Tuesday, July 31, 2007

dear trader todd's,

we're through.

you used to be my standby. my slam-dunk. my sure thing. i hated myself for coming back to you, but what could i do? it was monday, i needed my karaoke fix, and you were the only one i knew i could get it from, because you had karaoke seven nights a week. you were always giving it away, and i knew i could always get some with you.

i'd put up with the insanely pricey drinks. i'd put up with the terrible song selection. i'd put up with the fratboy crowd. i'd put up with the skeezy forty-year-old pickup artists...i just needed my karaoke fix, and you were the only place i knew to get it on a monday.

no longer.

i found a better place. a better place that has karaoke on mondays...a better place that has karaoke seven nights a week. i found the hidden cove.

the drinks are cheaper and better. the people there are not sketchy, and the crowd isn't reminiscent of a frat party. i don't feel like i stick out like a sore thumb, and i definitely don't feel like i'm being looked at by everyone there as if i'm a piece of meat. the people there are all ages, and they're generally friendly. i think i had one intelligent conversation with a stranger out of all the times i've been with you, trader todd's...i had several last night, with several different people, at the hidden cove. it's not too crowded to move in there on a monday night. you get to sing a lot of songs. the selection is still not what i wish it would be, but it's no worse than yours.

consider this the end, trader todd's. we're over. i belong to the hidden cove now. i finally have a good place i can depend on for karaoke seven nights a week, and i don't have to settle for you anymore.

enjoy your crowds and skeezes,
the persecuted crack smoker

Sunday, July 29, 2007

as the leading provider of crack-related links on the internet, here's an amusing little one. some dude made fake craigslist postings soliciting crack smoking buddies...and then posted the responses he got.

it's shiny. tempts me to come up with a crack-related craigslist bait.
i want one of these buttons.

i want, i want, i want.

i can has skokie swift button? pleeeeeease?

i'm still in the mood to go exploring.

i know i'm going to go down to the 7-11 that has been done up like a kwik-e-mart for the simpsons movie...that's out at oak park ave. (6800 west) and 63rd street. that'll take me down the red line and the orange line, and then on a bus i've never taken (the west 63rd bus).

after that, i think i'm going to take the pink line. i've ridden the pink line before, sure, but only out by the loop--i haven't been along the paulina connector yet. i've been intending to do that since the pink line opened...and i'm going to finally do it today.

after that...who knows?

Saturday, July 28, 2007

i spent all afternoon walking, and it was amazing.

i started at my apartment...on thorndale, near glenwood. i walked east to broadway, and north to granville. and then, i learned all about the wonders of that stretch of granville, from broadway east to the lake.

first, i hit a little bookstore. not just any bookstore...but a black communist bookstore. it had a few books that had nothing to do with black history, communist history, or the intersection of the two...but not all that many. it also had copies of the worker's vanguard for sale. i hadn't seen that paper since college...and i had always seen it sold by belligerent people hanging around by the reynolds club. i had never seen it in a bookstore. and, the guy who ran the bookstore? not belligerent at all. quite nice.

then, i went down the street...and almost immediately hit the gerber-hart library. i swear, i am buying a membership to this library when i move back to town. whenever i'm in a library or a bookstore, i always spend the most time in the sections that have to do with sexuality and queer studies...just because i find it fascinating. and what is gerber-hart? it's an lgbt library and archive. the ENTIRE LIBRARY is about sexuality and queer studies. a year's membership is $40...which makes no sense to buy when i'm leaving town for two weeks and going to be living in st. louis until may of next year. but, i spent a long time browsing the stacks, and when i move back here i'm getting a membership so i can check out all the fascinating books from there that i want, and read them on my own time.

then, it was down the street to metropolis, a little coffeeshop. i hung around there for maybe forty-five minutes or an hour, sipping amazing coffee and reading some more of the book that i'm in the middle of.

after that, i walked the rest of granville, out to the lake, and found a park. i forget the name of it...but it's right on the lake. there are great rocks there to sit on and read. there's also an outdoor cafe, right in the park, although i didn't avail myself of it because i had just spent all that time in the coffeehouse. i just sat on a rock and read for a while.

verdict? that stretch of granville, from broadway to the lake, is now one of my favourite stretches of road in all of chicago.

but, i kept walking. i walked up sheridan...north of granville, past loyola, and further. i found a music store with the best name ever: flatts and sharpe's. it had a nice selection of books for everything except for voice. a pity, since i was looking for books of music for singing. but, if i could play an instrument, it would have been paradise.

i also found an amazing used bookstore on sheridan, between columbia and pratt: armadillo's pillow books. i had to restrain myself...i only bought three books. but...it had everything from paperbacks to great literature to philosophy...and, i swear, i saw half of the stuff i read at the u(c) somewhere on those shelves. it was so cozy, too. it's amazing...i know all you hyde parkers will probably tell me i'm a blasphemer, but it's better than powell's. it's my new chicago book heaven.

i then kept walking...up sheridan, all the way up to juneway terrace. i meandered that neighbourhood a bit, but it was residential, and didn't have any shops or restaurants to check out. finally, it was getting really humid, and i decided to backtrack to the howard train station and go home.

it was such a nice walk, though. i discovered lots of places i didn't know existed, and i was reminded of why i love this city so much. i've spent five years of my life, plus this summer, in this city...and i still have so much to discover about it. this place will never get old. i'll never know all of it...but i must at least try.

why didn't i do this earlier this summer? why didn't i discover all this stuff, discover this amazing walk, back in may? now it's almost august, and i'm leaving town in less than two weeks.

at least i can file it away...for the future.

Friday, July 27, 2007

stupid Pro Se lawsuits are absolutely hilarious. they posted a wonderful one on above the law today.

read it and weep. and then weep. and then weep so more, just for humanity.

and if that's not enough Moronic Lawsuit Hilarity, he filed another pro se prisoner lawsuit last year. i can't find a full copy of the complaint. but, i have found a fifty-seven page list of defendants in that lawsuit. it's hilarious.

i'd start listing random funny people, organizations, and objects that he sued...but that list would get so long that you're better off just reading his, and being amused by the absurdity and the typos.

jonathan lee riches is a comedy genius.

Monday, July 23, 2007

oh. my. goodness.

be still, my beating heart.

weird al yankovic parodized trapped in the closet.

and it's BRILLIANT.

*is squeeful*
*is squeeful*
*is squeeful*
*is incapacitated by the squee*

Sunday, July 22, 2007

♪♪real american heroes♪♪

today we salute you, Mr. Dumbest Email Scammer Ever.

♪♪Mr. Dumbest Email Scammer Ever♪♪

while your brethren are sending emails that almost look like real emails from paypal, banks, or other well-known commercial institutions, you buck that trend.

♪♪creative originality♪♪

while other scammers make these sincere threats of account closure in the subject lines, you so helpfully start yours by writing "[PHISHING]" right there at the beginning of yours.

♪♪just so you know♪♪

while other scammers use graphics to make people believe that the emails come from the companies, you use text-only.

♪♪not gonna clog your inbox♪♪

while other scammers write their emails in english, you intersperse english words with turkish words, for a truly international phishing experience.

♪♪scamming around the world♪♪

so today, we salute you, Mr. Dumbest Email Scammer Ever...for proving that even if you can't convince a kindergartener that you're legit, it still won't stop you from sending millions of pieces of spam, just in case.

♪♪real american heroes♪♪

Saturday, July 21, 2007

i can be so cute and naive sometimes. 7:30 or 8? try 9. i didn't leave work until 9 last night. strangely enough, it didn't feel so terrible. it was kind of odd having the office completely to myself, but it felt good to get it done. i'm sure it would have been a lot more stressful had i had specific plans that i had to make or cancel, but that wasn't so much the case last night.

i wanted to go to printer's ball...but it didn't happen. i realised there would be no way i'd get down there 'til 10 or so, and then i'd be done there by 12 or 1. it was at 35th and morgan...an intersection i don't really know, a place i've not been since maybe...three and a half years ago, or so. i'd easily be able to get down there--but home? i had no idea what buses would still be running...and, even though it brings major shame on me as a city girl to admit this, i had no idea whether it would be a good idea for a girl to wait there alone, a girl who didn't know the neighbourhood all that well. i'm so embarrassed for not going for that reason, but i really didn't want to be in a fairly unknown neighbourhood at midnight with possibly no way home.

that just means i need to know more parts this city better, so this doesn't ever happen again.

Friday, July 20, 2007

it's gonna be a late night at work tonight...for a friday, anyway. i've got to get this memo done, and there's no way it's gonna happen before 7:30 or 8. kind of a bummer on a friday, but oh well...it's gonna happen sometimes in the real world, right? might as well state late on at least one friday as an SA.

however...methinks i'm going to go to printers' ball after work, if i've got the energy. it looks just plain neato. it's out in bridgeport (west 35th street), so getting home will be a pain in the petute...but whatever. it'll be fun.
alright. i haven't had one in a while...but today, i think i had the best set of google search terms leading to my blog on blogger...end of discussion.

uofc scavhunt montrose metra

it led to this entry, about the metra item from scavhunt '04. what amuses me most is that someone absolutely must have been aware of Scav '04 in order to have constructed that search.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

alright...i got sick of reading cases, and decided to do something i haven't done in a very long time--look through my spam blocker. my goodness. there are some really amusing headlines in my spam. don't get me wrong--i don't want spam in my inbox, and i'm very glad the emails are diverted to my spam blocker. but...some of the email subject lines just make me giggle:

  • She'll hurt so good with MegaDik
  • Superherogirl: learn how to be a real man! (note: superherogirl is my google/gmail handle.)
  • Get mega-sized with MegaDik
  • FW: Even when we do get the psychos... (i had no idea what the actual content of THAT email could be...turns out, they were trying to sell me vibrating cock rings.)
  • Stretch her out with MegaDik
  • Let the big dick fairy bless you (okay, okay, i get it. my dick is too small. clearly i need to go to Early To Bed and buy a bigger packer, because the spammers don't think my current one is cutting it.)
  • to Superherogirl--WHORES
  • There is no need to parade your problems (an ad for an online pharmacy...WTF?)
  • What is the dosage guideline for Wondercum?
  • Free Fathers Rights Course--Child Support, Custody, Visitation (it was addressed "Dear Father"...ummm, no. really, i just put this one up there not because it was funny, but because the foof would appreciate the fact that the Fathers' Rights people have resorted to such lowbrow tactics as spam.)
  • As nonagenarian at usurer (no idea what they're trying to sell me, even after reading the email. there was a sketchy file attached to it, though. i wasn't gonna download that.)

alright, that's enough stupid spamusement for the day. back to work. :)

it took hundreds of computers eighteen years to figure it out...but apparently, scientists have solved the game of checkers. apparently, there *is* a perfect checkers strategy, and if both players know it, the game will *always* be a draw. somehow, gut-instinct-wise, that makes sense...but it's neat to know that scientists figured it out for sure.

and...you can play against the perfect computer here.
i'm reading a computer fraud case, creative computing v. getloaded.com, 386 F.3d 930 (9th Cir. 2004). (no, the fact that the company is called "getloaded.com" isn't the funny part, although i also find that hilarious.) creative sued getloaded.com for hacking into its trucking load exchange website, truckstop.com, and stealing lists of customers.

let's just say...one of the getloaded.com employees was either really stupid, or loaded on something other than trucking cargo. the following excerpt from the case says it all:

"Creative uncovered a handwritten Getloaded employee's to-do list that included 'mimic truckstop.com.'"

note to plagiarizers and other information thieves: you probably shouldn't write that down on your to-do list.


and then, later in the case, the court discusses getloaded.com's argument that if creative had installed a patch earlier, they could not have hacked into the system. in response, judge kleinfeld gives getloaded.com one of the more amusing judicial smackdowns i've seen in a long time:

"Getloaded's argument that truckstop.com should have prevented some of the harm by installing the patch is analogous to a thief arguing that 'I would not have been able to steal your television if you had installed deadbolts instead of that silly lock I could open with a credit card.'"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

so...is the bar exam in Guam just hard, or were the three people who took the test just not the brightest crayons in the box?


in other news, the day is going much better. i don't have to have the project done today. no kids have been banging on my door yet. and, on the way to chipotle to get tacos for lunch (it's only half a block away, mind you!) i saw two extremely pretty men walking down the street. yummy. i heart eye candy.
today sucks already. i have a project due today, and i don't think i'm going to be able to get it done. i stayed at work until nine monday. i stayed at work until nine yesterday, and worked for another hour after i left. screw not being able to get it done before 4pm, when the happy hour is...i doubt i'll be able to get it done if i stay until 9 or 10 tonight.

and, if that wasn't enough--it's take your kids to work day. the creatures are everywhere...playing around on computers...filing...and making me dread the middle of the day when they get bored, frustrated, or reckless and start playing around in the hallways. sigh...i don't work at a large law firm to be around kids. one of the perks of being here is that i never have to see them or put up wit them.

someone's door is staying shut.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

alright. it would never fly now, in the era of MADD and all, but i just got wind of the Best Slogan Ever, used from the fifties until the seventies, to advertise Schaefer Beer:

"Schaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one."

that cracks me up.

Monday, July 16, 2007

after twenty-four years on this earth, it still amazes me how much better i feel when i just sit down and finish up tasks that have been dogging me.

they're usually not as bad as i fear.

and then, i freak out and forget the lesson again. i'm hoping this time will be different (i'm having one of my rare Finishing Stuff Up days today), but a little bird tells me that it probably won't.

oh well. i'll ride this wave as long as it decides to last.
Flaw is a really underrated band.

they're amazing.

there's just something about the lead singer's voice that launches me into the stratosphere...i can't quite put my finger on what, but his voice just sounds so good, so distinctive. and, their songs have such good melodies.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


i have officially booked my vacation. i'm going to new york city from august 15 through august 21.

this is going to rock.

Friday, July 13, 2007

dear yahoo radio,

whatever genius decided to place Something Corporate in the "Old School Punk Rock" genre needs to lay off the crackpipe and review his music history. seriously.

no love,
the persecuted crack smoker
this story is absolutely ridiculous. airplane "security" has gone too far.

trying to force a mother to drug her kid, and then kicking them both off the plane, for the kid saying "bye bye plane" over and over again? the kid isn't even two years old. he has no concept of "security implications." if he were parading around in a car, seeing other cars going in other lanes, he'd probably be saying "bye bye car." it's baby chatter. that kid is not a security threat, and anyone who thinks he was is just plain stupid.

yes, i know. i never go to bat for kids. i hate kids. whenever i mention them here, i am usually trashing them. but, this isn't really about the kid. this is about the adults running the flight. this is a shining example of zero tolerance gone too far--of adults being extremely stupid, and too wedded to bright-line standards of what "should" and "should not" be said on an airplane to use a little common sense. this isn't an adult telling jokes about guns and bombs. this is a kid who doesn't know any better and is not old or sophisticated enough to mean anything sinister. let it slide.
so, the firm cubs outing is today. i only have two hopes:

1. that it doesn't get uncomfortably hot outside. this is pretty likely, as the weather channel says it's only supposed to get to 76. if that holds up, then the weather should be...if not pleasant, at least somewhat tolerable.

2. that i'm not the one who does something stupid. it's the cubs outing. it's summer associate lore, it's attorney lore: a summer INEVITABLY does something really, really dumb at the cubs outing. i'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it's not going to be me.

okay, i have three hopes. seeing the cubs lose today would also be pretty sweet. i'm all about seeing the cubs lose.


in other news, i got beavis and butt-head--the mike judge collection volumes 2 and 3 last night. i can't wait to watch them. :) i had been dying to get them...and now i have them. so, if anyone in chicago wants to watch a ton of beavis and butt-head--i'm your girlie.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

the iPhone: will it blend?

awesome. just awesome.

Monday, July 09, 2007

had a lot of random stuff going on lately, but not a lot of time or inclination to gather it all together.

yesterday...started off awesome, and then started to suck. i went to the white sox game...and the sox won, 6-3. :) that was shiny. it was nice to see my sox doing well, and rebounding from that embarrassment of a doubleheader that transpired on friday.

but then, the weather caught up with me. it was ninety-five out with really high humidity...and a couple hours after the game, heat exhaustion set in. i'm feeling better this morning than i was last night, although i'm still kind of recovering. i had forgotten how absolutely terrible it was to be delirious with heat exhaustion. that hadn't happened to me in a couple of years, and i hope it doesn't happen to me again ever...or at least for a very, very long while.

i hate hot summer weather. i can't deal with it.


on another topic...this is a letter to all you taxi-cab drivers out there. when a single woman gets in your taxi-cab, there are several things you should not do:

  • hit on them. it's terribly unprofessional, and terribly annoying to someone who wants to get home as quickly as possible without being bothered.
  • assume they have a boyfriend. taxicab chatter is okay, but keep it to things like the weather or the news or something. don't get into personal stuff. i know being a taxi driver is probably very boring if you are not talking to the people in your taxi, but don't pry.
  • go many blocks out of the way without asking the person in your taxicab where to go. if you are that far out of your way, you clearly don't know where you are. if the person tells you to turn at the next street, don't ignore them. improvising directions and then overcharging for that is just not cool...and, i think, against the taxi driver rules.

i named my iPod "harmony joybus." why? because it's a harmony joybus that takes me on a harmony joyride.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

the persecuted crack smoker has a shiny new toy...a very, very shiny new toy.

i am the proud owner of a new black 80 gig video ipod.


Thursday, July 05, 2007


i love kawaii not.
this is a story i heard a while ago, but forgot to post here. it's one i heard from one of the partners, about quite possibly the dumbest thing anyone has ever done that has led to a no-offer.

we all know the classic no-offer scenarios: turning in consistently terrible work, being rude to the support staff, being rude to the attorneys, getting way too drunk at all of the firm events and acting like an unprofessional moron...all the stuff that career services advises you not to do.

sometimes, though, people come up with new ways to be morons.

there was a guy who summered at my firm a few years ago. at the firm, there are kitchens on every floor. the kitchens have various drinks for the people to have while working: coffee, tea, and hot cocoa. there is a protocol--it's not that hard. if you are thirsty, or cold, or just want something nice and caffeinated, you go there and get a drink. common sense, right?

well, on this guy's floor, meeting services noticed that every night, the hot cocoa drawer was empty. they would refill it, and the next night it would be gone again. it was very bizarre...since the coffee and tea are more popular anyway, especially during the summer. the drawer is big. it holds a lot of packets of hot cocoa. but, every night...it was all gone.

it turns out this summer associate was stealing all of the hot cocoa. every day.

apparently his work was pretty mediocre, too, but that just put him over the top. way to go, dude. way to push yourself toward a no-offer by stealing a lifetime supply of hot cocoa. you could have been slick. you could have taken a few envelopes a day and stockpiled them. no one would have found out. but no, you were too stupid. you had to have it all, right then. you had to have all the hot cocoa. and, you blew your shot at an offer.


so, my advice to all of you 0Ls and 1Ls out there who will soon be applying for summer associate positions? don't steal all the hot chocolate.
i hate midweek holidays...at least when thursday rolls around and i have to get back into the swing of my interrupted week.

oh well. at least i learned a valuable lesson yesterday: you don't actually need a bottle to shoot off bottle rockets. bottle rockets are officially my shiny new toy.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

courtesy of SEC Rule 13e-3:

"It shall be a fraudulent, deceptive, or manipulative act or practice...[t]o employ any device, scheme, or artifice to defraud any person."

so...defrauding people is a fraudulent act? check.

(in other news...my gosh, transactional stuff puts me to sleep. i'm in the middle of trying to teach myself mergers and acquisitions for this one project i took, and it's really not my cup of tea. i want my litigation work back.)
all of you know the song "ebay" by weird al, right? the parody of "i want it that way," in which he sings about all the dumb stuff he bought on ebay?

well, i totally heard that song from the television age: "vegematic" by steve goodman.

instead of being about a compulsive online deal-seeker, it's about a dude who falls asleep in front of the television, wakes up, and realises he has called and ordered all of the ridiculous products that were sold during the infomercials.

and, like almost everything steve goodman does--it's hysterical.

by steve goodman

fell asleep last night with the tv on
oh what a dream i had
i dreamed i answered every single one of those late night mail order ads
and four to six weeks later much to my surprise
the mailman came to my front door and i couldn't believe my eyes

when he brought the vegematic
and the pocket fisherman too
illuminated illustrated history of life
and boxcar willie with a ginsu knife
a bamboo steamer
and a garden weasel too
and a tie-dyed dayglow souvenir shirt from six flags over burbank

the doorbell rang all morning and into the afternoon
i shook with fright as it rang all night to the light of the mastercard moon
there was parcel post in the pantry and ups in the hall
c.o.d.'s to the ceiling and i just couldn't pay for it all

i got the egg scrambler with a seal-a-meal carrying case
a set of presidential commemorative plates
so i could eat my eggs off the president's face
a minute mender
and a needle that'll knit or crochet
and an autographed photograph of rin tin tin at six flags over burbank

i remembered i was dreaming
so i gave a mighty cheer
when i awoke it was no joke
'cause all that shit was here
so if you fall asleep with the tv on
let me tell you what to do
tear the telephone out of the wall unless you want it to happen to you

you'll get the vegematic
and the pocket fisherman too
illuminated illustrated history of life
and boxcar willie with a ginsu knife
a bamboo steamer
and a smokeless ashtray too
and an all expenses paid weekend for three at six flags over burbank

Monday, July 02, 2007

i'm shocked. absolutely shocked.

and by shocked, i mean not shocked at all. we all knew bush was going to do this, didn't we?

at least bush didn't pardon scooter libby. that's something, at least.
wesley willis' greatest hits volume 3 is a treasure trove of utter genius. that album may be more deranged than rush hour...and that's saying something.

that is all.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

danny donkey is a genius. stephan pastis is a genius. this comic strip is genius.

::sits at home in underwear::
::drinks beer::
::is happy::