why the fuck am i putting myself through this again? i know i can't do it, so why am i going to hitch my self-esteem to this futile pursuit and ride it again. i should have taken the hint last year. but did i? no.
last year i was optimistic. no longer. this year, it's something i have to do, because i have something to prove. but, what am i proving? am i proving that i can do it, or proving that i can't?
we all know which one is more likely. i keep telling myself that it's the natural order of things, that it's what i've spent the last year preparing myself for.
and i'm not prepared. it fucking hurts. the audition hasn't even happened yet--it's on friday. but, i was on the verge of tears about it friday. i was on the verge of tears about it again today. i was trying to talk through parts of what i'm going to say...and couldn't come up with anything coherent.
i really should bow out now...for the sake of my sanity, and out of respect for everyone else who is trying out.