this week, it was extremely tough to pick which stories to feature. it seems that as the weather gets bitter cold, people choose to warm up with their crackpipes instead of warming up around a toasty little fire or space heater. a lot of stupid crackheads got busted in a lot of colossally stupid ways, so i had to pick the best of the best in order to keep this from being five miles long.
so, without further ado...i present this week's [still-rather-lengthy] News Crack Smokers Can Use:
- technology is wonderful: sometimes. if you're selling clothing, pizza, or almost anything else, it's a great convenience to your customers to offer an order-by-phone service. one enterprising crack dealer decided that it would be wonderful to offer this service to his customers. however, my dear crack dealers, there are drawbacks to this business plan. if you offer an order-by-phone service, anyone can call it and you have no idea who they actually are until you deliver the wares. the caller could be a perfectly honest crack smoker who just wants some crack--or, it could be Officer Friendly. my dear crack dealers, you would be well-advised to stick to the old-school, face-to-face method of crack dealing. that way, you don't have to let your prospective buyer know you are selling crack until you know they are a real-live crackhead and not a member of your local constabulary.
- crack transactions should be cash only. this rule makes life easier for everyone involved. crack smokers: don't buy crack on credit. this will save you the risk of being locked in an apartment by your crack dealer for several hours because you're $1000 behind on your crack payments. crack sellers: don't sell your crack on credit. this will save you the risk of your dissatisfied customer turning you in when you drive her to the bank to withdraw money to pay her crack debt.
- if you are pissed off at your girlfriend for flushing your crack down the toilet, your best course of action is to break up with her, leave the house, and buy some more crack. your best course of action is not to tell 911 dispatchers that she is flushing your medication down the toilet. no matter what you call it, no matter whether you store it in baggies or pill bottles, it's still crack. the police just might notice that your "medication" comes in the rather suspicious form of little white rocks, and charge you accordingly.
- my dear crack smokers, if you plan to keep crack around the house, you need to do a better job of hiding your crack. you may think that you're sneaky when you hide your crack in false-bottomed cans of Old Spice, WD-40, and Gunk, but take it from me: the cops are on to you. if you don't believe me, then take it from the nice man at the spy shop i visited a few weeks ago. he sells these cans in his shop--and still warns his customers that police check cans as a matter of course. if Officer Friendly picks up your can of WD-40 and hears tinkling and rattling, he's probably not stupid enough to think that real WD-40 makes that noise. it's your crack rocks, and you're out of luck.
- our list of Bad Places For Crack Dealing already includes police stations and school zones. to this, we can add the sidewalk in front of the prosecutor's office. if your professional calling is selling crack, you'll have a much more profitable career if you stick to dealing your crack in back alleys, crack houses, and other private places. if you insist on selling your crack on the sidewalk, at least check to see that you're not selling it in front of a building full of people who convict crackheads for a living.
- if the police come by your house while you are naked, and tell you that you are under arrest for non-drug charges, it is a good idea to put some clothes on. however, if you have a choice between shorts with crack in the pockets and shorts without crack in the pockets, you should make an effort to put on the crack-free shorts. yes, i know: if you're a crackhead, it's hard to go anywhere without your precious crack. but, if you're on the way to the police station, you're not going to get the chance to smoke any crack for a while. you'll be a lot happier if you leave the crack at home, get booked on the other charges, have your friend bail you out, and then come home to your crack supply. this is a far more pleasant outcome than the police confiscating the crack in your shorts and charging you with possession.
- finally, in quite possibly the most shocking bit of News, a crack smoker actually made an apt observation! after being arrested for possession with intent to distribute as well as possession with intent to distribute in a school zone, our dear crackhead noted, "Granny will be fussing when I get home with this kind of charge." of course she will! if she's not a crackhead, she'll be disappointed that you had crack. if she is a crackhead, she'll be fussing about how you were stupid enough to get caught! either way, Granny will not approve.