Sunday, June 17, 2007

this morning was really, really weird. i need to stop combining "walking through a less-than-familiar city alone" with "reading douglas coupland novels." it only leads to surrealism...and not the good kind, but more the kind tha tmakes me feel really, really insignificant.

i was walking from chinatown to union station, gazing around at buildings, daydreaming, and on the verge of tears. i don't know why. the sights weren't that moving...it was a bunch of restaurants, storefronts, and office buildings. nothing was gorgeous or stunning. i saw a few absurd signs along the way that i snapped pictures of, i saw an absurd monument (one to the "victims of communism," however sickeningly Cold War it may be), but i saw nothing so beautiful as to make me weep. i saw nothing so sad as to make me weep, either...just a bunch of people, walking around. a bunch of stupid tourists just like me.

i just felt disconnected from everything. being in DC was surreal. i didn't feel like i was anywhere different. i felt like i could walk a few blocks and go back to my apartment in chicago at any moment. i felt like i could walk a few blocks and see whichever people i wanted...people in chicago, people in st. louis, people anywhere. i realised i couldn't, and it just made me feel so isolated. i felt...adrift.

i feel like i've been drifting for a while, actually. i have all the big things figured out, that's for sure...all the post-law school stuff, the geographic stuff, the career stuff. but, i can't shake the idea that everything i'm doing now involves me waiting for another day, and another day, and another day to pass, until that future finally arrives. i need to stop doing that...i really don't know how to go about it, but today, it hit me that i just don't feel like i have an anchor to anything specific. if i don't stop and think about it, it's not that bad. it's easy to forget about. but, when i do stop and think about it, it makes me feel sad...helpless...like i'm wasting my life.

i know things aren't actually that bad...at least, i hope not. i'm just in a really mopey mood right now, and i need to rant. i'm just feeling unmoored.

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