Monday, December 15, 2008

News Crack Smokers Can Use: December 15, 2008

it's monday...and that means it's time for another installment of News Crack Smokers Can Use! each week, i scour the depths of the interwebstubes to bring you stories of the stupidest crack smokers. if you're not a crackhead, take pleasure in the fact that you're not as stupid as these people. if you are a crackhead...you can add them to the list of things not to do, if you don't want to get busted for being a crack smoker.

without further ado...i present this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use:
  • dealing crack is stupid. getting busted for dealing crack is stupider. but, if you are busted for dealing crack, your best course of action is to make sure you cooperate with your lawyer so he can provide you with the best possible defense at your trial. notice the words "at your trial"--that's right, you should also show up to your trial. you are not going to beat your rap by not showing up for trial. if you fail to appear for your trial, they might just convict you anyway and send you to jail for ten years.
  • before you decide to become a crackhead, take a look at your name and make sure that it's not easily mockable. if it is, and you become one of those stupid crackheads who ends up in the paper, people might make fun of you. this week, we had a stupid Newby who got out of prison for armed robbery and pot dealing about two years ago, and decided to get on the straight and narrow path by adopting a new career as a crack dealer. he was enough of a stupid Newby to get caught once...and did he think he'd be less likely to get busted selling crack out of a car with small children in it, compared to his pot dealing days? we also had a crack Head this week...thanks to the freakonomics blog we all know about the power of aptonyms, but i suggest to all of you Mr. or Ms. Heads out there that you become a haberdasher or a wigmaker instead. it's slightly more legal.
  • we all know that you should refrain from breaking traffic laws if you have crack in your car. it will greatly enhance your crack smoking experience if you can get the crack safely home, without police interference, to smoke it privately. but, the average crackhead should also know if this also holds true when transporting your crack by bike. if you are going to ride your bike with crack in your pocket, you should make an effort to comply with the local bike laws. if the law requires that you have headlights and taillights on your bike, put them there. furthermore, whether you are on bike, car, or foot--do not consent when the police ask to search you. of course, this is common sense for anyone whether they are carrying crack or not. but if you are carrying crack, and you consent to a search, the police will find it and be able to use it against you. you will be screwed.
  • and, finally, thanks to Taryn...we have a toothpaste for dinner cartoon about the depths to which crack smokers will fall to get money for their crack. i don't suggest stealing copper tubing for crack or anything else, nowadays...scrap copper prices have been plummeting. you'll have to steal almost three times as much copper as you would have had to steal six months ago to get that crack. copper is big and clunky enough, as is...so i advise you crack smokers to find a new way to fund your crack habit until the copper markets improve.



so concludes this week's News Crack Smokers Can Use. as always, if you have any stupid crackhead stories i should know about, send them my way!

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