Friday, December 29, 2006

i don't believe in new year's resolutions, but this was just too absurdly funny not to post.

In 2007, faceless_wonder resolves to...
Connect with my inner pro-choice.
Go to the puzzle pirates every month.
Eat more concerts.
Take tokeiwakamidesu reading.
Ask my boss for a sex.
Give up judge mathis.
Get your own New Year's Resolutions:


sorry for the lack of decent content. i haven't been up to a whole lot the last couple days. i went up to chicago yesterday, but i've been really laid-back since i arrived. i haven't been causing any trouble...yet.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

the bbc has a very interesting brain sex quiz on its website...basically, to figure out if you think more like a female or more like a male.

the quiz rates you at the end, on a continuum that goes from 100 female down to 0 and back up to 100 male. the average man scores about a fifty male. the average woman scores about a fifty female.

as for me? a flat zero.

i heart my androgynous brain.
i turned on some stupid court show this afternoon, and the defendant had the worst name ever. it's a name so bad that i want to find her mother, her father, or whoever decided to name her that, and smack them hard.

her name was clover cleveland.

that's not clever. that's just stupid.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Monday, December 25, 2006

so, i was on youtube looking up puzzle pirates tutorial videos to help me shore up my skills, for my upcoming officer training. i found plenty of tutorials...and then some really funny puzzle pirates-themed videos that were not tutorials. before i started playing the game, they must have had a puzzle pirates commercial contest. some of the entries are absolutely hysterical.

this one here is especially brilliant...it's a takeoff on the citibank identity theft ads. (i wish i could embed it here, but the embedding is disabled. trust me, it's worth clicking on. it's awesome.)

this one also makes me very happy...i'm pretty bad at puzzle pirates, but not quite this bad.



enjoy. and...if you never want to be productive ever again, go to youtube and search for "puzzle pirates." it's so shiny.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

my puzzle pirate just bought a cat and an anvil.

i'm a happy little plunderer.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

alrightie. it's pushing noon, and i really should find an excuse to leave my apartment. but, before that...i'm going to use my iTunes as a fortune teller tool. :D

The rules: Select the library. Set iTunes on shuffle. Ask the question out loud and hit play. The all-knowing iTunes will answer! Repeat.

How does the world see me?

"the first drop" by rise against (this would have likely been more applicable my first year of college when i was protesting all the time...since this is a song about getting pissed off and joining the revolution. i don't know if the world sees me like that anymore...i think that facet of myself has been far more constrained to my own head as of late.)

"i’m calling out
only echoes respond
but i scream ‘til my voice is gone
crouching in corners and hiding your face
i’m sick and tired of playing your games"

Will I have a happy life?

"here's to the night" by eve 6 (got it. i'll have a happy life if i stay out of relationships and stick to one night stands and the like. i didn't need iTunes to tell me that!)

"are you the now or never kind?
in a day
and a day love
i'm gonna be gone for good again"

What do my friends really think of me?

"i know it will" by nineteen wheels (i'm confused here. i don't get this one at all.)

"as the spring unwinds
the bitter truth seems so unkind
still even the mighty fall
and people like you and i
will be there to answer the call"

Do people secretly lust after me?

"lake of fire" by wesley willis (wow. that's...an interesting one for this question. guess that means that when people lust after me i indulge them, and am somehow sinning? that would be all fine and good if i believed in sin, i guess, but i don't.)

"you are a sinner
you have god's word on it
you will die and be cast into a lake of fire because of your sin"

How can I make myself happy?

"break my fall" by breaking benjamin (cleaning up other people's messes is how i'm going to be happy? okay...)

"you fought me once but not again
you let me feel your heavy hand
i will clean your fucking mess
and leave no trace of evidence"

What should I do with my life?

"adalia" by madina lake (this is a fantastic song, but...i'll be lost for the rest of my life with someone who's obsessed with me asking after me, trying to save me? that doesn't sound like a very good life at all.)

"she cries 'cause she's lost and she doesn't even know what she wants
her eyes go cold and she begs the world to just let her go"

Will I ever have children?

"kiss goodnight" by ratbag hero (i don't know what this song has to do with having kids, but i'll be optimistic that this song means i'm not having them. the relationship described in the song is too contentious to be a good environment for them. besides, ratbag hero isn't about being responsible...they're about getting drunk and having fun and doing stupid stuff!)

"nothing happened that night
i didn't even kiss her goodnight
so let's not have another fight
i'll say i'm wrong and you are right
let's just shut up and kiss goodnight"

What is some good advice for me?

"rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated" by rise against (stop sitting on my bum and go follow my dreams. i should do that.)

"when we built these dreams on sand
how they all slipped through our hands
and this might be our only chance
let's take this one day at a time
i'll hold your hand if you hold mine
the time that we kill keeps us alive"

How will I be remembered?

"alleluia" by randall thompson (hopefully this means that people will remember me as a good singer? because, i can't see the word "alleluia" as one that comes to mind when people remember me. the text of the song is no help here.)

What is my signature dancing song?

"date rape" by sublime (this is a darn good dancing song. it gets me skanking, that's for sure...it's got a beat to it.)

"the moral of this date rape story
it does not pay to be drunk and horny"

What do I think my current theme song is?

"points of authority" by linkin park (okay...i don't get this one at all. it's an awesome song, and i've had points in my life when it fit, but i wouldn't say it fits very well as a theme song now.)

"you love the things i say i’ll do
the way i’ll hurt myself again just to get back at you
you take away when i give in
my life
my pride is broken"

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

"the thing i hate" by stabbing westward (again, like points of authority...i've had periods of my life when this was definitely a great theme song for where i was. now? probably not. i don't have any particularly recent or pressing hatred, of the kind that would make me want to fuck up everything they ever loved. there are people that are driving me nuts right now, but not that deeply.)

"you've treated me like i'm a worthless piece of shit
you think you're in control but you make me sick
i want to watch you suffer
the way that you've made me suffer
i want to fuck up everything you've ever loved"

What song will play at my funeral?

"ever she flows" by treble charger (this would be a pretty weird song to play at my funeral...a breakup song from the point of view of a resigned ex? let's hope this isn't played at my funeral.)

"the tone you take
i turned off the ring
you mind your dates
i'll fill it in"

What type of men/women do you like?

"cotton eyed joe" by the rednex (strangely fitting. i do tend to like the flashy charmers, at least in the short-term.)

"he came to town like a midwinter storm
he rode through the fields so handsome and strong
his eyes was his tools and his smile was his gun
but all he had come for was having some fun"

What is your day going to be like?

"high" by feeder (or not. most of my friends are out of town, and i don't get high.)

"i'm going out for a while
so i can get high with my friends
i will
i'm going out for a while
don't wait up 'cause i won't be home today"
instead of doing anything productive, i'm wasting my morning giggling at kitty macros. i saw this one, and all i can think of is...j.p. boyd cat!!



*giggles*

Friday, December 22, 2006

in the guess-the-song competition...we have a winner, and it's melissa! she got two quotes correct, with song title and performer...and she wins a beer. :D

here are the answers:

1. "bruises on your face...i guess you fell down the steps again...it's such a shame...that you let it...you let it happen over and over again"--"This Life" by Primer 55

2. "do you feel like a man...when you push her around...do you feel better now...as she falls to the ground..."--"Face Down" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

3. "when you hide...hide inside that body...but just remember that...the more you shake...the more you give away"--"Cold (But I'm Still Here)" by Evans Blue

4. "if you don't expect too much from me...you might not be let down"--"Hey Jealousy" by Gin Blossoms

5. "if i were someone else would this all fall apart?"--"Real World" by Matchbox20

6. "fine! you're so smart? you rig up these lights!!!"--"The Twelve Pains of Christmas" by Bob Rivers

7. "ten years older...and i've finally found my pride...this old man comes rolling home to die...old feelings make it hard to decide...just what it means to me"--"Question Everything" by 8Stops7

8. "salvation lies behind those dead eyes that watch you while you sleep every night"--"Time To Waste" by Alkaline Trio

9. "i never really know why i ever stayed...but a dog don't think about the price he pays"--"Alone" by Angie Aparo...no one got this one, so no one gets the special beer for getting this quote right. :(

10. "i don't believe in love...so i can't be changed...all alone as i've learned to be...in this mess i have made"--"Mess" by Ben Folds Five

11. "one day i went to a cliff that overlooks the water...i jumped in to save a girl...it was somebody's daughter"--"Leader of Men" by Nickelback

12. "i lie but that's okay...it's only to myself...no one else"--"The Cycle" by Virgos Merlot

13. "take me apart...suck my blood until you stop my heart...you encumber my progression...and then you save me"--"Tear Me In Two" by Stroke 9

14. "angel don't you have some bagels in my oven...lady don't you know a man when you see one...crazy lady now with the shiny shoes where are you...kick your feet and calm the space that makes you hollow"--"Insomnia and the Hole in the Universe" by Live

15. "i went to a party last saturday night...you know i think i got laid and i got in a fight...i don't remember that much but i think i liked it"--"Sugarbuzz" by The Marvelous 3

16. "i'm just holding on to let them know what's given to me"--"Remember" by Disturbed

17. "it seems i've gained the world but i have nothing...to keep tabs upon this loss isn't wasted time"--"Point #1" by Chevelle

18. "what about when buildings fall...what about that midnight phone call...the one that wakes you from your peace"--"What About Everything" by Carbon Leaf

19. "sex reminds her of eating spaghetti"--"Wasted and Ready" by Ben Kweller

20. "get your balls off me! get the fuck away from me!"--"Fuck You" by Wesley Willis
i had the greatest afternoon today.

i went over to school, to the music practice rooms, and worked through the randall thompson alleluia. i sang that song in high school chorus, sophomore year...i loved it then, and i love it even more now, if that's indeed possible. wednesday i finally went to the sheet music store and bought myself a copy of it, so i can have it, read it, and sing through it at my own leisure. i spent two hours in the practice room playing through it, singing through it, and the time just slipped away. i finally had to stop when my voice got tired, but i'm definitely going to go back there again soon and play with that song. the alto part, which is what i sang those nine long years ago, is coming back to me...and i'm learning the soprano part as well. i want to sing this song in a choir at least one more time before i die. it's gorgeous, it's multi-layered, it comes to the best climax of any song i've ever heard...it's just perfect.

i guess my fawning about this song does no good if you've never heard it. so...hear it. (no, this isn't my high school chorus...it's a recording i found at school of the kansas city chorale doing it, eight or nine years ago.) i promise...it's worth it.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i will be in chicago from thursday the 28th until wednesday the 3rd.

this will be shiny. :D

if you will be in chicago during any of that time, you should tell me.

and we will hang out.

and it will be shiny. :D
ever since election day, the "religious right" has been raising a huge stink about incoming representative keith ellison (d-mn), and the fact that he is planning on taking his oath of office on a koran and not on a bible.1

of course he's taking his oath of office on a koran. he's muslim.

the whole point of an oath of office, at least in my mind, is that the elected official is making a meaningful affirmation that they will do a good job in office, and uphold the principles of the government the best way that they can. if an elected official is going to take that oath in a way that means something to them, i think it's a natural extension for them to take it on something that does have a deep meaning to them. for a christian, it would make sense to swear on a bible. for a jew, the torah. for a muslim, the koran.2

it cheapens the idea of an oath of office to raise such a big stink about what book he swears it on. it's as if the right wing is saying to representative-elect ellison that the oath of office is not an oath to be a good congressperson, to represent the interests of his constituents and the ideals of the country, so much as it is an oath to uphold the book under his hand at the time he swears the oath--as long as that book underneath his hand is the bible, and as long as he understands that book under his hand to mean the same thing that the "religious right" claims that it means. that sentiment profoundly bothers me.

representative-elect ellison is not assuming a seat as a cleric in a specific religious denomination that he happens not to belong to. he's not assuming a seat as a statesman in a theocracy run by a religion to which he does not belong.3 he's an elected congressman in a country where a person does not have to subscribe to a specific religious faith to become an elected official, or to have the full spectrum of rights guaranteed by its laws. he should be able to swear to uphold the nation's principles upon anything that underscores to him the solemnity of the oath.

***
1 for a particularly egregious and sickening example of this sentiment, read representative virgil goode's letter.
2 for my part, if i were to ever run for political office, or otherwise have to swear an oath upon a book, i would swear it upon part one of age of reason by thomas paine. it's the one text i've found that comes closest to encapsulating my thoughts and ideas about religion.
3 yes, i know, people like virgil goode may beg to differ with my opinion here. but, allow me to wax idealistic about the separation of church and state for just a moment, please.
there's an old adage, "pizza is like sex: even when it's bad, it's still pretty good."

now, pizza and sex are two of my favourite things on earth. they both make me really, really happy. but, i can't shake the feeling that the person who came up with this observation never had either of two things:
  • saint louis style pizza.
  • absolutely terrible sex.
because...i'd rather have no pizza and no sex than saint louis style pizza and truly terrible sex. they're bastardizations of what make the real thing so darned good. i mean...we're comparing real mozzarella cheese to that processed amalgam they call provel. we're comparing a screaming orgasm to wishing you were anywhere else but there. in each of these pairs, one of these things is pure heaven, and the other is enough to turn one's stomach. clearly there are gradations between really amazing and really bad, and most of that range with respect to both pizza and sex qualifies as "still pretty good." but, there's a point past which this analogy really, really doesn't hold true at all.

and, once it hits that point...no thanks.
i love weird al.

i love poking fun at kevin federline.

therefore, this is perfect.

Monday, December 18, 2006

i saw a guy wearing the greatest shirt ever yesterday.

it has a picture of mr. yuk, with the words: "mr. yuk has a new number! 1-800-222-1222!"

i want that shirt so badly.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

one of my least favourite phrases in the english language is "premarital sex." i hate it because it's overused. people use it to describe, and often condemn, any sex outside the institution of marriage.

the prefix "pre" means before...as in, sex before marriage. implying that it occurs before marriage means that there is a built-in assumption--that the context in which the sex is occurring is one that will eventually lead to marriage.

this may be an appropriate description of some sex outside marriage. if you're sleeping with your fiancee, or you're sleeping with a significant other with whom you've been contemplating marriage, then yes...you are having premarital sex.

but...anything else should more rightly be described as "nonmarital sex." or, hey...let's go back to the old school, call it "fornication." or, we can be simple...call it "sex"--no bones about it, because that's what it is. call it anything that doesn't imply marriage as an end. the fact that people talk about any sort of sex outside of marriage in terms that build in assumptions that the people engaging in it may marry each other one day...or even that the people will marry at all one day...annoys me a lot.

marriage is a valid enough choice for those who want it...but, i'm not in that contingent of those who want it, and i'm definitely not the only one. and, even though it's probably a small concern in the larger scheme of things, it would be nice if society didn't default to describing my sex life in condescending terms of something that it will never be.
this is the greatest postsecret ever.



no, this is nothing i've ever done, and nothing i'll probably ever do, but the concept intrigues and amuses me.
when i say that this blog is the last refuge of the persecuted crack smoker, i don't even think this place is a refuge for a crack smoker this dumb.

george allen ward has officially put himself in the running for stupidest crack smoker ever. click the link, read it, and weep: he's suing arm and hammer, pro se, for failure to warn. what did they fail to warn him about? they failed to warn him about the fact that it's illegal to use baking soda for the purpose of making crack.

let that sink in. this guy is in jail for making crack, and he is suing arm and hammer for not warning him that making crack is not legal.

the entire complaint is demented genius. he keeps swearing that his complaint isn't frivolous, but somehow i just can't bring myself to believe him. he thinks he's a persecuted crack smoker...but really, he's just oblivious. the sun rises in the east. the sun sets in the west. making crack is illegal. you really don't need arm and hammer to tell you that.

Friday, December 15, 2006

guess songs? i'll give you beer if you win! i promise!

so far katie, with a grand total of one song guessed correctly, is winning! :D

Thursday, December 14, 2006

maybe i'd like the holidays better if i could wake up the ten boobies, take home the eight penguins, and find a sudoku puzzle in my dostoevsky novel.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, faceless_wonder sent to me...
Twelve revis drumming
Eleven whammies piping
Ten boobies a-sleeping
Nine asshats reading
Eight penguins a-cuddling
Seven skunks a-writing
Six conepates a-bowling
Five ju-u-u-udge mathises
Four wesley willis
Three fuzzy llamas
Two puzzle pirates
...and a sudoku in a dostoevsky.
Get your own Twelve Days:
i'm sitting in bread co. i'm trying to have a nice, relaxing afternoon after finishing my finals. there's a large group of small children that walked in and started singing holiday music.

there are two reasons why this is driving me nuts:

1. small children.
2. holiday music.

i really can't stand either of those two things. i'm here to have a nice, calm afternoon...the background noise from people chatting is okay. but throngs of screaming children trying to sing holiday music? i'll take the nails on a chalkboard, thank you.

is it january yet? because, i really, really can't stand the holiday season. it makes me crabby.
my finals are done.

my final today mentioned pirates.

i'm buying a pirate hat and going bowling tomorrow.

at some point in the future...rum potluck!!!

YARRRRRR!!!!!!

yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!!!
old and busted: studying for finals.

new hotness: learning how to talk like a pirate:

i'm about to take my last final.

at 12:30 today, this semester is going where it belongs, is going where it rightfully should have gone a very long time ago--the past.

good riddance.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

i know i've done this one a few times...but not in the last couple of months, and i really can't make myself concentrate on tax anymore. i promise, this one's way easier than the ones i usually do...i promise that every act i'm quoting is, or was, at least a signed act. :) you all know the drill...i'm going to post some song quotes, and it's up to you to tell me the song title and who performed it. no googling, reading guesses that have already been posted in my comments, or otherwise cheating. most right...i'll buy you a beer (or something else, if you're not a beer person) next time i see you.

deadline for answering to be eligible for the Frosty Cold One: monday, december 18, at 5pm. happy guessing! :)

1. "bruises on your face...i guess you fell down the steps again...it's such a shame...that you let it...you let it happen over and over again"

2. "do you feel like a man...when you push her around...do you feel better now...as she falls to the ground..."

3. "when you hide...hide inside that body...but just remember that...the more you shake...the more you give away"

4. "if you don't expect too much from me...you might not be let down"

5. "if i were someone else would this all fall apart?"

6. "fine! you're so smart? you rig up these lights!!!"

7. "ten years older...and i've finally found my pride...this old man comes rolling home to die...old feelings make it hard to decide...just what it means to me"

8. "salvation lies behind those dead eyes that watch you while you sleep every night"

9. "i never really know why i ever stayed...but a dog don't think about the price he pays" (i think i owe a beer to anyone who can get this one without cheating, regardless of anything else you may get right or wrong.)

10. "i don't believe in love...so i can't be changed...all alone as i've learned to be...in this mess i have made"

11. "one day i went to a cliff that overlooks the water...i jumped in to save a girl...it was somebody's daughter"

12. "i lie but that's okay...it's only to myself...no one else"

13. "take me apart...suck my blood until you stop my heart...you encumber my progression...and then you save me"

14. "angel don't you have some bagels in my oven...lady don't you know a man when you see one...crazy lady now with the shiny shoes where are you...kick your feet and calm the space that makes you hollow"

15. "i went to a party last saturday night...you know i think i got laid and i got in a fight...i don't remember that much but i think i liked it"

16. "i'm just holding on to let them know what's given to me"

17. "it seems i've gained the world but i have nothing...to keep tabs upon this loss isn't wasted time"

18. "what about when buildings fall...what about that midnight phone call...the one that wakes you from your peace"

19. "sex reminds her of eating spaghetti"

20. "get your balls off me! get the fuck away from me!"

okay, back to my regularly scheduled Studying For Tax.
are you amused?

do you want to be amused?

if so, you should listen to this song. right now.

it's jonathan coulton (the re: your brains guy) covering baby got back.

i heard this on the radio over a year ago, and i could not stop laughing. i don't think i've ever posted it here, and that's a tragedy. jonathan coulton is So Freaking White...the mellow-singer-strumming-on-an-acoustic-gee-tar kind of white. in short, this cover is pure brilliance.
usually, when i'm at kayak's, i'm in a state of quiet desperation. today i'm there, but i'm filled with hope. i'm only here because it's the closest coffeeshop, and i didn't feel like being at home or at school.

i'm filled with hope because i've made one concrete step toward what i was swearing i would do...a concrete step toward reclaiming myself. i had my tryout for the wash u concert choir today. the great news is that the choir director really wants me in the choir! (apparently i still sang well, even though i'm still really hoarse from that cold i've had for the last week.) the disappointment is, i can't join the choir until next semester. the choir practices from 4:15-6 on tuesdays and thursdays, and my clinic meets at the public defender's office from 3:30-5:30 on tuesdays. as much as i really, really want to join the choir, i can't drop my clinic. my clinic is one of the reasons i'm here, and my clinic is something i've been dying to do since i got here. but, i'm going to sing in that choir next year, and make sure that i have the practice times free. that won't be as hard; since i won't be in a clinic, i'll be able to work around it far easier. next year, it will happen.

but, i'm not going to be a stranger to music. i'm signing up to take private voice lessons next semester. even though i'm going to have an extremely busy semester no matter what, i think they'll be really, really good for me. they'll be an outlet that has nothing to do with the law. i've never taken private lessons before, and it's something that i've always wanted to do. the choral director referred me to another professor to be my voice teacher, and we'll arrange a time to meet every week. i'm so excited about this it's not even funny. it's something i really need...my serious musical existence has hovered somewhere between "languishing" and "nonexistent" since fairly early in college, and i can't give it up. i need to reclaim it. and...i will.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

reading this article made me stupider. i mean, worldnetdaily prints some really, really, ridiculously fundamentalist dross on their website, but this particular column is insane, even for them.

A devil food is turning our kids into homosexuals
by Jim Rutz


There's a slow poison out there that's severely damaging our children and threatening to tear apart our culture. The ironic part is, it's a "health food," one of our most popular.

Now, I'm a health-food guy, a fanatic who seldom allows anything into his kitchen unless it's organic. I state my bias here just so you'll know I'm not anti-health food.

The dangerous food I'm speaking of is soy. Soybean products are feminizing, and they're all over the place. You can hardly escape them anymore.

I have nothing against an occasional soy snack. Soy is nutritious and contains lots of good things. Unfortunately, when you eat or drink a lot of soy stuff, you're also getting substantial quantities of estrogens.

Estrogens are female hormones. If you're a woman, you're flooding your system with a substance it can't handle in surplus. If you're a man, you're suppressing your masculinity and stimulating your "female side," physically and mentally.

In fetal development, the default is being female. All humans (even in old age) tend toward femininity. The main thing that keeps men from diverging into the female pattern is testosterone, and testosterone is suppressed by an excess of estrogen.

If you're a grownup, you're already developed, and you're able to fight off some of the damaging effects of soy. Babies aren't so fortunate. Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day. A baby's endocrine system just can't cope with that kind of massive assault, so some damage is inevitable. At the extreme, the damage can be fatal.

Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products. (Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!) Homosexuals often argue that their homosexuality is inborn because "I can't remember a time when I wasn't homosexual." No, homosexuality is always deviant. But now many of them can truthfully say that they can't remember a time when excess estrogen wasn't influencing them.

Doctors used to hope soy would reduce hot flashes, prevent cancer and heart disease, and save millions in the Third World from starvation. That was before they knew much about long-term soy use. Now we know it's a classic example of a cure that's worse than the disease. For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal. If he is a she, brace yourself for watching her reach menarche as young as seven, robbing her of years of childhood. If he is a boy, it's far worse: He may not reach puberty till much later than normal.

Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat. Could this explain the dramatic increase in obesity today?

Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement). This helps explain the infertility epidemic and the sudden growth in fertility clinics. But alas, by the time a soy-damaged infant has grown to adulthood and wants to marry, it's too late to get fixed by a fertility clinic.

Worse, there's now scientific evidence that estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children. In the latest year we have numbers for, new cases in the U.S. jumped 27 percent. In one year!

There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults – especially breast cancer. That's why the governments of Israel, the UK, France and New Zealand are already cracking down hard on soy.

In sad contrast, 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy. Worse, soy use may double in the next few years because (last I heard) the out-of-touch medicrats in the FDA hierarchy are considering allowing manufacturers of cereal, energy bars, fake milk, fake yogurt, etc., to claim that "soy prevents cancer." It doesn't.

P.S.: Soy sauce is fine. Unlike soy milk, it's perfectly safe because it's fermented, which changes its molecular structure. Miso, natto and tempeh are also OK, but avoid tofu.
two finals down, one to go.

i think the best way to describe me this finals week is just plain numb. i got really bitchy last week, but i'm not even bitchy anymore. i'm just numb...i'm doing whatever studying that my inner impulses tell me to do, and i'm otherwise just coasting, almost like i'm waiting for it to be over.

my evidence final today? i've never treated a law school final so much like an undergrad final as i did that one. i studied so little for it...yesterday was definitely more about the study breaks than it was about the studying. i did some studying in the afternoon and the early evening. but, then, i played some puzzle pirates. and then i went out for "a beer" as a study break...which, of course, ended up meaning going to three different bars and eventually closing out 609. i was a good girl, though...i said i'd go home at 1am, and i went home at 1am. granted, i stayed up playing around on the internet until 3am...but i was home, right?

i feel better about evidence than i did about antitrust, though...antitrust just plain killed me yesterday, despite the fact that i studied my brains out for it. (that's how i justify going out drinking last night. i was letting off steam after that antitrust final completely had its way with me.) evidence...i knew going in that my grade on it would be the result of a die roll. coming out, i'm just as convinced.
memento ruled. they were rock gods.

and then they broke up.

but, they have risen from the ashes and renamed themselves nine times bodyweight. frankly, i like the old name better, but i don't care. they can be called anything they want, and as long as their music is still rocking my world, i love them.

this makes my day.
because it always happens at the end of the year...it's about time for the nice, long year in review survey. :)

1. Overall, have you had a good year?
the year, and specifically the second half of it, was nowhere near as good as i hoped it would be...but it's ending on a hopeful enough note that i may be willing to say it was more good than bad. call me...on the fence on this one.

2. What has been your biggest achievement?
landing my job in chicago for next summer.

3. Did you take any exams?
way too many. don't talk to me about exams. i have one tomorrow, that i'm filling out this survey instead of studying for.

4. Have you had your birthday yet?
i have, it was last month.

5. Have you been on a Holiday?
you bet...i've been on lots of little weekend holidays, lots of little trips.

6. Where (list and when)?
well, most of them were to chicago...i spring-breaked in minneapolis...and i've spent random weekends in random places. i haven't spent any long, crazy holidays in the tropics or antarctica or anywhere exotic, though.

7. Have you bought anything expensive?
i think the most expensive thing i've bought this year was my new suit

8. Have you had a job?
i had one job last summer

9. Made any big decisions?
i made one very big decision this year

10. Lost a friend or loved one?
i have not

11. Met anyone amazing?
i think most of the new amazing people in my life this year are people who i had met before, but didn't get to know quite as closely until more recently.

12. Made new friends?
i have.

13. Moved house?
yep...i moved into my first ever apartment COMPLETELY ALONE!!! it's the smallest apartment ever, but i don't care. i love it, and it's my space, mine alone. it makes me so happy.

14. Changed College?
nope, i've been at wash u all year.

15. Tried something new?
yep...if i went a year without trying something new, i'd be a stick in the mud. i'm not a stick in the mud.

16. Been more happy or sad?
i honestly don't know.

17. Made any enemies?
i should hope not.

18. What music will you remember from this year?
i don't know if they were all written this year, but songs i discovered this year that will stick with me include "cold (but i'm still here)" by evans blue..."dancer in the dark" by the rasmus..."adalia" by madina lake (okay, i think i discovered that one in 2005, but i never actually listened to it or connected with it until 2006)..."face down" by red jumpsuit apparatus..."chasing cars" by snow patrol...

19. What movies have you seen at the cinema this year?
"snakes on a plane", "borat", "casino royale", "tron", "evil aliens", "thank you for smoking", "clue"...sheesh, i've probably seen more silly, cheesy midnight showings at the tivoli as i have seen first-run movies! although, i'm ashamed...i still haven't seen happy feet. i need to treat myself to that after finals...because happy feet is dancing penguins!!!!

20. What was your best night out?
oh my gosh...that was probably back in october, when megan and i got the bright idea of going to the pinup bowl...and proceeded to drink $180 worth of liquor, and bowl ten games. it was insane...and all kinds of amazing.

21. What was your worst night out?
it wasn't a totally bad night out because my costume was fun and we finally hightailed it out of there, but this year's law school halloween party was absolutely terrible.

22. Best Day?
i don't know...probably the day i found out i got my job in chicago, because i just felt so good that i got it, and i just knew that taking it would be the right decision.

23. Worst day?
probably, my birthday

24. Best month?
december...because i feel myself pulling out of the stress that's been crushing me for months on end.

25. Worst month?
probably november.

26. Was summer a gooden'?
it was pretty good. i liked my job, and i sang a lot of karaoke. softball was a lot of fun. but, that week without power pretty much sucked, and i was broke as a joke.

27. Have you made better friends with anyone?
i have.

28. Lost any friends?
nope.

29. How many people have you kissed in the year of 2006?
three, i think

30. Did you fall in love?
nope, but i was in love for much of the year

31. Did you have your heart broken?
no

32. Made any plans for next year?
work in chicago for the summer

33.How many hair colours have you had?
just brown

34. Got pierced?
nope

35. Got inked?
no, but i decided this year that i want to get a tattoo of the flag of the city of chicago. i just haven't decided where i want to put it.

36. Changed your image?
nope, i'm the same old same old that i've been for a good ten years now

37. Missed anyone?
how can you go a whole year without missing at least one person?

38. Enjoying this survey?
yep, it's better than studying antitrust.

39. Know what you want in the future?
to some extent

40. Regret anything?
not this year


JANUARY

1. Who kissed you on new years?
no one...i was out with my friends

2. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
i don't believe in making them

3. Does it snow where you live?
not nearly enough. i miss chicago. :(

4. Do you like hot chocolate?
i like it, but i almost never drink it. i'm more a coffee girl.

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
no...i really have no desire to go, i'd have a lot more fun where i could actually move, thank you very much.

FEBRUARY

1. Who was your Valentine?
chris

2. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
but of course!

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
i prefer it see its shadow, six more weeks of winter is a good thing.

MARCH

1. Are you Irish?
i think i have a little bit of irish blood in me

2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
yep yep yep

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2006?
i took a bus to the twin cities, and i judged two rounds at silver flight. then, i went to perkins with taryn, kat, and a bunch of taryn's friends. :D

APRIL

1. Do you like the rain?
i love it

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
nope :( i'm not creative like that.

3. Do you get tons of candy on Easter?
i don't...then again, i also don't celebrate easter.

4. Do you celebrate 4/20?
nope, i'm not big on that pot smoking thing.

5. Do you love the month of April?
not really, it means that winter is long gone and it's about to get reeeeeeeally hot outside

MAY

1. What is your favorite flower?
the only good flower is a dead one

2. Do you like the spring?
nope. winter only.

3. Finish the phrase "April showers":
bring may flowers...and may flowers bring pilgrims!

4. What is the first color you think of when you think of Spring?
yellow (ick!!!!)

JUNE

1. What year did/will you graduate from highschool?
i graduated in 2000

2. Did you do anything fun during this month?
the public transit scavenger hunt!!

JULY

1. What did you do on the Fourth of July?
went to heather's rooftop party, drank, hung out with my law school friends

2. Did you go on any vacations during this month?
that would be a negative

3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
i wanted to, but the day i moved into my new apartment (in july!) the power went out for a WEEK, so it was 100 degrees outside and i could not blast my a/c at all! fuck you, ameren!!!!!!

AUGUST

1. Did you do anything special at the end of your summer?
umm...participated in law school orientation?

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '06?
at the beginning of the summer, going up to chi-town to go see kevin graduate law school

3. Did you have a sunburn?
not this year

4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
absolutely not. i hate the beach.

SEPTEMBER

1. Did you attend school/college in '06?
yep, i finished up my first year of law school and started my second

2. Who is your favorite teacher?
professor ellis

3. Do you like fall better then summer?
yes

OCTOBER

1. What was your favorite Halloween costume?
i was the pimpin' pope this year. :D i thought it pretty much rocked. i had a pope robe...with a bling bling cross, a pimpin' stick, and a hellfire pimp hat. as for other people's costumes...the dudes that dressed up as the old-school wwf wrestlers pretty much rocked.

2. What is your favorite candy?
dark chocolate...not a whole lot of that around during halloween, though. that's okay...there was plenty of beer, and there were plenty of froofy frozen drinks at applebee's after we ditched that pathetic excuse for a law school halloween party.

3.What did you dress up as this year?
the pimpin' pope. :D

NOVEMBER

1. Whose house do you go to for Thanksgiving?
the foof's family

2. Do you love stuffing?
mmmmm...stuffing is so good, so good.

3. What are you thankful for?
my friends...for always being so much fun, and for keeping me sane when my life sucks.

DECEMBER
1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
nope

2. What is December 1st, 2006?
it was the day i was *supposed* to go on my little pre-finals holiday, but thanks to the ice storm it was delayed until the 2nd. so, basically, december 1 was the day when i took a final exam, sat in a train station for six hours, and went home.

3. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
on the cheek, but that's about it

4. Get anything special?
for the holidays? first of all they haven't happened yet...and second of all, i'd rather people just ignore the holidays, not give me anything, and let me disappear.

5. What do you want this year?
nothing.

6. Do you like cold weather?
i loooooooove it.

[PEOPLE]
best friend: the boys.
lost any friends: nope
gained any friends: i sure have.

[PLACES]
went out of the country: nope, i stayed firmly ensconced in the USA this year...and firmly ensconced in the midwest as well. i don't think i was in any states this year except for missouri, kansas, minnesota, illinois, iowa, and wisconsin.
moved: yep, i moved to my own little apartment
new school: nope, i'm still at wash u law
how many times on an airplane: four times...to and from milwaukee, and to and from chicago once

[YOU]
have you changed: a little bit...i'm still pretty much the same person i've been forever, but i've had new experiences to learn from
new look: nope, i look pretty much the same as i have for years
most depressed time this year: really, this whole semester up through mid-november

[LOVE]
did you fall in love: nope, no new loves to fall into
did you get heartbroken: no
who was your summer love: no summer flings for me this year...i was still with chris

[SEASONS]
favorite Season: winter
least favorite season: summer
good birthday: nope, my birthday was probably the most stressed-out day of the year
highest temperature: i don't know, but it had to have been sometime during that week in july when it was over 100 for several days, but the power was out because of the storm. i was sweltering.

[FINAL QUESTIONS]
snuck out: let's see. i'm twenty-four years old. if i were still in a situation where i had to sneak out to places, i'd either be woefully immature or almost inextricably ensconced in an abusive situation. no, i didn't sneak out anywhere.
kept your resolution: i don't make resolutions.
got arrested: nope, still never have, somehow
drank alcohol: yep
kissed a girl: not this year...yet, anyway.
had a crush: the word "crush" is so juvenile. but, if by that, you mean "majorly lusted after someone" this year, then you bet.
got dumped: no
lost a family member: no
got bad grades: my civ pro grade was pretty bad, but it's going to be shiny compared to any of the grades i make this semester. i'm bracing myself...if i pass, i'll have to be happy.
got a myspace: i didn't get a new one, i have the same old one i made in 2004
kept a secret: yes
told a secret: probably
done something you totally regret: no regrets this year

In 2006 I...

[ ] broke a promise
[ ] made a new best friend
[ ] fallen in love
[ ] fallen out of love (i'll say no...but it's complicated. i still love him, but not in a romantic way. but, platonic love is still love, right? so, it's not really falling out of love so much as a change in kind.)
[ ] been in over 2 relationships
[x] lied
[ ] went behind your parents back
[ ] cried over a broken heart - a lot
[ ] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] kissed in the rain
[ ] kissed on a first date
[ ] layed under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[ ] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met someone who changed your life
[ ] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing

In the year 2007, you will be turning what age? 25 (scary. i don't want to be 25.)

In what month? november

How do you feel about turning that age? i'm not looking forward to it. 25 is supposed to be even more adult than 24 is supposed to be, and i had a hard enough time with 24 last month. i don't feel like an adult yet. i'm still young and stupid.

Resolutions.

Do you want to...

Exercise more? i probably should, although i don't know if "want to" is the correct way to put it

Get a better job? nope, but i want to do a good job at the job i've landed for next summer.

Go to school? i want to FINISH LAW SCHOOL!!!! but, i won't do that until 2008. darn.

Quit smoking? i want to continue to not smoke. :)

Quit Drinking? nope...i enjoy going out drinking. it's fun, and i plan to continue doing it.

Have any other resolution? Or no resolutions? i don't make resolutions.

Are you going to...

Get married? not in 2007, not ever.

Have a baby? not in 2007, not ever.

Buy a house? not in 2007...but eventually, a few years from now, i see myself buying a condo in chicago

Move out on your own? i haven't lived at home since i was 17...and then i got my first apartment without roommates this year

Graduate from University? nope...i won't graduate law school until 2008, and i graduated undergrad in 2004.

See your child graduate? no kids, no kids to see graduate.

Any other major things going on? i'm sure there will be...let's see how the year unfolds. :)

And Lastly...

Do you have any hopes for 2007? i've got a few. if you're really nice maybe i'll tell you what they are. ;)

Anything you want to declare about 2007? 2007 is going to blow 2006 out of the water. it's going to be a pretty rocking year.
memery...

...in case anyone wants to pretend to give me shiny objects. :D

Xmas Stocking
leave a gift for faceless_wonder
your username:
your gift: (30 characters or less)

get your stocking
dating website


...or mistake me for a world leader...


Monday, December 11, 2006

the good news: the internet man came, so i have teh webbernets at home...FINALLY!!! :D i was getting frustrated.

the bad news: i need to buy another ethernet cord so i can set up my shiny new wireless router. that's stupid...isn't the point of buying a wireless router so i don't have to use ethernet cords? apparently not...apparently it means i need two ethernet cords. ::headdesk::

sigh. time to go out and buy another cord. then i can come back, set up my wireless router, and continue my hardcore avoidance of studying evidence.
once more into the breach.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

honeywell haiku

u.s. to e.u.
"we protect competition
you, competitors."

(yes, you know you've been studying antitrust for too long, when...)
i can't believe we got through all the slides yesterday. it was a herculean effort, involving the patronage of three fine eating/drinking/loitering establishments in saint louis--the bread co in the central west end, the coffee cartel, and the courtesy diner1, but we did it! megan and i got through all of the antitrust class notes slides! i have some studying still to do...i'll probably flip through my class notes, and outline answers to the sample final exam that the professor sent out. but, i feel like i have a far better understanding of antitrust law than i did less than twenty-four hours ago. i'm freaking out less about this final, since i've had the chance to read through everything and to hash out the differences between american antitrust law and european competition law.

and, megan got the best idea ever for what we're doing after finals, on friday night. screw the end-of-semester party. the end-of-semester party last spring was absolutely awful, and the halloween party was even worse. we are going to go buy pirate hats, go to tropicana, and go bowling in our pirate hats. we'll probably have to drink beer instead of rum, because it's the tropicana, but it will be the greatest thing ever. we'll have beer, bowling...and pirate hats! pirate hats make everything better.

but, until then, i have three more finals to take. or, who am i kidding...three more? i have three finals to take, since i haven't taken any of them yet. i'm taking antitrust tomorrow morning, i'm taking evidence tuesday afternoon, and i'm taking estate and gift tax thursday morning. i'm looking so forward to finals week being over. i'm looking forward to having my life back. i'm looking forward to having my sanity back. i'm looking forward to not being a complete insane bitch.

***
1 how have i lived in st. louis for almost a year and a half without ever having gone there? it has the best breakfast food that i've eaten in a very long time, it's an honest-to-God twenty-four hour diner, and it's so close to where i live! if you're in st. louis, you would do yourself a favour to run, don't walk, and eat at the courtesy diner. even something as simple as scrambled eggs was just to die for...and it was super-cheap to boot!

Saturday, December 09, 2006

last night, i did the most U of C thing that i've done since leaving the U of C.

i lit a vanilla scented candle, drew a bubble bath, and read the first essay of nietzche's genealogy of morals.

i had forgotten what an arrogant bastard nietzche is. he's amusing as all get out to read, but i don't think i've ever read an author more convinced of his own perfection.

Friday, December 08, 2006

sometimes metaquotes is a wee bit amusing.

sometimes it's very funny.

and, sometimes, it's so inspired that i want to run squeefully around the neighbourhood:

God: Bored, bored, bored. I know! *invents instant messenging*
Angels: *pop into existence* wtf?
God: Hi!
Angels: omg
God: Yup, it's me, YHWH. How are you gentlemen?
Angels: ok, u?
God: I was bored.
Angels: O rly
God: Yes. So I invented you to keep me amusedcompany.
Angels: thx
God: np. Want to be my instant messenger service?
Angels: ok
God: Great! I shall call you....YaHooWaHooMessengers.
Angels: lolz
Lucifer: that sxrz, my ideas sooo much betters! AOL rxrz!!!111
God: nope. pwned.
Lucifer: j/k?? no? A...Oh Hell. g2g *falls*
God: *shrugs* Anyway, I created some people to talk to. *adds to flist*. Wanna go check them out?
Angels: ok, bbl

*Eden*
Eve: ooh pritty
CrawleySnake: u should eat it, IMHO
Eve: ok *eats* yo adam, u should ttly get an apple, theyre sooo much better
Adam: k. IM IN UR GARDEN EATIN UR APPLEZ.
God: wtf NO. ur booted
Adam&Eve: plz?
God: NO. Kthxbai.
Adam&Eve: :°( godmodder!!
Snake: lmfao. mod pwned u.
God: no legs for u.
Snake: roflmlo?
Adam&Eve: pwnd.

*later*
Humans: omg
Angels: a/s/l?

*Sodom&Gomorrah*
Ppl: omg OTP!!!11oneone
otherppl: no mines BETTER!!!
Sodom&gomorrah: Fandom!wank.
God: OMG STFU SHIPPERS. *fire&brimstone*
Lot: pwned. my OTP FTW.

*The H.M.S. Noah's Ark*
Noah: omfg. effing plot bunnies keep multiplying!
Noah's wife: u do no this makes u the Ultimate Shipper?
Noah: *headdesk*

*the Book of Job (i.e. One Long Emo Poem)*
Job: ^____^
Satan: *flames*
Job: =( wangst.
God: ya he is a loser...*pwns*
Job: My cattle o noes.
Satan: ahahaaa...
Job: My kids o woes.
Satan: lmgdfao
Job: My health....! *o emo*
Satan: Ha...oh damn u got it all back.
Job: pwnd.

*NewTestament*
Jesus: WWJD?
Pilate: stfu n00b.
Jesus: tgif.
God: srsly. wtf.
Jesus: <3?
Pilate: *kills j00 ded*
Jesus: brb

*later*
Jesus: back!
Disciples: wb!
Thomas: sockpuppet!
Jesus: no rly....O well, ttfn


*Revelations*
John: crack.
world: from coke?
God: Destroy the world!
Angels: but I am le tired....
God: pwnd.


i want to find this person who aim-ified the bible, give them a cookie, and buy them a beer for giving me the best laugh i've had in a while.
one little, two little, three little vignettes...

the dangers of self-scheduled finals

i decided that the antitrust final was not going to happen today. that means i have three finals next week. this is why self-scheduled finals are absolutely dangerous. at least as a 1L, they made you space the finals out. you knew when you had to take each one, and could plan your studying accordingly. you had rigid deadlines.

with self-scheduled finals, that structure is all gone...leading to stuff like allowing your friend to convince you that you reeeeeeeally want to stay out of town until wednesday of the first week of finals, instead of leaving on monday, because singing karaoke is that much fun.

you come back wednesday night, you swear you're going to study on thursday and take that first final on friday, and then you end up studying for about forty-five minutes and then proceeding to spend the rest of the day puttering around on the internet and then going out to sing even more karaoke despite the fact that your throat hurts and you can't croak out a song any more challenging than "name" by the goo goo dolls.

and then, you swear you're going to study on friday for that final that's been pushed back to monday, but instead you sit around at coffee on the loop surfing the internet some more, reading blogs and talking on instant messenger.

because that's not a narrative of my week. not at all. no way.

picking up the pieces

as has been pretty obvious to anyone who knows me in real life, or has been following this blog's barely-coherent rantings, this semester has been kind of a loss. i won the war by landing that job for the summer, but i keep losing battle after battle after battle. i've been almost completely unable to stay on top of my classes because of thing after thing going on in my personal life. my grades this semester are going to be terrible; i'm prepared for that. the semester has been marked by disappointment, stress, and tough decisions.

next semester is going to be different. next semester, i'm not going to spend so much time on the couch doing absolutely nothing. i'm not going to spend so much time disconnected from everything that's real, and i'm going to actually follow through on the things that i start...something that i've found impossible to do this semester. i feel like i took the first little step toward getting everything together last week on tuesday and wednesday, when i cleaned up my apartment and finally, properly, moved into my apartment that i've "lived in" since july. but, i have to do more. i need to figure out specific things that will make me happy, and work on them, and finally get some much-needed balance and sanity in my life. i haven't decided exactly what that will be, but i will know soon. i'm spending winter break here in st. louis, and i'm planning on spending a lot of time alone, doing some serious soul-searching. it's something i haven't done for a long time...i've been on autopilot with my life for longer than i can remember, and it's time to stop doing that. it's time to focus on a purpose, focus on two or three things that will really make me happy, and just throw caution to the wind and do them.

something to prove

next semester, i may just have something to prove. i got an email from professor koby yesterday, asking if i would be willing to be on a bye-buster team at a trial tournament that wash u is hosting, if there are an odd number of teams registered for the tournament.

you better believe i'm willing to be on a bye-buster team. i am praying there will be an odd number of teams registered for this tournament, so i can do this. it will give me a case to work on, it will give me a chance to work on mock trial again. it will also give me a goal to shoot for--i want to kick ass and take names as a bye-buster. i want to have a better record as the bye-buster than one, if not both, of the real trial teams that wash u has competing there. it'll be hard, since this is NTC, and the judge sends his four best trial team people as competitors in this tournament. but, i have something to prove. i've had something to prove ever since mid-september, when i didn't make the trial team. if i do, in fact, get to do this bye-buster thing, it will be my chance to prove to myself, and to everyone else, that i can succeed at trial at the law school level.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

"Call me crazy, but comedy just has not been the same since the Macedonians took over and banned all the best Old Attic theater back at the end of the fourth century B.C.E."

genius. bloody genius, especially for anyone who took Greek Thought and Lit back in the day. God bless the Onion.

Today's Audiences Just Don't Get Me
By Aristophanes

What has happened to the comedy crowds these days? Can you tell me that? I don't know what it is, but I just can't seem to connect at all with the average audience. Seriously, folks, what is the problem here? I've been doing this a whole lot longer than any of the clowns out on the circuit these days, so I think I know a thing or two about my craft by this point. These kids coming up now, they wouldn't know funny if you spelled it out for them with a 22-page Translator's Foreword in a special edition from Oxford University Press.

Even my best gags get little more than a blank look these days. It's like the average audience member never heard a friggin' parabasis before in their life.

That whole bit I have where the multitudes of frogs come out on stage and start doing that whole "krik-krik-krik" chant? That little number got the unprecedented honor of a request for a second performance in Athens' biggest venues. A whole stage full of people dressed in elaborate frog masks, making frog noises to the beat of the poetic meter? Now, tell me that's not pure gold, people

Let's get one thing straight: I know humor. In my day, I killed up and down both sides of the Aegean. You should have seen me at the amphitheater of the Great Theatre of Dionysus, under the slope of the Acropolis—now that was a comedy venue. By the nine Muses, the benches were packed and the wine was flowing—and so were the laughs!

Call me crazy, but comedy just has not been the same since the Macedonians took over and banned all the best Old Attic theater back at the end of the fourth century B.C.E.

It's not that my material isn't strong. Come on! You don't win competitions at both the City Dionysia and the Lenea if you don't know how to work a room. Yet people only seem to like that Adam Sandler and Jim Carrey baloney. Lowest-common-denominator nonsense. You think anyone's going to remember Larry The Cable Guy in 2500 years?

Whatever happened to standards? Audiences nowadays are so used to being spoon-fed the most simplistic material, they don't recognize good comedy anymore. You can read them stasimon after stasimon of the funniest chanted poetry ever, and they still sit there like so much stone statuary at the Oracle of Delphi.

What do I gotta do, beg?

Or how about including the Cheans in the ritual prayers the Birds offer to the gods? That used to have them splitting their sides! Now they're like "Cheans who?" Man, I miss the glory days of classic comedy, in the years directly preceding and at the very start of the Peloponnesian War.

You know what it is? It's these young people, they don't have the attention spans audiences used to. Try getting one of them to sit through a five-day festival of Dionysus. I guarantee the little punk will be squirming in his seat and checking his computerized text messages before the end of Day One, and that's in the middle of a Bacchic frenzy. They all want the same thing: stale jokes from some untutored hack—not the kind of serious stuff that's performed outdoors with a full masked chorus and lasts an entire afternoon.

If it weren't for regional community theater and the occasional academic conference for a bunch of bluehairs, you'd never even know I was one of history's most profound and influential comedic geniuses. I can't even get in the door at Caroline's!

Don't people like impersonations anymore? I used to do the best Euripides. I had his whole pretentious, "look-at-me-I'm-the-most-important-tragedian-in-the-history-of-the-city-state" thing down—I swear, you'd think the guy was sitting right across the agora from you. But whenever I bust that one out now, they stare at me with this look on their faces like they've just been sentenced to drink hemlock.

And it's not that I'm a prude, mind you. I can work as blue as the best of them. Take the enormous prop phalluses in Lysistrata, for example. Talk about "A" material. But even the most accessible stuff, like my Origin of Love bit from the Symposium, bombs miserably with today's crowd. Doesn't anybody appreciate a good Cleon-bashing monologue these days?

Look, I don't have to get on my knees like some chump, okay? I'm Aristophanes of Athens, for Poseidon's sake. I worked with all the classic guys! Plato wrote verses praising me. In my day, I was tops, I was... aw, forget it.

Comedy's a tough gig, man.
finals week turns me into a complete bitch.

you've been warned.
i'm not dead, but finals may kill me.

i'm waking up from my blissful finals oblivion to have antitrust walloping me in the face.

is this just a bad dream? please tell me this is all a bad dream.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

alright. time for take two.

i was supposed to leave town for the weekend yesterday at 3:30, on a train. getting to the train station was crazy enough anyway. i left my pretrial final negotiation1, and planned to take the metrolink train to the amtrak station. i went to the big bend stop, stood there for a few minutes, and a security guard appeared. the security guard told me that the trains were not running down the new shrewsbury line because of the weather.2 i was informed that i'd have to go to the forest park station and catch the train there.

going to forest park wasn't a huge problem. i just walked over, caught the #1 bus on campus, and took it to the forest park station. i walked down to the train platform, and there was a train that was slated to go as far as east riverfront. awesome. that would take me right to the kiel centre stop3, and i'd be at the train station in no time. it was 1:50, the train trip to the kiel centre stop would be no more than fifteen, twenty minutes, and then i'd be there in plenty of time to grab my ticket from the ticket window, unwind, and catch my train that was supposed to leave at 3:30.

and then i sit. i sit. i sit on that train for almost an hour. the conductor keeps telling us that it will move when she gets the authorization. it never moves. finally, it's 2:35. i'm freaking out, because my train is supposed to be leaving in less than an hour, and i'm still sitting inside a stationary train at the corner of pershing and debaliviere. i start calling cab companies. the lines are busy. finally, i call my friend hilary, almost in hysterics, and she comes and drives me to the amtrak station. she was a lifesaver.

so, it's 3:10, and i get to the train station. i thought the nightmare was over...i was at the train station on time, i was going to soon be on a train, on the way to my destination.

i pick up my ticket from the window...and i'm informed that my train has been delayed until 6:45 or 7. sigh. that was a bummer, although not entirely unexpected. i sit down to wait. the train station is full of extremely weary, extremely agitated travellers, since there was the one delayed westbound train that i was on, and two delayed northbound trains to chicago.

then, around 4:15, the train station staff made an encouraging announcement. the chicago trains were cancelled and being replaced by buses, but the kansas city train would be leaving at 5:30. it was good news. they told us the train was coming up on the kirkwood stop. kirkwood is a suburb of st. louis, which meant the train was almost to the station.

and then...the train just stayed in kirkwood. it stopped outside of kirkwood for about three hours. it just didn't move. they didn't tell us why it was stopped outside of kirkwood for three hours, but it was. first they said it would be here at 7. then, they didn't say anything.

at 7:10, they finally told us that the train was moving again. but, they also told us that if the train didn't get to st. louis by 7:35, they had to swap out the crew, since the crew had been on the train for as long as it legally could. there was an outside chance it could make it to st. louis if it sped and didn't run into another train, because according to the schedule, the train normally takes 29 minutes to get from kirkwood to st. louis

no amount of the passengers' finger-crossing could make it happen. at 7:35, the staff announced that the train didn't make it, that it had to stop, and they had to change the crews. a little before eight, finally, they announced that the crew had changed, and the train was on its way again. we saw the train pull into the station, gathered our bags, and lined up to board. it was now 8:15--i was supposed to have arrived at my destination at 7:39. but, finally, the annoyance was over.

or, it wasn't. the train station staff announced that we could not board the train, and they had to decide what they were doing with that train. that confused us, as they had been telling us all night that when that train arrived from kansas city, it would be turning back around and going toward kansas city. a few minutes after that announcement, they said the words that i'd been dreading, the words that i really didn't want to hear--they cancelled the train.

they cancelled the train, and they didn't even replace it with a bus. there was no way that amtrak passengers would get westbound last night. so, i had to change my ticket and go home. i now have a ticket for the 8:30 train this morning, and i'm writing this from the train station. i'm coming back on monday instead of on sunday...there was absolutely no way i was going to deal with the transportation nightmare that i dealt with yesterday, and only stay there one night. it wasn't going to happen.

they tell me this morning's train is supposed to run on time. it's encouraging, since unlike last night, i see trains on the tracks outside the train station. still, after yesterday's rigmarole, i'll believe it when it's 8:30 and i'm sitting on a westbound train chugging along the tracks.

***
1 i'm glad it's over. the more i have to negotiate for law school classes, the more i realise that naturally being an insufferable bitch and having to negotiate don't necessarily go very well together.

2 this is more proof that st. louis is not a real city. we only got a little bit of snow. granted, there was quite a bit of ice, but st. louis does get ice storms on a regular basis--and st. louis didn't get hit nearly as badly as the weather people thought, or nearly as badly as many other cities in the midwest. the city should be ready for ice storms, and build its public transit to run even after an ice storm.

3 yes. i know. it's called the scottrade centre now, and it was called the savvis centre before that. but, for some reason, i got used to calling it the kiel centre, because all the signs at the metrolink stop still say kiel on them. i'm a stick in the mud. i know this.

Friday, December 01, 2006

this one's been going around like wildfire, and i finally got the page where it's located to work on my computer.

as for the result...colour me unsurprised. i think i'm going to start referring to myself as "the juggernaut of sin." :)