Friday, December 21, 2007

jonathan lee riches © is still special.

jonathan lee riches © is still crazy, and still made of win. justia has been increasingly sporadic about posting his lawsuits, but every so often they still deliver. yesterday it delivered in a big way--and presented about thirty lawsuits for everyone's reading pleasure.

he has changed his modus operandi as of late...instead of making pages-long lawsuits that lack a common thread, they are now single-page rants. some of them have a common thread linking the entire paragraph, although most do not.

(we are, of course, talking about jonathan lee riches © here. his ability to produce coherent pieces of writing is lacking, or at least he has made a conscious choice to be as incoherent as possible.)

anyway, i present: the best of the new batch of riches © lawsuits.

  • riches © v. Steve Fairchild: "Fairchild is in a major conspiracy with Pete Rose, ancestors of the 1919 White Sox, and Rick Tochett [sic] to fix the up and coming December 16, 2007 Buffalo Bills v. Cleveland Browns game. He is going to coordinate the offense to score no points and lose, this will knock the Bills out of the playoffs, then Fairchild plans to be the Colorado State football coach. I learned this from Miss Cleo."
  • riches © v. Gran Telescopo Canarias: "The North Koreans are making 1/2 my cell the DMZ line, and the other half has Writers Guild strike workers. I take middle ground because I'm a center Republican. My Constitutional rights are also violated because I never received a ballot to vote Fred Thompson, who spoke in Iowa and said he will eliminate NASA's budget. I'm for it, because then the Defendant and any unknown telescopes can't invade my privacy."
  • riches © v. Nicole Scherzinger: "My blanket has no warmth, the material comes from Coldplay."
  • riches © v. 202-456-1414: "This is the White House. I want a pardon. Defendant will not give me a pardon but will give Lewis Libby one. This is unconstitutional."
  • riches © v. Ryan Howard: "Howard went to a Tampa Bay halloween party dressed as a steroid needle."
  • riches © v. Somali Pirates: "I get served expired Ensure."
  • riches © v. Lisa Leslie: "She threatens me with spark plugs."
  • riches © v. Dick Clark's New Years Rockin' Eve 2008: "Everyone on New Years are going to be celebrating my 5th year in prison. FCI Williamsburg plans to host a Super New Years party bash on TV. Every major credit card company, and retail stores plan to blow horns and party like it's 1999 in front of my solitary cell."
  • riches © v. Iran Contra Affair: "I'm being sent to the North Pole for Christmas. I have to tape presents without gloves outside."
  • riches © v. Daniel Day-Lewis: "Daniel took my website from me. He is Act da Fool!"
  • riches © v. Termini Bros. Bakery: "Termini and Travia has been violating my civil rights at FCI Williamsburg. Threatens to throw pies in my face, and strap me to a gurney and force feed me 10,000 calories every three hours through a Schiavo feeding tube of liquid hydrogene [sic] and Alpo."
  • riches © v. Ashton Kutcher: "I used to have Ashton Kutcher good looks, now prison made me go bald."
  • riches © v. Johnny Depp: "I was only served baked beans that were cold on 12-10-07. This is a civil rights violation."
if i had just one-tenth the creativity of this guy, i swear i'd quit law school and become a comic or a writer. you just never know what he's going to allege next.

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