Tuesday, January 09, 2007

i'm feeling something i didn't feel at all last semester, and i can't decide what to call it. about a third of me wants to call it "motivation." about two-thirds of me wants to call it "an unhealthy and unnatural compulsion."

i have a very busy semester ahead of me, with clinic and classes. the fact that i have to spend 21 hours a week in clinic hit me like a ton of bricks today. put on top of that the fact that i did my first reading for criminal justice administration, and found it fascinating...and all of this added up to the fact that i left trial practice tonight only to crack that CJA book--again--and do my reading for friday.

it was the first time since law school started that i did something as dastardly as read ahead. actually, it may be the first time since high school that i did something so terrible.

i can't put my finger on why i did that today. it feels unnatural. i want to think it's motivation, but i truly think it's something more psychotic than that. motivation feels natural. this feels a lot more...raw, chemical, and crazy. i don't want to get behind. i was so lackadaisical last semester. i got weeks and months behind in my classes and...just let myself. i don't want to do that this semester. i don't want a rerun of last semester. so, it's as if the only way i feel like i can avoid that is to compulsively get my work done as soon as it falls into my lap, so i never have to worry about the stress and shame of falling so far behind again.

sigh. this is one gift horse i should just look in the mouth, but i can't.

2 comments:

jim arthur's dog said...

Oh my! Our little girl is growing up.

nicolle said...

little girl? not so much.

but, whoever i am, i'm not growing up at all. i'm just...crazy. :D