more that you can spend on crack. however, even if you are smart about saving money on food, there is still at least one other thing you must remain smart about. that's right, we're back to the old News Crack Smokers Can Use mantra: hide your crack. don't bring your crack to the grocery store with you, because it might fall out of your pocket. get your food, take it home, and go back to your crack smoking. however, if you absolutely must bring crack to the grocery store with you, though, please pay for your groceries with cash. cash is anonymous, and will not leave a name to connect with the security camera footage showing the crack falling out of your pocket. if you use a credit card, it is too easy for the authorities to compare the credit card records to the security camera timestamp, send Officer Friendly to your address, and cut your crack smoking career tragically short.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or toss a paper airplane in my general direction.

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