Thursday, January 31, 2008

i love a quiet winter.

if you have twenty minutes to kill and a place where you can laugh heartily without being scorned or fired, click here.

i'd try to explain it, but i just can't. it must be read in its entirety to be fully understood and savoured.

the last refuge: killing your childhood since 2003

i present to you the best sentence from a news article that i've seen in a very, very long time:

"Jail records indicate Mouse also goes by the aliases "Buzz Lightyear" and "Donnie Duck" and was arrested on felony drunk driving charges in 2005."

got to admire the guy for his spunk.

anacoluthon

i was playing free rice this morning and i learned a fantastic word: anacoluthon.

what's even better is the definition of anacoluthon: an abrupt grammatical shift.

i love this word. i love this word. i love this word. i love this word. i love this word.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

pick me! pick me!

i just took the Jeopardy online test.

i wish they told you the answers at the end, or gave you a list of the questions. they don't. i did as well as i could; i definitely got most of them. [although NOT all of them...some of them i had no idea about!]

so, i'm keeping my fingers crossed, and hoping i get a call from Jeopardy asking me to follow up with an audition in person. i've wanted to be on that show since i was a little girl, adding up my score with a calculator every night when i watched it.

1, 1, 2, 3. 1, 1, 2, 3. 1, 1, 2, 3. 1, 1, 2, 3. 5...eureka!

best airline sale ever: the fibonacci sequence sale.

yes. Spirit Airlines is selling certain tickets for $1, $2, $3, $5, $8, $13, $21, $34, and $55 for the rest of the day today. sure, there aren't a lot of really cheap tickets, but still the principle of the thing is hilarious.

epoch win.

if you google "epoch fail" in quotation marks...this blog is the first hit you get.

if you google it without quotations marks...it's also the first hit you get.

score.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

a new nickname?

one of the ladies behind the counter at the law school cafe has started calling me "five-dollar" every time she sees me.

"five-dollar," as in Candy the Five-Dollar Whore from Let's Kill.

this amuses me a lot more than it should.

no lawsuit writer left behind the prison gates

some friends and i had a state of the union party last night. watching the speech was fun...specifically because we were playing the state of the union drinking game, and booze is really the only thing that will stop me from stabbing myself if i'm watching the president speak.

the funniest part of the evening, however, had nothing to do with the game. it was just me and one of my friends in the room at the time...and the president starts taling about the no child left behind act.

now, both of us are far too amused by jonathan lee riches ©'s lawsuit against the no child left behind act. she had a mental image of the short bus blowing exhaust in jlr©'s face. i had a mental image of jlr© behind the prison gates, and was revelling in my bamboozlement about what a ridiculous idea it was to blame that on the no child left behind act. we simultaneously start laughing so hard we can't breathe.

my two other friends in the apartment walk in and ask us why we're laughing so hard. neither of us can respond with more than a word here or a word there, interspersed with our howling laughter.

i know it makes no sense, but seriously. i haven't laughed that hard in ages.

Monday, January 28, 2008

as a ScavHunter, i will hunt the mighty Scav!

thanks to Joan, i found out there's going to be a grad/alum ScavHunt team this year.

scavhunt falls right smack between the end of finals and my graduation, so i'm going to come into Chicago for it. and...even though i love the Shoreland Scavvies, i'm going to Scav with the grad/alum squad. i just know so few people who are still students, and would feel like i'm impeding if i were busting in after missing the last two Hunts. [the last two hunts, after all, were the weekend right before my summer jobs started, so there was no way to attend them.] with a grad/alum team, we're all in the same boat...people who aren't at the U(c) anymore, but can't quite break the scav habit. i think it's the greatest idea ever, and the best way for me to get back into scavving with likeminded alums.

*squee*

quite frankly, i want some more Cheez Doodles.

i have only fairly recently started reading more sports-related corners of the internet. this video is reportedly legendary amidst the sports blogging circles, but i had not seen it until today.



never again will i be able to look at a bag of Cheez Doodles without cracking up.

***

in other news, i'm down to just one song that i haven't yet five-starred on medium. today i [somehow] managed to five-star "knights of cydonia." i don't know if i'll ever be able to do it again, but i've done it once, and that should count for something!

i still haven't five-starred "raining blood"...but i four-starred it for the first time today. things are looking up.

4 flats

this morning, i got a ridiculous idea for a response to the "toe truck" kitty i posted on here a few days ago.

so...Music Geek Macro Time!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

epoch fail.

xkcd...oh, you kill me with the lulz.

i fail.

i'm already feeling overwhelmed by this week, and the week hasn't even started yet.

i'm a second-semester 3L. i shouldn't be feeling like this.

i'm not even good at being a relaxed, lazy bum.

is it can be bad puns time nao?

as seen on i can has cheezburger...



LOVE.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

you snooze, you lose, indeed.

presenting the greatest alarm clock ever: the SnūzNLūz.

it's an alarm clock that hooks into your bank account. every time you hit the snooze button, it automatically donates an amount of your money to the cause you program in. the theory is...you tell it to donate money to an organization that you hate, so you have strong financial and ideological disincentives to sleep past your wake-up time.

genius, i tell you.

listen to me whine.

i'm watching the Texas A&M/Oklahoma State game on tv. they are now on time out with 3.9 seconds to go.

and the band is playing "basket case" by green day.

what an odd song to be playing at a ballgame.

dumbbell.

i just heard a rather ridiculous ad slogan:

BowFlex SelecTech: dumbbells for smart people.

it's not smart to pay as much as they're charging for those dumbbells. the cheap ones are $149...and the pricey ones are $599.

six hundred dollars? for dumbbells? really?

if you need multiple dumbbell weights, it still seems a lot cheaper to buy the individual sets of plain, cheap dumbbells at the weights you like to use. in fact, it's probably also cheaper to buy a gym membership than to buy such pricey dumbbells.

they're dumbbells for people who have more money than sense.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

there goes my candidate of choice.

now who am i going to vote for in the primaries?

sigh.

you fail at the trial advocacy.

above the law has an article this morning about the most shortbustastic defense evidence i've heard about in a while.

a father in new york is on trial for killing his seven-year-old stepdaughter. the defense entered as evidence a picture of a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug that she bought him for father's day.

i'll be nice. i'll give you a chance to pick your jaw up from the floor. take your time, then read on.

part of me was wondering why the prosecution didn't get the picture of the mug kept out of evidence on relevance grounds. but...letting it in is a masterstroke on the part of the prosecution! it's obvious to any person with some grey matter between their ears that this mug is very, very thin evidence. the prosecution can keep going back to commenting that the defense is so desperate that they would enter such a meaninglessly declaratory piece of evidence, and keep taking jabs that he's anything but the world's greatest dad.

the defense attorney should have thought of that before doing something so ridiculous.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

defense!

funniest screenshot ever on deadspin this morning:



any further suggestions for what defense is? this sign is a pretty good example, if the fan's favourite bowler's adversary is easily amused. or, you could always yell "booga-booga" at the bowler when they're trying to bowl.

or, as one esteemed commenter suggested, a goat would suffice.

oh, you Schmuck!

this morning i'm reading a mail fraud case for my white collar crime class. the case has the most apt name ever: Schmuck v. United States (489 U.S. 705).

the Schmuck in question is a used car distributor.

i can't read this case without laughing. observe:

"The alleged fraud was a common and straightforward one. Schmuck purchased used cars, rolled back their odometers, and then sold the automobiles to Wisconsin retail dealers for prices artificially inflated because of the low-mileage readings."

"Evidence at trial indicated that Schmuck had employed a man known only as "Fred" to turn back the odometers on about 150 different cars."

"Once the full flavor of Schmuck's scheme is appreciated, the critical distinctions between this case and the three cases in which this Court has delimited the mail fraud statute...are readily apparent."

"Moreover, a failure in this passage of title would have jeopardized Schmuck's relationship of trust and goodwill with the retail dealers upon whose unwitting cooperation his scheme depended. Schmuck's reliance on our prior cases limiting the reach of the mail fraud statute is simply misplaced."


what a schmuck.

Monday, January 21, 2008

long morning breaks: a requiem

as stupid as this sounds, i really miss having a four-hour break between classes like i did last semester. i loved sitting at that table in the corner of the law school lounge and hanging out most of the day. i loved being able to do most of my reading during that break, or at least from 11am until noon when everyone else i knew was in class. i loved rounding up whoever happened to be in the lounge for a rousing game of let's kill.

sure, i like sleeping in...not having class until 10am is nice. last year i had that 8am class, and getting up at 6:46 in the morning three days a week was rough. but...having so little lounge time at school, or at least forcing that lounge time to the less-interesting afternoons, makes me a little sad.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

an interesting spirituality

yet another reason why Rock of Love 2 is Short Bus Special:

"i'm looking for a woman i have a spiritual connection with. and...any woman who is willing to lick chocolate mousse off her own breast? that's a spiritual connection right there."

way to go, Bret Michaels. way to go.

more advice.

it's a new semester...and that means i've got a new advice column.

i'll actually have new columns every week for the time being. the other writer isn't writing anymore, so until they find a new columnist, i'll be writing every week. that is awesome...as long as i can think of enough topics.

Friday, January 18, 2008

usury

a couple of years ago they started running those CashCall ads on television. i always found them really scary. all they said was "need cash? make the CashCall." it didn't discuss the specifics of the loans; it didn't discuss any of the terms. all it said was to call them and get cash.

thanks to increased scrutiny on the usury industry, payday loans and other nontraditional lending institutions are having to disclose more information in advertisements, and warn people of the obvious fact that they have to pay the loans back in a timely fashion. this is necessary...these places advertise on daytime television, billboards, and bus shelters, preying on people who are short on cash and desperate enough to fall for the quick fix they are selling, not realizing how expensive such a "solution" will be in the end.

now, the CashCall ads have a disclaimer telling people to make sure they can pay the monthly payments before taking out a loan. that's not the part i found remarkable. at the end of the new ad, it says in the fine print that the average APR on one of these CashCall loans is 99.25%.

O.O

*jaw drop*

at least they are disclosing that fact now. but, such a high interest rate should not be relegated to the fine print. almost 100% APR? if there weren't already so much proof that a lot of these companies are in business to steal from whoever will fall for it, this is surely it. it's disgusting.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

the stupidity chronicles, continued...

overheard on Rock of Love 2:

"there are a lot of things going on in the world, and a lot of it i learned about through MySpace."

...as i weep for humanity.

edit: wow. i have to give Bret Michaels credit on this one. he kicked the vapid chick who said this off the show at the end of that episode!

bullies.

i am addicted to Scrabulous.

it's the first internet Scrabble interface that doesn't suck...and it has successfully pulled me into internet Scrabble after almost twenty years of playing board-and-tiles Scrabble.

i started playing in September. i have finished 208 games since then, and am in the middle of 14 more. i play from home. i play from class. i play from coffee houses and libraries. i play everywhere.

and now, Hasbro is sending cease and desist letters to Scrabulous.

i'm not surprised. the game is a dead ringer for board-and-tiles Scrabble. the letter values are the same, the bonus structure is the same, and the rules are the same. it's Scrabble. if the copyright on Scrabble is still valid, which it probably is under the ever-extended copyright terms [thanks, Disney!], then Scrabulous is almost certainly copyright infringement.

but, i hope they can strike some kind of a bargain, some kind of licensing deal. it's a fantastic program with a huge player base. it's great to play with friends, and it's great to play with random people i don't know. if they could strike a licensing deal and even charge a reasonable monthly fee, i don't care. i play enough on there, and enjoy it enough, that i would pay to continue using the game.

i just don't want them to kill Scrabulous. they killed a different site, e-Scrabble, in 2005...and they've also already licensed the digital rights to the game to EA, who has done nothing with them yet. what they really need to do is buy the rights back from EA and sell them to Scrabulous...there really is no sense in having no workable online version of Scrabble, and no sense in waiting for EA to deign to develop something when such a good one--and also a popular one--already exists.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

gasoline safety tips!

occasionally the persecuted crack smoker can provide helpful advice for your everyday life. today is one of those days.

if you are going to drink alcohol, that's fine. certain alcoholic drinks are really tasty, and being tipsy is a lot of fun. but, when you are drinking alcohol, make sure that all of the bottles around you are potable substances. bottles of beer? check. bottles of vodka? check. bottles of water? check.

bottles of gasoline? not so much.

i'm sorry for not posting this sooner. it's too late to save a fifty-six year old man in Germany from injury, although hopefully he has learned his lesson and will not forget it. he was drinking alcohol, but had a bottle of gasoline within handy reach. he picked up the wrong bottle and took a swig. luckily he wasn't so drunk that he swallowed it. but, he was so shocked [drunk?] that he wasn't paying attention where he spit the gasoline...and he sprayed it right on top of his lit cigarette. this, of course, started a fire that set his apartment ablaze and burned him badly enough that he had to go to the hospital.

this leads to a second bit of advice, which i'm giving you free with the price of admission: don't spit gasoline on top of something that's on fire. in fact, if you want to cover all your bases, avoid smoking near flammable things like gasoline.

if you follow these simple precepts, your life should be a lot happier...or, at least, you'll spend a little less of your time on fire.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

\m/

holy moly. Fox Sports Net is playing "If I Were You" by Janus before the Duke game.

local Chicago rock for the win.

the most important case of Jack's life...

if 24 were actually this awesome, i'd watch it:

beam me up.

justia news is holding out on me. friday they posted the names of over a hundred new jonathan lee riches © suits, but they haven't posted the text of any of them yet! i'm going nuts here...i need a dose of new insanity!

even though it is not new insanity, i decided to go back to reading some very funny things that i haven't thumbed through in a while: james traficant's one-minute speeches. they contain some very funny attempts at making figures of speech out of marginally political content. they use the phrase "beam me up" a lot. and, they kept me sane when i was working at the law library during undergrad...whenever i had to stamp and glue pockets to any copies of the congressional record, i'd try to take a second and flip through, just to see if there were any traficant one-minute speeches in the volume. it always made me happy if i could find one or two.

here's an example of a good one, for your amusement:

October 27, 1999
Mr. Speaker, a 1992 law designed to save water said that the old standard 3 1/2 gallon toilet must be replaced with a 1 1/2 gallon streamlined job. It sounds good, but Americans have been flushing away ever since. It has gotten so bad there is now a black market on old reliables. It is no joke. Americans are getting potty fatigue flushing their own toilet.

If that is not enough, Members of the other side, to squeeze your Charmin, if you get caught flushing an old reliable in your own home, it is a $2,500 fine.

Beam me up here. I say the nincompoop over at EPA who suggested this policy should go to a proctologist for a brain scan. Flush this.

I yield back all the constipation over this issue and urge us to bring old reliable back to its appropriate throne.


i swear, i can spend hours reading these things and snickering as his goofy turns of phrase. i should be doing schoolwork, but judges aren't as dependably funny as old jim traficant.

what now, brit?

some people thought britney spears hit rock bottom with her quickie 55-hour marriage to childhood friend jason alexander.

they were wrong.

others [including this humble blogger] thought she hit rock bottom with her marriage to cletus the slack-jawed yokel.

we were wrong. somehow, fed-ex is far more together than she is...and far less sleazy.

and now...marriage number three? to a paparazzo lover? that i've never heard of? in a scientology ceremony?

i won't make the mistake of assuming that this marriage is rock-bottom for her. she's been too crazy over the last few years for me to believe that anything is her low point--with the possible exception of her going on national television and having danny bonaduce snort coke off her ass, or vice versa.

but...it's still pretty bizarre, if it indeed happens.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

some special ice

i wanted a tall, cold glass of milk this morning to go with my breakfast. that seemed like an easy enough request, as i have a full bottle of milk in my fridge.

however, i was thwarted. that bottle of milk was frozen.

how does milk freeze in a fridge?!

i turned the cold settings down...but that's ridiculous. my orange juice isn't frozen. my pop isn't frozen. my food isn't frozen. it's just my milk.

*shakes head in confusion*

Friday, January 11, 2008

in defense of divorce...and a racy ad campaign.

fantastic post on above the law today.

i hadn't heard of the "Life is short. Get a divorce." ad campaign by Fetman, Garland, and associates. apparently it has been fairly controversial in Chicago, but being out of town i've missed the entire story. the billboards are pretty racy:



i love it. it's cheeky. it's clever. it turns heads.

people are complaining that the ads encourage divorce. sure they do! that's why the ads are good!

a lot of couples get into marriages nowadays without realising what they're trying to promise. they promise the rest of their lives to someone...and often, later, realise that it's rash. i wholeheartedly believe that "forever" is an unrealistic promise for most people in relationships. but, there's societal pressure to marry and stay married. sure, it's definitely lessening--society is on its way. but, anything that encourages people to start thinking seriously that "'til death do us part" may not be the most realistic option ever is a good thing, because it helps relieve that pressure to marry and stay married.

until society abolishes civil marriage, or at least switches to a marriage contract that is renewable every few years instead of binding until death or divorce, the best we can do is to get people to thoughtfully consider the matter. this means, first and foremost, discouraging people from getting married in the first place unless they are fully informed and fully sure of the lifetime commitment that their word is promising. this also requires destigmatizing divorce and making it more accessible.

life is short. if people see the light and realise a relationship is unsalvageably wrong for them, it should be as easy as possible for them to reclaim their life. some people, and some relationships, are cut out for lifelong commitments. let these people stay together forever. but, some people aren't...and too many of these people get carried away and tied down with promises they can't keep. this leaves these people with two less-than-happy choices: bitterly staying in a marriage they don't want to be in or getting a divorce. with those being the choices, it's best for people to feel as comfortable as possible with admitting their mistake, divorcing, and moving on with their lives.

on a more whimsical note...what's even better? according to today's ATL post, the bombshell in the ads is none other than Corry Fetman, one of the principals of the firm. i say, way to go. if you're confident enough to flaunt your body like that instead of getting a model to do the ads for you, do it!

easiest. law. school. credit. ever.

wow.

that final i was so worried about? not a trap at all. i picked it up after class, and decided i'd take a quick look at it before i left school, just to see if it actually was as easy as my professor claimed it would be. it was. i sat down, filled it out, checked and rechecked my work out of my innate sense of paranoia, and turned the test in.

the entire process took about twenty-five minutes.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

yesterday i had no money...but today i have Mo Money!

ads for industries that really need to show a little class are going further and further downhill. first, it was car insurance companies. then came car dealers and technical schools.

now, we've hit a new low: tax services. there are several tax services running some pretty bad ads, but one of them is running away with top dishonours: Mo Money Taxes.

this ad has been coming on my television once every half hour or so. just watch it. it's absurd, it's cheesy, and it leaves me scratching my head as to why anyone thought it was a good idea to play "Crank That" by Soulja Boy [the "Superman Dat Ho" song] in a tax service ad.



this one isn't showing in st. louis...but it does have one of the worst lines i've ever heard in an ad.



sorry. scruffy white guys should never, never, ever refer to something being "on like a pot of neck bones." not right. that same scruffy white guy should also refrain from emulating Master P1:



their ads are funny, but i don't think i'd trust a business that ran such ridiculous ads to prepare my taxes.

***
1 embarrassing confession: i like "I Got The Hook-Up." it's catchy, really catchy. it amuses me. but, i can promise this: never will i ever sing that song or attempt to groan like Master P in public.

what what?

a train wreck, first spotted on the leaky brain:



congratulations. you win the Persecuted Crack Smoker Award for the Best Use of Large Black Censoring Boxes.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

good and bad.

the good news: duke won their basketball game tonight.

the bad news: duke played like crap, and it was their last non-conference tune-up game.

the good news: my Intro to Intellectual Property professor said the final exam this weekend will be multiple choice, and should take no more than an hour.

the bad news: IT'S A TRAP!!! [or, at least it feels like one...and it's not a trap i can do anything about, unlike the reading.]

the good news: i got my ethics grade back today. despite the fact that i am not ethical enough to practice law in illinois, i am ethical enough to pass my legal ethics course. bonus: it's not even my worst grade in law school.

the bad news: i'm sick. i feel like i've been run over by a bus.

law school makes you stupid...or at least unfit to watch cartoons.

i'm watching The Backyardigans, and Uniqua and Tasha are bragging about their Laser X-Ray Bone Finder.

all i can think of is that it sounds like a quack invention that would never actually get a patent. silly intersession class.

your associates have been misinformed.

dear people who edit the Wikipedia page on 1990s one-hit wonders,

whichever one of you decided to mark Snow as an act that is not considered a one-hit wonder must have been smoking crack. is that some kind of a joke? or, is there some rabid Snow fan prowling the internet and trying to bolster the reputation of his favourite second-tier early 1990s white rapper?

i love my 1990s one-hit wonders too, but Snow? a lasting artist? not so much.

in persistent confusion,
the persecuted crack smoker

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

the perpetual motion machine works! i promise!

another morning, another day of class. today's lecture in my IP class is awesome...my prof used to be a patent examiner, and today we are discussing patents. therefore, he is telling lots of stories of weird inventors he came into contact with when he was working in the patent office. i almost wish i had a scientific background, because dealing with weirdos who try to patent warp drives and perpetual motion machines would be really amusing. frustrating, sure, but it would lead to some fantastic stories to tell at cocktail parties.

***

in other news...stolen from cashbox, i present what is quite possibly the most awesome meme ever to grace teh webbernets:

1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/special:random:
The article's title is the name of your band.

2) http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3:
The last four words of the last quote is the title of your album.

3) http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/:
The third picture is the cover art for your album.

4) Throw them together using a graphics app. Post the result.


i swear, this album must be made:

Monday, January 07, 2008

six air bags

i saw an ad for a Toyota this evening that pointed out that seven air bags came standard with the car.

i feel vindicated.

on the first day of a microeconomics class i took third year of undergrad, we were learning about cost-benefit analysis. the professor surveyed the class, asking how many air bags we would want to have in a car. he started with one, and counted up. this class had about eighty people in it--and i was the only one in the class who raised her hand when he asked who would pay for six or more air bags in a car.

i was the only one who raised a hand. the professor asked what i was thinking. i explained that i would want one for the driver, one for the passenger, and one side-impact air bag in each door--hence, six for a four-door car. the professor thought i was nuts. my classmates thought i was nuts. in that class, i was known as six air bags for the rest of the semester.

a car now comes standard with seven. who's crazy now?

::pats Jeremy Clarkson on the head::

oh, Jeremy Clarkson. i love all the stupid things you and your colleagues do with cars on Top Gear. but, you should probably refrain from doing equivalently stupid things with your bank account information.

he thought people were flipping out too much about some financial data that was stolen from the government. he didn't think it was a big deal, because he thought more information and signatures were needed than were on the discs before anyone could steal money. so--he published his account information in a column he writes for The Sun.

a little trusting, are we?

one rather enterprising reader decided to prove Dear Mr. Clarkson wrong. he knew that the British Diabetic Association did not require a signature to set up a direct debit...just the bank account information. that was published. in The Sun. and available to everyone. our Dear Reader set up a £500 deposit out of the bank account, to the charity.

and now, Dear Mr. Clarkson is eating his words. at least he reacted with the same amusing wit he has on Top Gear:

"Contrary to what I said at the time, we must go after the idiots who lost the discs and stick cocktail sticks in their eyes until they beg for mercy."

a cookie for the prankster for showing the seriousness of the identity theft risk while giving Clarkson's money to a good cause. another cookie for Clarkson for promptly eating his words and giving me the image of poking identity thieves with cocktail sticks.

ye olde bait and switch

i hate when professors snare students with large amounts of reading without giving proper notice.

i'm taking an intersession class about intellectual property. we had to buy a 420-page textbook for it. the professor told me when i emailed him last week that we didn't have any reading for the first day, but i could read the first seventy pages or so if i really wanted to.

i knew where this was going. i knew it was going to be a trap. i was hoping that it wasn't, and that the professor actually was going to assign a reasonable amount of reading for a one-week class...but i've been in law school so long that i knew better. so...i read. i've read over 150 pages of the 420 page textbook. i was hoping it was overkill, but a little voice in the back of my head told me i needed to.

the voice was right. he came in today and told the class to read the whole book by thursday. that means i still have a lot to read, about 270 pages, but at least i don't have the whole thing to still finish.

stupid law school.

star wars --> ron paul

brilliant political commentary, courtesy of xkcd.



this comic has it right. no other candidate's faithful are so accurately compared to fanboys and fangirls this cycle. he's a cult favourite, and so many people are just so...squeeful about him.

i really don't get it.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

prospective presidents

another primary candidates quiz, this one ganked from nancy__whiskey:

98% Mike Gravel
98% Dennis Kucinich
82% John Edwards
79% Barack Obama
78% Chris Dodd
77% Joe Biden
75% Hillary Clinton
69% Bill Richardson
33% Rudy Giuliani
28% Ron Paul
21% John McCain
16% Mitt Romney
15% Mike Huckabee
12% Tom Tancredo
5% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

unsurprising for me, no?

:D

the new American Gladiators show is hilarious.

and, there's another episode on tomorrow.

WIN.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

...in which Judge Easterbrook benchslaps a modern-day snake oil salesman

i found this story on dreadnaught, and had to mention it here because the court opinion is hilarious.

i'm sure anyone who watched bad daytime or late-night television a few years ago remembers seeing ads for Q-Ray bracelets. the ads had all these happy people wearing this dorky little "ionized" bracelet, claiming how great the bracelets had made their lives. still...they never quite explained how to the satisfaction of anyone who possessed basic capacities of logic.

they claimed that the bracelets were ionized. they weren't. they claimed that the bracelets relieved pain. they didn't. they claimed that the therapeutic effects of the bracelet were tailored to the individual wearer, and faded after a year or two. [after which time, you of course had to buy a new Q-Ray bracelet...]

and, now? the most they claim on their website is that the bracelet has a "design patent." oh boy! special! a patent? really? that's enough to make me want to drop two hundred bucks on one of those ugly things!

*rolls eyes*

i've got a sneaking suspicion that the shrinking of the website's claims had something to do with legal action by the FTC. back in September of 2006, a magistrate judge in the Northern District of Illinois handed down an opinion holding that the claims of the bracelet's power were fraudulent. (this event i remember, as it was the subject of my first Fark.com greenlight, an event that produced much squee in the world of the persecuted crack smoker.)

Q-Ray appealed...and in what may only be described as a brilliant benchslap, Judge Easterbrook of the Seventh Circuit affirmed the magistrate judge in the snarkiest way possible. the entire [rather short] opinion is worth reading, but here are some of the highlights:
  • "WIRED magazine recently put the Q-Ray Ionized Bracelet on its list of the top ten Snake-Oil Gadgets. The Federal Trade Commission has an even less honourable title for the bracelet's promotional campaign: fraud."
  • "The Magistrate judge did not commit a clear error, or abuse his discretion, in concluding that the defendants set out to bilk unsophisticated persons who found themselves in pain from arthritis and other chronic conditions."
  • "For the Q-Ray Ionized Bracelet, by contrast, all statements about how the product works—Q-Rays, ionization, enhancing the flow of bio-energy, and the like—are blather. Defendants might as well have said: 'Beneficent creatures from the 17th Dimension use this bracelet as a beacon to locate people who need pain relief, and whisk them off to their homeworld every night to provide help in ways unknown to our science.'"
  • "They made statements about Q-Rays, ionization, and energy that they knew to be poppycock."
  • "Physicians know how to treat pain. Why pay $200 for a Q-Ray Ionized Bracelet when you can get relief from an aspirin tablet that costs 1¢?"
the maker of the bracelets is required to give $16 million worth of his profits, plus interest, back to customers who bought the bracelets. i love it when a charlatan gets his comeuppance...because as silly as it was for so many consumers to fall for the scam, it's better that the duped members of the public have their money back than for the scammer to keep his ill-gotten gains.

tv troubles

i woke up this morning and my TV set had frozen.

it was weird. i keep my television on overnight. when i woke up the sound was just fine...the sound was the show that's actually on, the show about the football games today. i was following it for a while when i stayed in bed with my eyes shut. but, when i actually put in my contacts and looked at the television, an image was frozen on the screen. it was from SportsCenter, and the time said 5:30 am. i assumed that it was the station's problem...but as it stayed on for several minutes, i thought maybe it was my TV's problem.

turns out, it was. that image had probably been frozen on my television for five hours.

luckily, when i turned my television off and on again, there didn't seem to be a problem. the image is right, the images correspond with the show i'm watching, and nothing is to be burned permanently onto the screen of my television.

still, i'm a little worried that my TV did that. it's still pretty much new--i've only had it since august.

watching her life pass her by...

*squee*

less than 24 hours from now, i'm going to be seeing madina lake at the creepy crawl!

i would say that's full of win, but that's the understatement of the decade. when i saw them over the summer, it was just gripping. their song "adalia" has been my law school theme. it's creepy because even though the people who wrote it have only met me for the briefest times [when they have been in other Chicago bands i've enjoyed], they managed to write a song that painted an immaculate picture of my recent life.

*more squee*

Friday, January 04, 2008

666, what?

i finally five-starred Number of the Beast on Medium! that leaves two songs to go until i've five-starred all of Medium on GH3: Knights of Cydonia (****) and Raining Blood (***).

the weather is schizo, but not THAT schizo.

on a day-to-day scale, the weather anywhere in the midwest can be described as schizophrenic. you'll have a cold day interspersed with warm ones, or vice versa. however, some people take this concept of weird weather a little too far and derive a sense of false hope from it. others, like this Guy #1 who was Overheard in Chicago, have no shame in calling that hope out as nothing more than wishful thinking:

Guy #1: "It's cold, man."
Guy #2: "Yeah, it's super cold. But it's Chicago. If you wait five minutes, the weather will change."
Guy #1: "Really, dumbass? Because 5 minutes ago it was fucking cold, too. I'll be you a million dollars that in 5 more minutes, it'll still be fucking freezing."
Guy #2: "I was just sayin' is all."
- Red Line

Thursday, January 03, 2008

that's what she said...

i love it when xkcd has clearly been reading dinosaur comics.



*sporfle*

the alt-text was just as good as the comic: "it's either 'your mom' jokes or me. then i, like so many men before me, must reluctantly choose your mom."

class meme

meme-age, borrowed from nancy__whiskey. it's the class meme...bold each one that describes you.

The list is based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. The exercise developers ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright.

1. Father went to college

2. Father finished college

3. Mother went to college


4. Mother finished college


5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor.
(my grandmother was an anthropology professor...so, no living relatives. but, i'm really proud of the fact that she was )

6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.

7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home

8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home (i venture to say we may have had five thousand. we had books dating back from when my parents were kids...there was a decent-sized bookshelf in the living room, there were several decent sized bookshelves in the family room with books stacked two or three deep, random stocks of books in other rooms, and boxes of books in the attic. the house was a regular library. i'm quite grateful for this, looking back...as i spent more time with those books growing up than i ever did with real people.)

9. Were read children’s books by a parent

10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18

11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 (i had gymnastics classes for a few years when i was a girl, i took swim lessons one summer, and i took a few months of piano.)

12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively

13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 (haha--right! i didn't have a credit card until i was 24, and even now i'm scared of it and touch it with kid gloves, if at all. something about all the bill collectors calling when i was in high school...)

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs. (nope. it was either scholarships or loans...there's a reason why i'm more in the hole than many of my law school classmates.)

15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.

16. Went to a private high school.

17. Went to summer camp (the only summer programmes i ever did were in high school, and they were fully funded by the state or by the school district.)

18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18 (still never have.)

19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels (usually they involved staying with relatives, but occasionally we would stay in hotels.)

20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18

21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (the Celebrity wasn't a hand-me-down from them, but it was a fifteen-year-old car purchased from the neighbours for a couple hundred dollars.)

22. There was original art in your house when you were a child (a large fixture of pictures that my grandmother had acquired when my father was a kid, when she was doing anthropological work in Africa.)

23. You and your family lived in a single family house

24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home (it wasn't theirs outright...they still owed on the mortgage.)

25. You had your own room as a child (nope...it was a three-bedroom house shared by six people.)

26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18

27. Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course

28. Had your own TV in your room in High School (i had a TV in my room for about a year, around eighth or ninth grade. then, it was taken out.)

29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College (i've got $1000 in a mutual fund, which i acquired about midway through college)

30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16.

31. Went on a cruise with your family

32. Went on more than one cruise with your family

33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up (that role was left to school field trips.)

34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family (my parents never really told me about bills at all. that was always Super Secret Adult Stuff.)

today i am not arbiting cookies. i arbit muffins.

if i have two muffin, i give copyright professor muffin.

no one else gets muffin, since they don't have their first-day assignments online. today i'm feeling a strange rush of productivity, and wanted to knock off as many assignments as possible. and...no syllabi, no nothing.

except for copyright. thus, my copyright professor can has muffin.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

bloggies...

it's that time again...time to nominate blogs for the weblog awards.

if you love me and want to nominate me for anything, awesome. (sorry i don't have a cowboy hat, or any other picture of me that makes me look like a used car salesman, to go with this morning's theme.)

if i suck, but there's some other blog you love, nominate them!

easy as cow-tipping!

i don't pay attention to the nba. professional basketball bores me. i don't have much of an idea of who is really good or really bad, except for LeBron James. i don't really care...college ball is the be-all and end-all of that sport.

however...i've got to hand it to Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors. he made an all-star game campaign video and posted it on YouTube. it's hysterical: it's got a weird 1970s Used Car salesman vibe to it.



i love it. he realises how absurd that it is to campaign for the all-star game, and made a video that doesn't take itself too seriously. i don't know anything about how well he plays because i don't watch or care about the nba. but, i'm going to vote for this guy, because this campaign video is made of win.

yes, i know that voting for someone because of a funny video and not because of his basketball skills may not be a very popular idea. but, i think one of the anchors on First Take this morning had it right: the all-star game doesn't mean anything. it exists to amuse people. so, it's only fitting that someone who has proven himself good at amusing people should go.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

great moments in googling

today someone found this blog by googling the words chuck norris on crack.

more prison performance art.

what better way to ring in the new year than by reading a brand new crop of completely bizarre jonathan lee riches © lawsuits? a ton of new lawsuits were posted today...i'm not enumerating nearly all of them, but here are the best of the best lines.
  • riches © v. Thomas Friedman: "FCI Williamsburg rolled up my New York Times and beat me with them in my mind."
  • riches © v. Altria Group: "I have a right to crave cigarettes. I have no corn cob pipe."
  • riches © v. Steven Zirnkilton: "Defendant is Law & Ordering my illegal treatment in prison."
  • riches © v. WFMY News 2: "I seek $49 million for no news abuse."
  • riches © v. Falun Gong d/b/a The Gong Show
    • are any quotes really necessary here? i think the caption says it all.
  • riches © v. Viagra et al.: "Defendants are encouraging homosexuality in Federal prisons, using subliminal messaging."
  • riches © v. Terrell Owens, in a suit for "Owen the Eagles for Damages": "Owens also tampered with [Donovan] McNabb's water bottle putting Lunesta in it during the 4th quarter of the Super Bowl against the Patriots, that's why McNabb got tired."
  • riches © v. Tanner Hall: "Hall is also related to Hall and Oates. He sings promises to me, but I get no good treatment. I'm getting snowboarded, my head is chair lifted and ski lodges are warmer than the cell in FCI Williamsburg."
  • riches © v. James Gandofini: "I have no access to Comcast Sports Net in Philadelphia. This is a civil rights violation. Inmates have a constitutional right to television. I'm being severely injured. I'm not current with today's news which is making me dumber.
  • riches © v. Lacroix Restaurant: "My civil rights are being violated. Valet parking scratched my car. I didn't get a doggy bag."
  • riches © v. KYW radio: "I'm offended I can't get fair and balanced news."
    • aren't we all, mr. riches ©? aren't we all?
here's hoping this year will feature even more jonathan lee riches © hilarity than 2007 did.

happy new year!

happy new year!

it's 2008: do you all realise that by the end of this year, i should be a real live lawyer?

scary.