Monday, December 08, 2008

News Crack Smokers Can Use: December 8, 2008

i've decided to make News Crack Smokers Can Use a regular feature on this blog. this is, after all, the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker.

what does this mean? it means that every week, i'll entertain you with the stories of that week's dumbest crack smokers. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a can add them to the list of things not to do, if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

without further ado...i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • if you are running away from the cops, do not eat your crack. it may seem like a good idea at the time, but it's really not. if the cops catch you when you've got crack on your person, you are probably screwed. if you want to attempt to slip away, you can try to slickly drop your crack into a thicket, a sidewalk drain, or an open garbage can as you run away. it's not a slam-dunk, as the cops may see you, or see it when they search where you ran. but, it's better than eating it. not only may the cops see you eat the crack, but your body may have a bad reaction when you eat an entire crack rock. imagine how embarrassing it will be if the cops catch up to you, you're trying to explain to the police that you didn't have any crack, and then you puke your crack right back up onto the sidewalk. not only is that gross, but you'll be arrested for crack possession in short order.
  • don't sell crack in school zones. just, don't. this holds true, even in the middle of the night. police are rather picky about what goes on near schools, and if you sell crack in a school zone, they'll probably bust you sooner or later. take my word for it, and find another place to peddle your wares. you'll be a far more successful crack dealer.
  • remember how i informed you last week that prosecutors should refrain from the crack? this also holds true for narcotics officers. if you're a cop charged with seizing drugs, you should promptly record all of the drugs you find and lock them in the evidence lockers. you should not keep the crack for yourself. you should not smoke the crack. you should not sell the crack. it may sound like a sneaky way to score some dope or to make a quick buck, but the boss is going to get a little suspicious if you made a nice little drug bust...and then some of the crack didn't quite make it to the evidence locker. my advice is that you should choose one calling: crack or police work. don't try to combine them. it won't work out. still, though, if you are that intent on being a crack smoking cop, please at least try to refrain from smoking crack at the police station.
  • in case my previous advice to lawyers and cops has been far too specific for your tastes, i'll state it in general terms: if you're any kind of public servant, please stop smoking crack. this includes you, mail carriers. your mail delivery route is just that: a mail delivery route. it's not a crack delivery route. and, it's not going to help your case if the cops find you smoking crack in the back of your mail truck soon after seeing you delivering the precious gift of crack to your daughter.

alright...those are the dumbest of the dumb crack smokers i've found for the week. tune in next monday for more News Crack Smokers Can Use. i'll keep an eye on the crackheads, but if you find a stupid crack smoker story that you think should be included in next week's News, send it my way!


Butterflyfish said...

News pot smokers can use

nicolle said...

it takes a special kind of idiot to light a joint in front of a cop.