Thursday, February 28, 2008

awesome celebrity snark

this morning brought a stark reminder of why yeeeah.com is my celebrity blog of choice. Kate Hudson had made a comment about how she needs to be with a man with balls. she is apparently dating Owen Wilson. the following commentary ensued:

"Maybe someone should tell Kate that “balls” and “Owen Wilson” go together like the “Heisenberg uncertainty principle” and “definite position and momentum of a sub-atomic particle.”"

best. simile. ever.

sigh.

i got eliminated from Novak's Idol tonight...which is not surprising, because i sang like crap tonight. thanks to my cold, i couldn't hit a note to save my life. notes i can usually hit without batting an eyelash could not even be conjured tonight.

sigh. am i bummed? sure. am i surprised? no way.

stupid virus. making me fail.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

and he expects votes how?

cce6 sent me a link to this video, and i don't know whether to laugh or cry. in a sense, i'm glad he's honest about the fact that he doesn't know beans about "issues" or "a platform." in another sense...what an idiot!

presenting...former Mizzou football player Brock Olivo.



p.s.: voting records show that he has never voted. what a special snowflake.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

moot court briefs should be a controlled substance.

my environmental moot court brief is due this friday. as longtime readers of this blog [and people who have known me any more than a few months in real life...] know, i get a little loopy around deadlines like this.

this afternoon, i'm in the library working on my brief. i step out of my study room [a place where i can talk to myself in peace!] to go to the ladies' room. i know exactly where it is; i've been on the second floor of the library many times before. i walk past the men's room, lay my eyes on the sign next to the door that says "women", turn the handle, open the door...

and walk right into the phone booth between the men's room and the ladies' room.

this episode makes one axiom painfully clear: brief week makes me stupid.

Monday, February 25, 2008

wtf?

click here.

then keep clicking. keep clicking the text on the screen there. it will make less and less sense. it will get more and more absurd.

but it's hilarious. and you will keep clicking, just to see what comes next.

aaaahhh! spiders!

today's Dork Tower amuses me.



unlike this guy, i'm at least consistent with my arachnophobia. i scream and run if i see a daddy-long-legs in my bath or anywhere else...but i have also made it very clear that my D&D game can use any miniatures it wants--except for spiders. sure, we can fight spiders in the adventure...but the spider has to be represented by something that does not look like a spider. my character in the game may not be arachnophobic, but the "demi-deity" controlling it [me, duh!] still is.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

dresses!

there were so many heinous dresses at the Oscars tonight. Jessica Alba and Penelope Cruz's dresses that prominently featured roadkill stitched onto their boobies. Kristen Chenoweth's "wedding dress" with all the puffs on the skirt. Diablo Cody's leopard-print drape. Cameron Diaz's powder pink origami tablecloth. i was afraid there would not be a single dress that was so pretty, so gorgeous, so tasteful that i would actually deem it Oscar-worthy.

but no. Helen Mirren. you win. her dress was gorgeous...a dark red satin number, shape-showing but not skintight. it didn't have fluffs or bows or extra layers of fabric dangling from odd places. the only accoutrement, the Swarovski crystal sleeves, fit perfectly with the dress. they're tasteful and not gaudy. i'm in love.

whining.

this week is shaping up to be a peach. [and, by a peach, i mean kind of awful.]

the environmental moot court brief is due this week. i have a ton of work left to do on it...specifically, because i haven't started it yet. i should have started it today, but i'm sick. i have had a cold creeping up on me since Tuesday. i'm surprised. usually i only get sick every few months. i had a really nasty flu a little over a month ago, during intersession week. but, that bug that's flying around the law school is making another round. i guess since it was the flu i had, i didn't have the antibodies against the cold. therefore, i've got a cold.

i'm coughing, sniffling, and sneezing. i haven't had a functional singing voice since maybe last Tuesday. i squeaked through one week of the karaoke competition [last Wednesday] in less-than-full voice; i really don't want to have to risk that again.

even worse, on the school front, this cold has been making me lethargic. i feel sluggish, and no sleep seems to be enough. i've been staying in bed until eleven, twelve, one. i wasn't up very late last night, but i was asleep until almost two this afternoon. i'm still feeling really icky, though, and doing much else than sitting around is kind of taxing. i need to feel better than this so i can focus on researching and writing that moot court brief.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

vive le sue-perman!

aaaahhhh!!! they posted some new Jonathan Lee Riches © suits on Justia! a ton of them!

*dancedancedance*

some highlights:
i must say...he has changed his tactics. his old suits were long, rambling, and weird. now he has filed many shorter suits instead of fewer longer ones. sometimes the short ones have some fantastic lines. however, i prefer the longer ones and hope he reverts to that tactic shortly.

cheez doodles > eddy curry

remember my recent video postings about The Stephen A. Smith Heckling Society of Gentlemen? they're the friendly guys who like to harass Stephen A. Smith about his propensity for eating Cheez Doodles.

this past Thursday on his radio show, Stephen A. Smith was mad. it's a New York City show, and the Knicks had just lost by 40 points. so, he did what any level-headed sports broadcaster would do: he went on a very long rant about Cheez Doodles:



quite frankly, that's priceless.

Friday, February 22, 2008

o.O

drug dealing? homicide? terrorism? clearly, these are all societal ills connected to music piracy!

pieces of crack in pirated CDs? come on. the RIAA is a bunch of douchebags, and now they're training federal prosecutors in their peculiar brand of douchebaggery.

*kiss*

killing awkwardness, T-Rex style!



oh, you are my hero.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

go ahead...

awesome? Jay's rap from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

even more awesome? hearing a relay operator botch Jay's rap horribly.

[this is a fairly long sound file--fast-forward to six minutes in if you just want to hear the botched rap. however, i recommend listening to all seventeen minutes of it, because it's hilarious. in fact, i recommend listening to all the episodes of the Phone Losers podcast, because it's hilarious.]

ceiling cat

if Matt Walsh, the former Patriots video assistant at the centre of the Spygate hullabaloo, does not have a blog yet...he should. his post on Deadspin today was the most amusing thing i've read about Spygate, and also features some fantastic barbs about losers who spend too much time on the internet reading sports blogs.

it made my day.

ohnoes!

i heart lolcats with bad puns on them. i found this one on i can has cheezburger today, and i loled. a lot.



groan-worthy? probably. awesome? you better believe it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

what a mess.

yesterday Alberto Gonzalez came to campus to speak.

i couldn't make the protest or the speech, since both were in the late afternoon/early evening time that entire slot was taken up by my voice lesson, my barely legal tryout, and choir practice. if i had been free that afternoon i would have joined the protest, since i can't see eye to eye with his views on torture and treatment of prisoners in the name of the "war on terror." that's not a reason that he should lose the chance to speak, of course, but a valid reason to protest.

the College Republicans, who brought him to campus, spewed this bull about how spending the money on a conservative speaker was necessary to balance out the liberal academic bias. it's true that academics are usually more liberal than the general population, and it's true that there ought to be conservative as well as liberal voices heard on campuses. however, bringing Alberto Gonzalez would do nothing, in my opinion, to cause a shift. polarizing figures like that are not the best people to initiate real political dialogue on campus. they preach to the choir. people who agree with him are not swayed away by speaking events like that, and people who disagree with him are not swayed toward him by speaking events like that. in the months leading up to yesterday's talk, i didn't notice any real campus dialogue arising. Gonzalez's supporters screamed in support, and his detractors screamed in opposition. it remained a shouting match.

i'm also quite annoyed about the price tag--his speaker's fee was $30,000, and that doesn't even count all the money that was doubtless expended on police and security staff. i wouldn't be bothered if the college republicans had done outside fundraising to get the money. but, no...they petitioned the university, and the university gave them the money. they could have spent that money on professors, facilities, student programming, even on a host of other political speakers who ran the gamut, and would have been more likely to start discussion instead of a contentious shouting match. but, no. they didn't. that bothers me.

***

aside from more overarching concerns...it was surreal in the music building yesterday when they were getting ready for the speech. [they did the speech there, ostensibly to keep all of the hullabaloo off campus.]

the rest of the stuff i was doing last night was on main campus, but my voice lesson is in the music building a few blocks from campus, out on the Loop. the building wasn't locked down, or even abnormal, when i arrived at 1:30. i went to a practice room, worked on my music for about an hour, and then went to the lounge to rest my voice and read until my lesson at 3:30. that is when things got hectic. hordes of police officers and security personnel entered the building around 2:45. they walked through the lounge where i was reading, and took over the faculty lounge. they shut the door, had some sort of meeting, and then started pouring out and inspecting the premises. there was even a bomb-sniffing dog for good measure.

around 3:00, a policeman walked up to me and asked why i was there. i thought it was rather obvious...i was in the music lounge waiting for a class. [why are students usually there? they're waiting for music classes!] the police officer asked to see some identification, and he looked at a list of people who were authorized to be in the building. luckily, my name was on the list and he didn't give me any trouble. i was, however, kicked out of the music lounge and told to find a new place to wait.

[why did they need the lounge as well? hadn't they already taken over the faculty lounge and the faculty mail room?]

i strolled off and sat in a practice room for a while until my lesson started. i had my lesson, and then went to go catch the bus. that was a nightmare as well. there were even more police officers swarming about. all of the entrances were secured, and all of the driveways around the building were barricaded. most of the personnel there didn't know what the others were up to, so it was total chaos. i finally caught the bus back to campus--thirty minutes late, because of all the traffic jamming and barricading and confusion.

i can't wait until next time i'm in the music building...when it's back to normal.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

phone losers

phone losers is the funniest website i've seen in a long time. it's a 1990s phone phreaker e-zine website. the phone phreaker e-zine is amusing...and the tapes and descriptions of pranks they have pulled are even funnier. i've become hooked on reading it and listening to all the phone fun on there.

i'm especially partial to this one. it doesn't involve hacking into the phone lines, but it's one of the guys annoying a telemarketer who calls him. just take a listen to it...and tell me if you couldn't visualise me doing this, given my opinion about children.

this call is also fabulous. someone is trying to buy a spark plug for their snow blower, and happens to run into a prankster at the auto parts store. i'm surprised the customers don't get pissed off...the fact that they stay so calm the whole time is part of why this call is A+.

Monday, February 18, 2008

more puppy cuteness!

this has officially become Adorable Doggie Day on The Last Refuge.

my friend Taryn has an adorable little puggle named Penelope Roe. she's got a little heart-shaped spot on her chest, and she's a sweetie.



i met her back in September when i went up to the Twin Cities for the pirate party. as this shows, i'm a little surprised she sat in one place long enough for that photo to be taken of her. here's Penelope Roe being a very silly puppy:



isn't she cute?

puppy!

warning: do not watch this unless you want to be ded of teh cute.



Uno the beagle is so adorable, isn't he? i just want to give him a big doggie hug.

introducing...your new American Gladiators!

the finale for American Gladiators was last night. Evan and Monica won...i'm perfectly happy with that result.

on the men's side, it was a foregone conclusion that Evan was going to win. he was just way, way too good at that game. the first episode he seemed perfect, but then he just kept getting better. he's incredible...and didn't come off as a douchebag in the contender interviews, so go him. he'll be a fantastic gladiator next season. he's better than anyone i've ever seen, contender or gladiator, on the wall. he just scrambles up so quickly. i already feel sorry for whichever contender draws him on that event, because there's no way he's going to win. you could give the contender a ten second head start and he'd probably still lose to Evan. he's just that great. Alex wasn't bad, he was clearly better than the other ten male contenders this season--but just as clearly not as good as Evan.

on the women's side, i was rooting for Monica because she was not Shanay. Shanay annoyed me all season. she's a life coach, and has that pushy, Oprah-esque affect that life coaches always have. she was full of cheesy, fluffy speech. during the first two rounds she was all too happy to clunk people over the head with the Jesus stick, although she toned that particular bit of her rhetoric down considerably for the finals. still, she was far too OMG INSPIRATIONAL CHEERLEADER for my tastes. Monica said some silly stuff as well, but it was the same silly stuff that every contender on that show says, and she didn't come off like...a life coach. she's small and quick, and if she returns as a gladiator, she'll probably be very good at the same kind of events as Evan...the wall, hang tough, stuff like that.

in other news, Hellga has a blog. i think that's fantastic.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

::hugs xkcd yet again::

oh, Randall Munroe. your ability to reduce the peculiarities of society into single panels of comic art never ceases to amaze me.

Barrister's Ball

Barrister's Ball was last night. here's a picture of me at the dance...for once, i'm wearing a dress that's not floor-length. it was kind of weird wearing such a short dress, but i like how i looked in it.



and here's another picture of me...not a formal shot, but a fun one. i realised i promised about nine or ten months ago, when i got my tattoo, to post a picture of it. i also realised i never did. one of my favourite things about my dress was that it showed off my tattoo rather nicely.



as for the dance...it was Barrister's. it was at the same venue as the last few years. it had the same kind of music...specifically bad music, very heavy on recent pop-rap. there were some gorgeous dresses, and some heinous ones. the most heinous dress of the night was this one floor-length gown covered in gold sequins. sequined accents are alright, but a dress fully covered in gaudy, shiny gold sequins? i think i finally met a shiny object i didn't like.

rock is back.

Eve 6 has gotten back together.

life is good.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I was crying to mock you. It was pretty damned funny.

i love McSweeney's Lists. the longer stuff, however, is usually not quite so up my alley.

today, however, they posted something extremely funny: Excerpts From McNamee! The Musical. it's the best satire i've seen about the whole Roger Clemens/Brian McNamee steroid mess. i'd try to describe it, but it must be read in its entirety to be appreciated.

someone needs to set this to music, expand it into a full musical, and let me play the role of the singing steroid needle.

Harold's!!!!!

Harold's Chicken Shack is a Chicago original. they make awesomely greasy fried chicken. there are a bunch of them around the south side...including one at Kimbark Plaza, which was right next to the apartment i lived in for the year before i went to law school. there was nothing better the morning after partying a little too hard than getting the group together, crossing the treacherous Crack Dealer Alley, and getting, in the words of the good doctor, "fried chicken served on a bed of french fries, slathered in hot sauce with a slice of white bread sitting next to a small cup of cole slaw."

Harold's started on the south side of Chicago, although it has branched out a bit now. there are Harold's Chicken Shacks on the north side, as well as a smattering of locations outside of Chicago.

i just found out today that there's a Harold's in Fairview Heights.

this makes me inordinately happy. Fairview Heights is out on the east side, ten or fifteen miles over the river. there must be an excursion out there. it's been too long since i've had Harold's Chicken, and there's nothing like it.

anyone in st. louis who wants to make an excursion to the East Side with me for the best fried chicken you'll ever have...you're welcome to come. you won't be sorry, although you might get addicted and suddenly catch yourself going to Fairview Heights on chicken runs a little more often than you ever thought you would.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

useful links

what my legal research prof actually said: "WorldCat is linked off of the law library website."

what i thought my legal research prof said: "LOLcat is linked off of the law library website."

the law library website really should link to i can has cheezburger. not that it's useful for legal research...but it's a fabulous source of relief from the stress of legal research.

your music sucks. who the fuck are you? opinions are like assholes and so are you...

i'm doing a karaoke competition...Novak's, the bar where i usually sing karaoke, has a contest every year. i've survived the first two weeks, and now i have to pick my songs for week 3.

the first two weeks didn't have themes. everyone just got to pick two songs and sing them. from here on out, there are themes...we still sing two songs: one that we choose, and the other which has to relate to the week's theme. next week's theme is Top 40. we have some leeway; the songs don't have to be on the current Top 40 chart, but it has to have been on the chart in 2002 or later. so, of course, i'm flipping through the last few years' Top 40 charts to decide what i'm going to sing.

the verdict? Top 40 charts suck.

i know that's obvious. most of the music they play on the radio is terrible. but, i've never before had the reason or the impetus to flip through chart after chart after chart like i am right now. i'm amazed at the sheer volume of schlock that has bombarded us from the airwaves over the last six years. i want the nineties back...i'll take boy bands and pop tarts any day over Avril Lavigne and Soulja Boy.

i always knew there was a reason i stopped listening to Top 40 radio after about eighth grade.

***

p.s...if anyone can identify the [decidedly not Top 40] song quote in the post title, i owe you a beer.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

did you really need to investigate that?

dear Fox 2 News:

everyone in saint louis knows what city museum is. it's a giant jungle gym, with large objects to climb on and slide down.

did you really need to send out your investigative reporting team to find out that people sometimes broke their legs and ankles at city museum?

did you really need to send out your investigative reporting team to find out that there were several lawsuits pending against city museum?

unless your investigative reporter was named "captain obvious," i think your little investigation was overkill.

yes, i know local news is currently in the business of two things: stating the obvious and trying to scare the crap out of all the stupid people who may be watching. i know there's no substance in local news. but, still...can you try a little harder, or at least not expend resources in your pursuit of the obvious? that time and money would better have been spent on something else, and you could have spent the time telling viewers that 2+2=4.

that's a little less obvious than the fact that people get hurt at city museum.

helpfully,
the persecuted crack smoker

yes we can...has cheezburgers!

Emily tipped me off to a very amusing thing this morning.

yes we can has: Obama-related campaign LOLcats.

my favourite one:



adorable.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

*hugs*

not funny, like most of the xkcd comics i post...but i love it anyway. it's a lesson i am finally starting to learn...but i can't say i'm there yet, and i didn't even start to get the hint until far later than i should have.

book meme

a meme, borrowed from the mad jurist:

Instructions:
1. Grab the nearest book (that is at least 123 pages long).
2. Open to p. 123.
3. Go down to the 5th sentence.
4. Type in the following 3 sentences.
5. Tag five people.


***

the nearest book: The Gum Thief by Douglas Coupland:

***

Okay, then, Bethany, what were your images?

Thank you, interior monologue. I thought that when I was an adult I'd somehow be a bit more connected to life and death--that when I went to bed at night, after drinking a cup of chilled blood with my husband, Johnny Depp, I would look back on a day filled with confessions and accidents and affairs and and large amounts of money travelling in all directions.

***

my usual non-tagging policy is in effect...if you are amused by the meme, go ahead and do it. if not, ignore it.

euphemisms gone wild

first they called them "used cars."

that sounded too sketchy, so people started calling them "pre-owned cars." i thought that was about as euphemistic as it would get in describing used cars.

as usual, i'm proven wrong.

plaza automotive ran an ad tonight referring to their cars as "preloved cars." i'm sure it's just some moronic valentine's day tie-in. whether it is, or they have decided to permanently refer to their used cars as "preloved cars", i want to know what ad agency or focus group convinced them that this was a good idea...so i can smack them.

failing at life

sigh.

any impulses of productivity that i felt the first week or two of class have all dissipated. i know i'm less motivated than i was my last semester of high school. college? that, i don't know. i was pretty checked out my entire last two years of college, checked out of everything that didn't involve mock trial or going to parties. i think that's why i feel less motivated now than i did then. at least i had one thing that consumed my life. now, i've got one thing that i'm doing that i absolutely love...the choir. but, it doesn't take over my life in the same way that mock trial did. it meets twice a week for two hours, and doesn't involve a large amount of outside work or preparation like mock trial did.

i wonder if i'd have it in my to be involved in anything that took a lot of time. i'm sure it's lurking somewhere...last spring between criminal justice clinic and trial team, i hardly had a free moment to eat, sleep, or even breathe. now, i'm doing almost nothing. i don't care about my classes. i haven't read the environmental moot court problem yet. i spend far too much time vegging out in front of a computer or in front of a television. i don't even go out as much as i used to...which is probably good, because i was probably going out way too much last semester.

still...this apathy and lethargy are making me feel really tired. i have no right to feel tired at all, because i'm not actually doing anything. but...i'm just tired, and i don't know what to do about it.

Monday, February 11, 2008

yuck.

Domino's is now hawking "St. Louis style pizza." i have no idea what to make of that. in a sense, my instincts tell me that it will be worse than local St. Louis style pizza, as i do not trust Domino's to faithfully recreate any regional pizza style--only to butcher it and make it worse. but, in another sense, i want to say that it can only be better than real St. Louis pizza, because i can't imagine anything worse than a processed amalgam of cheese on a saltine--which is what St. Louis style pizza tastes like.

it's like a rubbery, indigestion-causing zen koan.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

random ridiculousness

i spent most of the day at a birthday party, at which there were many, many bizarre exchanges. two jump out as ones that make me look silly and/or stupid, so i post them here.

[my friend J is putting hair gel in his hair. my friend D is in the kitchen baking muffins.]

J: i've got to put this in to look Republican. i need to get the part right.
me: funny. you put product in your hair to look Republican. i put product in my hair to look scary.
J: there are lots of different products for lots of different things. besides, you don't look scary. i don't think anyone would look at your hairstyle and be scared...unless, are you Scary Spice?
me: no. i'm not Scary Spice.
J: Scary Spice or Posh Spice.
me: i'm not ANY of the Spice Girls.
D: really? i thought you were Bisexual Spice!
me: ummmmm...what? the former, yes. the latter...no.

i'm still unclear as to how i became Bisexual Spice in anyone's brain.

***

[later at the party...after a few drinks. a bunch of us are sitting around the table exchanging bad date and date-like stories, and i preface my story with a warning that it's going to make me sound really, really bad.]

me: this one involves some guys in a local band in Chicago...none of you have any reason to know who it is.
J: is it Ratbag Hero?
me: what? how did you know?!

i still have no clue how he knew.

Friday, February 08, 2008

???

occasionally i see spam that is so far outside of the realm of the believable that i actually notice it.

last night i got a piece of spam that was somehow not forwarded to my gmail spam folder. the subject line said: Now contact ATM Payment Department. that's sketchy enough, of course...it doesn't say whose ATM Payment Department. furthermore, if banks are advertising checking or debit card services, they usually do it in the form of an advertisement, and not in the form of a personal letter.

but, that wasn't enough. just that feature is run of the mill spam.

the salutation on the letter? Attn:My DEAR.

what?! i don't think even the dumbest person would fall for a "bank" calling them "my dear." i could be wrong...people's stupidity always exceeds my wildest expectations. but, i want to think the best of even stupid people right now, and hope that no one would fall for a 419 scam letter so obviously fake.

that scammer isn't even trying! i've got half a mind to bait this guy and see what future amusement and stupidity he can provide.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

all is right with the world.

Duke: 89.
Carolina: 78.

it was so sweet to see the good guys win and the Tar Heels fall...and in the Dean Dome, no less.

*dances*

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

:D

100 days from now, i'm going to get my Juris Doctor.

bitches.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

vote!

just a reminder...today is super tuesday. there are a lot of primaries today. if you live in Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho (if you're a Democrat), Illinois, Kansas (if you're a Democrat), Massachusetts, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana (if you're a Republican), New Jersey, New Mexico (if you're a Democrat), New York, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Utah, or West Virginia (if you're a Republican), your primary or caucus is today.

so...go vote. please? it's the one opinion poll that actually matters...and really, if you don't go vote in the primaries, you don't get to complain if you're not happy about who gets nominated.

[as for me...my primary in Missouri is today, and i'm voting. i'm voting in the Democratic primary, and i'm voting for Barack Obama.]

Monday, February 04, 2008

Shipment of Fail does not fail. <3

hugs and smoochies to Shipment of Fail, who posted the Tom Brady FAIL picture that i made last night. :D

*dance*

*cry*

apparently the guy in the AMP ad that disturbed me so much was none other than Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts.

gee. thanks for killing a sliver of my childhood. still, you could have killed it just as effectively it a far less horrifying way than JUMPER CABLES CLIPPED TO MAN BOOBS.

The Pass

just look at this and tell me that Eli Manning and David Tyree weren't complete studs on this play.



that was shiny.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

epic adblog: the 4th quarter

and now...the fourth quarter! the game is getting exciting, and hopefully there are some good ads that they've been saving for last.

  • Ephraim Salaam talks about going to a grocery store, and seeing a guy there who looked like he should play football. he didn't play football. he played the oboe. but, with Salaam's encouragement, he gave football a shot. he went to the coach at San Diego State, and walked on despite never having played football before. he made it, started, and is now playing professionally: Chester Pitts.
    • this was a sweet story, and very well done. i liked this one...kudos to NFL.com.
  • stylized pictures of Marilyn Monroe, Shakira, and Madonna, interspersed with text about how life can't wait, and how hair tells your story.
    • yeah, all three of them had nice hair, but i doubt that's their whole secret. i mean, Marilyn Monroe's life didn't even intersect with the existence of Sunsilk shampoo! sigh.
  • New York City. balloons getting ready for the Macy's Day Parade. a Coke balloon rises above the rest...and Stewie and Underdog start floating after it. they fight for it...one gets closer...then the other...and they keep knocking each other away. finally, the Coke floats out of reach. Charlie Brown suddenly floats up gracefully from amid the New York skyline and gets the Coke.
    • AWWWWWW. this ad is the most adorable ad of the night. i wasn't expecting Charlie Brown...and yet? perfect.
  • cut to a guy in a light blue tracksuit with shorts, lounging on a beanbag chair. it's a dating video...he's smarmy, skeezy, and talking about what a great time someone's going to have on his couch. a woman looks on in horror. finally Jack from Jack In The Box admits that this guy's video was cheesier than one of his burgers.
    • that guy? cheesy. the ad? cheesier. not the ickiest moment of the night, but it loses points for reminding me of mister Cheese Is What Gets You Laid In The Real World.
  • it's a fake political wonk show. Bill Frist and James Carville are squabbling. Bill demands that James buy him a coke. they go outside to a Coke stand, get Cokes...and they agree on something for once! they're then taking a whirlwind trip around DC...you see them on a tour bus, on segways, getting a caraicature done, at a basketball game...and they finally have a friendly toast on the mall, gazing out at the Washington Monument.
    • not quite as cute at Charlie Brown, but not bad. the segways were far more amusing than they should have been...the idea of Bill Frist and James Carville on segways is just funny, and the scene in the ad is even funnier than the idea.
  • people pedaling plastic Big Wheel Trikes down a track. it's kids this time, and the parents are cheering them on. they then load all the trikes on top of the Toyota Sequoia van, and drive elsewhere...another track, where adults are driving the trikes around.
    • they were trying so hard to be cute. it wasn't atrocious...but it was forgettable.
  • trailer for new Adam Sandler movie, You Don't Mess With The Zohan.
    • it looks like it makes even less sense than most Adam Sandler movies. no idea what it's about from the parts it showed. he really doesn't care anymore, does he?
  • trailer for Sarah Connor Chronicles.
    • the clips of the show weren't anything special...pissed off Sarah Connor, an evil robot, kids to protect. but, the soundtrack to the ad was well-plated: "Mother" by Danzig.
  • that stupid E-Trade baby with the adult voice is back. this time he's talking about how his E-Trade savings account pays a lot of interest. he said he was going to get a clown with his money, although his friends were poking fun at him for it. the clown was back there, making balloon animals behind the baby. the baby observes that he underestimated the creepiness of the clown.
    • it's not the clown who's creepy. it's that baby.
  • mariachi musicians stop some guys who were taking Taco Bell Fiesta Platters to a meeting. the musicians tell them the meal needs to be enjoyed slowly. the band sets up a table and plays. one of the musicians hits on a woman who is not interested. they play some more. another girl, hotter, starts hitting on them.
    • the girls were superfluous. furthermore, no one can say with a straight face that Taco Bell is sit-down food. i love Taco Bell, but it's definitely my guilty pleasure among fast food restaurants. it's not slow food.
  • a dog is drinking eagerly from a bowl. he then starts licking his drink up from the floor. he goes back to the bowl. cut to the dog, the bowl, and some bottles of Gatorade: Man's Best Friend.
    • a dog drinking Gatorade? that would have only worked if it were a hardworking sled dog. this was no hardworking sled dog.
  • Will Ferrell as Jackie Moon discusses Bud Light and keeps botching it in creepy ways. "a lot of sweat goes into every bottle." "suck one." et cetera.
    • i never want to hear Will Ferrell tell me to Suck One ever again.
  • back to the Hyundai Genesis. it's driving around a white room this time, and then out. the voice-over says that he doesn't know what USA Today will say about the ad, but BMW, Mercedes, Lexus won't like it.
    • it's the same schtick as the earlier ad...a meta reference and a dig at traditional luxury brands. you can't do two meta references in the same night...that's excessive. and, the dig at traditional brands is still unoriginal the second time around.
  • Chad Johnson getting asked questions, Moment Of Truth Style. he keeps answering questions, and finally when he's asked if he's smarter than Einstein he says something completely nonsensical and chest bumps the host.
    • stupid. just as stupid as the show. but, at least, the show is funny.
  • "i'm in the mood for love" is playing. images of Adriana Lima in sexy lingerie playing with a football are interspersed with a Valentine's Day message from Victoria's Secret that the football game would soon be over, and the "real games" are soon to begin.
    • silly? stupid? sure. but Adriana Lima was hot, and her breasts looked fantastic in that teddy.
  • a guy gets out of his truck and grabs some jumper cables. he hooks them to his battery. okay. he hooks the other end of them to...holy balls he just attached them to his moobs. i didn't just see that. or, i did. and then speakers pop out of the truck. and then he starts to dance. he drinks some AMP energy drink, and eventually shorts out the car. satisfied, he takes the jumper cables off of his smoking...*twitch*...man-boobs.
    • alright, that E-Trade baby is not the creepiest thing i've seen all night. it can puke all it wants as long as i don't have to see this guy again. i need a shower.

sigh. no emerald nuts ad this year. :(

best ad: Coke's Charlie Brown balloon ad. it was adorable, it was funny, and Charlie Brown came out of nowhere, completely unexpectedly, in a place where he was just perfect. it was sweet.
worst ad: there were a lot of real clunkers and stinkers, but AMP's jumper cable ad was by far the worst. it disturbed me most profoundly. that's saying something, in a year that features a baby puking, a scary woman using cashews as perfume, and cartoons that parroted irrelevant stereotypes.

***

alright, i can't resist one non-ad-related comment--SO GLAD to see the Giants win. the Pats win every game in the season...and can't pull off the Super Bowl. i'm all about the city of Boston having one less thing to gloat about...and now they do.

[and that last drive...Eli Manning looked as good as sacked...and he ran away and threw it...and Tyree grabbed it against his helmet and held on to it? that was fantastic on so many levels.]

epic adblog: the 3rd quarter

on to the third quarter...there were so many ads during the second, but at least a few of them (the Garmin spot and the Toyota Corolla spot) didn't suck.

there hasn't been an Emerald Nuts ad yet. i'll be so sad if they don't have a spot this year.
  • trailer for the new Will Ferrell movie Semi-Pro. "if you think the halftime show was amazing, wait until you see this..."
    • ummm...the halftime show wasn't full of tricks and craziness. it was very straightforward. they should have known something about the tame halftime show before running that ad.
  • some race car driver stands outside his racecar. his car and his outfit are covered in Claritin ads. he warns people to look at the labels on their allergy prescriptions because they may make them drowsy...and then tells them that they could, in the alternative, just take non-drowsy Claritin.
    • that bothers me. shouldn't they read the label on Claritin, too?
  • salesman congratulates buyer for knowing a lot about car. this time the plan B isn't a pissed off warrior, but it's a witch doctor who would shrink the car salesman's head.
  • CHINESE PANDAS? they'd have to go back to zoo if they don't sell more? their psychic tells them to go to Sales Genie? they start selling stuff like crazy, and get to go to the zoo and watch other animals?
    • first quarter they blatantly used an Indian stereotype in their ad. now, a a Chinese stereotype?
  • horses racing. guy talking really, really fast. Shaq is on a horse way in the back. he apparently gave his horse something with vitamin C and taurine, and the horse catches up and passes everyone. he chugs Vitamin Water in the winner's circle.
    • Shaq? how the mighty have fallen. i thought you couldn't go any lower than Kazaam. apparently, i was wrong.
  • cavemen pushing a rock. they say they'll never make it to party. guy invents a wheel to get the bud light to the party. they put bud light on the wheel, and carry it...using it as a slab, instead of making four of them and rolling the bud light there. they get to party, and try to use a rock to open the bottle. FAIL.
    • caveman jokes have gotten so old.
  • chick in a red dress is posing in pictures; her security guards are there in case anyone tries anything bad. creepy fans are there hitting on her, trying to lick her, et cetera...and the guards do nothing. finally a non-skeezy guy gives her ice breakers gum. she shivers, and the guards tackle the guy. she's sad.
    • the ad wasn't clever, and i don't have anything clever to say in response.
  • guy speeds down a dark wet road. avoids a deer. avoids a goth. almost hits Richard Simmons, avoids him too, at the last minute. he's taking advantage of his Bridgestone tires.
    • this was better than the squirrel spot. i love it when Richard Simmons appears in spots where he knows he's getting made fun of for being completely obnoxious. it's so meta, and it's still funny.
  • sad guy in a dark, dingy office says "i wish i had a new job" some cartoon lightning bug shows up...did someone day wish? they sing about wishes, and wish on a star for a new job. the star falls out of the sky. the guy realises that bug is a really huge, ugly spider outside. wishing doesn't do anything to get you a new job, but apparently career builder does.
    • a little less icky than the heart ad...the spider looked decently fake, thank goodness. not bad, not good, just meh.
  • a guy is driving what the announcer refers to as "a luxury car the genesis," around a mountain. he compares it to Mercedes cars. he then says we all must be expecting a crazy twist since it's a super bowl ad. here it is: the car's a hyundai.
    • they're not the first moderately priced car company to compare their cars to the known luxury brands, and they won't be the last.
  • trailer for Wall-E. Buzz and Woody from Toy Story are watching TV, eating popcorn, and watching Wall-E the robot get attacked by a vacuum hose. Woody harasses Buzz, telling him that Wall-E wants to save the world, and that Wall-E has gone to infinity and beyond. inside the TV, Wall-E sucks a bug into the vacuum hose,, and is sad about it. he tries to get the bug back...and then the vacuum explodes.
    • squee! cute! i'm a sucker for Pixar, what can i say?
  • trailer for Jumper: no clear plot. some waves. some money. people running around. cars running through windows. a voice talking about how God should be the only one who can be all places at all times.
    • hackneyed, boring action movie, ahoy!
  • shows a baby. the baby says in an adult voice that he should be too young to trade, but that he uses E-Trade, which is easy. he clicks a few times, and brags about how he just traded a stock. he then spits up.
    • yuck. yuckier than the heart ad. i'm less likely to use E-Trade now. epic fail.
  • yet another one of those cancelled features of Bud Light ads. this time, it says Bud Light gives you the ability to fly. a guy is holding a Bud Light and flying, but then gets hit by an airplane. Bud Light is still refreshing, but won't make you fly anymore.
    • please stop this ad campaign. it's still old.
so ends the third quarter.

epic adblog: the 2nd quarter.

on to the 2nd quarter. will it be better? i can't see how it can get worse.

  • acorn drops into the road. a squirrel runs after it. squirrel sees car and screams. all other animals yell a lot. the woman in the passenger seat of the car. the man in the driver seat is the only one not screaming; he loves it. he swerves to avoid the squirrel. squirrel and driver are in cahoots. bridgestone tires.
    • kind of cute that the driver and the squirrel were in cahoots. still, not so clever.
  • Doritos brags about giving emerging artists the biggest possible stage. cut to Kina Grannis singing a song called "Message from your Heart," which is basically a lot of bum bum bum over acoustic, jangly guitar.
    • her voice was cute, but the song was boring. furthermore, EMERGING? what the hell? she's already signed to Interscope, a major label! what a crock.
  • "i'm looking for Roxane"...people are walking around France, asking. cut to a factory--Roxane is Cargill's ingredient mixing robot.
    • way to make a mockery of
  • trailer for Wanted: basically, thirty seconds of shooting guns and making out.
    • borrrrrring.
  • Derek Jeter walks around, talking about how people like to watch games and highlights. he wants to portray that he's always in the game. he's drinking a bottle of G2, and everything he walks past turns into part of a baseball park.
    • trite "storyline", but really cool special effects.
  • roomful of people watching Super Bowl, except for one guy on the computer. he said he used to watch for the commercials, but then mentions that the Danica Patrick GoDaddy ad was only online this year. everyone watching the Super Bowl runs over to see the ad on the computer.
    • i get it. they had an ad that was too racy for television a few years ago. they should stop milking this by running ads telling people to go see their ad online. it was cute the first time. it doesn't stand up to repetition.
  • guy walking down street. a cop spanks his ass. people all start pointing at him...stopping, hooting, waving, clapping, patting his shoulder, hounding him. some random chick even makes out with him. he sits down and opens his dell (red) computer, and starts playing on it.
    • why didn't they just hoot at, holler at, grope, and slap the computer?
  • a guy brags about solving the shipping problems with carrier pigeons. the pigeons have night vision and GPS. the boss asks about heavy things. they have mutant pigeons who can carry packages and cargo for a short distance...only to drop it. [cut to chaos caused by man-sized pigeons.] the boss is mad, and demands to switch to FedEx.
    • i get it. many shipping ideas are stupid. using a shipping company is smart. hasn't this concept been done before? many, many times?
  • cars.com had him prepared...he was going to have the car dealer fight Linkdor in a stone circle death match, but cars.com gave him enough reliable information to let him show up and purchase the car without having to do anything with the dealer.
    • i have no idea what you're talking about, so here's a bunny with a pancake on its head.
  • guy in a job interview. he's talking to the boss, but there's this really distracting noise--which ends up being a talking stain on his shirt. the boss can't hear what the job candidate is saying, he can only hear [and look at] the really annoying stain. Tide To Go can take car of the talking stains.
    • alright, this one was pretty clever. the talking stain was extremely annoying, but i've got to hand them one for originality here.
  • [missed an ad]
  • rocky theme plays. the ad shows a clydesdale horse running in rain, snow, good weather, bad. he runs fast, he runs slow. he pulls trains and cargo. one year later...horse is introduced to the clydesdale hitch.
    • not quite as restrained as the budweiser clydesdales ads i'm used to. sort of cute, but very trite.
  • trailer for Ironman...basically a shiny robot flying around to a rage against the machine riff.
    • Yet Another Comic Book Movie.
  • living the dream with the all-new Toyota Corolla. sleeping angry badgers in the Corolla. they brag about how quiet the cabin is...a driver is sitting in the car with these angry sleeping badgers. they shoot cannons right outside the car. the badgers stay asleep. the guy's phone rings. he is attacked by an angry badger.
    • badgers are inherently amusing. i have to give them a point for putting angry badgers in the car, and not something else so trite. the old-school cannons were kind of cool, too. i liked this one.
  • trailer for Leatherheads...basically a bunch of people in old-style football helmets feuding and beating on each other.
    • zzzzzzzzzz.
  • old style car speeding through paris. goes through gate, through streets. the driver is getting help from his Garmin GPS. he finally finds where he's supposed to go...in the middle of the woods. napoleon gets out of the car, , sticks the unit in his outfit...and leads army of horses. gets som strange looks from other soldiers.
    • okay, this ad was pretty shiny....best ad of the first half, by far.
  • woman looking at computer, is sad. guy laughing. repeat. her heart lands on her computer, and starts laughing. it walks into the guy's room, holds up a sign that says says "i quit", and walks away. follow your heart: career builder.
    • the concept is cute. the bleeding heart? ewwwwww. ruined it.
  • multicoloured lizards are dancing to Thriller. cut to some chick dancing to Thriller. wash, rinse, repeat. some of teh lizards have grillz. they start climbing on the chick. they then show some bottles of SoBe Life Water.
    • what in the world was that? i saw no point to that ad.
  • drug dealer outside a convenience store is complaining about lack of business. "half my customers don't need me any more, they get high for free from the medicine cabinet." message: teens are getting high on prescription drugs, so safeguard the medicines--it's not always illegal drugs that are doing it.
    • surprisingly non-preachy for a Campaign For A Drug-Free America ad.
  • white screen. shadow. sisyphus in a line drawing. why push? why change? why grow? he keeps pushing. why dream? questions you don't have to ask yourself when you never say it's good enough. when you never say, it can't be done. he keeps pushing. when you never say never. it gets to the top. not sisyphus after all. GMC Yukon hybrid.
    • a hybrid Enormous Fucking SUV?! i guess it's better than a fully gas-powered Enormous Fucking SUV, but how about getting a smaller car already?
  • american chicks love a foreign accent...guys are failing miserably at hitting on people. ["you have the thighs of a Sherpa?"] Carlos Mencia fails, too. girl is already with short, dorky Indian guy who can say "Bud Light."
    • PLEASE stop with the Carlos Mencia English Lessons already. they got old a long time ago.
  • trailer for the new Narnia movie coming out May 16th, Prince Caspian. lots of knights, horses, lions, medieval warfare.
    • more of the same. i saw the first movie. it wasn't bad. i'm betting this one will likewise be...not bad.
  • man and woman in an elevator. man looks at woman lustfully. woman is UGLY...awfully gaudy makeup, buck teeth, pink eighties shirt...just horrific. woman walks out. everyone is looking at her and smiling and flirting. she goes home...and it turns out her secret is...rubbing Planters Cashews on her scent points.
    • ewwww. disgusting. nothing else to say.
  • Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade are celebrating about something. they are incessantly on the phone because Barkley KEEPS CALLING HIM. who's in your Fave 5? [T-Mobile]
    • boring concept, dully executed.
  • people sitting at a table. guy has straws in his nose. Justin Timberlake gets blown out of the restaurant, into the street. up the building, out, into the water, across a field, down a sidewalk...and then he keeps getting his balls smashed into a mailbox pole...then down the street again. he keeps going closer...to a bikini babe drinking pepsi, because every sip of pepsi gets you closer to Justin Timberlake. he then gets hit by an HDTV, because pepsi gets you closer to that, too.
    • o.O [the look on my face as i watched this ridiculous, contrived excuse for an ad.]
  • Doritos bag getting set on table. chip into a mousetrap, as he sits and watches. crappy operal music in background. man-sized rat comes out of rat hole and starts beating the stuffing out of the guy.
    • can i get that rat to come accost the people making these ads tonight?
  • a bunch of cars are driving around a huge engine, and then through it. Daytona 500 is in two weeks, apparently.
    • NASCAR? really? can't we just have another NFL season or something? or start baseball early?
  • dude on TV has shaving cream on his face, and some woman on TV is touching him. no one is watching. he jumps out of the televison and then starts looking for Ted, his target, age 18-35. he walks around, has a sign, runs down the street, and finally gets arrested in his quest. cut to a promo for "IdeaCast...TV that hits a moving target."
    • never heard of IdeaCast. maybe this ad would make a little more sense if they told us a little more than some vague promise of tailoring messages to demographics.
so ends the second quarter. they had no new ads over halftime...so see you again in the third quarter!

epic adblog: the 1st quarter!

welcome to the epic 2008 edition of the Persecuted Crack Smoker Super Bowl Ad Liveblog!!

the first thing i noticed was not ad-related, but definitely rantworthy. at 5:00 when i turned on Fox [after watching an exhilarating and completely adorable Puppy Bowl!], it said on the screen that Fox and the NFL were dedicating "this depiction of the declaration of independence" to our troops. what? that's a phrase i never thought i'd see. dedicating a depiction of the declaration of independence? that's more hollow than those silly magnets that people put on cars.

anyway, on to the ads! even though they show some new ads before the game, i define "Super Bowl Ads" as ads that play after the kickoff of the game. anything before the game isn't the Super Bowl--it's Stupid Pregame Fluff, and nothing about Stupid Pregame Fluff is worth blogging about unless it's sickeningly stupid [like the dedication] or riotously funny [no dice there].
  • bud light. everything you want in a beer...trying to make it look classy. then, buy and girlfriend at dinner table. they need to light candles. guy has ability to breathe fire. he lights the candles...then starts coughing fire because he's allergic to the cat. fire everywhere. pissed off girlfriend and cat with singed hair.
    • this is a continuation of the ad campaign about special features no longer available in Bud Light. it's just as stupid as the other ones. FAIL.
  • mansion with pool. violins. rumpled bed. guy sleeping in it. he lifts the covers and looks horrified. he's covered in sludge; he lifts his comforter to find a car grille at the foot of his bed. it's a godfather horse-head scene spoof. "old luxury has been put on notice"...cut to shiny audi R8 driving away from the mansion.
    • the concept didn't quite work. with the sludge and the car part in his bed, it seemed like his car was angry at him for treating it badly, not that his old luxury car had been supplanted by some new luxury car. i see where
  • announcers announcing inf ront of a super bowl ad. "what is love" starts playing. people are all falling asleep. at an awards show, farm, convention, fatory, game show, restaurant, park, valet, everywhere. sleeping. woman starts passing out Diet Pepsi Max. everyone drinks, and suddenly starts dancing like the guys on Night At The Roxbury. Chris Kattan walks by at the end, past two people doing the Roxbury dance, and yells at them.
    • kind of cute to see Chris Kattan taking people to task for doing something he popularized, but it took way too long to get to the joke.
  • cartoon boss yells at a cartoon employee: "ramesh! you're my worst salesman!" tells him to double sales or he's fired; boss doesn't care that ramesh has a family. he needs to double sales. he searches salesgenie.com and gets some sales leads. cut to acme widget sales awards ceremony. top seller award goes to him. obnoxious stereotypical Indian voice hawks SalesGenie.com.
    • i love the fact that the company is called "Acme Widget." i hated the rest of the ad. it was the same thing SalesGenie has done every other time they've made an ad, only worse-produced and more blatantly playing off of an ethnic stereotype.
  • wine and cheese party in a living room. guy has enormous cylinder of cheese. "dude, that's some serious cheese." bud light was in the cheese. wine in the bread. television hidden in another box. finally, one of the guys walks out of the kitchen, past the women, and says he's going on another cheese run.
    • really, my friend Geoff said it best: "So guys like beer and sports and girls like wine and cheese? Got it." that ad was so unoriginal.
  • guy chained to a tire. show Under Armour shoes. guy running through tires. show Under Armour shoes. people sliding on ice. show Under Armour shoes. guy chained to bungee cords. show Under Armour outfit. streets full of people wearing Under Armour. guy lifting a sign on chains. "you are the new prototypes...the future is ours" speech...grunted in front of a bunch of people.
    • the second half of this ad felt like a knock off of the dance-party scene from The Matrix Reloaded.
so ends the first quarter. nothing very good. sigh.

the super bowl

two super-bowl related comments:
  1. i'm pulling for the giants. not that i particularly like them...in fact, i prefer to root against sports teams from new york. however, when my other choice is the patriots, i have no choice but to root for the giants. boston sports fans are so annoying, and they don't need anything else to pompously gloat about. it'll be hilarious if, after winning their last eighteen games, the patriots' season becomes all of a sudden meaningless because they lost the only game that really matters.
  2. i won't be liveblogging the game...but i will be liveblogging the ads. that's why i usually watch the super bowl anyway...the ads. this year, i've actually been paying attention to football, so i'm watching it for both the game and the ads. but, unless the niners are playing...my heart is truly with the advertisements. i'm not particularly optimistic since the ads have been so terrible for the last couple of years, but i'm going to watch and comment anyway. even if the rest of them suck--at least the super bowl is always good for a hysterical Emerald Nuts ad, which is enough to keep me coming back.

Ceci n'est pas une rickroll.

Ceci n'est pas une rickroll.

getting mugged sucks.

i got mugged tonight.

it's really weird...it almost doesn't feel like anything happened. all i can do is laugh about it, although i know it's not actually funny. but...what else is there to do?

my friend and i went to a concert at the Creepy Crawl tonight. it's not in the worst neighbourhood, but it's not in the best either. it's right near all the swanky theatres, and not too far from SLU...but it's just a block south of Delmar, and near a lot of vacant lots and fairly sketchy things. it's sort of on the fringe between Nice Shiny Midtown and Scary North City.

we left the concert around 11:15 or so, and walked back to the car. we got back to my friend's car, about two blocks from the Creepy...i was on the passenger side of the car, and my friend was on the driver's side. this middle-aged guy was following us, mumbling something, his hand out. i just assumed he was a beggar asking for money, so i shook my head and continued along toward where i was going, the same way i react when any beggar asks me for money.

my alarms went off when he didn't act in the same way as any old beggar. usually, if you shake your head and say "no, sorry," they walk away. not this guy. he kept coming closer. he had one hand out, and the other in his pants pocket. he got up about a foot from me, and said, "i've got a gun. give me all your money, or i'll blow your head off."

i don't know if he really had a gun or not. i didn't notice a bulge, but obviously i wasn't going to test him on the matter. if he was going to shoot me anyway, he was going to shoot me anyway. if he was going to leave me alone if i coughed up the cash...fine. i'll take whatever chance i had to get away from there with my life. i didn't care if he had a gun or not. the threat was more than enough. i gave him all my money, my purse, my cards, everything, looked at my friend on the other side of the car, and implored her to to the same. she tossed her money across the car. the robber took my cash, but gave me my purse and cards back.

[it was weird. when i was giving him all my stuff, i couldn't even think about the gun. i thought it was a foregone conclusion that i would be shot either way, so my brain stayed away from that as a defense mechanism. i was just really not looking forward to cancelling my cards and getting a new ID--probably not the most practical or logical things to be thinking about when my gut feeling was that i was going to be shot, but that's how my brain worked. i was oddly relieved when i got the rest of my stuff back--i was far more concerned about that stuff than i was about the forty bucks in my pocket.]

he then said something about a car. i thought i heard him say "give me the car." my friend thought she heard "get in the car." it was apparently the latter...as we started to get in the car, he was going away from us. we got in the car, my friend locked the door, and she drove away.

she called the police, who arrived soon after. we gave the police officer a description which was radioed to other cars in the area...and within fifteen minutes, they brought over someone they had apprehended in the area who partially fit our description. after getting a good look at him, the guy they brought over was very clearly not the guy who mugged us. so, the policeman gave us a case number and let us go...and the mugger is still at large.

it's so strange. i'm shocked it took me this long to get mugged. i've lived in cities since i was seventeen, and been far more cavalier about safety than i was tonight. tonight, i was with a friend, in a pretty well-lit area, with my wits about me. i wasn't walking around in the dark, alone, completely out of it. but, you can never tell when it's going to happen...it just will, eventually, in a city.

we both left unhurt...he ran off with our money, but he didn't kill either of us, hurt either of us, or even steal anything from us other than our cash. it's hard to say what if any lasting effect this incident will have on me. i'll probably be more careful when i go out. i'll look over my shoulder a lot more, and try not to walk home alone late at night down that sketchy stretch of Delmar near my apartment. i'll be a little more on edge for a while. but, i hope the jumpiness dulls soon...i don't want this to make me scared of going out in the town.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

legal writing: don't be this guy

Wesley Snipes was recently acquitted of tax fraud, though convicted of not filing tax returns for a period of six years.

the New York Times published his amended tax return and tax statement. basically, it's a long, convoluted argument he makes for why he is not a United States citizen subject to the tax code. a rather priceless rung of this argument appears on page 14, in which he proclaims his "Divorce from the United States" and states that the IRS' attempt to define him as a "person" under the tax code is identity theft.

he cites to some legal resources of dubious authority: most questionable of all a pamphlet cited on page 8 called Why Your Government Is Either A Thief Or You Are A 'Public Official' For Federal Income Tax Purposes. this pamphlet is issued by the Sovereignty Education and Defense Ministry, a bizarre Bible-thumping anti-IRS group that appears to be a subsidiary of Family Guardian.1 further in the document, he cites to other SEDM documents, although no more with such rambling, grammatically incorrect titles as that one. nothing says grasping at straws like citing to the Family Guardian.

however, that citation is not even the most bizarre part of the document. that crown goes to this passage on the bottom of page 10, in which Wesley Snipes, in his infinite wisdom, threatens the IRS:

"Warning: pursuit of such a high profile target will open the door to your increased collateral risk, resulting from the exposure of substantive material issues in dispute and government illegal activities, contained in the administrative record BUT hidden from the general public and or jury. I certainly don't believe this is in your best interest and can be avoided."

i don't even think that Blade, in his Vampire Hunting Cape of Awesomeness, could get the Internal Revenue Service to bow down to that.

***
1 seriously. if you have an hour or two to kill and you want to satisfy your train wreck syndrome like never before, start poking around Family Guardian. the web design is some of the worst on the internet, and the content causes images of fundie unabombers to start dancing in your head.

Friday, February 01, 2008

it's bacon!

mmm, bacon.
mmm, bad philosophy puns.
two gre at tastes that taste great together.



*fries up some nice, tasty bacon for Metal Steve and Indie Rock Pete*

whiplash!

headline news is on in the lounge. most of it is boring...blah blah blah election...blah blah blah weather...so i'm not really paying attention. but, i looked up at the screen when i was scanning the room.--and saw Whiplash, the Cowboy Monkey!

i started squeeing. a lot. people probably thought i was nuts.

it always makes me happy to see him. i first saw him four years ago--and he's still just as amusing as ever. for goodness' sake, it's a monkey riding a dog!



and seriously? there are few things more awesome than a monkey riding a dog.