Saturday, September 29, 2007

illiterate? write for my free brochure.

i complain about suburbs a lot...mainly because they are generally boring.

but, the new mayor of oak lawn can have a cookie. he is pissed off that people are not stopping at stop signs. so, instead of ignoring them, he has made some of the stop signs in his town absolutely hysterical. they're patterned like this:



and, they have sixteen wonderful sayings!

• In the Naame of Love
• And Smell the Roses
• Really. You Gotta Stop.
• Right There Pilgrim
• Or We'll Hunt You Down
• Hold it Right There Buster
• Then You Can Go
• Whoa Whoa Wait a Minute
• Stop Stop Stop Stop Stop Pleeeease
• Or the Police Will Yell at You
• Not an Optional Sign
• It's Really Self-Explanatory
• Means That You Aren't Moving
• Even When No One's Looking
• Whoa
• Billion Dollar Fine

my favourite one is definitely "it's really self-explanatory." i'm all about signs that are condescending to stupid people, and i am wondering why more mayors have not tried this tactic.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

he strikes again...and again...and again...

  • if you think that it's a problem that Posh Spice uses Old Spice...
  • if you think the New England Patriots hide cameras in the Foxboro Stadium bathrooms and sell the videos to Larry Craig every month...
  • if you think you are a cyborg who can tap phones using parts of your body...
  • if you think O.J. Simpson's lawyer uses O.J. Simpson as a hit man against identity thieves...
  • if you think O.J. Simpson is also 50 Cent's hit man...
  • if you are so convinced that O.J. Simpson and 50 Cent are in cahoots that you sue them twice...
  • if you think people would actually get themselves convicted for the specific purpose of being a test case and allowing the Supreme Court to rule that federal judges can give harsher sentences...
  • if you think that your constitutional rights are being violated if Paul Revere doesn't inform you about your federal indictment...
  • if you think American Idol knocked American Bandstand and The Gong Show out of business...
  • if you think that pit bulls can do Sweatin' to the Oldies...
...then you just might be Jonathan Lee Riches ©.

you'd think that i have to be posting repeats here. you'd think that one guy can't actually write this many lawsuits. but, you'd be wrong. federal prison is a boring place, and he seems to be filing suits at the rate of several a day. these are all new, all filed within the last couple of days, and all amusing.

and, we have a copycat lawsuit filer! his name is dylan stephen jayne, and his name is apparently not copyrighted. he sued google for five million dollars. it's kind of amusing...but if he's going to file weird lawsuits, he needs to do a much better job weaving the defendant into whatever story he is telling. he should read a few Riches © suits, or a few pieces of great literature, and try again. it's a good first effort, but he's got a long way to go before he's a master.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

the tiger woods of cyberhood

i have been delinquent in my solemnly accepted duty to kee this blog current on all the latest news involving the Optimus Prime of Cybercrime, jonathan lee riches ©. friday and monday, he did what he does best--sued a ton of people. actually, there are several people that piss him off so much that he has to sue them multiple times. in the last couple days he has sued:
forget the greyhound bus. this guy needs to go on the short bus.

come on, moron.

we can file this one under idiots who should have their parenting license revoked. seriously...who would name their kid wrigley fields?

he is going to get laughed at and mocked mercilessly. wrigley is not a first name. and "wrigley fields" is just plain cheesy.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

minus me...minus you...

as if the track listing for guitar hero 3 wasn't obviously awesome already, i just found out that they have "minus celsius" by the backyard babies on there. i love that song...radio wazee would play it all the time when i was working at the library, and it was enough to lift my spirits despite that mind-numbing job.

yay for guitar hero giving props to underappreciated yet amazing songs.

and, as a present, since you probably have not heard the song--here it is!!



*rocks out*

shiny.

i started going to dave and buster's a bit last semester, and this semester i've gone there way too much already. i really only ever play two games there...the trivia machine and the pump it up machine. (pump it up is like dance dance revolution, but the foot pads are off diagonally from the centre, instead of up, down, left, and right--it's better that way, a lot more intuitive and comfortable.) i can't do the really hard songs yet, of course, but i'm getting to the point that i can go without missing on several of the level three songs, and do level fours without embarrassing myself.

(this is a far cry from the spring, when i was botching easy mode.)

anyway, i think my life is officially complete. i thought they only made pump it up for xbox, but they have a version for the playstation 2--which i am obviously ordering. this makes me happy. it means i can play at home without always having to go out to earth city to play it, and it means that when i do go to dave and buster's to play it, i'll be able to play it even better than i do already.

Friday, September 21, 2007

i report, you decide.

alright...this is funny. it's an interview that Gene Ray, the timecube nutjob, did on g4 a few years ago. he's such a nut, it's kind of adorable.



who's nuttier? this guy, or Ted Stevens of the much-loved Series of Tubes theory? i report, you decide.

*shakes head*

what is this world coming to? i'm at home watching bad court shows, and i think i found one worse than moral court.

it's called Jury Duty, and it's like a regular court show...but the judge doesn't make the decision. three Z-List celebrity "jurors" make the decision.

the show even starts with the Z-Listers being handed large envelopes labelled "summons", and a voice telling them they have been summoned for jury duty.

...if this is not the bottom of the barrel, i don't know what is. these Z-Listers would do so much better going on one of those celebreality shows on VH-1. this is just unwatchable.

if i could think right now, i'd write more.

thank goodness it's friday. i'm really not sure what i'm doing this weekend other than going to happy hour and singing karaoke tonight.

i'm watching mtv because there's nothing else on. somehow, they are actually playing a music video. the song isn't bad..."holy diver" by killswitch engage. it has a really sweet guitar riff at the end. but, the video is so stupid. the lead singer is dressed like a medieval blacksmith who is really pissed off at someone, and someone else in the band is running around dressed up like a knight and carrying a torch. there's another dude dressed like a wizard and caskinga "spell" that really just looks like sooty black smoke. it's so cheesy. i still love music, but every time i turn on a music video i am reminded that i have probably outgrown music videos.

***

behold a rather erudite document in which respected constitutional scholar jonathan lee riches © explains to us why the way we cite statutes reflects o.j. simpson's evil plan to ruin said constitutional scholar's life.

he has also filed a document about a strange family of actual, alleged, and fictional killers. strangely enough, there's not only the actual complaint, but a strange cover sheet which looks very much aimed at screening cases for "lawsuit-reform" purposes.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

hi, o.j.!

so, sue-perman (a.k.a. jonathan lee riches ©) filed two different lawsuits against o.j. simpson today.

one of them was in florida. it included the rather special line:

board up your windows. load up on carbs. 'cause o.j. simpson is coming to town. he sees you when you're sleeping. he knows when you're awake.


it's like a demented holiday song!

he also sued o.j. in south carolina. of course, he made completely different allegations in south carolina than he did in florida.

if i could only get my trial prof to tell us to mime "gay" to the jury...

i was in advanced trial class this afternoon, and the professor was giving us feedback on our jury selection questioning exercise last week. he was remarking that i talk way too much with my hands. that was true...so true.

he then starts to talk about the fact that it's okay to use your hands to point out really major things that you are saying. he tells us that it is not okay, of course, to point at people in the jury box while you are talking. he then suggested a hand gesture.

he put his hand in a fist, put his thumb on top, with the tip pointed up just a bit, and bounced it up and down purposefully.

of course, all i wanted to do was make the "large, loud, boisterous, gay attorney" gestures. i didn't. but, i did start giggling in class. i'm sure everyone else was confused...but it made sense to me.

time cube.

whiskey. tango. foxtrot.

(and no, this is NOT another lawsuit. i promise.)

"After 30 years of research, I now possess the Order of Harmonic Antipodal Cubic Created Life - too large for physical form, but Binary Spirit of the masculinity
Sun & feminity Earth Antipodes. ONEism is demonic Death Math. I have so much to teach you, but you ignore me you evil asses."


and it just gets more deranged from there. i think it's this guy's crazy theory about the world. i don't quite follow, but he's obsessed with the number four, and seems to think the number one is inherently evil.

i'd like to find this guy and play the "three is a magic number" song. i think his head would explode.

these have my stamp of approval.

and now, presenting, a novel interpretation of freedom of speech, brought to you by jonathan lee riches ©:

"2 Milli Vanilli look-alikes jumped me in the prison rec yard and stole my larynx under Carrie [Underwood]'s direct orders. A first amendment speech violation."

ummmm...that would mean that anyone who was mute had their first amendment rights taken away. although this is incorrect, it is clever and novel.

***

annnnnnd. FEMA. they've been in deep trouble since hurricane katrina. and now, they're in even deeper trouble...thanks to jonathan lee riches ©. thanks to FEMA:

"I got 10 feet of snow in my cell. The forecast called for sunny sky's. I was no prepared to bundle up. The FCI Williamsburg drove by me on a snowmobile."

i swear. this dude is my hero.

yo ho ho and a barrel of grog.

avast! it be talk like a pirate day!

i shall wear me pirate hat and me pirate corset to school, and splice me mainbrace afterward.

ARRRRRRRR.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

so easy, a caveman can do it.

do not click this link in class.
do not click this link in the library.
do not click this link anywhere where you cannot laugh loudly for a very, very, very long time.

this afternoon, taryn was sending me snippets of this jonathan lee riches © lawsuit against wesley snipes, and i was in class. of course, i wasn't in a huge class where i could be inconspicuous...i was sitting in a class with maybe fifteen people in it. i was covering my mouth, biting my tongue, doing anything i could not to sporfle in the middle of a very serious discussion about confusing constitutional principles.

jonathan lee riches © claims that "it's so easy writing lawsuits, even a caveman could do it!"

writing lawsuits is easy...but i'm sure that any old caveman could not write lawsuits as amazing as jonathan lee riches ©'s.

weirdness. i love it.

okay, this overheard in chicago post makes me happy.

Girl: (on cell) "Hey Robbie. What do you need help with? They're stuck where? Well pull them out. They can't be stuck that bad. How did you get them in there? No it's not funny. They're probably going to be a mess when you get them out of that thing. I'm not coming over to help you, I have to get to class. Pull them out and I'll check on them later. Bye."

Girl: (to friend) "That was Robbie. He put his geckos in the orange juice container and now they won't come out. He's such a dipshit."

- Blue Line


seriously, i was laughing so hard i was crying. it made my day.

and who puts a gecko in an orange juice container???? seriously! people are weird...and stupid. weird and stupid.

Monday, September 17, 2007

come on, kid.

both the little angel and the little devil are dancing on my shoulder after seeing this:



the little angel is saying that shelley duncan was being a jerk for writing that in the kid's autograph book.

the little devil is saying that no one should really be surprised, and that i kind of want to kick that kid for not being able to take a joke. seriously--what did he expect? this kid asked a yankee for an autograph...during a yankees-red sox series...at fenway park...while he was decked out in red sox attire.

the devil is winning.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

mmm. crisp.

*boggles*

i don't know whether to laugh or cry. old jonathan lee riches © isn't quite topical on this one...he's suing terri schiavo, et al. that's not quite timely, and it's kind of sad.

but, he then refers to "ruth crisp steak house," and i giggled again.

Friday, September 14, 2007

marathon jon

awwww...poor jonathan lee riches ©. he can't run at churchhill downs, and he doesn't have an olympic size pool in federal prison.

so, he sued every olympic-related entity he could think of.

***

and...this was posted a few days ago, and somehow i missed it until today. he also a whole bevy of famous people involved in sex scandals, for counts including "sodomy of my mind."

careers

careers meme...borrowed from chris and laura.

1. Go to careercruising.com.
2. Put in Username: nycareers, Password: landmark.
3. Take their "Career Matchmaker" questions.
4. Post the results.


these are my results...i have no interest in being #1, although #2 through #4 sound like just the ticket. :)

1. Judge
2. Criminal Lawyer
3. Civil Litigator
4. Lawyer
5. Electrician
6. Furniture Finisher
7. Picture Framer
8. Comedian
9. Musical Instrument Builder and Repairer
10. Casting Director
11. Special Effects Technician
12. Upholsterer
13. Composer
14. Electronics Engineering Tech
15. Electrical Engineering Tech
16. Corporate / Commercial Lawyer
17. Tailor / Dressmaker
18. Actor
19. Gunsmith
20. Electronics Repairer
21. Dental Lab Tech
22. Quality Controller
23. Musician
24. Electronics Assembler
25. Optical / Ophthalmic Lab Technician
26. Jeweler
27. Nail Technician
28. Small Engine Mechanic
29. Actuary
30. Dental Assistant
31. Pharmacist
32. Office Machine Repairer
33. Cartographer
34. Optician
35. Critic
36. Optometrist
37. Public Policy Analyst
38. Communications Specialist
39. Market Research Analyst
40. Dispatcher


other than the obvious ones, some of them work beautifully and some of them do not. all the performance ones, like musician, actor, and comedian all sound like a lot of fun. (although, i *would* be the worst comedian ever, specifically because i'm not very funny.)

all those medical type things, though...optician, dental assistant, dental tech, pharmacist...what? i have no interest in doing anything medical. it all squicks me out.

and picture framer? upholsterer? that high? those jobs just sound so boring.

the only jobs on this list i've ever seriously considered were the lawyer-type jobs. in the past i considered being a physicist, and before that a politician, but i've very steadily renounced both of those paths, and have no desire to follow them anymore. of course, i've batted around the idea of being a musician and being an actor, but never in any serious sense...those are just things i find fun, but know i'm not good enough at for them to be anything more than hobbies, extremely fun ways to spend my spare time.

another minion of barry bonds

car 54, where are you? inquiring minds want to know!

and of course, by inquiring minds, i mean jonathan lee riches ©, who is now suing jeff gordon. he's back to his old-school form...no narrative cohesion, just a bunch of hilariously silly allegations.

poor jonathan lee riches ©. jeff gordon is "recklessly drivin [his] life crazy."

*asserts legal rights*

i'm sure most of you have heard my rants about my sketchball landlord from this summer.

well, i moved out over a month ago, and i still haven't seen a penny of my security deposit back. i'd really like to see my security deposit again. it was $500, a month's rent...and i can buy a lot of fun things for $500. also, i'd rather my $500 be in my hands than in the hands of a psychotic jackass. if that's not unjust enrichment, i don't know what is.

i looked up the chicago municipal code provisions on security deposits, and it looks like mister sketchball is starting to run out of time. he has forty-five days from the day i moved out to give me my money back. that means...if i don't have that money by september 23rd, or i don't have an itemized list of repairs he had to make for things other than normal wear and tear, then i can recover damages of twice the security deposit plus interest.

so, today, i'm writing jackass landlord a nice little letter. i'm being as tactful as possible--while still clearly threatening him with a lawsuit if i don't have that money or an explanation by the 24th of september:

Dear asshat:

I lived in the back room of your 1st Floor apartment this summer. I moved out of the apartment on August 9, 2007. The day I moved out I returned my key, and left with it my address in St. Louis where you could return my $500 security deposit.

It has been over a month, and I have neither received my security deposit back or been informed of any reason that I would not receive my security deposit back. Under Chicago Municipal Code §5-12-080(d), you have forty-five days after the day I move out to return my security deposit to me. That means I must have my security deposit back by September 23, 2007. If I do not receive it by then, I reserve the right under §5-12-080(g) of the Chicago Municipal Code to recover damages in court of twice the security deposit plus interest.

Under the same section of code, if you withhold any portion of that security deposit, you must mail me an itemized list of damages other than normal wear and tear, which is excluded from damages that may be deducted. You must also mail me copies of receipts when any necessary repair work is actually done, to verify that the estimates in the initial itemized list were what was actually spent to fix it.

Thank you for your attention to this matter, and I am looking forward to it being taken care of promptly.

Sincerely,

the persecuted crack smoker


hopefully this elicits a response.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

stuff.

1. Dolly the Sheep was cloned by Scottish scientists.
2. Anti-globalization protesters threw things at the windows of corporate establishments during the WTO protests, and therefore broke the windows.

since i know two things, that means i must be barry bonds or somehow in cahoots with him...at least according to jonathan lee riches ©.

***

on a completely unrelated topic...i'm not sad anymore. indignant, yes. angry, yes. but not sad.

if you have no idea what i'm talking about, just carry on with your day. i'm not going into the details here.

...

i'm trying not to talk...because if i don't talk, i won't cry.

morning

i'm still not a morning person. i still can't make myself go to bed early and get up early. every morning that my alarm rings, telling me i need to get up and start getting ready for my eight o'clock class, it still annoys me a lot.

but sometimes, there is a silver lining. today was one of those mornings.

the weather was absolutely gorgeous when i was outside on my way to school. it was really cloudy, so there was no harsh sun to put glare in my eyes. it wasn't hot outside--in fact, it was only fifty-nine this morning. after the summer heat, that was refreshing.

if every summer morning or summer day could be like this one, i wouldn't detest the summer so much. actually, i'd enjoy it.

peer review

...because this place has gone way, way, way too long without kitties, and this one i found on i can has cheezburger cracks me up.

Monday, September 10, 2007

how appealing!

apparently my earlier entry was incomplete...and two more shiny jonathan lee riches © documents hit the internet today.

really...i wouldn't post these if he weren't so much funnier than i could ever be. but, he is. i doubt these things will ever stop cracking me up.

grrrrr.

i'm still waiting...waiting...waiting in limbo about trial team.

the people who were relegated to a second round tryout have been notified...but the people who are on outright or off outright have not been notified yet.

this makes no sense. if the middle people are known...it only makes sense that the top group and bottom group have been decided. so, someone knows whether i've made trial team or not--and i don't know!

this is frustrating.

vh1 storytellers: jonathan lee riches ©.

who knew? jonathan lee riches © is an international diamond dealer...and a master storyteller. he tells such a compelling story about running into iron mike at a nightclub in cedar falls, iowa. (why he would claim to be clubbing in iowa, of all places, is beyond me...but it is rather amusing.)

this lawsuit contains what may be my all-time favourite passage in a jonathan lee riches © suit ever:

"Tyson heard the Michael Jackson i was listening to and screamed out 'who listens to this crap.' Mr. Tyson went in back of the jukebox, unplugged it, plugged it back in, then put coins in the machine and programmed it to play Culture Club's 'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me.'"

that's a priceless mental image...and, since it's jonathan lee riches ©, the story only gets weirder from there. this is actually very strange for him...instead of reciting strings of counts that have very little to do with each other, he instead tells one coherent, albeit strange and fictional, story about one defendant. looks like jonny sue-nami is expanding his repertoire!

***

somehow, that is not the only new lawsuit of his that was filed today. jonathan lee riches © also sued 50 cent today. that suit provided some interesting revelations. i learned that he starred in the karate kid--and pee wee's big adventure!

and, i really want to attend the jonathan lee riches © school of entertainment.

m.i.a.

my 8am class was supposed to start ten minutes ago. the professor is still not here.

there has been no email saying class has been cancelled.

if he overslept his 8am class, i'm going to crack up so much. never again will he be able to poke fun at me about missing the early morning class. :)

edit: not so much...turns out the professor had sent a "class cancelled" email, and somehow the wires got crossed and it never got out to the class. a secretary (but not his secretary--she was out too, and that was part of why the wires got crossed) came by at about 8:30 and told us class had been cancelled.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

an open letter to robbers

dear robbers:

i'm not condoning crime, but i am going to give you a little bit of common-sense advice, just because i'm a nice girl like that.

when you're going to rob a place, be sure you know what you're planning on robbing. know what kind of establishment it is. know if it is a home, a bank, a store, or something else. know if it is something that you think you are going to be able to rob without being seriously physically harmed.

in other words, don't be like a recent would-be robber in colombia. for some reason unbeknownst to anyone who has the least bit of grey matter between their ears, the man tried to rob a karate school.

he is now, of course, in the hospital recovering from his injuries. this is the dumbest place i've heard of a robber trying to rob since i read in america's dumbest criminals about the robber who tried to rob a gun store in a concealed-carry state.

so, potential robbers, please learn this lesson--make sure you are not robbing a place full of people who will kick your ass. this will make you a happier, more successful robber.

love,
the persecuted crack smoker

Saturday, September 08, 2007

*shiny*

ken jennings is so shiny.

i just watched the finale of grand slam...the game show on gsn that pitted champions from different game shows against each other in a bracket format, until one was crowned the winner.

he was against ogi ogas (from millionaire) in the final round. the first two rounds were really close, and ogi ogas pulled them out by really small margins, just a second or two.

and then ken jennings opened a can of whoop-ass. they added a new round, contemporary knowledge, which had pop culture in it. and, well...ogi ogas doesn't know jack beans about pop culture. after that, it was over. ogas was dead, jennings was on fire, and that was the end of that.

so amusing. i love this show...and can't wait for gsn to do it next year. ♥

and...at the end, dennis miller (one of the hosts) said the funniest thing i've heard in a while:

"ken jennings...if i were as smart as you, i'd go around disdaining humanity."

i think i'd do that, too, if i were smart like ken jennings.

not yours.

you can't add defendants at the same time you file an appeal. sorry dude.

a debacle

had my trial team tryout yesterday.

there's a reason i haven't posted about it yet. namely, it sucked. i gave it so well practicing, and then completely booched it in front of the coaches. i blanked out on several occasions.

it was not pretty at all.

Friday, September 07, 2007

tryout time

september has rolled around again...and i have so much at stake at 5:30. yep. trial team tryout.

do i actually feel like my whole year is at stake? no, not like last year. but, i'm nervous. i know i'm going to hate myself for not making it, and i know my odds of actually making it are slim to none. i'm setting myself up for disappointment, and still too stubborn to just back out.

sigh. at least i'm intent on showing up to school whether i make it or not, and not hiding away for three days like i did last year. that will be a step in the right direction, i guess.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

balls balls balls

okay. next time someone pronounces my name "nicole" instead of "nee-kull", i may take some inspiration from this chick.

why didn't i think of this before?

tech news!

if this genius ever gets pulled through the television", he needs to ask serena williams, venus williams, richard williams, the u.s. open, and the poltergeist how they did it.

inquiring minds want to know.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

*boggles*

oh. my. goodness.
so. wrong.


Missing Girl Probably Raped

more fun from everyone's favourite secured party...

two more court documents were filed yesterday by my favourite comedy writer slash Sue-Perman.

first of all...he is convinced that the mississippi river is mad and plotting against him, because he filed suit against the I-35W bridge. he is also afraid of "buckets and buckets of iowa corn. even the nebraska cornhuskers are involved!"

secondly...he filed something that will (gasp!) probably be granted! he filed a motion to withdraw his lawsuit against wal-mart. the motion to withdraw is even "UFO Certified"...they HAVE to grant it!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

advice...

school is back in session...and that means i have another advice column published in student life. :)

arrrrr!

you know what game rocks?

puzzle pirates.

it's not as if i need more ways to waste my time, since i do enough of that already, but there you go. i was convinced to start playing again today...i had forgotten how much fun that game is. i hadn't played since early this year...it's been way too long.

Monday, September 03, 2007

*comfy*

i now have the best bean bag chair ever.

therefore, i win.

boo-yah.

dear freebird,

you are officially my bitch.1

love,
the persecuted crack smoker.

***
1 well...at least on medium.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

trial team tryouts

why the fuck am i putting myself through this again? i know i can't do it, so why am i going to hitch my self-esteem to this futile pursuit and ride it again. i should have taken the hint last year. but did i? no.

last year i was optimistic. no longer. this year, it's something i have to do, because i have something to prove. but, what am i proving? am i proving that i can do it, or proving that i can't?

we all know which one is more likely. i keep telling myself that it's the natural order of things, that it's what i've spent the last year preparing myself for.

and i'm not prepared. it fucking hurts. the audition hasn't even happened yet--it's on friday. but, i was on the verge of tears about it friday. i was on the verge of tears about it again today. i was trying to talk through parts of what i'm going to say...and couldn't come up with anything coherent.

i really should bow out now...for the sake of my sanity, and out of respect for everyone else who is trying out.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

SWEET. suck it, michigan.

michigan is not very good at its job.

more fun!

i combed the depths of teh intarwebs...and i found some shiny new documents from everyone's favourite prison Sue-Perman, jonathan lee riches ©. most of them are not complaints...because not only does he file hilarious complaints, but also hilarious motions and appeals.

yes, all of these links point to different documents that he has filed in federal courts. put simply, he is the deity of crazy lawsuits.

:) :)

i love let's make a deal. what other show would have a man and woman give up a $4500 gold piece, a $6000 car, and a $2000 set of kitchen appliances...

...and end up with 300 pounds of frozen fish?