Monday, December 31, 2007

this one's better than "asshat"!

i just learned the best insult ever:

crap-spackler.

a super gig indeed.

presenting: some really goofy pictures of me from after The Verve Pipe's show on thursday night.

me and Brian Vander Ark, lead singer of TVP:



me, Brian, and Donny Brown, drummer of TVP:



note the giant grins on my face in both of these pictures. this is what happens when you are twenty-five and you finally meet your teen idols.

***

i did write about the concert...however, the piece is very long, and is probably two or three parts retrospective as a fan of the band for every one part concert review. i have been doing, and wanting to do, a lot more music writing than usual. i know that most of you who read this probably do not want to read extremely long entries about music that you neither like nor care about. so, i have started a new blog at supergig.blogspot.com where i will put all of my long music-related rants; the review of The Verve Pipe's show will be posted there as soon as i finish typing it up.

feel free to read supergig if you want to...because i'm really excited about it. or, feel free to ignore supergig...there is, of course, a reason that it's a separate blog from this one.

everything other than my music rants will still be posted here--the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker is still alive and well.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

i r guitar hero.

i just hit every single note on "my name is jonas" on medium!

YAY!!!! :D

the persecuted crack smoker's year in review

it's 4 in the morning. i can't really sleep. so...time to do that meme that everyone seems to be doing this time of year. presenting: the first sentence from the first post from each month of 2007.

january: i don't have much in the way of a coherent narrative, but i feel bad that i haven't had anything to say.
february: you ever seen the beavis and butt-head episode where the boys were in sex ed, and coach buzzcut didn't allow them to laugh all week?
march: i'm enjoying the last few minutes of calm before today's storm.
april: i can't believe barely legal is now over.
may: at 4:30 today, my 2L year will be officially finished.
june: how in the world did people book vacations before the internet?
july: danny donkey is a genius.
august: remember a few months ago when i posted a link to a pro se lawsuit filed by a crack smoker who is too stupid to even have refuge at the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker?
september: i love let's make a deal.
october: i realise i haven't posted a substantive entry here in some time...and for once, there's stuff going on other than the usual.
november: the host keeps repeating that tonight is the last night of "playmania" on the game show network.
december: wonders will never cease.

i had some weird entries on the firsts of the months.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

*shakes head*

saturday evening pop quiz

you've been drinking. you wrap your car around a light pole. the police ask you what caused the accident. what do you tell them?

a) "i was tired."
b) "i was drunk."
c) "some idiot cut me off."
d) "pterodactyl."

here's your sign.

you thought i was done heroblogging, didn't you?

right around thanksgiving, my playstation decided it would be a great time not to read my memory card. this made me sad, as it made it impossible to play more than the first level or two of any of my guitar hero games. i couldn't play the higher levels or the unlockable songs. this made me sad, as i had spent a long time unlocking them--not to mention the fact that a lot of the best songs were further along in the games.

i had no idea if my playstation was messed up or if the memory card had become corrupted. my pocketbook was hoping that it was the memory card that had broken, because it would be a lot cheaper to replace. my heart was hoping that it was the memory card slot on my playstation that was busted, because then i could buy a new playstation and keep the fruits of three months' hard work.1

finals got in the way, and then my trip out of town, but i finally brought my memory card over to my friend's place and tested it out. it was as bad as i had feared--the memory card was corrupted and unreadable. i don't know how that happened, but that was frustrating--all my data from playing guitar hero 1, 2, and 3 all semester had been wiped clean.

sigh.

i bought a new memory card yesterday afternoon, and i have started again. it's easier this time because i'm better at the game than i was a few months ago. i've beaten the first four levels of guitar hero 3 on medium, and then gone back and played a few of the unlockable tracks. luckily, my fingers remember how to play the game...i have five-starred everything the first time through except for "nothing here for me" [which i have still never managed to get more than four stars on, even on the old memory card]. hopefully by the end of winter break i'll be able to beat all the games on medium again so i can have everything unlocked. i'll restart my careers on hard once i have all the songs unlocked again.

i promise this blog isn't turning into a video blog...but i do have to share two of the shiniest songs that you probably have never heard unless you have played the unlockable tracks on guitar hero 3:

"Avalancha" by Heroes del Silencio: i don't know the words. this song is in spanish. all i know is, it's gorgeous. the lead singer's voice reminds me a lot of Gordon Vaughn, the lead singer from Cool for August.2 i've got to thank phil for playing this song so much when i was in Chicago for thanksgiving, and making me realise how great it is.



"The Way It Ends" by Prototype: i am most likely to fall in love with a song because of the vocals. singing is the first thing my ears are drawn to; it always has been. this song is one of the rare ones to grab me for other reasons. the singing in it is okay...not bad enough to detract from the rest of it, but i'd be perfectly happy for it not to be there. the guitar, however, is what grabbed me about this song. this song is a perfect example of what melodic heavy metal guitar should sound like...it's just as suited to a daydream as it is to a fit of moshing.



***
1 i spent a lot of time ditching class and blowing off my reading in order to play as much guitar hero as i played last semester. it was hard work, i promise, but someone had to do it! during the course of last semester i beat guitar hero 1 on medium, five-starred every song on guitar hero 2 on medium, got nineteen songs into guitar hero 2 on hard, beat [and five-starred all but three songs on] guitar hero 3 on medium, and got twenty-three songs into guitar hero 3 on hard. i even had accomplices. i convinced one of my friends to regularly blow off incarceration class in favour of some good old-fashioned shredding, and we beat co-op career mode with her on easy and me on medium. we were also about halfway through a co-op career with me on hard and her on medium. the fruits of so many hours of playing that game were saved on that memory card...i definitely spent more time playing GH last semester than i spent studying.

2 they were a far-underrated mid-nineties band who i loved specifically for their lead singer's distinctive voice. i've never before heard a voice that reminded me the least bit of Gordon Vaughn's before...his voice was so intensely plaintive, and suited the often-desperate mood of Cool for August's music perfectly. the similarity is less present during the song's choruses, but compare his voice during the verses to the voice in this song, "Don't Wanna Be Here" by Cool for August:

i just wanted to sell him a pizza for cheaper. that's all i wanted to do.

i loved the tom green show when i was in high school. the show was often gross, usually stupid, and always had me in stitches. if you're not familiar, tom green is a canadian comedian, and the show featured all different sketches that involved him just messing with people: usually random people, although he often featured his parents as well. the show started on cable access, and even though it was picked up by mtv for a couple seasons, it always had a pretty "cable access" feel to it. it was never a slickly produced show--and would not have worked as such. it still felt like him and two of his idiot friends acting like idiots on television--and that was the genius of it.

i was thinking about the show for no reason this morning. lo and behold: my favourite skit from the tom green show is on youtube! this one involves tom green playing the part of a pizza delivery man who is just trying to sell a customer a pizza for cheaper. hilarity ensued:



that had to have been ten years ago...and it still makes me laugh so much.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Thursday, December 27, 2007

you did not deserve to witness such a great concert.

just got back from The Verve Pipe concert...and it was awesome. i have a far longer entry about it later. it's almost all written out with pen and paper, but i'm a little too tired to type it all out and edit it tonight, so it should be coming in the next couple days. it will also contain pictures, not only of the band performing but also of me with Brian and Donny after the show. [*SQUEE!!*]

still, i have to share this exchange. i was sitting at a table during the show...and the table was next to another table inhabited by three Idiot Fratboys. after The Verve Pipe played its encore and left the stage for good, and other music was already playing over the bar's PA system, one of the Idiot Fratboys turned to me, and the following exchange ensued:

Idiot Fratboy #1: hey, do you know when they're going to play "Bittersweet"?
[i know full well where this conversation is going, but my brain refuses to acknowledge it. i look quizzically at Idiot Fratboy #1.]
me: what? [long pause.] "Bittersweet"?
Idiot Fratboy #1: yeah! "Bittersweet Symphony!"
me: that's the wrong band, dude. that song was by The Verve. this was The Verve Pipe.
Idiot Fratboy #1: what? i've never heard of The Verve!
[Idiot Fratboy #1 turns to his Idiot Fratboy Friends, continues to wonder out loud about the difference between The Verve and The Verve Pipe, and starts to complain some more about not hearing "Bittersweet Symphony". i just turn back to my table, snicker a bit, and go back to drinking my beer and writing my concert review.]

fin.

:)

two reasons why today is awesome:

  • my submission to Fark.com got greenlighted...for the main page! (and, before you ask...yes, it did have to do with Jonathan Lee Riches ©. how'd you guess?)
  • i decided to give it a shot and go up to Maryland Heights for the concert. i don't know how it's going to turn out...but i didn't have any other plans tonight, and it would make my life to see The Verve Pipe in concert just once.
*dances*

oh, happy day!

aaaaah. christmas has passed, the courts are back in session, and we can celebrate the birthday of Jonathan Lee Riches © by reading a shiny new crop of lawsuits.

  • riches © v. Chickie's and Pete's: proof that JLR© is actually crazy: who else would cite as a cause of action that they served him beer without ID when he was underage? ungrateful jerk. sounds like it serves him right that the owner of the bar has apparently sent "Keystone Cops, Quakers, claims unknown Amish Hitmen, and scary Erie Canals" to threaten him in solitary.
  • riches © v. Jeffrey J. Marsalis: "He almost got me with funnel cake. I had a date rape pill detector."
  • riches © v. Mario DeJesse: "DeJesse is linked to the baseball steroid scandal, Balco founder Victor Conte has been supplying him and Pennsylvania Realtors with steroids since 2001, this is to sell aggressive subprime loans...He is strong-arm (Adjustable Rate Mortgage) ing me. Credit crunch my abs."
  • riches © v. Heidi Fleiss: ...in which he tells a magical tale of cross-dressing inmates carrying "Heidi Fleiss manuals."
  • riches © Wolfgang Puck: "These foods are in violation of the Trading with Enemy Act, Free Trade Agreement, and capitalism."
  • riches © v. The World Money Show: "It's a forum to invest in Correction Corporation of America stock "CCA," but conspiracys [sic] exist because "CCA" shareholders want good profit margins, so i'm in a "CCA" prison at FCI Williamsburg."
    • this is really weird. for once, one of his claims touches upon a real, honest-to-God issue: private prisons! there's big money in private prisons, and often the treatment and safety of the prisoners [and the rank-and-file prison workers] plays second fiddle to the profitability of the prisons. even though JLR©'s argument that the reason he is in prison is to make CCA money is a load of bunk [come on. he was an identity theft kingpin. he'd be locked up for several years anyway.]...it's hardly a cracked-out conspiracy theory to say that there's a lot of money in building private prisons and treating people in them poorly.
  • riches © Mike Ditka: "Ditka took my money and transferred it to Euros, that's why the dollar is losing value."
  • riches © Justin McBride: "I have a bright red prison jumpsuit, I'm a target from Defendant and his poultry." [note: this entire lawsuit talks about bulls.]
  • riches © v. Nicholas Berg d/b/a Berg Beheaded: hey look! it's a suit for "Hanging and Beheading My Civil Rights"!
  • riches © v. Nacchio et al.: ...in which he titles a lawsuit against Qwest and Dynegy: "Quest Neglect/I'm Dying and Edgy/Telephone Capones."
  • riches © v. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart: "FCI Williamsburg is a Temple of Doom. I need Ally McBeal."
  • riches © v. Lenny Dystra et al.: "I learned of this plot through Vincent Termini's nephew Joseph Travia, who is my neighbor in solitary confinement at FCI Williamsburg, who told me through the vent."
    • yet another take on the steroid scandal..and kind of an old-school-style suit. it has many defendants, and multiple counts that don't actually link to each other very well.
and, the real gem of the lot: riches © v. Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki. this lawsuit is so shiny that i must reproduce the full text of it here. it's just that good:

"Dunking over my life/Mark Cuban missile crisis on my civil rights"

Comes now the plaintiff, Jonathan Lee Riches ©, in pro-se, moves under 42 U.S.C. 1983 and a restraining order. Plaintiff seeks $30 million. Mark Cuban is getting Nowitzki and German soldiers for the Mark Cuban missile crisis on federal inmates, me in general. I'm in solitary confinement at FCI Williamsburg. I have no access to proper recreation. Defendants bounce basketballs all night outside my cell to tease me. Nowitzki is sending me to Nuremberg trials, because I know the Mavericks bet on basketball games. Also, Mr. Cuban has secret ties with broadcast.com execs and Al-Jazeera TV, they plan to shoot me in Dallas because my initials are J.R. If you spell Dallas backward it says salad. I'm not being fed right in solitary. I'm being burnt with Cuban cigars. Dirk is a big jerk! I seek a restraining order from Defendants to stop Mavericks basketball for the 2008 season.


that lawsuit is weird beyond my power to describe it, and i love every word of it. it's some of his most brilliant work in months.

life, liberty, and the pursuit of rock music

the following entities get a wag of the finger today:
  • Harrah's St. Louis Casino Hotel.
  • Metro (St. Louis public transit).
The Verve Pipe is playing tonight at one of the venues inside Harrah's. for all of you who didn't know me before college (which, come to think of it, is very likely all of you who are reading this...), The Verve Pipe was my favourite band in high school. "the freshmen" was the song that got me listening to modern rock music--hearing that song for the first time was the biggest awakening i've ever had. it sounds cheesy, but it's so true.

and, it was a catalyst. listening to that led me to digging up all of the other music they ever put out, which then led to me digging up all sorts of other new rock music, both popular and unpopular. it laid the foundation for the music tastes that i have had and built upon to this very day. the messages in the music, and the music i discovered as a result, also had a profound effect on my life: it convinced me that it was okay to be abnormal, and okay to be fucked up. it convinced me that as off-kilter as i was, there would at least be songs i could find pieces of myself in, even if there weren't people around me i could relate to. music is what made it tolerable to be a loner in high school, and The Verve Pipe was my gateway.

i wouldn't quite call them my favourite band anymore...but i still love them and have a special appreciation for what their music set in motion.

i've still never seen them live. i heard them for the first time ten and a half years ago: June of 1997. and...i've never been able to attend a show. i thought tonight could be the night.

getting to the concert would be no problem--i can take the train out to the bus, and then the bus out to Harrah's. it's long because Harrah's is all the way out in Maryland Heights--it would entail about an hour and forty-five minutes on buses and trains. still, it's doable. getting back is the problem. the concert starts at 8pm. the last bus back to the train station leaves the casino at 10:45. that would probably work, since nothing online actually says there are other bands playing. if it's just The Verve Pipe, i would probably get to make the show and leave with time to spare.

however--what if it's not? the idea of a concert without an opener is absurd. in my ten years of concertgoing, i can think of one concert i saw that didn't have an opening band: Tool, when they were on their four-city minitour right before releasing Lateralus. what if i go all the way out there, sit through some opening bands that no one told me about, and then have to leave before the band i actually WANT to see takes the stage?

then, i thought--let's see if there's a cheap room there, since there's a hotel. i checked...there wasn't a cheap room. in fact, there was NO VACANCY! sigh. that means if i go to the concert, i am faced with a choice:

  • leaving for the 10:45 bus no matter what: which means that i am hoping that there is no opening band, and that The Verve Pipe's set is no longer than about two hours and fifteen minutes.
  • making myself cozy and comfy in the most excellent Harrah's poker room from the time the concert ends until 5:31 tomorrow morning, when the first bus back to the train station leaves: which means that i am hoping that i can stay up that late without passing out. given my usual pattern of getting sleepy around 2 or 3 in the morning, this is not a very likely outcome--and therefore a very poor idea. this also means that i am hoping that i will not bust out before 5:31 in the morning--which is also a poor assumption given my meager poker skills.
The Verve Pipe is not actually together anymore--they're broken up, but always get together for a few shows around the holidays. i'll probably be able to see them next year if they do it again next year, as they usually come through Chicago. but...what if they don't get back together next year? i'll feel really, really stupid for missing them this year, and never being able to see them live.

trucking out to Maryland Heights alone on public transit sounds like a thoroughly half-baked idea...but it also sounds like a lot of fun. i'm still tempted to go out there and see what i can see before the last bus leaves. (the Staying There All Night And Playing Poker idea is clearly the worst idea ever, and i'm not dumb enough to try it.)

i've got three hours to decide this one.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

happy birthday, Sue-perman a/k/a Dr. Blood's Orgy of Organs!

a very amusing man celebrates his birthday tomorrow...happy 31st birthday, Jonathan Lee Riches ©!

in the suit he filed against Coke, Pepsi, Briar's, Glaceau Vitamin Water, Canada Dry, and 50 Cent (?!) back in october, he claimed that the defendants "plan to host the all you can drink Jonathan Lee Riches © night on my birthday on December 27th, 2007 without my consent."

i doubt any places are actually hosting that, although i would be really amused if they were. for my part, i'm definitely going out tomorrow night and raising a toast to the funniest lawsuit writer out there. who's with me?

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

happy 2,000?

believe it or not, this is the 2,000th post in this moronic little corner of the internet.

i was tempted not to do any sort of retrospective. i didn't do one at 1,000 posts, and there's no reason why this blog actually needs one. but, as i saw the post count click up i was tempted to think a little about what this blog started as, what it has been, and what it has become...and a nice round number is as good an excuse as any to do that.

when i started this thing back in the summer of 2003, i was aspiring to something literary. i named it "alone with all my wrongs" after a line from "letters" by stroke 9, and i posted fragments of poetry, stories, and the like. i intended to put them here, go back to them, revise them, and make Works Of Art.

that plan ran into several problems. i'd post fragments up here and never get back to them. i didn't have any readers at the time, so i never got any suggestions about where to go from the fragments or what to do with them when i did return to revise them. i also realised that i prefer doing my Serious Creative Writing with pens and paper.

that plan lasted all of thirteen posts, and i abandoned this place for three months.

i started losing it around november of 2003, and needed a place to rant. my fourth year of college was a pretty bad time for me, between family issues, disillusionment with school, and not quite being sure what i was going to do with myself after i graduated, since the idea of going straight out to law school made me sick. i needed a place to unload my neuroses. i had kept a blog before this one, a blog that i did use to rant in as well as (more often) discuss my days. since i started it at the behest of someone with whom i had fallen out, i decided i would not go back. instead...i abandoned for good the idea of making this a place of High Creative Art, and instead made it my personal rantspace.

i still kept the name "alone with all my wrongs." it still fit.

those early posts contained very little narration of my days, and a lot of discussion of my personal issues. sometimes it was in my own words, and sometimes it was in the form of song lyrics that captured my mental state at the time. either way, it was extremely incoherent and extremely depressing--as my life was, at that point.

as my life got more stable, it started to contain a lot more discussions of my daily life, and a lot more random observations, news, and uncategorizable stuff. that's pretty much how it has been since then...it has taken a slow drift to the impersonal, but i'm okay with that. i do personal rants when i need to, although there is a lot more goofy-observation content.

there was just the little matter of the name change. i decided that by august 2005, when i left chicago and moved to st. louis for law school, a name change was in order. i just wasn't "alone with all my wrongs" anymore. i considered two names: "mississippi classroom" and "the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker". one of my friends told me that i should choose the latter, as i am "cheap! cheap! fun! fun!"...and i obliged.

i think that name is a better fit, anyway, for the silliness that has inhabited this place over the last two and a half years. the current name implies a sort of unbalanced whimsy. it implies a place set up by the kooky, for the kooky.

"mississippi classroom" would have had a similarly depressing cast to the old name: according to phil ochs' song "here's to the state of mississippi", "every single classroom is a factory of despair...and there's nobody learning such a foreign word as fair." that would have been quite fitting for certain phases of law school...but not the entire thing. there have been a lot more persecuted crack smoker moments than there have been factory-of-despair moments.

and...that brings us to now. i'm going to stop thinking about this blog and its insignificant history, because this is probably the most boring, mentally masturbatory post i've ever made here.

Monday, December 24, 2007

a verbal substitution

i'm always so disappointed when i hear lyrics, think they are brilliant, and then realise that the brilliant lyrics were actually misheard and incorrect. it always turns out that the real lyrics are never quite as good, inspired, or meaningful than the ones that i imagined were there.

it happened again today. i was listening to "sam's town" by the killers. i love that song. it has a great beat to it, and i saw so much in the first few lines of the song. it turns out, though, that i had one little word messed up, and that changed the entire meaning of the stanza. these are, as i found out, the real lyrics to the opening part of the song:

nobody ever had a dream round here
but i don't really mind that it's starting to get to me
nobody ever pulls the seams round here
but i don't really mind that it's starting to get to me


that's so straightforward: it's starting to annoy him that the people around him are set in their ways, and he's okay with the fact that such a thing bothers him. sure, it's an unusual way to put it. you would think he would just go ahead and say that it annoyed him instead of saying that he wasn't bothered that it was starting to annoy him. it puts some mood of previous ambivalence, but it makes it very clear that the ambivalence is fading away. it makes it clear that he is annoyed at the other people instead of at his own ambivalence.

i thought the second and fourth line said "i don't really mind and it's starting to get to me." that wording meant more to me because it implies that he wasn't getting frustrated with the stagnant people around him so much as he was getting frustrated at his own ambivalence to and complacence with all that stagnation. it implies a certain level of living in one's head: it's not enough to matter to the speaker that the people around him are stuck. he can only bring himself to care about his own reaction to the other people. that's a mindset i have been struggling with a lot lately, one of living in my own head just a little too much, and i felt like that line encapsulated where i was coming from.

the real lyrics just don't do that nearly as well.

i ♥ stupid people...

lessons learned from watching bad court shows:

when the judge asks you why you got a tattoo, and your story starts with, "well, i got a coupon in the mail...", you probably should never have gotten that tattoo in the first place.

high art, t-rex style

i'd pay so much money to see his opera. i think the humour value would be worth taking out another large student loan, if that were necessary.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

who knew?

absinthe is legal again.

interesting. i've never had it...but i'm tempted to give it a try.

i can has LOLcode?

some computer geek with way too much time on his hands and a healthy love for kitty macros has created the silliest programming language ever: LOLcode.

it reminds me a lot of BASIC...but the commands are all in kittyspeak. observe the classic "hello world" programme (or, more correctly, "HAI WORLD!") written in LOLcode:

HAI
CAN HAS STDIO?
VISIBLE "HAI WORLD!"
KTHXBYE

this, of course, opens the programme (HAI), pulls up the standard input-output file for the data (CAN HAS STDIO?), prints out text (VISIBLE), and ends (KTHXBYE).

this makes me so happy. i'm going to be spending way too much time this morning (afternoon?) reading up on LOLcode commands, because the idea of programming a computer in kittyspeak is far too amusing to reject.

a pigskin conundrum

the hawaii bowl is tomorrow...or technically today, since it's already sunday. who do i cheer for? unless they're against a football team that i have a specific, longer-standing personal allegiance to (read: the miami hurricanes), i like to cheer for boise state because my brothers go there. i also like to cheer for east carolina because my sister goes there.

the hawaii bowl? boise state versus east carolina.

no matter how it ends, i'll be glad to see the team who wins win it...but bummed to see the team that loses lose it.

mmmm...bacon.

if you like bacon, this picture is shiny. then again, even if you don't like bacon, but you like absurd flowcharts, it's probably right up your alley as well.



thank you, fark, for providing me with so much amusement.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

holiday travel is over for now.

i made it to chicago in one piece. phew.

Friday, December 21, 2007

holiday travel is full of win...for once.

i'm still hanging out at the greenville airport...and we're not slated to fly out until 10:17 tonight.

but...my two day layover in chicago has been extended to five. :) i'm going to be in chicago from tonight1 until midday wednesday, and spending christmas with the foof and his family. ♥

if anyone in chicago wants to do anything with me this weekend, give me a call or just leave a comment!

***
1 hopefully, tonight. hopefully we'll actually get out of here, and the idea of a flight leaving greenville isn't just a pipe dream.

holiday travel is full of fail: part deux.

i'm writing this from an airport bar. needless to say, this means the news is not good.

the afternoon was relaxing. i lounged around on megan's couch, surfed the internet, blogged a bit [okay, a lot...], and got to meet megan's aunt and uncle, who had arrived for the holidays. it was a perfect opportunity to blow off a bit of steam before facing the airport one more time. around 4:20, i said goodbye to megan's family (again!), and we set out on our way.

i'm not big on visualization. i find it to be new-age, oprah winfrey bullshit. but, i caught myself shutting my eyes on the way to the airport and visualizing the board at the united counter: Chicago O'Hare, 5:42 pm, ON TIME. Chicago O'Hare, 5:42 pm, ON TIME.

i got my comeuppance for trying such a moronic tactic.

i walked into the airport, walked over to the united counter: DELAYED. i hoped it was just a short delay...twenty minutes or so. any more than that, and there was no way i was going to be able to make my flight from chicago to st. louis. i should have known better, though: what i hope for on this trip today is never what happens. i talked to the ticketing agents, and got the following bits of news:

  • bad: the plane that we're supposed to take from greenville to chicago won't be landing until 7:30 tonight.
  • worse: air traffic control has held the plane until 9:53 tonight.
  • even worse: i'll miss my connection, and even if i would have made my connection, the flight to st. louis may be cancelled due to mechanical failures.
  • shoot me now: there aren't any open seats on flights to st. louis until sunday, december 23.
so, i was faced with two choices: chancing it in greenville until sunday and then hoping i can get out of here, or flying out to chicago late tonight, staying around there for two days, and then trying to get from there to st. louis on sunday. i chose the second option just for the sheer numbers: there are a lot more flights from chicago to st. louis than there are from greenville to chicago...or really, from greenville to anywhere that lets me then connect to st. louis.

so, there's where my travel saga stands. i'm hanging out in the greenville airport, waiting for a flight to chicago. i'm nursing a beer, eating delectable airport food, and taking advantage of the ever more rare airport amenity: free wireless.

hopefully this flight won't be cancelled, and i'll get to chicago tonight. hopefully i'll get back to st. louis midday on sunday. given the way today is going i should really stop hoping for anything. but, it's about all i have to keep me sane.

jonathan lee riches © is still special.

jonathan lee riches © is still crazy, and still made of win. justia has been increasingly sporadic about posting his lawsuits, but every so often they still deliver. yesterday it delivered in a big way--and presented about thirty lawsuits for everyone's reading pleasure.

he has changed his modus operandi as of late...instead of making pages-long lawsuits that lack a common thread, they are now single-page rants. some of them have a common thread linking the entire paragraph, although most do not.

(we are, of course, talking about jonathan lee riches © here. his ability to produce coherent pieces of writing is lacking, or at least he has made a conscious choice to be as incoherent as possible.)

anyway, i present: the best of the new batch of riches © lawsuits.

  • riches © v. Steve Fairchild: "Fairchild is in a major conspiracy with Pete Rose, ancestors of the 1919 White Sox, and Rick Tochett [sic] to fix the up and coming December 16, 2007 Buffalo Bills v. Cleveland Browns game. He is going to coordinate the offense to score no points and lose, this will knock the Bills out of the playoffs, then Fairchild plans to be the Colorado State football coach. I learned this from Miss Cleo."
  • riches © v. Gran Telescopo Canarias: "The North Koreans are making 1/2 my cell the DMZ line, and the other half has Writers Guild strike workers. I take middle ground because I'm a center Republican. My Constitutional rights are also violated because I never received a ballot to vote Fred Thompson, who spoke in Iowa and said he will eliminate NASA's budget. I'm for it, because then the Defendant and any unknown telescopes can't invade my privacy."
  • riches © v. Nicole Scherzinger: "My blanket has no warmth, the material comes from Coldplay."
  • riches © v. 202-456-1414: "This is the White House. I want a pardon. Defendant will not give me a pardon but will give Lewis Libby one. This is unconstitutional."
  • riches © v. Ryan Howard: "Howard went to a Tampa Bay halloween party dressed as a steroid needle."
  • riches © v. Somali Pirates: "I get served expired Ensure."
  • riches © v. Lisa Leslie: "She threatens me with spark plugs."
  • riches © v. Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve 2008: "Everyone on New Years are going to be celebrating my 5th year in prison. FCI Williamsburg plans to host a Super New Years party bash on TV. Every major credit card company, and retail stores plan to blow horns and party like it's 1999 in front of my solitary cell."
  • riches © v. Iran Contra Affair: "I'm being sent to the North Pole for Christmas. I have to tape presents without gloves outside."
  • riches © v. Daniel Day-Lewis: "Daniel took my website www.jonathanleeriches.org from me. He is Act da Fool!"
  • riches © v. Termini Bros. Bakery: "Termini and Travia has been violating my civil rights at FCI Williamsburg. Threatens to throw pies in my face, and strap me to a gurney and force feed me 10,000 calories every three hours through a Schiavo feeding tube of liquid hydrogene [sic] and Alpo."
  • riches © v. Ashton Kutcher: "I used to have Ashton Kutcher good looks, now prison made me go bald."
  • riches © v. Johnny Depp: "I was only served baked beans that were cold on 12-10-07. This is a civil rights violation."
if i had just one-tenth the creativity of this guy, i swear i'd quit law school and become a comic or a writer. you just never know what he's going to allege next.

holiday travel is full of fail.

i thought my trip to south carolina was rough. the trip was a two-leg flight: st. louis to washington-dulles, and then from dulles to greenville-spartanburg. the first leg went without a hitch. i arrived at dulles, hopped on the train to the other terminal...and promptly found out that the flight (which was supposed to be leaving at 9:45 pm) was not leaving until 12:18. that was a bummer.

then it got delayed another fifteen minutes. sigh. a drop in the bucket.

and then...the plane arrived a little after midnight. the pilot was there. the flight attendant was there. the first officer...not so much. no one knew where he was. i know, i know, they usually keep flight crews together, right? apparently, united does not. apparently they are stupid.

finally, they found the first officer--he had been on another flight that was even more delayed than the plane coming from philly, the one that would be taking us from washington to greenville. finally, he landed, and we left dulles a little after 1am. by then, i was loopy, slap-happy, and tired. i just wanted to get out of the airport and go to bed. luckily, i slept the entire flight, got to my friend's house...and proceeded to sleep until noon.

i thought that was bad. i thought that was a travel nightmare. i stand corrected. today is already worse--and i haven't even left greenville yet.

i was supposed to leave at 12:20 today. no problem, right? go to the airport around eleven, check in, and be on my way? it's four days before christmas. i'm a naive idiot for thinking that i'd have a smooth trip today.

i got to the airport and got in the check-in line. i look up on the board: delayed. it didn't say for how long, but it said we were delayed. i found out from talking to a fellow passenger that it was delayed about an hour. i could deal with that--except that i'd have to find another flight from chicago to st. louis, since my layover in chicago was very short.

finally i made it up to the ticketing counter. since i booked my flight on priceline, i couldn't change my ticket from the self-serve window. i wouldn't be able to change my ticket until i got to chicago, if my flight had already left. that wasn't the best of all possible situations, but i could deal with that. i checked in, checked my bag, and went to the gate.

(i hate checking luggage, but i had to. i ended up with enough stuff that i needed a third bag--and, since i can only carry on two, i had to check one. i'm fully convinced they will manage to lose it--which will be awful, because my "feelings are boring. kissing is awesome." shirt is in that bag. sigh.)

i got to the gate and asked for an official time quote for my flight. the person at the desk types something in the computer...and then gets a dejected look on her face. just then, the flight had come up cancelled on the computer system. we were all sent back downstairs to the ticketing counter to change our flights.

luckily, united automatically rebooked me to the next flight out--at 5:42pm. but, the attendant at the ticketing computer failed to check for this, so he gave me a scare. he spent a few minutes looking around for flights, furrowed his brow, and told me it didn't look good. finally, he told me he could get me out from greenville to chicago at 6:30 on another airline, and then from chicago to st. louis at 3:00 tomorrow afternoon. it was only when he was about to book me for that trip when he saw that i had been automatically booked on a new flight that is slated to get me bac to st. louis this evening. i got that taken care of, got the new tickets, and went back to my friend's house for the afternoon.

let's hope this flight runs...well, if not on-time, at least close to it. i'm hoping i get back to st. louis tonight, because i don't want to deal with any more airport drama. i know this is a pipe dream, but so be it. i've already had my cancelled flight, my share of airport trouble for the day. i'm sick of it.

i also hope my bag gets to st. louis with me. but, since i'm transferring through o'hare, i know that's about as likely as me getting to st. louis at 8:59 tonight, as printed on my ticket.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

random facts time! ♥

here's a meme i borrowed from nancy__whiskey...i'm curious what you all have to say. :)

I know very little about some of the people on my friends list. Some people I know relatively well. I read your journals, or we have something else in common, and we chat occasionally. Some of you I hardly know at all. Perhaps you lurk, for whatever reason. But you friended me, and I thank you for your interest in my words.

But here's a thought: why not take this opportunity to tell me a little something about yourself. Any old thing at all. Just so the next time I see your name I can say: "Ah, there's so and so...they enjoy the savory aroma of monkey brains a la mode."

I'd love it if every single person who friended me would do this. Yes, even you people who I know really well. Then post this in your own journal and see what gems of knowledge appear.

advice

i'm a little late on posting it...but about a week ago my last advice column of the semester was published.

so...read. enjoy. rant. rave.

what, grades?

holy moly. usually wash u profs are so, so, so slow with grades. two of mine actually decided to be awesome this semester, and have the grades in right after finals week.

and, somehow, i knocked both Advanced Trial and Trusts and Estates out of the park.

*squee*

Monday, December 17, 2007

i have my morning show back. hooray!

thank goodness Mike Golic is back.

i watch Mike and Mike in the Morning, on ESPN. the repartee is funny, or so i thought.

last week, Golic was gone all week and it was just Mike Greenberg and whoever they brought in to talk with him. it wasn't the same show. it wasn't nearly as entertaining as it usually is...in fact, it verged on the boring.

this morning Greeny is gone, but Golic is there talking to someone random. the show, however, is good again. it has become pretty clear...i don't like the show for the witty repartee. i like the show for Mike Golic's amusing commentary. it can be Mike and Joe-Off-The-Street for all i care, as long as the correct Mike is in the studio.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

so, how'd you find this place?

sometimes people find this little corner of the internet through some very strange searches.

sometimes, however, the search itself is far less bizarre than the result that this blog actually returns. this is one of those times.

this morning, i was checking my referring links, because i'm always curious about how people find this place. someone searched the terms absent daddy on yahoo, and this blog was the eleventh hit that returned.

whoever you are, i hope you find the information you need...be it through fiction, nonfiction, or the help of a qualified counselor. this particular corner of the internet is not helpful for the solution of any major life problems--it is merely the occasionally-amusing, occasionally-angry, and always-moronic ranting space of a midwestern twentysomething. i'm not sure how much my discussion of king wing the STL baby daddy is going to help you...although i must say, it's quite funny, so it may serve as a distraction for a while.

just how influential is the Canadian Tire mafia?

trivial fact of the day: on the Canadian eBay website, a seller can accept Canadian Tire Money as valid payment for goods.

and, speaking of Canadian Tire Money, this Best of Craigslist ad was just shiny:

FOUND: Canadian Tire $Money$
Date: 2007-11-13, 10:36AM EST


Brief case full of Canadian tire money…one Dollar “bills” very neatly bundled up with those fat purple elastic bands generally used for broccoli. Also, blueprints for some kind of under ground bunker. The only other thing in the briefcase was a mini Etch-e-sketch on a key chain. No judgments people!

So if you can correctly answer at least 2 of the questions below; you must be the rightful owner and I will gladly return the case & contents to you.

1. What is the name of the country where the broccoli was grown? (they are all the same elastics)
2. Can you describe the case? (color, texture, handle(s) etc)
3. Address of the proposed bunker…
4. Bonus points if you care to tell me what the heck you are up to with this much Canadian tire money, who do you know in the broccoli biz, and just generally WTF?!?

I hate Canadian tire so I have no use for this money, I’m just not sure what else to do, so please come get your funny money. P.s. if this is some kind of weird Canadian tire mafia thing, I don’t want any trouble eh?


yet another reason why Canada is awesome: the concept of Canadian Tire Money is just fantastic. coupons that approach the buying power of cash? brilliant!

Saturday, December 15, 2007

this can only be described as hilarious car abuse.

one of my friends is really evil. he tells me about tv shows, which i then start to watch. as his taste in television generally tends toward the awesome, i am liable to get hooked on these shows he recommends.

this afternoon he told me about a british car show called Top Gear. it's hilarious: three snarky british guys do weird things with cars. i spent almost two hours this afternoon looking at videos from this show.

if you have half an hour to kill, watch these three videos--but, you have to watch them in order. it's made of win: the three guys all buy notoriously shoddy cars from the 1970s, and put them through a bizarre sequence of performance tests. of course, hilarity ensues, and they say lots of snarky british things in the process.







here's another hilarious segment of the show--in which the guys attempt to destroy a Toyota truck. all the ads claim the trucks are so tough, so they see if the trucks are so hardy after all:

part 1
part 2
part 3

i don't drive...but if i ever get behind the wheel again, and ever feel the need to own a pickup truck, i think i'll be getting a toyota. those things are indestructible.

Friday, December 14, 2007

scrabble square

this scrabble board is gorgeous.

!

finals are done. i am free.

what did i just do?

i just dropped construction law next semester, and picked up Fed Jur For Dummies.

the lengths i'll go to in order to have a class where i can goof off with my friend megan.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

actuality? this actually sucks.

on january 1, court tv is becoming "truTV".

their tagline? "it's not reality. it's actuality."

all of the teaser clips were salacious scenes of rescues and skydiving and the like.

this makes me sad. court tv was entertaining. it was nice to have a channel where i could depend on being able to watch things like trials and crime stories. sure, the evening programming has been on its way down over the last couple of years, but the last thing we need is another reality channel. they should have fixed it, taken the channel back to its roots. that channel was so great when i was in high school.

goodbye, court tv. i'll miss you.

a merry CTA christmas

the original author of this little bit of doggerel is unknown. but, inqueery posted this on the chicago el livejournal community, and it amused me greatly. so...i invite you all to share in my amusement.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

But St. Nick himself, plump and brimming with joy
Hit a snag on his last stop: Chicago, Illinois

For Rudolph the reindeer, whose nose led the way
Suddenly fell ill and could not guide the sleigh

Santa said “Well, just one option remains
I'll finish my route using CTA trains”

He gathered the reindeer and sack full of toys
To give to Chicagoland good girls and boys

And though well-equipped, CTA card in hand
He'd soon find their trip wouldn't go quite as planned

The train that they rode went from four tracks to one
And wouldn't move fast 'til construction was done

Right then, Santa's joy changed to derision
Saying “It'll take 3 damn hours to reach Clark and Division”

“We normally fly through the air with such speed
But this subway, it moves like a turtle on weed”

The seats were all dirty and beyond repairs
The reindeer stood in urine, which for once wasn't theirs

And Sally's new doll, it would just have to wait
Her Brown Line stop's closed until 2008!

Yes…Santa, he trudged and he slogged and he groaned
It seemed that his Doomsday would not be postponed

But he made a vow on that cold Christmas night
“I must do my job, and do the job right!”

He rode on that Red Line, and then on the Blue
Plus the 36 bus and the Clark 22

He rode on the Orange Line, rode on the Green
From O'Hare to East Side and all homes between

And despite the delays at a few of those places
He did all he could to put smiles on kids' faces

And when he was done, he sighed with relief
Though the trip had been rough, it was worth all the grief

He delivered those presents, he was true to his word
He looked at his watch…..it was January 3rd.

They all flew back home once Rudolph felt better
Mrs. Claus fetched his hubby hot tea and a sweater

Then St. Nick sat down in his favorite chair
And thought all about the entire affair

He hoped that the CTA would succeed
In getting their present: the funds that they need

And I heard him exclaim, as exclaiming's his habit
“Merry Christmas to All! Next time, f**k it, I'll cab it!!!!”


poor santa.

some friendly advice

dear baseball players,

a lot of you are really stupid. how do i know this?

i'm reading the mitchell report. i was reading it for gossip purposes: just to see what baseball players were named as steroid users. call it car-crash curiosity.

instead, this report has become a masterpiece of unintentional humour. i'll give all of you baseball players who want to use steroids a little tip: do them in the comfort of your own home. do them in private, and stash them in private places. have your steroids mailed to your home.

presenting: steroid don'ts, courtesy of the mitchell report.
  • don't keep your steroids in your glove compartment.
  • don't keep your steroids in your team locker at the ballpark.
  • don't have your steroids shipped to the stadium.
    • (warning: if you're this stupid, you're probably going to have your contract optioned to a league that is not major league baseball. you don't want that, do you?)
  • don't buy your steroids in the parking lot at spring training.
  • don't take your steroids across national borders.
    • (yes, Canada counts as another country.)
  • don't buy your steroids from the team trainer.
  • don't buy your steroids from the team's bullpen catcher.
    • (extra super helpful hint: if you are a bullpen catcher, and you're trying to traffic in marijuana, do not cover the box of pot with pine tar and stick a padlock on it. that looks a little suspicious.)
if you follow these little bits of advice, you'll be much happier...or at least less likely to be caught using performance-enhancing drugs. ☺

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

wuss...wuss...shih-tzu...wuss...

after spending way too much time thinking about the constitutional law of incarceration, i'm taking a much-needed study break this evening.

right now i'm watching beavis and butt-head DVDs. after an entire day [and an entire evening, yesterday...] of trying to process dense constitutional concepts, there's nothing better than watching two miscreants continuously fail at being cool and getting laid.

earlier tonight, the internet bestowed upon me a gift all too rare nowadays: new jonathan lee riches © lawsuits! they're not rare because he has stopped filing them...au contraire, he is filing them at an even more rapid-fire pace than ever. but, justia has stopped being so faithful about posting them whenever they are filed. it had gotten to the point that i was considering paying the eight cents a page to get them off of PACER. i still may, since some hilarious-sounding suits1 have not yet been posted.

some of the suits posted today contained some real gems. observe:
this man has such a promising career as a humour writer or performance artist when he gets out of prison.


***
1 such as riches v. the btk killer, riches v. thanksgiving, and riches v. 843-387-9400 and the jonathan lee riches federal indictment.

prison rape a computer?

sign #736 that finals week has made you go crazy:

me: the Prison Rape Elimination Act is crashing my computer.
friend: maybe your computer likes it up the butt when it drops the soap in the shower.
[i start removing and re-inserting the plug to my computer, and the screen flashes intermittently brighter.]
friend: you should stop that. your computer is getting excited.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

if you use this in a bar, you're never getting any.

sign #735 that finals week has made you go crazy: you start formulating pickup lines based on Turner v. Safley.

...hey, baby. you're coming home with me tonight, because that's rationally related to my legitimate penological objectives.

three days until i'm free.

finals week is progressing about how i hoped it would progress.

i took two finals last week: my trusts and estates final and my ethics final. i'm taking my criminal procedure final this afternoon, which leaves the rest of the week for me to study for and eventually take my incarceration final. i haven't decided if i'm taking incarceration thursday or friday...it depends on how much studying i get done for it tonight and tomorrow.

i'm not looking forward to that final. incarceration is the worst class i took in law school--and yes, that does count evidence and contracts. those classes were awful, but this one was worse.

my problem wasn't with the material. the material is interesting. my problem is with the professor. her lectures did nothing to explain the reading--in fact, all they did was obscure it. she reminded me of my physics 143 professor in college: very smart, very knowledgeable in the field, but has no business whatsoever being allowed in front of a class.

she just didn't have the ability to convey the information in a manner that law students could understand. she assumed that we were all super-geniuses who had spent time doing prison civil rights suits for the department of justice--just because she is a super-genius that spent time doing prison civil rights suits for the department of justice. she'd be great explaining concepts to her co-workers there, but not to a roomful of law students who are taking the class to get an introduction to the rights that prisoners have and do not have under the constitution.

so...i am still not sure how i'm going to approach studying for this test. the professor did not present the material in a discernible or understandable order. it felt like she was just tossing whatever she wanted to at us. she skipped around the book, posted handouts, and flitted from topic to topic as quickly as a hummingbird floats from flower to flower in the spring. all i can think of is to just start at the beginning, review the reading, outline the points, and attempt to condense it into something that makes sense to me.

(although, the concept of being able to condense it into something that makes sense to me seems laughable at best, and impossible at worst.)

why didn't he play this one Sunday night?

happiness is only a click away.

supreme ultimate happiness is only a right click away, because that means you can listen to "The Presidents" by Jonathan Coulton whenever you want.

call it a whimsical treatment of every single president who has led our land...the musical version of "43 Plays for 43 Presidents."

Monday, December 10, 2007

♥♥ mmmmm, nerdity. ♥♥

presenting...the top ten reasons you know that you are at a concert attended exclusively by nerds, geeks, and dorks:

10. crowd participation involves acting like pirates, robots, and zombies.
9. the headliner is bragging that one of the songs was written for a video game.
8. the video game in question is portal.
7. the crowd swoons over a love song called skullcrusher mountain.
6. one of the songs is accompanied by, and promptly resampled on, a zendrum.
5. code monkeys boo and hiss at people in the crowd who work in hardware and networking.
4. seven words: they might be giants. ice cream man.
3. it takes eight minutes to get through the intro of a pirate song, because the crowd is so enamoured of saying "ARRRRRR!" in all different ways.
2. the crowd howls with laughter because of a song about the mandelbrot set.
1. jonathan coulton and paul and storm are playing.

then again, i think #1 would in itself be enough to tip you off.

***

P.S.: if any of you dear readers has $1500 to spare, i can has zendrum? please? i'd love you forever...and play lots of silly things on it!

Sunday, December 09, 2007

and whatever

as finals week (or, more appropriately, the Period of Keeping Myself In Denial For As Long As Possible) drags on, my thoughts get more and more disjointed. thus, it's time for one of my incoherent bullet-point posts.
  • i had forgotten how much fun "For Unto Us A Child Is Born" is to sing. i participated in a Messiah sing-along this afternoon...and yet again, the "Wonderful Counsellor" part had me covered in goosebumps. there's so much baroque awesomeness in that piece...but no part stirs me like that one does.
    • i've actually been doing a lot of singing this weekend...the choir concert was last night. i can't say every song went by without a hitch, but there were moments of absolute beauty. i was especially pleased about how we did "dover beach revisited" by dominic argento...that's my favourite piece we did this semester, and i'm so glad that it went well in the performance.
  • amusing random people should not be allowed in the coffee cartel. they are detrimental to my studying. i met up with one of my friends there yesterday afternoon for the purpose of studying criminal procedure. neither of managed to crack a book open. the person at the next table was a 2L at SLU who happened to have the most hilarious stories known to man. thus, the three of us spent three hours laughing and carrying on until i realised that i had to go home and get ready for my choir concert. oops.
    • i've done no work this weekend. i've done no studying this weekend. i've done no law this weekend. i have to start that back up again tomorrow, since i have two more finals [criminal procedure and incarceration] that must be finished by friday.
  • i don't know if any NFL players or coaches read this, but just in case...will someone please, please, please find a way to defeat the Patriots? they're now 13-0. the last thing the city of boston needs is another sports team to act obnoxiously superior about. if the Pats go undefeated this season, no one will ever hear the end of it.
alright, off to shirk some more. i should be studying...but jonathan coulton is hilarious, and he's playing a concert tonight at blue hill.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

xkcd, will you please stop reading my mind?

♥♥♥♥♥

whooooooa.

what? my favourite last.fm tag being "rock", followed by "comedy" and "chicago" (two common tags for wesley willis, who takes up over a tenth of the space in my rather large music collection)?

let me gasp in shock.



Friday, December 07, 2007

quote of the afternoon.

"if God created love
did He make it for everyone?"
"When Heaven's Not Far Away"
by Cold

...did Scooter mean that he was wondering whether or not there was a person out there for everyone to love? or, did he mean something broader...wondering whether God made love as an emotion that everyone could feel, or if it's an emotion only available to certain people who were designed to feel it?

Thursday, December 06, 2007

kissing

from the Captain Obvious Newsfeed: a recent study has shown that if you suck at kissing, you're probably not going to get any further with a person. they probably won't sleep with you, and they're liable to not even call you again the next day.

duh!

good kisses feel good. bad kisses, however, are just a mockery of all that is good in this world. i'm definitely guilty of not going out with someone again just because of the way they kissed...it has only happened once, but the guy was such an awful kisser that my lips were sore for days. i felt like i was kissing a vacuum cleaner. if i wanted to kiss a vacuum cleaner, i'd kiss an honest-to-god vacuum cleaner--my lips would feel the same way afterwards, and i wouldn't have had to go through the formalities of buying it a drink or two before initiating any kissing.

it makes me wonder why they needed to fund and conduct a study to find out that kissing mattered a lot. anyone who has ever dated or even just fooled around knows that.

professional responsibility

i'm working on my legal ethics final exam. professional responsibility class is such a load of hogwash. it does no good. legal ethics are common sense, and you really don't need a book full of convoluted, clunky, nonbinding rules to understand what a lawyer should and should not do.1 it boils down to a few simple things.
  • don't practice law without a license. if you don't have a license in a state, you should not be practicing law there.
  • don't lie.
  • don't blab about stuff that clients tell you.
  • Cover Your Ass, part 1: put all of your agreements with clients in writing, no matter how minor.
  • keep your clients informed of what you are doing on their case.
  • work diligently on your cases.
  • sock away any money that could possibly end up going to a client, and don't spend it or commingle it with anything else until it is all settled that your client has been paid in full.
  • don't represent a client if you don't think you can do it fairly.
  • Cover Your Ass, part 2: if you think you can represent a client fairly but there's something that may lead to the appearance of a conflict, get a written waiver signed by the client.
some law students understand this. they won't run afoul of the ethical rules, they don't get disciplined, and they will have a fruitful career in the law. they don't need a professional responsibility course to tell them these things. some law students don't understand this. they'll lie, cheat, and steal with imagined impunity despite what any little green book or any stuffed-suit ethics prof says.

this ethics final is such a waste of time.

***
1 yes, i realise i'm probably not in the best position to be convincingly bitching about legal ethics, given my little setback earlier this week. however, i am firmly convinced that my inability to pass a multiple choice test about these idiotic, arcane rules of professional responsibility does not undermine my assertion that i know the larger concepts of what a lawyer should or should not be doing.

voldy voldy voldy

my voice teacher deserves many shiny objects for telling me about Potter Puppet Pals. it's a series of very silly puppet skits based on the major characters in Harry Potter.

there are four of them out there, but this one is my favourite: The Mysterious Ticking Noise.



YAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

slangwhanger.

presenting The Most Awesome Word You'll Learn All Week:

slangwhanger: a noisy or abusive talker or writer, a ranting partisan, a bitterly partisan political journalist, a demagogic orator.

so, in other words, whenever i look at the television and see some windbag like ann coulter or bill o'reilly staring back at me, i'm going to start shouting, "slangwhanger! slangwhanger!"

this may also be useful against people on the street who attempt to push their political views upon me. this will be even funnier than screaming at the television, as i'll have the added benefit of seeing their faces scrunched up into a confused little ball, as they're trying to figure out what in the world i am calling them.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

now THAT was in bad taste.

it's a tradition as old as television: at the end of a sports season, someone always runs ads on television selling useless tchotchkes touting a team that won a championship. this industry has been dominated by Sports Illustrated pairing its commemorative books, posters, balls, and other useless objects with yearlong subscriptions to their magazine. however, occasionally an independent company will occasionally jump into the fray.

let's go back to part of that first sentence: "at the end of a sports season."

as last i checked, the college football season is not over yet. the bowl bids have been given out, but not a single bowl has been played. the dust hasn't settled, and no team has been given a large, shiny national championship trophy.

last night on espn, i saw an ad encouraging people to fork over ninety-nine bucks for a Mizzou commemorative football.

there is so much wrong with that. first of all, the season isn't over. no one should sell memorabilia to commemorate an entire season that isn't over yet!

second of all, Mizzou didn't win the national championship--there is no way they will win the national championship. hawking memorabilia for a team that has not won a significant championship is just tacky. the only championship Mizzou won was the Big 12 North--not even the entire Big 12, just the North subdivision. do you ever see television ads hawking hokey display footballs when Nebraska or K-State wins the Big 12 North? even selling them for a conference championship would betray an inferiority complex--i have a funny feeling that no one in Norman is putting up with ads for Sooners commemorative footballs.

if the television ad was not pathetic enough, the press release is. although i didn't see the ad until last night, the press release clearly was written before the bowl bids came out. in discussing how momentous this season has been for Mizzou, the press release proclaims:

Regardless of the outcome against Oklahoma on December 1, the Mizzou Tigers are now guaranteed of going to a major BCS bowl.

try as i might, i can't re-arrange the letters C, O, T, T, O, and N to spell out the name of any BCS bowl. if you manage to do this, or you know something about the BCS that i have somehow missed, i'm all ears.

also priceless is the last sentence of the order page, after noting that the footballs would have the scores of the big 12 championship game and the team's bowl game printed on them after they happened:

"Please allow 6- 8 weeks after Championship game for delivery."

what may have been unbridled optimism last week now seems like an insane delusion, a severe case of denial.

farces like this are really not how to express pride in your Local Sports Team. stuff like this makes me happy that my sentiments lie on the right side of the border war.

made of Gods and win.

what i didn't do today: any studying.
what i did do today: go to Toys 'R' Us.

what i didn't acquire today: any knowledge about legal ethics.
what i did acquire today: two stuffed penguins and a recorder!

i am officially the most awesome person at the Washington University School of Law, because i'm the only one who is playing a recorder in the lounge.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

what?

today is only the second out of ten days that we can take finals.

i'm actually taking one of my finals in half an hour.

i don't quite know to what i can owe this uncharacteristic act of self-discipline, but i'm kind of proud that i'm not leaving all four finals until next week.

Monday, December 03, 2007

...dawg.

Eric posted this video on his blog...and it's highly amusing. watch, as the powers of Keith Olbermann and This Modern World combine to mock a man who always deserves to be mocked: Mr. Bill O'Reilly.

i'm a snake.

i got my MPRE score back today, and i am not ethical enough to practice law in the state of illinois.

that's right. i failed the MPRE.

sigh.

the good news is that i can take it again in march. but, it's just unpleasant, the idea of taking it again. it was enough of a pain the first time. i was hoping to have it over and done with. no such luck.

well, back to studying for finals. whatever idiot decided that sending out MPRE results during law school finals needs to be shot. that was a terrible idea, as it gives everyone who failed one more thing to get stressed out and unhappy over. isn't there already enough to freak out over because it's finals week??? i didn't need to think about failing and retaking the ethics portion of the bar until after finals!

moral of the story? i'm an unscrupulous bastard, and need to fix this shortcoming by march of next year.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

cue Nelson: "heh-heh!"

less than 24 hours ago, Mizzou was #1 in the BCS rankings. today, they're being shipped off to a non-BCS bowl.

awesome.

*sporfle*

bad puns. how i love you.



thanks, xkcd.

finals begin

yesterday i got as far as putting my trusts and estates book and a study aid in my backpack. i, of course, promptly ignored those books and spent my time at kayak's before my U(C) interview playing around on the internet. i then spent the evening doing such trusts and estates related things such as Eating Sushi and Going To The Arcade.

maybe i'll actually crack open a book today.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

minimum coverage for minimum budgets

in recent weeks, Safe Auto has started running ads.

aaaaaah, it's like a little piece of chicago right here in st. louis.

although, if the deity of Bad Locally Produced Car Insurance Ads really loved me, he/she/it would bestow upon the airwaves of st. louis some Eagle Man ads or some Lincoln Insurance ads. the production values on their ads are just as bad as [if not worse than] the Safe Auto ads, but they're hilarious.

amazon for the win

wonders will never cease.

and, by that, i mean you can buy uranium ore on amazon.com.

the buyer comments are the best. observe:

Great product, lousy packaging.
I bought a can of this about 4.5 billion years ago, give or take a few million years, but when I went to use it today I noticed only half of it was still in the can. I swear I put the lid on tight. I'd give it more stars if it came in a better package.


i'm really tempted to buy some uranium ore on amazon...not because i need it to test a geiger counter, but because it would be cool to tell people that i have uranium ore at home, and not be lying.