Monday, December 29, 2008

News Crack Smokers Can Use: December 29, 2008

i am on vacation. however, since crackheads smoke crack and do idiotic, crack-related things whether or not they are on vacation, i will scour the depths of the interwebstubes to find the stupidest crack smokers of the week whether or not i am on vacation.

without further ado, i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • savvy automobile-driving crackheads should know that it is not only a crime to drive too fast--but, it is also a crime to drive significantly slower than a safe speed. however, if a police officer pulls you over for driving too slowly, you should pull over, act naturally, and keep your crack and your crackpipe hidden from view. you should not keep driving for a while, finally pull over, start smoking crack, and then stab the police officer with your crackpipe. not only will this lead you to a longer list of charges when you are arrested, but this will also put you on a list with george allen ward of crack smokers who are too stupid to take refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker. [a big, persecuted crack smoker thanks to Taryn for this article!]
  • here at the News Crack Smokers Can Use, i frequently talk about bad places to hide your crack. the operative word here is "hide." crack is illegal, and if law enforcement [or some good citizen who is likely to turn you in to law enforcement] sees that you have crack, you're in trouble. i didn't think i was going to have to explain something even more simple than good and bad places to hide crack, but apparently i do. so, i will put it in simple words: hide your crack. don't leave your crack rock somewhere openly in view, like on the passenger seat of your car. this especially holds true if this car is not, in fact, your car--but a car you recently stole. otherwise, you make it far too easy for Officer Friendly to find your crack and take it away from you before you get the chance to smoke it. that's no fun.
  • speaking of being sneaky about hiding your crack, keeping your crack in the privacy of your own home is a good idea. the cops can't get into your house without a warrant or probable cause. if you keep the crack at home, don't draw attention to your home, and stick to smoking your crack at home, you may be able to evade arrest. however, if you are going to keep thousands of dollars of your precious crack in your house, don't smoke so much pot that members of your local constabulary can smell it from outside. as you should know, pot smoking, just like crack smoking, is illegal...and the authorities will follow their noses to your pot supply--and your crack supply.
  • to a lot of people, home ownership is the american dream. buying a home is [or should be, despite what the subprime lenders who helped us get into this economic mess may have said a year or two ago...] the culmination of many years of working hard, saving money, and picking out the perfect house. there is no rush to buy a home. it's good to start planning and saving toward that goal, but if you are fourteen years old, you have plenty of time to start squirreling money away...and to make that money from legitimate jobs. be a paperboy. stock shelves at a grocery store. flip burgers. when you're just a young teenager, there's no reason to be so anxious to accumulate that down payment that you must resort to selling crack.
  • finally, this week brings some News Crack Smokers Can Use in a completely non-sarcastic context. according to a recent study, HIV progresses to AIDS more quickly in crack smokers than in people who do not smoke crack. so, if you are HIV positive, you'll live a longer, healthier life if you learn to lay off the crackpipe. then again, no matter your HIV status, it is a good idea to stop smoking crack, because it will greatly reduce your likelihood of being mocked in a future issue of News Crack Smokers Can Use.

that's it for this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use! as always, if you have any strange or stupid tales of the lengths to which people will go to smoke or sell crack, send me and email!

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