Saturday, January 31, 2009

i'm going to the science store

foofy and i are heading out in about fifteen minutes to go meet up with a bunch of pumping station: one people and raid american science and surplus. i can't wait...i keep hearing how awesome this store is. i've looked at the website, and the store stocks a plethora of weird and wonderful items.

in fact, i bet they have allen wrenches, gerbil feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters, trash compactors, juice extractor, shower rods and water meters, walkie-talkies, copper wires, safety goggles, radial tires, bb pellets, rubber mallets, fans and dehumidifiers, picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle irons, window shutters, paint removers, window louvers, masking tape and plastic gutters, kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather stripping, jumper cables, hooks and tackle, grout and spackle, power foggers, spoons and ladles, pesticides for fumigation, high-performance lubrication, metal roofing, water proofing, multi-purpose insulation, air compressors, brass connectors, wrecking chisels, smoke detectors, tire gauges, hamster cages, thermostats and bug deflectors, trailer hitch demagnetizers, automatic circumcisers, tennis rackets, angle brackets, duracells and energizers, soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners, coffee makers, calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper shakers.

oh yeah. and old lab equipment.

Friday, January 30, 2009

please don't eat the crack.

my dearly beloved google users,

lately, i've been getting more hits than i can count for the terms can you eat crack. i have gotten at least three in the last day alone. the examples in News Crack Smokers Can Use must not be clear enough, so i'll address the issue in a bit more detail.

sure, you can eat crack, or at least try to. crack rocks aren't very big, so you can put them in your mouth. however, i can't testify to how easy crack would be to chew and swallow, or how good or bad it would taste to eat crack, since i've never tried to eat crack before.

[before you ask, the answer is no. i'll go to great lengths for you, my dear readers, but i won't eat crack for you. sorry.]

the more productive question, however, is whether you actually want to eat crack. there are a lot of things you can do. i can decide to stop typing this blog entry, open my living room window, and jump off the second floor of my building. however, that would be pretty stupid. i'd probably break my foot, and my roommates would get cold and have to shut the window. nothing good would come of it.

the same goes with eating crack. nothing good will come of it.

yes, you can eat crack. but, it's really potent when you eat it. it's too potent. one of two things is going to happen. you may be so repulsed by it that you throw it up. that would be no fun--you will have wasted perfectly good, smokable crack by eating it and then throwing it up before you actually got high off of it. in these tough economic times, you need to stretch your crack budget as far as it will go, and this contravenes that goal. that's not worth the risk. despite this, if you eat the crack anyway, you may get lucky. you may be such a crackhead that your body does not reject it. still, it will get you high. ridiculously high. so high that you'll have no idea what you are doing, and do something you'd never do while sober or even under the influence of smoked crack: like tell a cop how you just ate some crack and you're really high. doing something like that will make it pretty likely that you won't be eating, smoking, or otherwise ingesting any more crack for a very long time.

so, yes. you can eat crack. but, i advise against it.

the persecuted crack smoker

i won't cry wolf.

i probably listened to this song about ten times at work today:

it's "planets" by adema, and it's absolutely gorgeous. it's a lot softer than a lot of their other stuff, but i can't stop listening.

caving to the pressures of teh interwebstubes...

the twenty-five things meme has been going around facebook like wildfire, and i've been tagged several times. here goes nothing--twenty-five facts about me.

i won't tag anyone for it. if you want to share twenty-five things about yourself, go ahead. if not, then don't. :)
  1. i identify as female, but i absolutely love when i am mistaken for a man. thanks to my buzzcut and my jeans-and-a-t-shirt wardrobe, this happens regularly.
  2. i ended up on crutches once as a result of doing the hokey pokey. i was eleven years old. i was doing it on rollerskates, and when clapping for the "that's what it's all about", i wanted to lift my leg and clap under it on the second-to-last clap in the phrase. i lost my balance, fell wrong, sprained my ankle, and ended up on crutches.
  3. i love reading advice columns, and i really, really miss writing my own: the end of my second year of law school and all through my third year, i wrote the romance and dating advice column in the Wash U student newspaper.
  4. no song sums up my life experience and outlook quite as well as "the way you like it" by adema. that fact was true back in 2001 when it came out, and it's just as true today.
  5. i sat alone at lunch every day in ninth grade.
  6. i had to give up my blue hair back in september, when i started my job, and i haven't quite felt like myself since. it has been almost five months, and i still get confused when i look in the mirror and see less weirdly coloured hair.
  7. i have only been out of north america once: back in 2000 when i went to paris for a week. however, i plan to leave the continent twice in 2009: once for hacking at random [in the netherlands] in august, and again for chaos communication congress [in germany] in december.
  8. i don't know german, so these trips should be interesting. i'll try to learn as much as i can between now and then, but i'll still be flying almost blind.
  9. i have two tattoos. i've got a chicago flag on the back of my left shoulder, which i got in the spring of 2007. i've also got the characters <3 in courier font, outlined in black and filled in with the colours of the bi pride flag, on my left side at about waist level. i just got that one done about a month and a half ago.
  10. i have way too much confidence in my singing abilities, and way too little confidence in my abilities at anything else.
  11. the obvious entertains me greatly. i find very few things funnier than people earnestly restating the obvious. my deep and abiding love of the obvious, more than anything else, inspires me when i write News Crack Smokers Can Use--because really, what is more obvious than the stupidity of what crack smokers do to make the news?
  12. i had a sickeningly squeaky and fangirly website about the verve pipe and matchbox20 when i was a teenager. no, it's not still on the internet. yes, there are vestiges of it hanging around on no, i'm not posting the link to those vestiges.
  13. this is my favourite prank call of all time.
  14. i'm uncomfortable being in a position of authority over anyone. i'm fine being at the bottom rung of a hierarchy, but any higher and i get very nervous.
  15. i still like potty humour far more than i should. in that respect, i'm a 13-year-old boy trapped in a 26-year-old chick's body.
  16. r.j. fletcher was right--i'd much rather be called a chick than a broad.
  17. despite being american, i like using british-style spellings like colour, flavour, and neighbour.
  18. when i was a kid, i wanted to be the president. the older i got, the more i realised that my views made me completely unelectable, and that i was not willing to change my views or lie about them in order to get votes. i realised that i would not be running for any political office, much less president.
  19. i take karaoke far too seriously. i only sing silly things when i'm sick or otherwise in bad voice. when i'm in decent-to-good voice, i only sing things that i feel that i perform well. luckily, this is a pretty wide range of stuff, but it blocks out a lot of the rock music that i love to listen to...since my voice is not well suited to rock music.
  20. i will kick your ass at scrabble and trivial pursuit.
  21. you will kick my ass at civilization and settlers of catan.
  22. i like books with stories and characters i can relate to...and the older i get, the more i realise that my life is a chapter out of a douglas coupland novel.
  23. i love prank calling strangers for entertainment purposes. however, i hate calling strangers for business purposes. i feel pushy, like i'm imposing on them.
  24. i quote beavis and butt-head way too often for my own good, and find the word "dillhole" extremely fun to say.
  25. the first interesting and useful computer program i ever wrote was a college basketball game predictor that i wrote in eighth grade. it was far better at picking the ncaa tournament than almost any real person i knew. i wish i still had a copy of this program, but i don't.

so, that's it. now you know a few more random things about me than you used to. don't you feel edified?

what bull.

i love stupid exam essay humour. today, snopes discussed some of it, and posted a few quotes from a stupid exam essay book from 1946. there is a lot of funny stuff in there, but one of them is just above and beyond hilarious. i think i found my new favourite stupid exam essay quote:

"Martin Luther died a horrible death. He was excommunicated by a bull."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

bleeping golden

this is state senator James Meeks. a few moments ago, he just summed up the impeachment proceedings against Rod Blagojevich perfectly:

"we have this thing called impeachment, and it's bleeping golden, and we've used it the right way."

i could not have said it better myself, Senator Meeks.

blago speech liveblog

this is my liveblog of rod blagojevich's closing argument at his senate trial. it isn't very coherent, but it's the random thoughts and rants that popped into my head in response to things he said.

wow...Blagojevich just started his speach by saying that he spent the last couple days trying to "talk to as many as people as possible about my desire to be here and speak in front of you." that sounds so different from the tune he was singing two days ago. wasn't he adamant that he was NOT going to appear in front of the senate, and stick to the talk show circuit?

schoolyard justice? did he just compare the senate impeachment trial to bullies beating him up in the schoolyard?

"you heard those four tapes! i don't have to tell you what they say!" no, sir, you already did a fantastic job of telling them what the tapes saying all the stuff you said on the tapes.

"how can you throw a governor out who is clamoring and begging and pleading with you to bring evidence and bring witnesses?" ummm...easy. you're not clamoring until now, when you realise that you're completely screwed. furthermore, this is not a criminal trial. this is an administrative proceeding, and not a criminal trial. you may have a constitutional right to be out of jail unless the prosecution proves their case beyond a reasonable doubt, but you don't have the right to be the governor.

"how can you throw someone out of office...maybe one day it'll happen to you!"...something tells me that most of these state senators listening to his speech are slightly better at covering up their corruption than you are, Guv. this probably won't happen to them, especially after having such a colossal "don't be this guy" example.

why are you talking about a conference committee, and being starstruck with old senators? why are you talking about Liz Taylor? what does this have to do with public corruption?

"i've been given legal advice by lawyers." i'm glad to know you're not taking legal advice from butchers, bakers, and candlestick makers. well done.

stop talking about health care. whatever your motives behind your health care initiatives, and whatever the laudable results, you know that's not why people hate you. you are not a health care pariah. you know that's not the real reason you are going to be removed. so, stop trying to distract us by blathering for minutes on end about it--all it's going to do is get people even angrier at you for avoiding the real reasons why you have been impeached.

finally, blago makes a good point. it is bullshit that the plan to import drugs from Canada was in the articles of impeachment. that was a good idea, and that shouldn't be there. but, you don't have to belabor it. mention it and move on to the reasons that you are actually under fire.

impeaching john mccain? firing rahm emanuel? wow, you're attacking everyone today. way to turn your good point about Canadian drugs into something wacky.

stop saying "throw me out of office." you're speaking before the senate. you need to sound credible. that just sounds sloppy.

"we hired a former united states attorney as our inspector general." that doesn't necessarily make him credible. i know it's a stretch, and it's hard for you or anyone else to believe, but even some united states attorneys are bribable. maybe he was legit, and maybe he wasn't, but just saying you have an inspector general who used to be a united states attorney doesn't let you off the hook.


"there is no evidence before your body here that shows any wrongdoing." well, that's not true. for one thing, your Awful Politician Hair is before the senate. if that's not wrongdoing, i don't know what is. seriously...get a new barber, because big overblown politician hair only detracts from any shred of trustworthiness you may try to maintain.

"we've had our ups and downs...mostly ups."...i find that hard to believe. you've been under investigation since 2003. your approval rating is next to nothing. i don't think you've had very many ups since you were first elected, and the only reason you were reelected is because the republican party in illinois is in total shambles.

why are you telling a sob story about your father being a refugee? it's a good story, sure, but it's more fit for the campaign trail. your father may have been a stand-up guy with dreams and goals, but him being a good guy isn't going to save you. stop running away from this's half an hour into the speech and you still haven't done anything but bluster.

"long and hard to pronounce last names"...well, i can't say anything there. your name is long, and hard to pronounce for many people. it's refreshing to hear some truth.

"i didn't try to sell myself to the national media"...maybe you didn't do that when you were running for governor, but you still don't get to say that with a straight face when you spent the whole week trying to sell yourself to the national media. epic fail.

if you are going to tell a moving story about a local resident, make sure you get your facts right. know what she does for a living. know the neighbourhood she lives in. your irrelevant little story loses any of the impact that it may have had if every fact in the story is a list of three or four different things, because you can't remember which one is correct.

"it ain't about me"...i'd say something here, but anything i say could not add to this.

"all those articles that are not wrongdoing" the senate seat for sale, the thing you haven't even alluded to yet?

"there's a reason why these impeachments are very rare." yes. they almost never happen. you have to do something really, really wrong during office, and it has to be discovered while you are in office. oh, wait... O.O

"imagine other governors in other states...imagine what'll happen if i get thrown out of office."...other governors will have fair warning not to orchestrate pay-to-play over their phones. and, if you get thrown out of office, people may start to build a slight bit of respect for our state once again.

"rush to judgment" is his theme? that's the most common and boring mock trial theme ever. it's hackneyed. he should have chosen something a little more creative.

"sure, there's political embarrassment to members of my party. sure, there's some inconvenience."...congratulations, Rod. here, have a trophy for understatement of the year. if you really want it, i can make it a pizza trophy.

please, don't try to tell a sob story about seeing all the people who ostensibly voted for you. i don't actually think you're sad that you think their will is being circumvented. you're sad because you're about to be kicked out of office.

rights? civil liberties? sir, you do not have a right to be the governor. that is a privilege. someone, maybe that lawyer that you weren't listening to, should sit you down and explain the difference between a criminal trial and an impeachment-and-removal proceeding, because you do not quite get it.

"if it can happen to a governor, it can happen to any citizen." i don't think so. the senate is not in the habit of holding impeachment trials for citizens and stripping them of their illinois citizenship. they don't have that right under the illinois constitution, and they won't get that right if they remove you from office.

and, that's it. he only talked for forty-five minutes. i expected him to use the full ninety that he was allotted...i am pleasantly surprised. still, forty-five minutes of him saying nothing and evading the entire pay-to-play issue is more than enough.

time's up...stand up...and face the muzak...

according to the latest Standard and Poor's rating, Muzak Holdings LLC has a credit rating of CCC-, with a negative outlook. in non-finance terms, that basically means that they're vulnerable to start defaulting on paying back their debt, and are unlikely to stay current on their obligations if economic conditions aren't favourable.

please tell me i'm not the only one who is rooting for Muzak to go bankrupt. for all of that crappy elevator "music" of theirs i've had to put up with over the years, this is the least they deserve in retaliation.


last night, i dreamt that i was at work. i dreamt that a new lawyer was working in the office next to me as an Of Counsel--specifically, the lead singer of Duran Duran. in the dream he had gotten very old and weathered, but he still thought he was hot stuff and a consummate ladies' man, and was hitting on me to no end.

whatever part of my subconscious gave me that dream, i want to find it, burn it out of my brain, and throw it away. that dream gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

thanks, masturbation!

i am reading a case about motorboats, and all i can think of are big, motorboatin' tits.

and, no, that link does not go to the latest issue of juggs. sorry. it does, however, go to the "boobies" episode of midwest teen sex show. it's a podcast that's half sex-ed, half hilarity--and completely awesome and addictive. i discovered it last month, thanks to c4bl3fl4m3, and it is full of win. there are twenty-two episodes of it so far...and i challenge you to watch one without starting to delve into the others.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Monday, January 26, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 26, 2009

i've peeled seven more pages off of my Wicked Sweet Crack Cookie Of The Day calendar, which makes it time again to delve through the depths of the interwebstubes to find the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • when the city attorney calls part of your gang's turf a "safety zone," that does not mean that it's safe to sell crack there. remember, the city attorney's job is to prosecute crack dealers like you, and his idea of a "safety zone" involves keeping local residents safe from your crack dealing. i know you don't see eye to eye on this, but you'll have a far more fruitful crack dealing career if you mark your map with the prosecutor's "safety zones," and then sell crack everywhere but there.
  • a few weeks ago, we covered the rather fundamental precept that even in this bad economy, it is a bad idea to trade your truck for a crack rock. if you have smoked so much crack that you can't figure this out yourself, i'll lay it out for you: this idea also applies to vans, cars, and any other kind of motor vehicles. if you let someone borrow your van in return for some crack, they probably will not return it. if you get lucky and ever do see your van again, it will probably be crashed beyond recognition, and the crack smoker more clever than you--who took your car in payment for a little rock--will be long gone.
  • if you are a lawyer, you should probably not be a crack smoker. not only is crack illegal, but being a lawyer requires analytical skills beyond the level of the vast majority of crack smokers. however, if you are blessed with such amazing analytical skills that you can be a lawyer and a crack smoker at the same time, surely you can figure out that you should not bring your crack to the courthouse. at the very least, if you can't stay away from your precious crack for that long, you should at least be able to figure out that it is a bad idea to bring both your crack and your coke to the courthouse, snort coke in a conference room before your hearing, and leave a trail of white powder. as a lawyer, you should know that not even Johnnie Cochrane would have been able to come up with an argument why you won't be sent to jail--and to the list of crack smokers too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thank you to Taryn for this one!]
  • keep in mind: crack is called "crack" because it makes a crackling noise when you cook it. crack is not called "crack" because it is a good idea to hide crack rocks in your, ummmm, buttocks area. yes, we know, we have told you many times here at News Crack Smokers Can Use that you need to hide your crack, but that's just not a good place to do it. your crack will fall out of your crack when you try to evade the local constabulary.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or test out your anything but ethernet entry for notacon.

suckers indeed.

i'm in the chicago bar association choir. last week, we were practicing one of our songs, Abe Lincoln's campaign song from 1860. there's a line that refers to Lincoln as "the pride of the suckers", and the following conversation ensued:

director: does anyone know what "suckers" refers to?
[random babbling from the choir, but no answers.]
director: "suckers" was an old nickname for Illinois residents, although it's no longer used.
choir member: well, except for our governor. he's a sucker.
other choir member: no, we voted for him! we're the suckers!

europe != near me


you are playing me a song by The Rasmus, who i love, and then you tell me that there are "events by this artist near you." you then proceed to list three upcoming concerts: in copenhagen, berlin, and hamburg.

in other words, stop being such a tease. if the concert is not in the chicago metropolitan area, please don't tell me that it's near me. or, if that's too least refrain from telling me that a concert is "near me" if the concert is not on my continent.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker

Sunday, January 25, 2009

i'm doin it wrong.

my eee officially has more RAM than my main box does.



this is a strange feeling. i have officially been too busy to blog. i've got a lot going on, lots of interesting things coming up and works in progress, but none of it is quite congealed enough to be blogging about at this moment in time.

it's a good feeling, being so busy. during law school, i felt like i had put doing anything for my own personal edification on the back burner. i started crawling out of that a little bit when i was taking voice lessons and singing in the wash u choir, but even so, whenever i was not at practice i felt like my life was subsumed by two things: law school, or performing the necessary escape from law school.

then, i moved back to chicago. i was studying for the bar, settling back into my new old home, but putting any kind of long-term projects on the back burner until i started working. then, i started working. i put any attempts to get involved in anything on the back burner until work started to pick up. after a few months of working, and work not getting very busy yet, i was still spending my nights and weekends occasionally tinkering with things but mostly just gazing out into space.

then, about the time when i was starting to get really sick of my little plan to hold off on involvement in many things until i felt like i had the hang of my work schedule, i fell into pumping station: one, the hackerspace being planned here in chicago. it's going swimmingly...we're a registered nonprofit, we've got some great leads on some spaces to occupy, and we've got a great group of people who are dedicated to making this happen.

however, there has been a benefit to me above and beyond being so close to having a space to get together and play on things: being involved in something i feel so excited about is making me feel excited about everything else going on in my life. it's a lot easier to get excited about things when there's at least one facet of my life that's going somewhere completely new. i can''t put my finger on it...but the excitement about the hackerspace is percolating everywhere. if i'm having a good day at work, it's even better. if i'm having a bad day at work, i can distract myself with thoughts of hackerspace planning and plotting. i have peopple i've known for years in my life, and i have interesting new people in my life.

maybe it's just the confluence of the old and the new...i feel like i am navigating new territory for the first time in a long time, and that's bleeding through and making all of the territory i'm navigating way cooler.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

oh, internets.

i saw this ad on the new york times website today:

really? i can click on this cheaply slapped-together ad and read ann coulter columns? for free?

if i really wanted to read her colums as they came out, don't you think i'd have already signed up for an rss feed by now? seriously.

part of me thinks i might have clicked if the ad were slightly more professionally done, and offered to pay me large amounts of money to be one of the first people to read new columns by ann coulter. however, an even larger and more reasonable part of me thinks that i would have probably screenshot it and mocked it in that case, too, since such a thing would so clearly be a scam.


and, speaking of weird ads, google just displayed a text ad for in my gmail. this is probably because i'm getting responses to a thing i posted about teledus in wtf-stupid, but it just makes me inordinately happy that there's a website called

in fact, the website is extremely lulzy. it's for one of those twenty-some-odd-dollar downloadable e-books that scammers are always trying to sell via google adwords. i don't know why they would need to put together a whole book about how to remove skunk smell, but the description of why the book is so groundbreaking and revolutionary gets funnier and funnier every time i read it.

not to mention that the top of the website has one of the most entertaining graphics i've seen in a long time:


yes, i'm easily amused. why do you ask?

an open letter to bank robbers

dear bank robbers,

one of the most important steps to planning a successful bank robbery is the getaway. after you rob a bank, you need to get away from that bank as quickly as possible. of course, you can't overdo that. your getaway driver, be it yourself or somebody else, has to drive the getaway car fast enough so that you're far from the premises by the time the police arrive, but not so recklessly that you get pulled over for a moving violation before you hide the loot. there's a fine line, and you need to be smart about it.

and, sure, your goal is to take your money and soon fade into the populace as if there is nothing specific about you, but that is not your first concern. your first concern is to get far enough away from the bank that your local constabulary will not be able to get your description from the bank, know where you went, and apprehend you just minutes after you leave the bank. this requires you to plan your getaway accordingly.

in short, leaving the scene of your bank robbery on a public bus is an extremely bad idea. not only do buses go rather slowly because they stop every block or so, but thanks to CTA's convenient Bus Tracker service, the police can easily figure out when your bus picked you up, where your bus is now, and when they can arrange for Officer Friendly to apprehend you.

the persecuted crack smoker

crack smokers do not have a complete monopoly on being stupid.

this blog has a clearly crack-related focus. this makes a few stupid people who use drugs other than crack feel a little left out sometimes, and inspires them to do things that are so stupid that i will write about them anyway, despite the fact that there is no crack involved.

take one law student in connecticut, who was working an internship with the public defender's office. now, if you're a law student in connecticut, especially one who is interning in a job related to criminal law, a few things should pop out at you as rather obvious:
  • marijuana is illegal in connecticut. it may be a stupid law, but it's in force, and the state has a right to enforce it until such point as it is overturned.
  • drug dealing penalties are stiffer than drug possession penalties, and they will often charge you with drug dealing if you are carrying distribution equipment like scales and baggies along with your drugs.
  • that box you have to put your bag through on the way into the public defender's office? that's a x-ray machine. and, that tv screen attached to that little box? that shows the guy sitting at the x-ray machine what's in your bag. and, for good measure, that shiny little badge on the guy sitting by the box with the tv screen on it? that means that he is a member of your local constabulary. i know synthesizing three little bits of information can be difficult sometimes, especially if you are high, but i will put it together for you: Officer Friendly can see what you are bringing into the public defender's office.
why must we go into such excruciating detail about such obvious things, especially in the context of discussing someone who should know better? i'm sure you can infer why by now, but i'll say it anyway: because two days ago, a law student interning for a public defender's office in connecticut was busted for having three baggies of weed, a marijuana grinder, and a digital scale in his bag.

we'll leave aside the fact that this guy lacks the analytical skills to be a successful lawyer. he lacks the minimal analytical skills necessary to be a successful pot smoker. just as the mantra of the successful crack smoker is hide your crack, the mantra of the successful pothead ought to be hide your pot. hiding your pot means leaving it at home. hiding your pot, if you're a pot dealer, means leaving your drug dealing paraphernalia at home and operating your enterprise covertly. hiding your pot does not mean packaging it with your drug dealing paraphernalia, going to the courthouse, and giving your package of tools-of-the-trade to a police officer.

in that case, there is a pretty good shot that you'll be going back to the public defender's office, but you won't be working there this time.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

programming win.

connecting to wpa from my debian box [my eee] was a pain in the ass, and involved lots of messing around with configuration files. so, i decided to write a script this weekend to automate the process and make connecting to wpa-encrypted networks as analogous as possible to connecting to open or wep-encrypted networks using iwconfig, since that's what i'm used to doing.

i tested all of the logic and file processing at home and debugged it this weekend, but this evening at mercury cafe was my first time being able to test the script to see if it actually worked to connect me to a wpa-encrypted network. i've done enough programming to know that no matter how much debugging i do on a theoretical level, i won't feel good until i have tried it in the real world and it does what i wrote it to do. wpa client does what i wrote it to do! OMG OMG OMG! SO HAPPY.

stone, please explain why your silence makes more noise than thunder

"iron flower" by k's choice has been one of my favourite songs for over ten years now, since i first heard it. i love sarah bettens' harmony line, and i can't listen to this song without singing along to it.

it makes me so sad that there's no karaoke track to it, because i would love to be able to find a vocals-less track to it, find someone else who knows gert's part, and sing it that way, if only just once.

the author apologises for the crack-related contradiction.

this blog on friday: "in fact, there is one and only one arena in which a crackhead will never disappoint you: you can depend on a crackhead to smoke crack."

this blog on monday: "I just ate some crack. I'm really high."

i screwed up big time.

i should have said that you can only depend on a crackhead to use crack, ingest crack, or somehow introduce crack into his body. i should not have specified that you can depend on crackheads to smoke crack, because some crackheads are stupid enough that they will use crack in thoroughly unintended ways.

i was wrong on friday, and i apologise for the error.


there won't be change overnight. i know that. all i expect to see are gradual steps in a better direction than we've been going.

however...the fact that my optimism is very heavily guarded does not stop me from being extremely happy that our president is now Barack Obama and not George W. Bush. it means baby steps in the right direction are more possible than they used to be, and that's a good thing.

Monday, January 19, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 19, 2009

another week has passed, which means i have again scoured the depths of the interwebstubes. as usual, those seedy depths contain plenty of Don't Be This Guy stories involving crack smokers. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • if you are a crack smoker, i would normally give you kudos for not having crack in plain view in your car when the cops pull you over. however, this goes for other illegal substances, too: any benefit you give yourself by hiding your crack is going to be severely curtailed if your glove compartment is hanging wide open, and there's weed in your glove compartment. weed is also illegal. even so, the punishment for weed is generally not as bad as it is for crack. you can still salvage yourself. you can keep your crack hidden. if you weren't smart enough to keep your crack at home in the first place, you can at least refrain from telling a cop that "I just ate some crack. I'm really high."...and then throwing a bag of crack out of the car. Officer Friendly is probably not going to allow you to go home and smoke the rest of your crack in peace. then again...there's probably not much hope, in the first place, for a crackhead who doesn't know how to use crack in the first place. there's a reason i often refer to crackheads as crack smokers--you are supposed to smoke crack. you are not supposed to eat it. if you eat it, you are probably just going to throw it up, and that takes all the fun out of being a crackhead.
  • for most crack dealers, selling crack is enough. crack doesn't need a brand identity. word gets out among the local crack smokers that you're a crack dealer, and they come around to buy it. it's that simple. however, there are a lot of people peddling their wares on the south side of chicago, and one enterprising gangster decided that he'd get a bigger piece of the crack dealing pie by peddling his Karma Brand Crack. he should have thought a little harder in coming up with a name: a crack dealer's karma isn't usually very good, and this guy got his karmic reward of twenty-seven years behind bars.
  • it takes a certain level of motivation to graduate from crack smoker to crack maker. you have to take the initiative to make your own crack instead of just buying it from someone on the street, and you have to take the time to learn how to get the right proportions of cocaine, baking soda, and water to produce the most exquisitely smokable crack. however, leave your cocaine at home when you are going out to buy baking soda and measuring equipment. since you can't cook crack in your car on the way home from wal-mart, it's not worth the risk to bring it with you. if a member of your local constabulary pulls you over and see baking soda and measuring equipment in your car, they will think you are going home to make a cake, or maybe some tasty biscuits. if they see baking soda, measuring equipment, and cocaine in your car, they will know that you are going home to make some crack.
  • the tradition of flushing the drugs down the toilet when the cops arrive is older than crack itself. however, proper care and maintenance of your toilet will assure that you will be able to flush your crack as soon as the police arrive, without being delayed by any clogs. case in point: do not flush cell phones and cash down the toilet. a few crack rocks here and there are fine; they're not very big. but, putting anything else in there may lead to the cops seeing you with a hand down the toilet, trying to unclog it. they'll know something is up.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or send me a singing telegram.

Friday, January 16, 2009

More News People Who Put Up With Crack Smokers Can Use

dear person who found this little corner of the internet by searching the terms being disappointed by a crackhead,

i'm not quite sure what kind of infrormation you were trying to find here. if you've been disappointed by a crackhead recently, i'm sorry. but, that is the way of the crackhead. there's not a whole lot you can depend on a crackhead to do. you can't depend on a crackhead to cook you dinner. you can't depend on a crackhead to do your laundry. you can't depend on a crackhead to show up for a date on time. maybe they'll come through sometimes, but odds are that none of these obligations are tops on their priority list.

in fact, there is one and only one arena in which a crackhead will never disappoint you: you can depend on a crackhead to smoke crack. if you are not a crack rock who is dying to be smoked, you are always going to be disappointed by a crackhead.

if you're willing to deal with that, then by all means keep the crackhead in your life as your friend, your lover, or whatever else their role may be. however, if being disappointed by a crackhead is frustrating you, maybe you should suggest that your favourite crackhead go to rehab, and if that doesn't work, try to make amends when and if they are no longer a crackhead.

in practicality,
the persecuted crack smoker

i'm only eighteen, got a ruptured spleen, and i always carry a purse.

i caught myself singing this song while i was doing some work a few minutes ago:



you know you're losing it when you read "DishnetDSL" and wonder why someone would name their company "DishonestDSL."

Thursday, January 15, 2009

book memery

meme stolen from agent alpo:

*Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
*Turn to page 56.
*Find the fifth sentence.
*Post that sentence along with these instructions in your LiveJournal.
*Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

"Alimony is generally considered to be a consumer debt if it is not based on a profit motive."

(this is what happens when i do this meme while taking a quick break from Lots Of Work. it's not my fault that the closes book to me is collier's annotated bankruptcy code pamphlet.)


dear office heater,

stop turning into an air conditioner. you did it tuesday, and now you're doing it again today. when it's sub-zero outside, the last thing i want to be doing is freezing my ass off inside of my office because you feel like blowing cold air in here instead. when it's noon and my hands have not thawed out yet, there is a serious problem.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker


my eyes were freezing shut. my scarf was freezing to my face. my toes froze to the point that it took about twenty minutes inside for them to stop hurting. the el trains were all running really late.

i'm a cold-weather person, but there are limits. i'd be perfectly happy if it never got any colder than 10 degrees or so. that's cold, but the perfectly tolerable kind of cold. -7 with a wind chill of -25...not so much. i didn't think it was possible for it to be so cold that it was positively gross, but today proves me wrong.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

gingerbread man

i grabbed a gingerbread man at a holiday party in my office building about a month ago. i don't particularly like to eat gingerbread men, but this one was so irresistibly cute that i needed to pick him up and take him back to my office with me.

i can't bring myself to throw him away. he's still on my desk, and still as cute as ever. i really need to get a can of clear spray-enamel or something similar, so he can stay intact and not leave crumbs around my office as time goes by.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

not so srs bsns

file this away as yet another untrustworthy life insurance ad:


dear penis pill spammers:

i know that there are a million different penis pill spams that are clogging the interwebstubes right now. it's easy for yours to get lost in the shuffle, and you need to come up with a snappy subject headline to entice gullible folks to order penis enlargement pills from your email and not someone else's. i understand that. however, my dear spammers, take a look at these subject lines i harvested from my spam today, and please tell me whether any of them evoke an image of sexual pleasure:
  • My crotch area is too tight now
  • Let your zip feel tension
  • So massive it scared her
  • This will bring fire to her crotch
  • 9 inches of steel in her

lesson? not all attempts to imply masculine size and strength are sexy. i understand that stealing lines from pornographic stories may be a little too long-winded. however, if you're sick of the cookie-cutter "gain inches now" or "get a bigger pen15", you can at least draw a little attention to your emails by eschewing the painful for the amusingly weird:
  • Put your sword in her scabbard
  • This will beat diamonds any day
  • Your rocket will fly higher
  • Make your hose's radius great

please remember this for the next time that you try to sell me penis enlargement pills.

the persecuted crack smoker

p.s.: we'll leave alone for now the fact that i don't have a penis in the first place, and discuss that another day. if, between now and then, you are that desperate for me to have a penis, you can always buy me a packy as a present.


the bailout game, with its "ask a greenspan" feature, is far more amusing than it has any right to be.

...and, i took great pleasure in letting both AIG and the auto industry fail, and still winning the game.


i left my computer charger at home. i left my pass to get into my office building at home. i slipped in the ice about five times on the way to the office. i paper-cut my thumb on a piece of card stock. my internet at work is not working reliably.

today already sucks.

Monday, January 12, 2009


the cta announced today that it is adding the #22 clark bus to bus tracker.


News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 12, 2009

until people all stop smoking crack, or human evolution has reached a point that the brain has become immune to the effects of crack cocaine, there will always be crack smokers doing foolish things. none of this has happened in the last week, so i yet again have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

  • if you don't smoke crack, you should probably not lend your crack smoking friend your debit card. if your favourite crackhead needs something from the store, you'll save yourself a lot of headaches if you go to the store, buy the desired merchandise, and give the merchandise to the crack smoker. however, if you are a crack smoker, you will save yourself a friend as well as some serious legal repercussions if you only buy the items from the store that your friend has entrusted you to buy. you should not use the debit card to get $1400 cash back for prostitutes, booze, and crack.
  • imagine that you and your friend are running a little crack dealing business. the cops come into your apartment. they bust your friend and charge him with being a crack dealer. however, the cops simply question you and let you go. few crack dealers are ever this lucky, but if you one of the rare ones who the authorities decide not to pursue, i have a suggestion: stop dealing crack. you got lucky once, and there is no way you are ever going to get that lucky again. find an honest profession, lie low, and appreciate the fact that you're not behind bars. don't immediately go back to selling crack. you'll go from the luckiest crack dealer alive to one of the stupidest, in no time at all.
  • if your life's calling is selling crack, do it as quietly as possible to reduce the risk of police attention. if you think the police are onto you, your best course of action is to stop selling crack, at least for a while. live on your recent crack-selling income, or find something legitimate to do (at least until the police attention blows over). on the other hand, a sure way to bring your local constabulary to your doorstep is to call an investigator and tell him that you are stalking him, and that he cannot catch you. he'll probably catch you and bring your crack dealing career to an abrupt end.
  • we already know that it's a bad idea to be a crackhead if your name is Newby or Head. to this list, add the name Crooks. if you're that desperate to choose a profession for which your surname is an aptonym, Mr. or Ms. Crooks, i suggest you move to a rural area and become a shepherd. being a shepherd is perfectly legal, and you can boss sheep around all day and amass a collection of bad-ass shepherding sticks. this is a far better idea than selling crack and keeping a machine gun under your christmas tree.
  • smoking crack is an expensive hobby. i understand that. still, it is also an illegal one, and it draws less attention to yourself if you find a legal way to earn money to buy your crack. it will make it a lot easier to hide from the authorities if you have a legitimate job. however, i understand--the economy sucks, and it may be hard to find a job doing something on the up-and-up nowadays. however, if you are going to resort to prostitution as a way of making the money you need to buy crack, do not advertise on craigslist. sure, plenty of local customers troll craigslist for prostitutes--but so does your local constabulary. a cursory google search of news articles provides ninety reasons you do not want to advertise on craigslist--in the last month alone. still, if it's so hard to prostitute yourself by word-of-mouth or street-walking that you have to risk using the internet to peddle your services, do not bring your crack and crack smoking paraphernalia with you when you turn your tricks. if you're just busted for prostitution, there's a good shot they'll let you out on a very low bail, and you can go back home to smoke your crack in peace. if you're busted for crack possession, you're going to have to buy some new crack and a new crackpipe when you get out of jail, and that's just a hassle.
  • going to the grocery store is a good idea for crack smokers, especially in these economically trying times. every dollar you save by cooking your own food is a dollar more that you can spend on crack. however, even if you are smart about saving money on food, there is still at least one other thing you must remain smart about. that's right, we're back to the old News Crack Smokers Can Use mantra: hide your crack. don't bring your crack to the grocery store with you, because it might fall out of your pocket. get your food, take it home, and go back to your crack smoking. however, if you absolutely must bring crack to the grocery store with you, though, please pay for your groceries with cash. cash is anonymous, and will not leave a name to connect with the security camera footage showing the crack falling out of your pocket. if you use a credit card, it is too easy for the authorities to compare the credit card records to the security camera timestamp, send Officer Friendly to your address, and cut your crack smoking career tragically short.
that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or toss a paper airplane in my general direction.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

give me book for hack a computer

i can't help but to think that this post on binrev is the "how is babby formed" of hackerdom.

celebrity look-alikes

i did this once a long time ago, but i haven't done it recently. shaph and jabberwockeyes did it recently, so i decided i'd pull it out again. i remember Chester Bennington was #1 on my last one, so it's no surprise to see him again. still, i apparently look like Old Eastern European Politician Guys, given that my top two are the ex-president of Georgia and the ex-president of the Soviet Union, and i've also got Vytautas Landsbergis, an ex-Chairman-of-the-Parliament of Lithuania.

i do not know what this says about me, but if you try to insinuate that it's a bad thing, i'll channel my inner Sylvester Stallone and kick your ass. <3

Saturday, January 10, 2009

conly goodness

i just bought my ticket to notacon! :D it's in cleveland, from april 16-19. it should involve a lot of fun chances to build things, break things, and hear talks...and there's going to be some hackerspace-type stuff going on there.


i have a funny feeling that i am going to be attending a ton of cons this year.

yay! coroners!

something tells me that needs to pick a better exemplar for its custom mylar balloons:

Friday, January 09, 2009

an open letter to milt patterson

dear milt patterson,

i just read that governor blagojevich was impeached, and i just read that you were the only person to vote against it. that's your prerogative...there are always going to be people who don't support impeachment, and that's why these things are put up to votes in the state house, instead of just starting a senate trial when public opinion sways against the governor. i was curious about your reasoning.

the tribune printed your comment. i do not think you are an idiot because you voted against blagojevich's impeachment. i think you are an idiot because of the comment you made in support of your vote. according to the article:

"Rep. Milt Patterson (D-Chicago) was the lone vote against impeaching the governor. Patterson, from Chicago's Southwest Side, said after the roll call that he didn't feel it was his job to vote to impeach the governor. He declined comment on whether he approved of the job Blagojevich is doing."

mr. patterson, i suggest you read article iv, section 14 of the illinois state constitution. according to that, it is your job to vote on whether to impeach the governor.

if you think he's innocent and that he does not deserve to be impeached, fine. if you approve of the job blagojevich is doing, fine. if you don't support the principle of the house of representatives having the power to impeach politicians, fine. i wouldn't have agreed with any of these arguments, but at least they would have been a little more rational than the explanation you proffered.

besides, if you didn't think it was your job to vote to impeach the governor, it would have been more consistent with that belief had you abstained from the vote altogether.

the persecuted crack smoker

Thursday, January 08, 2009

i love my googlers.

two little bitty messages for the person who found my blog by searching the terms i'm giving into you finger eleven i'm dying tonight:

  • "giving in" was by adema, not by finger eleven.
  • it's "giving in to", not "giving into."

one little bitty message for the person who found my blog by searching the terms can you eat crack:

  • no. well, i guess you can, but it would be no good for you. you'd probably puke it back up anyway. if you really want that cracky goodness, you're best advised to hide your crack, procure a ready-made or improvised crackpipe, find a nice little place secluded from your local constabulary, and smoke your crack like a normal crackhead.

the persecuted crack smoker is always glad to help.

east coast pictures!

i know i'm several days late on this, but i have had a crazy-busy week. i finally got my pictures from my winter trip up, though, and here are a few of my favourites:

me and c4bl3fl4m3 modelling our silly hats at baltimore airport.

i'm not really a car person, but this car parked outside of RFD was really, really cool.

c4bl3fl4m3 is The Doctor.

i have fire in my hair.

Rob and i are on the way into NYC, dressed for the new year's party.

Rob, circa 1929.

i <3 my bright feather mask.

someone vandalized the 1.800.FLOWERS ad. this pleases us.

as always, this is only a small selection of the pictures i posted. i've got three different albums from the trip: the pictures from DC, the pictures from NYC, and the pictures from NYC Resistor.


i am watching rock of love bus. if you thought the girls in the first two seasons of rock of love were trashy, you haven't seen anything yet. i have never seen so many comically large fake boobs, so many short skirts, so many tramp stamps, or so much badly highlighted hair in one place. this season is going to be a humdinger.

and, then, they played this ad during the commercial break:

we'll leave aside the fact that those hairstyles are heinous. is it just me, or do you have a sneaking suspicion that they stole the footage from an infomercial about twenty years ago when someone in marketing heard a rumour somewhere that big hair was coming back into style?

urban dictionary meme

stolen from brianbot, it's a meme i haven't seen before!

Answer the following questions. Then, go to and choose one of the entries for each of your answers.

(and, because i am the consummate spelling bitch, i am also editing the urban dictionary definitions for spelling. yes, i know urban dictionary is not a bastion of good spelling or usage, but it does not mean that i can't apply some minimal editing standards when i copy the entries here.)

1. What is your name?
{Ecstasy. The act of extreme happiness and/or pleasure, often when being aroused or seeing something incredibly exciting.}

2. What is your age?
{The term Twenty Six originated in Cairo, Egypt in 1999, among a group of Egyptian-Canadians and Egyptian-Americans when they were in their early 20s. It means that there is someone around the vicinity who can overhear and understand the group conversations. The term was first used in Arabic Language as Seta Wa'Ishreen.}

3. What is your bf/gf's name?

{AKA; Robert, Robby, Robbie, Bob, Bobbie, Bobby, Bobo, Robin, Bert, Dobby, Roberta, Bertha. AKA; Robert, Robby, Robbie, Bob, Bobbie, Bobby, Bobo, Robin, Bert, Dobby, Roberta, Bertha. Since Rob can be called by many different names, it is hard to be able to know what the person is like. More or less, he/she will search for his/her own source of originality. It is important to this person for others not to confuse him/her with somebody else (ie: That's our Robin! No one else like him!) Usually, someone with the name is excellent at dealing with large amounts of stress and can be an excellent friend when times are tough for others. Most of the time, those with names such as Rob, Robby/Robbie, and Bobby/Bobbie are more artisitic with a sense of humour while those names Robert, Bert, and Bob show a more intellictual side and become more serious. Each one is all around a great person, they can be stubbron at times but they are very forgiving.}

4. What should you be doing?

{1. Of, or relating to the act of being screwed over by an expert lawyer. 2. Being thoroughly trounced by an expert lawyer in a court of law. 3. A threat of legal action.}

5. What is your favorite color?
{Someone who don't know how to smoke pot in a bucket (pipe) gradually from side to side we say that he blacks it. If you black, the weed won't taste as good as if it were green.}

6. Where were you born?

{An imprint left on the skin after reclining on an uneven surface for a sustained period, commonly seen on face after sleeping in an unusual place.}

7. What month were you born in?

{The most popular form of rain when getting married to a hot and sexy rockstar.}

8. Who is the last person you talked to?
{taryn is the unanswerable question. people will often use it as an ice breaker, or can be used to wind up people as they dont have a clue what you are talking about. if you ask mr T what taryn is, he will not answer, even though he knows the answer, he will just kick your ass for trting to confuse him.}

9. What is one of your nicknames?
{the second pc on a network, typically used as a beast of burden (e.g. network rendering, ftp, pr0n server, etc.).}


last night can only be described as a karaoke night on crack.

first of all, i went out to friar tuck to sing karaoke. the place wasn't very busy last night, so i got to sing five(!) songs:

  • "my own worst enemy" by lit
  • "amish paradise" by weird al yankovic
  • "god bless the usa" by lee greenwood [and, unlike the last time i did this as an ironic shout-out to the demise of the right wing, i did not get a pack of marines mad at me! i'm moving up in the world.]
  • "piano man" by billy joel [no, i was not drunk enough to do this song justice. oh well. it was still fun.]
  • "a whole new world" by peabo bryson and regina belle [this was a duet with the foof. yes, it's the song from aladdin, but we sang the pop version and threw the foof right under The Peabo Bus.]

then i went home...and proceeded to play about an hour's worth of rock band with shaph. i'm getting over the last vestiges of a sore throat, so i'm surprised i made it through five songs at friar tuck, much less another hour of rock band afterward. still, it was so much fun. i love playing rock band because it's full of songs that are never in the books at karaoke bars--and, even if they were, they're ones i probably would not sing at the karaoke bars because i do not have a good voice for loud, screamy rock music.

speaking of rock band...last night i did get 100% on "almost easy" by avenged sevenfold on medium. i need to try that one on a harder level, because that would be really cool if i could 100% it on hard or expert as well.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

oh, those cheeky pornographers...

this is a joke, of course, but enacting it would make me far happier than any of these bailouts of financial services industries or car companies. porn is a lot more entertaining...and can you imagine the production values on the new stuff if the industry got a $5 billion cash influx?

well, maybe not, but the porn industry isn't known for paying million-dollar bonuses or sending executives on million-dollar retreats after narrowly escaping bankruptcy. they'd hire a bunch of people, make a lot of new porno flicks and magazines, and maybe even slash prices a bit. with the economy as bad as it is, it would make staying home more often a lot more entertaining if we all had more shiny new porn to whack off to.

naked crack smokers

i don't know if i find it amusing or frightening that so many people find my blog by searching for the terms naked crack smokers.

for the record, there are no pictures of naked crack smokers on this blog. sure, there's the occasional blog entry where i discuss a really stupid crack smoker who happens to be naked, but this blog will remain a better place for all involved if i refrain from posting pictures of naked crack smokers.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

red flags

usually anything about finance bores me out of my skull, but this report is fascinating. even though it only leaked out into the news recently, it's a report that harry markopolos submitted to the SEC, pointing out a series of red flags that bernard madoff investments may have been a ponzi scheme.

the creepy part? this was written in 2005, and followed up a complaint that markopolos made to the SEC in 1999, arguing that madoff couldn't have made such consistently high returns based on the methods he publicly claimed to use.


my brain is not working efficiently this week.

first of all, i've slept like crap the last two nights. i got back to my apartment around 11 on sunday, but i was awake until almost three thirty in the morning. it wasn't too bad yesterday...i was tired, but i had that fake-awake that comes after one night of limited sleep. i was expecting to crash hard last night, but i did anything but. i was awake until at least twelve thirty...and this, combined with being up at least an hour and a half starting at 4am [i eventually stopped looking at the clock and just resigned myself to tossing and turning a lot], means that i've gotten maybe eight hours of sleep combined in the last two nights. i'm getting to the point where not even caffeine is helpful, and i'm really hoping i crash tonight and feel halfway-decent by thursday.

second of all, my brain is bouncing from thing to thing and proving its complete inability to focus on one thing. i've got too many projects in my personal life that are coming to a head right now.
  • the holidays are over, which means that pumping station: one is meeting again. since we're filing our nonprofit incorporation paperwork very soon, tonight's meeting is going to be an important one. in fact, they're all going to be extremely important from here on out--since, once we file, we have to hit the ground running as far as raising money, actually finding a physical space, and a million other practical things we need to arrange before we can have a functioning hackerspace.
  • i'm working on a website about jonathan lee riches ©, and since i've finally got access to my web hosting account, i'm trying to learn the content management software and figuring out how i want to organize the fuckton of lawsuits jlr© has written. [that is, after all, the point of this website--to put all of his lawsuits in one place so people don't have to rely on intermittent justia postings or the annoyance of pacer to get their handwritten lawsuit lulz.] this will be a work in progress for a while, given that jlr© has filed so many lawsuits and i haven't actually developed a website since my aol homepage as a teenager, but i want something interesting on my domain soon.
  • i'm working on an article for upl #31, but hitting a snag in my research thanks to my finicky wireless card. the lack of good documentation on this issue is why i really want to get this resolved and write an article that does not suck, but this has been driving me crazy for about two and a half weeks, and i really hope to have it resolved and written up by this weekend.
  • i still need to figure out an entertaining and creative way to hax my shmoocon barcode.

my personal life has gotten creative for the first time in an extremely long time, and thanks to my inability to sleep, i'm lacking the ability to make much headway on any of it.

Monday, January 05, 2009

News Crack Smokers Can Use: January 5, 2009

the world is still turning, the sun is still shining, and crack smokers are still smoking crack. so, yet again, i have scoured the seedy depths of the interwebstubes in order to bring you the stupidest things people have done in the name of crack. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add these things to the list of what not to do if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

so, without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:

  • if you are a crackhead with a car, the day may come when you decide you want crack more than you want your car. that's perfectly understandable--cars cost a lot to maintain, and it's more fun to spend your money on crack than it is to spend it on gasoline, insurance, and auto repairs. however, if you want to get rid of your car, i suggest selling your car. there are many ways you can do this: go on craigslist, go to a used car dealer, post signs around the neighbourhood. resist the urge to trade your truck for a $20 crack rock. yes, i know you just want crack. but, selling your car through more legitimate means will provide you with a lot of money, with which you can buy a lot of $20 crack rocks. do you need me to explain how? well, money can be exchanged for goods and services--including crack. in fact, you may even end up with enough money after selling your car to buy yourself a shiny new crackpipe, and become the envy of your crack smoking friends. by instead sacrificing a valuable truck for one measly crack rock, you join george allen ward and frances platt as the third member of the club of colossally stupid crack smokers who are too dumb to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.
  • the economy stinks, and cold, hard cash is getting harder and harder to come by. legitimate businesspeople are responding to this by slashing prices, providing attractive financing terms, or hearkening back to the days of layaway in order to get people to spend money. in fact, the economy is so bad that creative financing has even spread to the crack industry. at least one crack dealer is accepting gift cards instead of cash in return for his wares. in a sense, this is pretty cards are as good as cash at stores that sell food, clothes, electronics, and many other consumer goods necessary for maintaining the high standard of living enjoyed by the successful crack dealer. however, i'd really like to know if this crack dealer carried some sort of gift card scanner with him, or if he ever got scammed when some enterprising crack smoker gave him empty gift cards in return for the good stuff. it's a moot point for this particular crack dealer since he has been busted, but i've got a bit of friendly advice for anyone who is intent on accepting store-specific currency for crack--move to canada and sell your crack for canadian tire money instead. it's paper, so you know what you're getting...and, unlike gift cards, it's accepted at places other than canadian tire. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to sabrebutt for this bit of news!]
  • what could be more wholesome than a little white barn that sells candy and pop to the children in the neighbourhood? very little, really...unless the candy house is also the crack house. my dear crack smokers, you should know better than to sell crack out of an establishment popular with the children. the local constabulary takes the thought of Protecting The Children almost too seriously at times, and they are bound to investigate any complaint that the rock candy being sold is not exactly candy. however, if the police visit your little shop, you must remember something that has become somewhat of a mantra here in News Crack Smokers Can Use: hide your crack. sure, throwing it out the window when the police arrive is a risky maneuver because there are probably more police outside who may see it, but it's probably too late anyway because the cops are there. however, in a pinch, it may work if you have a window overlooking a dumpster, a thickly wooded area, or any other place where there's half a chance that your crack will get lost in the shuffle. however, when your building is surrounded by a vacant lot where vagrants come and go, you really need a Crack Hiding Plan B. sure, your mother can whine to the police that it could have been anyone's crack tossed out there, but think about it--if the area is full of drug users, wouldn't one of the local crack smokers have picked up the crack and smoked it by then? the cops will never believe that the crack was sitting out there for much longer than it took you to toss it.

that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me an email, drop me a comment, or put up a smoke signal somewhere in the vicinity of the north side of Chicago.

when term papers get boring, see who's scoring

dear Shaph,

you were right. this video enriched my life, and i owe it to the internet to make sure it is as widely disseminated as possible.

the persecuted crack smoker

*struts around naked*

last wednesday's chicago daily law bulletin had quite possibly the best headline ever:

Wisconsin court: Nude people still have privacy rights

the content of the article is actually serious and important--a court upheld a law preventing people from surreptitiously videotaping other people without their consent. a court upheld the guilty plea of someone who was having consensual sex with his girlfriend, but videotaped the sex without telling her. the court held [correctly, in my opinion] that even though you're nude around someone else, you still have a reasonable expectation not to be secretly videotaped.

but, important content aside, the headline still presses my giggle button.

office space meets hackers.

problem: my office door won't shut.

solution: wedge a shim made of post-it notes between the door and the door frame.

sure, someone will look at me funny if they actually come into my office, but at least the door shuts!


what i should be doing: sleeping, since i have to get up for work in five and a half hours.

what i am doing: screwing around with a barcode-making program, since my barcode scanner arrived in the mail while i was gone, and this was as good an excuse as any to put a barcode maker on my laptop.

of course, if i'm playing with something barcode related, i should hook my computer up to my printer, since it would be cool to scan some stuff in [and the laser in the scanner won't scan off of my computer screen]. that would be a nice step toward doing something shiny for barcode shmarcode, and i only have a month left to hax my barcode in some kind of interesting manner. however, my blankets are very warm and i don't feel like getting out from under them.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

i r not dead.

i'm back in chicago.

pictures are coming later...although you can see a few of the shenanigans from friday night here on, since Rob has already posted his photos from the 2600 meeting on friday night.

Saturday, January 03, 2009