Saturday, January 20, 2007

today's a crazy news day, a really crazy news day.

the worst name ever.

first of all, we've got this gem. the reason why this news story is remarkable is not the story itself--it's the name of one of the people in the story. i've found some bad names. i've found some really bad names. but, this one takes the cake.

epluribus.

who would name their kid epluribus? i want to find his parents, pull them aside, and ask them what in the world they must have been smoking when they decided that they should name their kid epluribus! i can just imagine the scene in the hospital when they were filling out the birth certificate, and they needed to know the name of the kid:

nurse: what is the baby's name?
mom: ummm...uhhh...dunno. can we fill everything else out first?
nurse: okay...
nurse asks mom for the rest of the information required on the birth certificate form.
nurse: okay, that'll be twenty dollars to get this birth certificate issued.
mom: here you go...hey, wait a minute!
mom holds on to the twenty-dollar bill, flips it around in her hands, squints, and reads the bill intently.
mom: epluribus! that's what i wanna name my kid! that sounds all smart, and cool, and it's on the money, so he's gonna make a lot of money! epluribus!
nurse's jaw drops.
nurse: you sure about that?
mom: yeah!
nurse: mutters under breath i guess there's no law against stupid names. moron. poor kid.

let me reiterate that there really should be regulations against stupid names. there needs to be a naming board. the proposed baby name will be read in front of the naming board, and it has to pass the laugh test. if someone reads the name to the board, and no one in the board busts out laughing at it, then it passes. if not, the baby needs to be named something else.

if this were the case, then no one would have to go through life with a name like epluribus.

they're all a bunch of nut jobs, i swear it!

never have i read about a case in which all of the people involved were as screwed up as in this one. a twenty-nine-year-old man lived with a forty-something man and a sixty-something man. as you can see from the mug shot, the twenty-nine-year-old looks like a twentysomething.

apparently, he had the men convinced that he was twelve. they busted him when he tried to register for middle school.

who would want a twelve-year-old concubine?!?!?!?! why would this guy pretend to be a kid in order to live with at least one really, really, ridiculously unattractive old man, and fuck him? (we don't know what the other one looks like.) and, apparently, the 29 year old guy has a rap sheet of sex charges, and may have been registering for school in order to try and molest students. seriously--he must be the stupidest pedophile ever! he tried to enroll in school, despite not looking twelve years old! there would be far easier ways for him to find children to pursue, that don't involve such a high risk of getting busted!

this whole case leaves me with nothing but questions. it's the weirdest thing ever.

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