Thursday, December 27, 2007

oh, happy day!

aaaaah. christmas has passed, the courts are back in session, and we can celebrate the birthday of Jonathan Lee Riches © by reading a shiny new crop of lawsuits.

  • riches © v. Chickie's and Pete's: proof that JLR© is actually crazy: who else would cite as a cause of action that they served him beer without ID when he was underage? ungrateful jerk. sounds like it serves him right that the owner of the bar has apparently sent "Keystone Cops, Quakers, claims unknown Amish Hitmen, and scary Erie Canals" to threaten him in solitary.
  • riches © v. Jeffrey J. Marsalis: "He almost got me with funnel cake. I had a date rape pill detector."
  • riches © v. Mario DeJesse: "DeJesse is linked to the baseball steroid scandal, Balco founder Victor Conte has been supplying him and Pennsylvania Realtors with steroids since 2001, this is to sell aggressive subprime loans...He is strong-arm (Adjustable Rate Mortgage) ing me. Credit crunch my abs."
  • riches © v. Heidi Fleiss: ...in which he tells a magical tale of cross-dressing inmates carrying "Heidi Fleiss manuals."
  • riches © Wolfgang Puck: "These foods are in violation of the Trading with Enemy Act, Free Trade Agreement, and capitalism."
  • riches © v. The World Money Show: "It's a forum to invest in Correction Corporation of America stock "CCA," but conspiracys [sic] exist because "CCA" shareholders want good profit margins, so i'm in a "CCA" prison at FCI Williamsburg."
    • this is really weird. for once, one of his claims touches upon a real, honest-to-God issue: private prisons! there's big money in private prisons, and often the treatment and safety of the prisoners [and the rank-and-file prison workers] plays second fiddle to the profitability of the prisons. even though JLR©'s argument that the reason he is in prison is to make CCA money is a load of bunk [come on. he was an identity theft kingpin. he'd be locked up for several years anyway.]...it's hardly a cracked-out conspiracy theory to say that there's a lot of money in building private prisons and treating people in them poorly.
  • riches © Mike Ditka: "Ditka took my money and transferred it to Euros, that's why the dollar is losing value."
  • riches © Justin McBride: "I have a bright red prison jumpsuit, I'm a target from Defendant and his poultry." [note: this entire lawsuit talks about bulls.]
  • riches © v. Nicholas Berg d/b/a Berg Beheaded: hey look! it's a suit for "Hanging and Beheading My Civil Rights"!
  • riches © v. Nacchio et al.: ...in which he titles a lawsuit against Qwest and Dynegy: "Quest Neglect/I'm Dying and Edgy/Telephone Capones."
  • riches © v. Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart: "FCI Williamsburg is a Temple of Doom. I need Ally McBeal."
  • riches © v. Lenny Dystra et al.: "I learned of this plot through Vincent Termini's nephew Joseph Travia, who is my neighbor in solitary confinement at FCI Williamsburg, who told me through the vent."
    • yet another take on the steroid scandal..and kind of an old-school-style suit. it has many defendants, and multiple counts that don't actually link to each other very well.
and, the real gem of the lot: riches © v. Mark Cuban and Dirk Nowitzki. this lawsuit is so shiny that i must reproduce the full text of it here. it's just that good:

"Dunking over my life/Mark Cuban missile crisis on my civil rights"

Comes now the plaintiff, Jonathan Lee Riches ©, in pro-se, moves under 42 U.S.C. 1983 and a restraining order. Plaintiff seeks $30 million. Mark Cuban is getting Nowitzki and German soldiers for the Mark Cuban missile crisis on federal inmates, me in general. I'm in solitary confinement at FCI Williamsburg. I have no access to proper recreation. Defendants bounce basketballs all night outside my cell to tease me. Nowitzki is sending me to Nuremberg trials, because I know the Mavericks bet on basketball games. Also, Mr. Cuban has secret ties with broadcast.com execs and Al-Jazeera TV, they plan to shoot me in Dallas because my initials are J.R. If you spell Dallas backward it says salad. I'm not being fed right in solitary. I'm being burnt with Cuban cigars. Dirk is a big jerk! I seek a restraining order from Defendants to stop Mavericks basketball for the 2008 season.


that lawsuit is weird beyond my power to describe it, and i love every word of it. it's some of his most brilliant work in months.

2 comments:

Butterflyfish said...

a little late for comment, but i'll give him one thing -- he pleads with particularity if nothing else.

nicolle said...

indeed he does. that helps make the suits so funny.